It's been too long without an update. I'm back and I'm better than ever, enjoy!
She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I loved her. I loved her then, I love her now, and I was convinced I'd love her forever.
Her hand weaved delicately through my own, her fingers gently playing with mine, and a soft smile graces her lips. I find myself twirling the ring on her finger, the one I'd put there after asking her to be my wife. I smile too, and when I look over my eyes meet hers.
"I love you, you know" she says, a silly smirk on her face "more than anything. I don't know how I ever got along without you"
"Difficulty, and you probably burnt a lot of frozen pizzas" I joke, bringing up her inability to cook; something I teased her for constantly, but loved her for anyway.
"That was one time" she rolls her eyes playfully. "You're supposed to say you love me too, ya know. That's how this works"
I laugh "I'm well aware"
"Let's try this again then, shall we?" She leans forward, her hair fanning around her face as her eyes twinkle in the light. "Meredith, I love you"
"I love you too, Tess"
~
I met Contessa Martinez at a bar, late one Saturday night. I was in a rough place, a place where I didn't think I'd ever be happy again, and somehow, someway, she seemed to make it a little better. We clicked immediately, and within the month we were exclusively dating; it was something I'd never expected.
We told each other everything; from the very beginning, we made it essential to always talk about our feelings, our hopes, our dreams, what made us happy, what made us angry. When I met her, a hole consumed me and I didn't know how to fill it. Gradually, over time, she made me forget about the hole.
But I knew, as long as I lived and as long as I breathed, the hole would always be there.
The hole, if anything, sometimes grew. Tess made the world brighter, she was happy and joyful and bubbly; so, when I lied to her, it broke my heart. Every time I told her a lie, the hole grew and I knew eventually I wouldn't be able to patch it up. Eventually, I would be nothing but emptiness.
I lied to Tess every single October third, on what was a birthday. I lie to her on every August sixth, on what used to be an anniversary. When she asks me why I'm upset, why I'm depressed, why I'm drinking more than normal, I lie and say I'm tired or I had a bad day. I couldn't tell her the truth; I couldn't tell her this piece of my past.
It felt too personal, and on some weird level, telling her would've made it more real. Telling her what had ended before we'd begun would've made it too real for me to bear.
So, as I stood in front of Oceanside wellness clinic in Los Angeles, I was intent on fixing the hole. Tess and I were due to be married in eight months; we had everything planned to the T, and I just had to do this one little thing to make sure everything went as planned.
Taking in a shaky breath, I made my way to the elevators inside and pressed the appropriate floor number. I shook, and as I tried to talk myself down, I found it rather difficult. It'd been three years since I'd seen her, three years since I'd held her hand or seen her smile. Three years since I'd seen...
"Doctor Addison Montgomery" I say to the receptionist "I made an appointment"
"Exam room three is open, I'll have our nurse show you over there"
~
Addie and I got married my first year of residency; strange to think that now, eight years later, I was the head of general surgery. We'd been married for five years, five short years that ended in just five even shorter minutes. A shouting match, a slamming door, and a bottle of wine was all it took for my entire world to crumble around me.
She'd left me, and I never went searching. I never tried to make it right, and I still hadn't set foot in the home we'd made together, my Mother's house in Seattle. She left, and I locked the doors and didn't go back. I couldn't bear to be there without her.
Lost in thought, I jump when the door opens and for the first time in three years I see the woman I fell in love with so long ago. The woman who made me fall in love with being alive after a lifetime of darkness. She'd made me whole when I wasn't sure I could be, and she loved me when I couldn't even love myself.
My heart hurts as I study her face, still looking down at the chart in one hand and a coffee in her other, not yet noticing my presence. She's cut her hair; once long red locks now sat, a shade darker, just above her shoulders. But besides that, she looks the exact same; and it shocks me that I'm filled with a sense of longing, of missing her.
"Ms. Williams, I'm Doctor Montgomery, I'll be your obstetrician..." she looks up at me, and her face falls straight to the floor, along with the chart she was holding. I was surprised the coffee stayed in her firm grip.
"Meredith" she says, looking as if she's seen a ghost. "Meredith, what the hell?" She asks, snapping out of her trance and back into her normal state. And fuck, if my chest didn't cease when she said my name after so long.
"I didn't think you'd see me if I used my real name. I had to ask Callie where you worked now, not that she wanted to tell me" I'd known Addison had moved out of state, but her whereabouts remained a mystery to me for the three years we were apart.
Until now.
"I need to talk, we've got some things to sort out and it's not like I could've just called you" I defend myself, and she just looks at me with the same tired expression she wore the night she walked out. She same tired expression I didn't run after.
"Lets go to my office. An exam room isn't exactly an appropriate setting for this" she leads me out and down the hall, to a shiny door with an even shinier name plate reading 'Doctor Addison Forbes-Montgomery'. As soon as I'm in, the door is shut and locked behind me and the curtains promptly closed, blocking us from any outside onlookers.
"Please sit, Jesus knows I need to" she says, and I sit across from her desk. She looks shaken as she sits in her chair, and I suddenly feel bad for springing this onto her so suddenly.
"I'm sorry to come back like this. I don't mean to upset you, but it's been three years and we just didn't take care of some things" we'd never gotten divorced; legally, we were still married and we both knew it. Divorce would involve lawyers and meetings and frankly, the thought of it just killed me. I couldn't bring myself to sit down with a stranger and try to divide up the love we'd created the day we got married.
I didn't serve her with divorce papers, and she never served me with any. It was a situation that was best left unaddressed, at the time.
"Why now?" She shakes her head, her hair bouncing slightly. "I mean, it's been three years. I expected to have to do this at some point, but I figured you'd send a lawyer. I'd sign here, you'd sign in Seattle, and that would be it"
"Come on Addie, our marriage deserved more than a couple of papers signed" its scary how quickly her nickname slips from my mouth "I couldn't just send you papers, even after all this shit, it still means more than that. At least, it does to me" I confess, and its odd to say it out loud. I needed to see her, I couldn't just end it without speaking to her.
"Why now?" She asks again, a broken look across her beautiful face.
I sigh, and lean back in my chair. I find it hard to say the words I came all this way to say. Stuck at the tip of my tongue, I have to wrestle with myself to get them out.
"I'm getting married"
She raises her eyebrows, but doesn't look as upset as I thought, which I was taking as a good sign. "Well, I guess I should congratulate you. When's the lucky day?"
"Eight months" I say awkwardly, feeling the tension rise in the room "we've been together just over a year, she's planning a big wedding, so it's a long engagement"
"You're having a big wedding?" She says, then laughs as if it's a joke. "You couldn't be bothered for that stuff years ago. You went on your spiel about how the moment is all that matters, not the party. Or some crap like that"
I smile, remembering when Addie and I got married. "We got married in the living room of our old house, with ten people there and a delivery pizza. We both had on white sundresses, and the cake was from the grocery store" it was by no means extravagant, but it was the best night of my life.
"Because it didn't matter to us" she smiles fondly too, and I find myself getting lost in her blue eyes as if it were the first time I'd seen them. "We only cared about the moment, and just loving each other made it more than enough..." she trails off, and then seems to shake her head lighting, breaking our eye contact.
"Anyway. Who's the lucky woman? If she's here with you, I'd love to meet her" just like a snap of the fingers, Addie's back to business.
"See here's the thing..." I say with a sheepish smile. "I never told her about you"
For a moment, Addie looks shocked. Then, anger takes over and I know I've fucked up with not just one woman, but two. And frankly, the idea of Addison being mad with me hurts more than the idea of Tess leaving me.
It's hurt for three years.
"Our marriage meant so much to you, that you lied about it?" She asks me, bitterness creeping into her tone "did you just want it to disappear, to act like what we were never existed? Jesus Meredith, you should've just sent me papers instead of coming all this way to tell me you're a goddamn liar" I know why she's hurt, and it tears me apart.
"That's not why I lied to her" I defend myself "that's not it at all, and if you think for one second that I would do that to you, to us, then you're completely wrong" I'm upset, and I can tell she hears it in my voice. But she doesn't care; everything she feels consumes her, and I know her well enough to know her own anger overshadows everything else.
"Blame this on me like you probably blame me for leaving. I don't care, I don't give a fuck anymore. I left, I know I did, but you let me. You didn't give a damn if I stayed or left, and now you've got someone else" her voice is loud now, borderline yelling, and I feel my blood boil in my veins.
"I don't blame you, fuck, all I've done for three years is blame myself!" I scream "I let you go, and I hate myself for it. I drove you to leave and I didn't fight for you like I should have and I was broken without you! I didn't know how to survive without you! That's why I didn't tell Tess" I say brokenly, feeling my eyes well up. This was emotional turmoil, and I could feel all the emotions surface, ones that I'd managed to keep at bay for three years now.
"If I told her, then it would be even more real. I'd have to try to explain to her that whatever we were is over, and I'd have to try to describe you without looking like my heart was breaking inside my chest, and I'd have to lie to her face and say I don't love you anymore" tears are free falling now, and she's crying with me. It's a lot to take in, this confession of mine, but somehow I know this will fill the hole. These words that I've been longing to say will finally make me feel like myself again.
"Because in my head, we're still married and in my head you still love me and in my head I'm still in love with you" I say softly, brokenly, feeling as if my world crumbled for the second time. "I'm still in love with you, Addison. I won't ever stop loving you. Tell me, how am I supposed to look at her with love in my eyes if I can't even look at her the same way I look at you?"
She looks at me for a long time, tears silently falling down her cheeks. I miss her, and I want her back, but I know it's done. What's over is over and I've believed for too long that this was beyond repair.
"I've waited" she says, wiping the tears from her face "for three years for you to come back and say those words to me. Three goddamn years, I wished and I hoped you still loved me. We had one stupid fight, one really stupid, really unnecessary fight. And just like that, it was over. And I waited for you to come after me, but you never did"
"I should have" I say, my eyes pleading for her to understand "but my pride was in the way. I wanted you to come back to me, but I know now that it doesn't matter. It never did; I should've went after you and told you I loved you and we could've went back to being happy"
"I shouldn't have left. And if I could go back, I wouldn't have" she sobs out, a hand going to her mouth "Jesus, I missed you and I wouldn't have gone. Meredith, I'm still in love with you"
Just like that, the hole is gone and just like that, I've got her in my arms and I'm kissing her like it's the first time. Her mouth feels familiar and her body fits together perfectly with my own, and it feels like for the first time in a long time, that I'm at peace.
In that moment, everything was alright.