⊱ ♫ ────── ⋆Jaebeom⋆ ────── ♫ ⊰
I was nervous waiting for Sharay to return to the room. I wished I'd installed cameras in the common area of the flat, but reasoned that she probably needed a break from my scrutiny. For fifteen minutes I paced in Jinyoung's room, restraining myself from going right out and meeting with her only because I knew she needed to read the next entry and see the video tape before I approached her. While she was gone, I heard the central heating in the place kick on.
Finally, the door opened and she reentered. Without a glance towards the camera she sat back down at my desk but not before removing her jacket. With her back to me, she bent her head and continued reading.
It was at times like this that I was thankful that Sharay was an avid and fast reader. She seemed to be reading at her regular pace, or at least close to it, which meant she wouldn't take much longer. I was very glad that she wasn't a slow reader like Jinyoung, who savored each and every word in a painstaking way, or Yugyeom who seemed all but illiterate at times. Even so, I lamented that I'd written in such detail, as I was anxious to have her finish. Guess I only had myself to blame though.
¤○•° Sharay °•○¤
The break was exactly what I needed. I'd calmed down quite a bit having read a couple of the entries in Jaebeom's journal. To say I'd been flustered by knowing he was the one who manipulated my being here and that he was watching me on the kitty cam had really thrown me off kilter.
With a bit more ease about the situation, I was able to reason and took the time to head over to the thermostat controls. Though the temperature gauge read that it wasn't that cold in the flat, I was still feeling chilled. 'Probably a little shock' I reasoned to myself as I turned up the thermostat so I could warm up a bit. I'd just have to remember to reset it before leaving or their bill would be very high and they'd be sweating like all get out when they got home!
Returning to the room after a bit, I resisted the temptation to look up at the kitty cam. It's not like it was a two-way camera, so I had nothing to gain by it. Childishly, I wanted Jaebeom to be in the dark about what I was thinking, even if for just a short while. I knew my facial expressions would be a dead giveaway of my feelings, so chose to deprive him of that - for the time being.
Before sitting back down at Jaebeom's desk, I peeled off my coat, trusting the heater would do its job and warm the place up soon. Settling back in, I turned to the next tab.
December 6
It felt weird not writing to you yesterday, but I was a bit thrown for a loop by encountering you near the elevators at the company.
Running into you like that really messed up my plans. Ending up yelling at you and getting admitted to the hospital was not what I'd had in mind either. I'd hoped to show up at your place on our one-year anniversary and tell you how much I love you and that I never stopped, but after how I yelled at you, I seriously doubt you would opened the door for me. Meeting you in another location would be useless as well. The minute you saw me, you'd probably bolt. So, here I am writing this hoping to soften your heart and ease your fears enough that you'll give me a chance to meet you face to face.
I'd been checking the company schedule every day to know your whereabouts to avoid running into you unexpectedly. I even double checked with Mom to make sure you weren't planning on going in yesterday. She told me you were taking finals, so I let my guard down. I should have known that you'd finish up with your work early. I should have anticipated you'd come in and take care of some things on your day off. I know you well enough to have predicted those things, but I was so focused on preparing for our anniversary that I became lax.
I think I'll regret yesterday for the rest of my life. How you must have felt; how you must have hurt to hear me talking with Wonpil and not mentioning our kitten. Though I have excuses, like not wanting to tip off the guy my grandfather had trailing me that I'd kept the kitten, it doesn't take away the pain I must have caused you. If I say I'm sorry a thousand times a day. Will you forgive me at some point?
When I heard you gasp, I didn't need to see your face to know it was you or that you were really devastated by my comment. My heart just crashed and my first instinct was to grab you, hold you, and reassure you I'd kept her and that I loved you. When I saw your expression, you were in shock and not looking at me. Just behind you was Jinyoung, who was standing there with his mouth agape, probably realizing for the first time why I'd locked the door to my room and instructed him to keep quiet about the kitten.
I felt my options were limited. I could ruin all the effort of the past almost six months and rush to your side right then and there, or I could continue with this hideous charade for a bit longer, hoping you would understand and forgive me. I chose the latter. Since I knew my facial expression showed concern, I could only cover it my making the angriest and most hostile face I could. Nothing else would have explained my coloring or the shine in my eyes. Tears were threatening to spill, and I was fearful that my voice would crack and quaver when I spoke. I guess I overcompensated by yelling at you.
When I saw your face crumple and fall completely, I knew I'd completely broken you. As you turned and darted away, bumping into Jinyoung, I was thankful he understood you needed him by your side. I'm also glad you didn't see my reaction after that.
I'd never confirmed that I was breaking up with you. I'd fooled myself into thinking it never really happened by rationalized the fact that the last thing I'd said to you were words of love. I'd only shown you the photos and implied a breakup. I'd been clinging to the false belief that you'd somehow know my heart, but yesterday I actually said words directly to you that were negative and harmful.
The moment your back was turned, a sharp pain jolted through my chest and my eyes went foggy first and then blackness collapsed in on me. I only came to when I felt myself being jostled and placed on a gurney under the careful watch of Jackson.
Jackson looked like he'd rather be anywhere but by my side. He was like a thundercloud ready to explode. He's been so loyal to you, and for that I will forever be grateful. Like with you, I may have done irreparable harm to my relationship with the other guys.
My heart still hurts. It's like sharp cramping pains radiating all throughout my body. I keep feeling cold, and my hands and feet seem to be somewhat disconnected from my body. At first, they thought I might have had a cardiac event, but they later diagnosed it as a severe panic attack. I think they were right the first time. It was true heart break. My heart was and is breaking for you. I can handle anything but hurting you like that. I felt so out of control and emasculated. The only thing I want is to love and protect you, and I've failed at showing you the first and doing the second.
How will you ever be able to forgive me? Has this all been for naught? Was my grandfather correct? Can our love survive my words and actions? These thoughts paralyze me and seem to be playing on repeat without answers. I know that the next few days will afford me more questions and no answers. I'm almost afraid of Saturday because the answer may not be what I want it to be.
My only hope is in our love and in the help I'm getting from Jinyoung. After getting you to Donghae, he came to see me to try and pry answers from me. Though I wanted to tell him everything, I wasn't about to take any chances. He didn't stay long and, shortly afterwards, my grandfather came by the hospital gloating. Fortunately, his pride and belief that he'd won loosened his tongue and he recounted everything. Unbeknownst to either of us, Jinyoung hadn't left, but had popped into the bathroom in the room and he overheard everything. Since it came from my grandfather's mouth and not mine, the truth came out without me violating the contract. That's when Jinyoungie and I concocted a plan that hopefully has you reading this right now.
This is my last entry, but I'll be preparing a video file for you to watch. I can only hope that you'll take the time to see it. Whether you see it or not, whether you agree to meet with me or not, and whether you ever forgive me or not, know that I will always love you and be waiting for you. I have my eyes and heart focused on you.
Your Jaebeom
As that was the last entry, I closed the journal and took a deep breath. Reaching for the original note, I looked for the instructions on how to find the flash drive.
⊱ ♫ ────── ⋆Jaebeom⋆ ────── ♫ ⊰
Now that Sharay knew for sure that I was watching her on the kitty cam, she kept her back, so I couldn't see her expression. I was so nervous wondering how she would react. I was both hopeful and fearful, which made my stomach queasy in nervous anticipation. My palms were sweaty and I was unable to sit still, so I paced around the room trying to release the tension that seemed to build up faster than it could be discharged.
I knew Sharay was on the last entry and that it wouldn't be long before she got to the flash drive. I think I must have held my breath until I saw her insert the thumb drive into the computer. As she turned on the computer, and opened the program, I began second guessing everything I'd done and planned. Would it be enough to convince her? Did I even do the right thing in the first place? Would she forgive me? Even if she did, would she let me back into her life? How was I ever gonna help Sharay heal from the wounds I'd caused? These thoughts battered around in my head like a whirlwind and there were no answers I could provide.
༺ ¤○•° Sharay °•○¤ ༻
I started up the computer on Jaebeom's desk and once it booted, I inserted the thumb drive and opened up the movie file. Though I'd anticipated seeing his face, I wasn't prepared.
Jaebeom was seated in front of a camera. His eyes downcast. He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with apparent nervousness. His emotions were made more obvious by the clearing of his throat that he habitually did when he was delaying and trying to think before speaking. I noted he was chewing on his lower lip and trying to take deep breaths too.
Finally, he dragged his eyes up to look at the camera. Those eyes that I loved and which turned me weak every time I made contact with them. His face was a mass of emotions ranging from apologetic, to fearful, to hopeful. I felt my pulse race and my heart started to beat a strong heavy thrum, as he swallowed once more like his mouth was dry and he couldn't properly perform the task.
"Can we talk?" he asked simply, waiving his phone in his hand. His forehead was all scrunched up with the concern that the answer would be no.
Right them my phone rang. The tune it played was the one only set for his number. I visibly jumped at the sound and looked from phone to video. Absently, as if he could see me (oh yeah he could with the kitty cam) I nodded my head.
Standing up, I looked at my phone and hesitated one more second before swiping my finger to answer the call.
⊱ ♫ ────── ⋆Jaebeom⋆ ────── ♫ ⊰
Four rings and she hadn't picked up yet. I wasn't sure what I'd do if she didn't answer. Nonetheless, I quietly left Jinyoungie's room and headed toward mine with the phone to my ear.
*Click*
I could hear the call connect as the ringing cease.
*Silence*
"Sharay. I need to see you. I need you. Please!" I all but begged, as I inserted the code into the keypad of my door.
*Beep beep beep beep beep beep ...*
The code sounded as I entered the digits that reflected her birth day and month and today's date – our one year anniversary.
I slowly opening the door to see Sharay standing about three meters from me, still holding the phone to her ear. Then, her hand dropped and the phone tumbled to the floor.
For a second that seemed like forever, we stood there looking at one another, not speaking, not moving. Then I took giant strides towards her and, without thinking, enveloped her in my arms.
I heard sobbing and heavy breathing and it took me a bit to realize the sounds were coming from me and not her. Unwilling to let her go, for fear she only let me hold her because I took her by surprise, I took a deep breath and said in a chocked whisper, "I love you. 사랑해. I always have. I'm so sorry. 정말 미안해. i hope someday you can forgive me. 제발? I need you and can't live without you. Do you think you might be able to forgive me?"
"No," came a soft and simple response.
I felt the world spin out of control. I'd lost her. I'd lost everything. I felt my shoulders sag and my arms felt heavy as lead. I wasn't holding her any more as much as I was using her to hold myself up.
"No. I can't forgive you," she continued. I felt the darkness in my heart take over and I wanted to die.
"Forgiveness can only come when someone's done something wrong. The only one in the wrong here was your grandfather. You. You're blameless. So, forgiveness is unnecessary."
As these last words finally penetrated and I realized what she was saying, I also became aware of the fact that she was holding on to me as well. I felt like a veil of darkness was lifted and hope started filling me up.
I pulled back just enough to look at her face. She was smiling at me. SHE WAS SMILING AT ME. I almost screamed with joy at the realization.
"Thank you for loving me," she said. "Thank you for trusting in our love."
"I'm sorry I hurt you and made you sad," I blurted out, but she was shaking her head.
"Don't apologize. I was hurt and sad, but it was because I believed a lie. Now I know the truth, the lie has no power. I can remember the pain, but I don't feel it. I love you Jaebeom, and I can only feel joy knowing you love me too."
What had I done to deserve such a girl? She gave me grace and soothed my worries and fears so easily. As I looked in her eyes, the past six months of being apart came crashing down on me in full force.
I reach up and cupped her face in my hands and gently leaned in until my lips met hers. The softness of her lips and the taste of her drove me mad. I needed this girl on so many levels.
What began as a tender kiss and embrace quickly escalated into a passionate tussle moving us closer and closer to my bed, when a moment of sanity kicked in and I grabbed her hand and said, "Follow me!"
I all but dragged her from the room, rather hastily in fact, stopping only for a split second to snag her fallen phone from the floor and her coat from the back of the chair. I made sure the door was closed and then preceded to the elevator, her small delicate hand engulfed in mine. As we walked down the hall, she lagged behind a bit.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, as I madly jammed on the elevator call button a half dozen times as if it would make the elevator arrive more quickly.
Turning to her I shook my head and say, "No. On the contrary. You were doing everything right. That's why I had to get out of there. The temptation..."
Just then the elevator door opened and as we entered, she dragged me in and gave me a look that signaled she'd been just as tempted. With the doors closing us in, and as if on autopilot, I pinned her to the side of the elevator and my mouth found hers again.
*Ping*
As the doors opened, we were still in full embrace and I'd lost all self control.
"Er humph," I heard a voice being cleared. Looking up, we both spotted Jinyoung smiling broadly with his infamous cat whiskers around his eyes.
"Guess true love survived the test of the wicked grandfather," he jokingly commented.
Sharay's cheeks were pink and she buried her face in my chest. I just laughed and pulled him into a group hug.
"Shall we go see the rest of the members and let them in on what's been going on?" I asked him.
"Sounds like a great plan. The sooner the better given how long Jackson holds grudges, and the others aren't exactly going to be an easy sell either, "Jinyoung offered, before saying, "Great to have you back in the fold, Sharay."
"I never really left. It was just an unexpected detour really," Sharay reply as we walked towards the car hand in hand. "How will we find the rest of the guys?" she asked.
"They'll be practicing a song they've been working on 'in secret' without us," I stated.
"Why without you?" Sharay inquired, confusion clouding her face.
"Because the song's for you," I offered by way of explanation, "and I'm the bad guy."
"And I'm seen as the fence straddler," quipped Jinyoung.
Jinyoung drove, while Sharay and I sat in the back together. Seat belts, and the furtive glances and smirks from Jinyoung in the rear view mirror, were all that kept us from our previous level of passion. As I held her had, I could hardly take my eyes off her.
As we approached the company, Jinyoung suggested we crouch down to go undetected by the fans who were milling around outside. I could see him give a cheerful wave as he maneuvered the car into the underground parking area.
Alighting from the car, the three of us headed to the garage level elevator and took it up, heading to the practice room where the other members would be.
As we approached the room, I could hear music wafting through the air. Looking through the glass window in the door, the five members were hard at work going through the final preparations of the choreography. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door, having instructed Jinyoung to accompany me in and Sharay to wait a bit before entry.
I gave a hearty applause to the guys, as the song was killer and the choreo was lit.
"Is there any chance we can join you?" I asked, knowing in advance what the response would be.
Jackson gave me a death glare and made to walk away. I could see he was barely controlling his anger, his clenched fists and white knuckles were a dead giveaway.
"Why not? It's about Sharay, isn't it?" I pressured.
At that, he spun and charged me. Having the advantage of catching me a little off guard, I found myself being pressed forcefully against the mirror, his hands having grabbed the collar of my shirt. He fairly growled at me when he said, "Don't press your luck. It's taken everything in me not to clock you each and every day for the past six months. You have no right to say her name. I've only kept my cool because you're the leader, but know that you're leader in name only because of your past abilities in that role. You've lost all my respect and I'm having a hard time submitting to your authority."
Jackson gritted his teeth and closed his eyes for a second, apparently attempting to regain his composure but finding it difficult because I could no longer maintain my poker face and I broke out in a full on grin.
"Seunnie, do you know how much I love and appreciate you?" I said, throwing him completely off guard. With that he pushed me away and backed up from me like I had some disease.
"Don't. Don't you dare call me that. You have no right to call me that anymore. We're no longer friends. You lost that privilege when you treated Sharay the way you did. If that's how you treat friends, I want no part of it," he growled.
"Seunnie," I pressed as I walked towards him. He backed away as I approached him.
"Stop. Hajimah! I don't want to hear it. I've missed you so much and it hurts to hear you acting like your old self. I won't be sucked in though. You've changed and I won't be fooled again." With that, Jackson turned, wiping tears from his eyes.
I approached him and wrapped my arms around him in a back hug that he attempted to shrug off, but he was sobbing too hard to make any real headway in brushing me off.
"Seunnie. I love you and I want to thank you. All of you've been the best. You've been loyal to Sharay and for that I'll be forever thankful. You've also stood up to me and called me out for presenting as a real jerk these past few months. I'd have lost respect for you if you'd accepted what I did without question."
At that Mark, piped in. "What are you going on about. You're making zero sense."
Jinyoung stepped forward and added, "You guys are the best. I'd have to agree. I've posed you some challenges myself, because sometimes I was pissed off at Jaebeom and other times I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know you thought I was vacillating between being on your side supporting Sharay and being on his. The thing is, I had some information that led me to question whether things really were as they seemed between Jaebeom and Sharay."
Yugyeom and Bambam were exchanging glances, Youngjae was looking nervous, and Jackson was still crying quietly, but had stopped struggling in my arms.
"Jinyoung met my grandfather when we were debuting as JJP, and again just before GOT7 debuted," I offered, like that would explain everything.
Instead of providing clarity, I was awarded with quizzical looks and Jackson turned and, shaking his head in confusion commented, "You don't have a grandfather."
When I mentioned my grandfather's name, it was Bambam who piped up and said, "Yeah right. Isn't Im Sing-Ki the name of the like 10th wealthiest guy in Korea?"
"Actually, he's only the 15th wealthiest guy," I said, all but spitting it out like I was Youngjae discovering cucumber in my salad.
"Wait, You mean you're a chaebol?" asked Youngjae in disbelief.
"Wait guys, you're getting a head of the story," interrupted Jinyoung. "As I was saying, I'd had some experience with Jaebeom's grandfather, so when I thought Jaebeom was acting way out of character and more like the one who was dumped than the one doing the breaking up, I followed him. Thing is, I wasn't the only one following him. Some other guys were too, and on one occasion I recognized an old man in the car they were driving as his grandfather."
"Oh, and to make things more complicated, Jaebeom was following someone too. Sharay!" he added with the flair of the actor he is.
In unison almost, the guys spun and looked at me. "What the....," seemed the common facial expression for each of them.
"It's a long story, but suffice it to say, my grandfather wasn't pleased about me dating a foreigner and used the family registry as a means to force me to go on that blind date and make it look like I was breaking up with Sharay. I wasn't allowed to tell her or anyone that I'd made a deal to keep away from her for six months, with the end goal of getting him to forever back off if our love was still as strong after half a year. He was sure Sharay would hate me and, as an added bonus, he hoped you guys would walk out or push me out of GOT7, since he'd never wanted me in the entertainment business to start with," I summarized.
"That's how I knew about him," chimed in Jinyoung. "He tried to stop Jaebeom from debuting both as JJP and as GOT7, but was unsuccessful."
Jackson, who was still fighting tears and a wide range of emotions he'd been holding in check for six months, asked the pertinent question, "Why're you here then when you should be talking with Sharay? Or have you already? If so, what'd she say?"
As if on cue, Sharay walked in at that moment.
༺ ¤○•° Sharay °•○¤ ༻
I nearly ran into the room when Jackson charged Jaebeom, but held my ground a bit longer, knowing Jaebeom had a plan to restore their relationship and would do so even if he had to take a few hits in the process. It was only when Jackson started crying at the sense of loss because he felt Jaebeom had betrayed me and them that I could relax a bit. It was also pretty clear when it was appropriate for me to enter.
"Hey guys," I offered a bit shyly.
"Sharay!" cried the chorus of voices, as Jackson broke free from Jaebeom and ran over to give me a big bear hug.
"Um excuse me," I heard Jaebeom say while tapping Jackson on the shoulder. "That would be my girl you're getting very friendly with, and if you don't mind, I'm not exactly willing to share her just yet."
"Oh, sorry. My bad," Jackson said, stumbling over his words, as well as his feet, as he started to beat a hasty retreat because of the infamous death glare the leader was aiming at him.
"Wait just a moment Im Jae Bum. Jackson's my friend too and you got a really long hug in with him earlier and now it's my turn," I said with a wink.
Jaebeom's glare shifted to a smile as he pulled Jackson and me into a hug, commenting, "This feels really right now."
Turning to the Hong Kong member, I said, "Jackson, thank you for the weekly text messages. Though I know it must've been hard to send them, especially since I never replied, they meant the world to me. The thought of losing Jaebeom was bad enough, but losing all of you was rough in its own way too. You're all such a big part of my life. I just couldn't bring myself to respond, as I couldn't get too close to Jaebeom, but I also couldn't bring myself to block your messages. They were like a lifeline to me; a hope that maybe things would work out, though I had no idea how that would happen. At the same time, each text was a painful reminder of what I'd had and lost. Thank you my friend for being so true and loyal," I said as I gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Okay. Now that really is enough," said Jaebeom as he playfully pushed Jackson aside.
Over in the back of the practice room, Mark, Jinyoung, Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom were whispering in a conspiratorial way and finally emerged asking, "So how are we going to address your grandfather, Jaebeom? His actions deserve a reply and we're thinking it should be a pretty public one."