"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that's real."
Hurt: Nine Inch Nails
-
I follow Dr. Martinez and Jake down a few corridors, and we reach a room. "Miss. Lady, you're going to want to wait outside." Dr. Martinez says to me.
"No." I begin, but Reese holds me back.
"He may want some space."
"I don't give a fuck." I try for the door again, but that stupid Linda chick is in the way.
Why am I referring her as a stupid chick?
"At least wait until the doctor is settled, and then you can come in. Okay?" Linda says.
"No." I pester. "I won't be in the way."
The door suddenly shuts, and I feel hopeless. I could just barge in but since Jake didn't even say anything, I'm guessing he doesn't want me coming in. I thought he would of.
"Maybe we should get some food." Reese pulls at my shoulder away as I glare at the closed door. "When's the last time you ate?"
"Not since last afternoon." I mumble. I am in no mood to eat, but I know I should. The last thing I ate was Alice's turkey, which was surprisingly really good. I had some popcorn and water at the movies, but aside from that... I hadn't had any food.
"Okay, maybe we get some and come back, he'll let us come in." Reese pulls at my arm.
I do as I'm told, but I'm still highly annoyed and pissed off they won't let me in the room with Jake.
"Fine." I muster out.
We three go to the food court at the hospital.
It's very small and quaint, but I make myself get a yogurt, and Reese forced me to get a gornala bar. Reese and Jesse both get premade sandwiches. Jesse pays for us, and I shyly mumble thank you. He nods to me.
Reese tries to make me sit in the cafeteria, but I go back to the hallway where Jake's room is. I sit outside where some seats are at, Reese and Jesse follow suit. After I'm half way finished with my yogurt, I throw it away. I hate wasting for, but I'm not hungry. Once I reach the trash can, I see a room down the hall opened. On the door it says Rivers?
I walk closer to it, my eyes adjusting to the light. It's my mother? She's laying down on the bed, with the tv on above the door I assume. I want to walk away, but she spots me.
"Dawn?" She calls me out.
I begrudgingly enter her room. Why is she in this particular hospital? "Hi." I say.
"How'd you know what hospital I was in? Did the hospital call?" She tried to sit up up in her bed, but the IV pulls her back.
"No." They might have, but I haven't checked my phone since it died from battery loss. "Jake's in the hospital." I tell her the truth.
"Oh. Is he okay? What happened?" She furrows her brows at me.
"He got jumped by a gang. I think he will be." I lie. "I thought you were okay, I didn't think you needed to go to the hospital."
"Me neither, but before the police and ambulance left, I passed out from my severe concussion."
"Oh," is all I say. I know I should express how much I care for her, but as of now I don't know how. Today's been shit, and all I can think about is Jake selfishly.
"Really, is that all you have to say? Not are you okay, mom? How's your head now? Really?" Her eyes glisten with tears.
"I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry it doesn't seem like I care. I do. It's just, it's your fault that all this happened today."
"Are you serious-"
"Yes I am!" I yell at her. "You cheated on him again, in our own house!" She flinches at my words. "He probably found out, went to the nearest bar, got shitfaced and came back to fucking kill us!" My voice has straining all day with all my yelling. "Because you're so fucking selfish to not get a fucking divorce!"
"I didn't ask to not be loved!" She yells back at me. "He never loved me, Dawn!"
"So why did you stay with him!"
"For you! It's for you! All for you!" My words stop in my throat. "You think my one single job as a caregiver is going to put you through college? Is it going to put a roof over your head? Going to pay your bills! No! It's not. He stopped loving me a long time ago when he decided to drink his self away the first time. He attempted to cheated on me first! So don't act like I'm the only bad guy. Oh and I forgot to mention he gave me black eyes and a sprained wrist- oh wait you already know that." She spits.
I never knew my father cheated, in fact I thought it was just my mother. Why am I so angry at her? I just can't seem to not be angry at her. To not think it's her fault for everything that's happened in my life. "I just want to say one thing. Remember when you caught me and Jake making out?" I don't give her a chance. "What did you call me? A slut? Am I right?" She looks down at her bed sheets. "Then what are you?"
"I am your mother!"
"You sure don't act like one!"
"What do you want me to do?" Her voice cracks. "Do you want me to kill myself? Do you want me to die? Do you never want to see me again for my faults because somehow this is all my fault, right?" She begins to cry, and this is when I begin to realize that I'm wrong.
My tone of voice changes. "No, no. Of course not." I sit at the edge of the bed. My voice much softer. "Why should I blame you, when it's pretty much all of dad's fault. He should never had put his hands on us." I grasp her trembling hand. Though I do think it's both of their faults, I'm starting to realize I shouldn't place the blame solely on my mother. Just because she started cheating; doesn't justify his reason to beat her. She should have left him as soon as she didn't love him, and he should have never touched her.
"I still love your father, you know?" She tells me as she sniffles. "He use to bring home flowers everyday. Sunflowers. Those are my favorite." She smiles at the memory. "But one day he gave me peonies. I hate peonies, the smell is disgusting. And your father just looked at me, he started to say, oh this is for Jessica- and he stopped himself." I squeeze her hand. "He hadn't done anything with her to my knowledge. He told me that they were thinking about starting an affair, but he stopped his connection with her as soon as that day. That next day was the first time I cheated on him. I felt he was going to do it eventually, so I did it before him. And I hadn't stopped." A tear drops from her face. "So I guess it's partially my fault for leading him on, but he had stability, and I knew that you needed to be provided f0r."
An unbeknownst tear fell from my face. "I'm sorry." She continues to cry.
"It's in the past."
"It was just yesterday though."
"We're pressing charges on him." I refer to my father.
"I-"
"No, mom. You can't act like you forgive him when you don't really. You can't feel bad when you continue to do the same thing." She winces again at my words, but I need her to know that my dad is not allowed to be near me or her.
"But he hasn't done it in ages. It's my fault as well. I was the reason why he-"
"I don't care. His abuse isn't the answer. I'm going to the station tomorrow morning, and solve it all tomorrow."
"Dawn please-"
"Your guilt is too late." I stand from the bed, but she grasps my hand harder. "You can't say one thing, and change it the next. My impact won't do much, considering he just choked me and pushed me around. You must press charges on him as well, or I'll never speak to you again." I mean every word.
She doesn't say anything but nods. She knows she has to leave him, but she's afraid she doesn't have the income for it. I'll probably have to get a job... if I'm alive by then. I don't know what Ledger may do.
"I have to check on, Jake. I'll come back."
"Don't bother. I'll be fine." Her voice cold.
"Fine." Oh well for the making up part.
I head back to where Jesse and Reese are. They're both resting on each other's heads sleeping. It's quite cute. I sit next to them, and stare at the door ahead of us.
1 hour later
The door finally opens with Dr. Martinez. He shuts the door quickly behind him, leaving me deeply annoyed.
"Is he going to be okay?" My voice wakes up Jesse and Reese.
"Yeah.." He trails. I try to get to the door, but he blocks it once more. "He's sleeping right now. He should wake up in an hour or so."
"Can I at least see him?"
"Who are you anyways?" The doctor asks me.
"I should ask you the same thing. How do you know Jake." I demand him.
"Listen, girl-"
"I'm not just some girl, I'm his girlfriend." I spit out.
His eyes look grave, and looks past my face to the wall behind me. "This is much worse than I thought." He talks more to himself than me. "He was telling the truth, he fucked up big time."
"He broke every rule." I tell him.
"You know about..." He trials once more.
"Oh believe me. I know everything." I at least hope I do.
Dr. Martinez looks back at Jesse and Reese. Jesse looks confused, and Reese looks sympathetic.
"I'm starving. Let's go talk, and eat at the food court." He doesn't give me a chance to say anything, so I follow him. I turn back to Reese. She gives me a warm smile.
"We'll still be here." She rest her head on Jesse's shoulder once more. He rolls his eyes, but he rest his head back on hers. His eyes close immediately afterwards.
I know it's a lot to ask from them; especially Jesse considering I don't even know the guy. But I'll be damned if I'm left in this hospital alone.
I sit at a table, awaiting until the doctor came back with his food. He has a sandwich, a side salad, and a chocolate bar. "Thought you may want something." He throws the bar at my arm that rested on the table. I sit and stare wide-eyed at the man.
"Or not." He slides into the seat. He begins eating his food, and I can't help but start tapping my fingers on the table. My eyes looking up and everyone around the room. I couldn't keep but to think I was being watched.
He stares at me, and I can't help but snap. "What?"
"You alright there?"
My wide eyes relax, and my body runs cold. "Am I alright? Am I alright?" I repeat myself. "I don't maybe because my dad almost killed me this morning, and then I was almost raped in front of the love of my life. So am I alright?" I lay back on the table, my arms crossing around myself.
"I'm guessing.. no?"
"Definitely not."
"Ledger found out, I'm assuming."
"Yes. I'm sorry who the fuck are you?" My arms flail around the table.
"Yeah, you're definitely Jake's girlfriend." My cheeks redden. I know I'm acting rude to him, but I can't help it. I'm losing my patience. "My name is Jose Martinez. I don't like being named Jose though because it's a very common Latino name, and that shit drives me crazy when people call me Juan for a joke. You can call me Martinez. Just Martinez." I nod to him. "I use to work for the Underground."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really." He leans back in his chair, his eyes gazing up at the ceiling; I'm assuming at a fond memory, or maybe a terrible one. "I left a while ago. Maybe a couple months when Jake entered The Underground."
"Why have I never heard of you?"
"Well for starters, Jake's kind of secretive."
"Tell me about it." I roll my eyes at the thought of all his secrets.
"And mostly because after I left, we had a falling out."
"Why?"
"Ledger wasn't just the only leader of the Underground. We were co-leaders. He had the upper hand because he was the bad cop. Everyone feared him. Our father's owned the Underground, and when they both unexpectedly died.. we took over. The Underground was a small community, but Ledger expanded it. I told him it would be dangerous. That it would attract too much attention. He didn't care. All he cared about was the money, the fame, and the women." I let out a gasp. "Then he started adding all these rules. I didn't care for them, so I never really paid attention to it. Just wanted to fight, and to train young bucks like Jake. He came along, and I was helping him train. Ledger was jealous because we both knew that Jake was going to be something big. Ledger took him from me shortly after, and he started training him himself. I didn't care too much, but Jake came to me crying about the rules. I was asked what about them. All Ledger told me was just a few of the rules, and I mostly agreed with them. Except one."
"Being with the women," I answer for him.
"Yes. I went to Ledger straight away. He didn't care, he wasn't going to change. So I put him for a duel. Me and him. If I win, I was going to take out the rules that I didn't like. If he wins, I have to leave the Underground. We were fighting anyways about other stuff, so it was time to put it all to rest. We dueled, and I was winning surprisingly. Next thing I know, he slashes me in the stomach with a dagger. Lights out. Done."
"I woke up the next day at the hospital with a note on my chest. It read 'you're done.' I never went back there again. I went back to finish my last year in college, and got my doctors degree and that was that. Jake would come back each fight so I can mend his wounds, but after one particular one, I was over it. I wanted no part of the Underground, so why help him when he was apart if it?"
A certain type of anger filled me. He stopped helping Jake because he didn't want to be part of the Underground. But once you're in, you're in. He had no choice, but I kept quiet. "Is he alright?"
"He should be. I stitched his back up from all the deep cuts. One of the nurses cleaned him up with a bath beforehand."
"A nurse?" My jealousy seeping through.
He nods plainly. "Yes."
"How long until he's on his feet?"
"I'd say a few days, but my guess is he'll be up by morning, knowing Jake."
"Do you know what happened to Ledger?"
"No. All Jake told me was Alice confessed to the police that someone from the Underground raped her out of contract. Confessed the hideouts."
"What?" He hasn't told me anything. He did speak to her in the car, but I was lost in my own head at the time.
"I don't know how long he'll be under arrest for. Knowing him, he'll be out in a few days. Maybe even one day if he's lucky." My stomach lurches from my being.
"What's going to happen to me?" I ask myself.
"I don't know, kid. Even if you do break up with Jake, it won't stop him from wanting you."
I look down at the chocolate bar, and I want to throw up my food from earlier. "Can I go see him now please," I beg.
His brown eyes stare into mine, and for a second I can see the heartbroken man in front of me. He may have hated Ledger in the end, but I can feel the family love a mile away. "Yeah, go ahead."
I bolt out of the cafeteria, back to his room. Not even glancing at Reese and Jesse. Jake's sound asleep, but he stirs once I reach his bed. "Hey." He says. He's laying on his stomach because the cuts on his back are still healing with the stitches. He wears a hospital dress, and I can't help but let out a giggle. His boxers are showing.
He looks much cleaner than before. His cut on his cheek having a bandage on it. He looks like my Jake, aside from the cuts around his body.
I sit at the chair closes to him, but he beckons me with an arm motion. "How can I lay with you when you're on your stomach?"
"Just come here, baby. I want to hold you. I'll lay on my side."
My heart squeezes, and he groans out as he rolls to one side. I lay facing him because I want to see his face. "Hi."
"Hi." He weakly smiles and pecks my lips. He's awfully tired I could tell, so I turn around so he's spooning, and I press against him as close as I can because I want to be near him. I grasp his arms and pull them so he's like my blanket.
My eyes rest as well, and I feel like I can finally go to sleep in peace. "I'm afraid," I admit.
"I'm going to figure out, my love. I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" I turn around, but I can tell he's fast asleep.