♡
Sara's POV
Friday finally approached - I was so bored. I was so beyond bored with this always repeating work and those simple tasks. Print the papers. Design the layout of the papers. Reread the papers. Correct the papers. Spend lunch with my old boss. Go back to reading the papers. Answer a few emails. Send out a few emails. Go fetch the latest issue of any newspaper. Most of these tasks were just a copy and paste type of task and just took mere minutes. I always went home two hours earlier.
And that was another problem; the fact I got home so early. I had nobody to hang out with, so what did I do? Clean the flat until my hands burned. Go jogging for hours and hours. Read all the books I had.
Not only was I bored, I felt as if everything around me was just so ... bothersome. Why bother dressing nicely? Why bother going out? Why do anything at all? Nobody saw me, nor did anybody judge me.
What sense did it make? I had lost it all, what more could I lose?
I fastened my jogging shoes with a deep sigh. As I jogged to central park, tears burned in my eyes, but I pressed them away. Why did I always have to cry when I approached the park?
A part of me couldn't and didn't believe that Michael had cheated on me, but the other half of me, the more logical part, told me I was just a fool in love to think that. He was human too, a man like any other, he was capable of cheating on you too, Sara. I mean, looking at his ex, I somewhat understood why he would. She was undeniably a beauty, as much as I hated admitting it, she was stunning.
Giving him a second chance would lead nowhere, nowhere at all. Noah had proved that, and most people didn't succeed in making things right the second time.
Or the third.
Or the fourth.
I held my breath and half-expected him at the gate, waiting for me. But he wasn't there. Why would he be? I had been adamant for him to keep away. Why should he chase after me? If he had said the things I had yelled at him, I would have given him up in a heartbeat. I had been harsh to him.
Why did I feel disappointment build up in my body because he wasn't there? Why did I feel sadness due to his absence in my stomach?
Was Michael still in the company? What was he up to? Did he get back together with Eleanor?
I looked at my legs. Eleanor had been skinny and tall, bore model measurements and was a stunning woman. Her legs were muscular and slim, bore a healthy colour and were endlessly long. Her blonde hair was kept well groomed and had looked freshly cut and coloured. Her eyes were striking and big. Those two would make a great pair and I understood why he had married her.
A model next to a god. What a nice sight they must be.
Why did I run now? I was literally stomping the ground.
I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I'm not thinking 'he is mine - hands off'. I'm not thinking 'stop being with my man'. I'm not thinking 'why would he love you again? He loves me.'
My pace got slower and slower until I collapsed by a bench and started sobbing deeply.
She was so much prettier it was unfair. He was better off with her, a woman who had money, a better lifestyle and wasn't as careful around him. Somebody who wasn't hurt and careful. I couldn't offer him anything but my heart, that was it. I was still married and wouldn't be his until I divorced. I was too thick. I was a foreigner who was only here because of a work permit. It wouldn't have lasted.
Of course he would give me up. What future would he have with me? None at all.
My phone started ringing and I picked it up without even looking who it was. "Yes?", I sobbed. It was quiet for some while.
"No, we are so not doing this", Jess's voice was shaking with anger - but I felt so relieved another sob escaped my lips. I had missed her. I had missed my best friend. Her and Nina and Clarissa. Their energetic and supporting natures. Their good moods. Their jokes. Their presence.
"Where are you?"
"Central park", I sniffed, wiping my tears away.
"Go home. I'll be there in a bit", Jess commanded with a soft voice.
Jess - maybe she knew something about him. Was he happy? Was he better off without me?
Did she know anything about Michael?
But that wasn't the only reason my heart was racing.
I would see my best friend again! I wouldn't be alone anymore!
I almost sprinted to my flat and surprisingly she was there already.
Jess wore heavy winter clothing, appropriate for New York's terrific winters, scanned me up and down with a heavy frown. She wore pink earmuffs which actually suited her. "I don't know who looks worse - you or Michael."
"Don't compare me to him", I mumbled, my heart making an uneven beat. Why did she say that? What was wrong with him?
"Why are your eyes shining then?", she asked with a rude glint in her eyes. I silently moved by her and led her up to my flat.
Jess didn't hesitate and pulled a red wine out of her bag, got us glasses and we sat down on the couch. She opened her arms to me and I sobbed.
"Come back."
"Jess, you know I can't", I cried. "I would make a fool out of myself, nor can I see him. I can't look him in the eyes after what he did to me."
"I don't know what to tell you honey. I hate cheaters as much as you do", Jess patted my hair.
"But?", I asked, pressing myself more into her hug.
"No but. Cheaters are asses. What I think is that you should talk. Like true adults do. He'll surely take you back and you don't have to see him all the time, there are plenty of free positions in the company which are far away from him. You'll have different superiors too."
"Jess, he won't take me back after what I had said to him. You heard what I called him."
The scene played out in my head again. It was like I couldn't control my body and my feet moved stiffly on their own to his office. I had flung open his glass doors, stomped inside and tears had already burned in my eyes.
Michael had jumped up immediately, his face going from annoyed to relieved, then paled as I stalked into his office.
I had been furious, had only seen red, had never felt more betrayed. "Sara-" "You lying piece of shit! You told me you would never do that! You told me you are nowhere like him, that you would take everything serious and not make a step out of line! You are a disgusting, unfair, liar, an asshole, a motherfucker, a fucking jerk!"
"Sara, what did I-?", he had asked and had almost run to me from his desk.
When I had spotted his slightly unbuttoned shirt and his loose tie, that's when my heart had shut itself down completely.
I was shaking.
"Don't 'what did I do' me! You are the worst of the worst! A lowlife, a scum, a-a-a!", I broke out in tears. How could he do this to me? After all he had said to me?
Thousands of things had gone through my mind. That he loved me. That he wanted me. That he was happy when I was around him. That I was his goal in his life. His kisses, his affectionate gestures, the hearts we sent each other - didn't they mean anything to him!?
At that moment I had known that they had meant nothing to him.
"You treat me like dirt, yell at me, make me look like an inexperienced girl and not a trained woman!", I had vented anything that came to my mind, which were the presentations also. "I've had enough of both of you! All talk but no action! I quit! I fucking quit!"
"Sara-!" "No!", I stepped back as he had come closer. "Don't you ever talk to me again!" "Mon amour-!" "Don't call me that!", I screamed, turned on my heel and bolted out the office.
I looked at my feet.
"This is so shitty. Everything is shit. My job. My divorce. Him. I just wish he didn't do this to me. It wouldn't have ruined everything."
"It ruined him too", Jess silently said.
I looked up. No. No! Don't say that! Tell me he's alright! Give me a reason to stop thinking about him!
"He ... lost it. Fired people left and right. Didn't leave work for a week straight", Jess played with her glass, her eyes full of fear and worry. "He nearly fired me too. He lost weight. He looked ungroomed to the maximum. He hadn't showered at all. I had never seen him that shabby."
I jumped up, my wine glass nearly falling onto the floor.
Tears shot to my eyes. "He is suffering? He is suffering!? He knows exactly what I went through, how much it hurt me and then when I try to open up to him, he just breaks my heart and acts like the victim!?"
"Sara, I'm sure-"
"I've had it with him", now I couldn't hold back the tears. I clutched my shirt, my heart hurting. "I-I love him Jess. I really, really do. I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't after what he did to me", I pressed out through my tight lips. My face hurt too. "I ... I know it has just been two weeks. I know we've known each other for two months only-"
"Sometimes even a day is enough to know you met the right person", Jess interrupted me and got up.
She took me into her arms.
"He's such an asshole. How could he do this to me? Why did he do this to me? He told me he would be patient. He told me he would want to make me happy! I didn't deny him any affection either! I kissed him when he wanted to be kissed. I let him touch me, eye me, hold me in his arms - I acted as if I was his girlfriend! He stayed over to beg for my forgiveness. He told me he loves me!"
I couldn't breathe through my tears. "Do these words mean nothing to him? To me they are the most important and intimate words a person can say to you!"
"They are, dear", Jess patted my arm. "Shh, shh, breathe. Calm down. Dry your tears my beauty. I know it hurts. I know it was hard for you to open up again and I regret this happened to you. That's why I think you should talk to him. You deserve an apology from him."
♡
I sent Jess home to Philipp after that. All I did was cry and repeat the one question in my mind over and over again: Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Was I not attractive enough? Was I boring? Was I to blame? Had he still been in love with her? Why waste time on me then?
Those questions shouldn't bother Jess, so I sent her home. She swore she would come by again tomorrow and didn't listen to my weak declines.
I drew my legs closer to my body and I wrapped my arms around them. His scent, sage and honey, rose to my nose and I jumped up.
It was 2 in the morning.
He couldn't be here - no way. I got up and glanced around. The scent was gone.
I laid down again - and there it was.
I pressed my nose into the sheets and hesitated. It was really his scent. Hadn't I thrown everything away that had been tainted by him?
My hand lingered on the spot and I didn't move. I took another careful whiff and sighed in pleasure. It was his unmistakable scent, from the night he had stayed over. Fresh out the shower and straight into my arms.
I pressed my eyes close and his face filled my mind immediately. The crooked grin, the beard, the high cheekbones, the piercing blue eyes, the soft touch of his hair, his strong nose, the lines on his face, his imposing expression - I swallowed.
The way he immediately notices when I want something or don't want something. The softness he harbours when I get unsure. His featherlight touch when he tells me he loves me. The way he kisses me to underline those words.
'I love you', he whispered over and over again. His knuckles brushed my cheek slowly.
It was the night he had stayed over. We had woken up in the middle of the night and stared at each other.
Michael stared directly into my eyes. 'I love you, Sara. Your mind. The way you speak. Your looks. But mostly, I love how optimistic and caring you are. You always want others to be happy before you. You always look forward, no matter how bad the situation is. You can forgive easily; I'm jealous of that.'
"Michael", I sobbed, clutching my pillow closer.
'I want to be as open-hearted as you are, mon amour. I want to walk the world with open arms. Please, show me your way. I want to be next to you and experience the world in a new light. I want to hold your hand forever. You deserve all the happiness and love in this world.'
"Why would you say that, yet not mean it?", I cried, my hands shaking and my heart racing.
When was the last time I hadn't cried myself to sleep thinking about him?
When was the last time I hadn't dreamt of us standing next to each other, holding each other's hand with a proud smile?
When would this suffering end?
Why, Michael?
Why would you do this? To me? To us?
With that question, my eyes fell close and the last tears ran down my face. I tossed several times in my sleep, wishing he was next to me.
Were you happy with Eleanor? Did she treat you right? Even though I hated him, I loved him as much. I wanted him to be happy. He had looked so miserable when he had mentioned his little brother - did Eleanor know how to handle him when he was down? Did she hold him when he needed her strength?
Eleanor, are you treating him right for me? Are you telling him to take breaks from his crazy work? Do you let him tell about his day at work? Do you take him into his arms when he needs it? Do you kiss him happy?
Did you ... make him happy? Please ... if not, do so for me. Because he surely won't return to me after what I had said to him.
After I had blown my chance and he his.
How I wish I could turn time back.