LOUIS POV
I wake up in my bed, someone must have carried me up here, I panic when I realise they could have seen the bandage on my arm, I could easily pass it off though, as my skating injury. This is getting so emotionally draining being here and hiding my secrets. Having Harry hate me I suppose is easier, it allows me to remember why I'm worthless and not to forget my place. Sometimes I think about cutting a little too deep and not waking up, how easy the darkness would be. I could never do that to my mums though, although I know they would be better off without me, it's getting easier to entertain the idea of suicide. It's clear Harry and I will never be close again, I have no friends, I would call Noah a friend but I'm going back home in a few months and he will go back to his normal life and forget about me. So will Harry and the boys. My wrist is so sore but I want to feel the pain, I want my thoughts to stop, I need to stop thinking of Harry and how heartbroken I am. I get up out of bed and go to the bathroom. I close the door and take a few deep breaths. I kneel down In front of my cupboard and reach in to grab my box. It's then that my heart stops and I realise my box is gone.
I panic my breaths coming out irregular, I check and double check. It's really gone, it's not there. Where the fuck is it?? Why is it not there. I didn't move it, maybe the boys have a cleaner and they moved it. Fuck,shit fuck. I can't breathe. What if the boys found it. Oh my god I'm going to be sick, if they found my razors they will hate me, think I'm a freak. I'll be sent to one of those suicide clinics. My mums will find out. Harry will yell at me. The worst part is though, I'll be made to stop. I can't deal with this. I need to know where my box is, if the boys have it. Before I can control myself I'm rushing out of the room and down the stairs. I can hear the television on but it's silent otherwise. When I make my way into the lounge room I see five sets of eyes on me, it causes me to stop in my tracks half a meter from them. Then my world comes crashing down around me, there's on the coffee table sitting so innocently is my box,my secret box. I can't handle this, I can't breathe, maybe they haven't opened it.
"Where did you get that?" I ask shakily.
I grab my wrists and start scratching at them, my breathing is completely irregular I feel like I'm underwater.
"Your room buddy.....we know Lou" Zayn says calmly.
I can't take my eyes off the box.
"It's mine you can't.....why were you in my room.....you can't go in my room.....I want it back, give it back to me please" I say rushed, trying to breathe.
"Calm down Lou, everything is going to be alright" Harry tells me.
I look at him In the eyes, tears threatening to slip down my face, I start shaking my head at him as I try to catch my breath.
"No, no, no, no, no....please no, no, no, this can't be happening......give it back please no, no, no" I panic.
"Louis, I need you to breathe buddy" Andy says to me.
He is crouched down in front of me, I bring my gaze from my box to Andy, he tries to calm me down by touching my arms but I flinch out of his grip I back away from them all. I can't be here I'm such an idiot for letting this happen. Oh god this means so much and I'm emotionally not ready to handle it. I look at the boys faces,they are kind and I see nothing but love but I don't want to be here. I eye the door and I'm about 2 meters away, if I sprint I can make it, I look back to the boys and then suddenly make a run for the front door, Harry is quicker though, like he was expecting me to run and grabs me around the waist, I struggle to no end to get out of his grip.
"Get off me, put me down. I hate you.....I hate you Harry, let me go" I scream.
"Shhhhhh, Lou it's okay sweetheart just calm down" he whispers in my ear.
"No, why should I, you don't care, you hate me....let me go I hate you. I'm leaving and you can't stop me" I yell.
"It's okay Lou, everything will be okay" he tells me.
I'm hyperventilating and struggling in Harry's grip, I manage to get free and I bolt to the box and grab it, I manage to dodge Niall and Zayn when they try and stop me. I race to my room and lock the door and go straight to the bathroom and lock that too. I fall to the ground not being able to catch my breath. I quickly remove my bandage and my bracelets as I hear a pounding on the bathroom door. I comprehend that the boys have gotten through the bedroom door lock and will soon get through the bathroom lock too. I'm so upset and panicking so much I just bring the blade to my wrists and cut, I don't know how deep or how many times i cut but I don't stop. There are tears and my chest is heaving. I hear the door open and someone in front of me but I can't make sense of anything. I hope I've cut to deep and I fall into a permanent sleep.
HARRYS POV.
I race behind Louis but I'm not quick enough, he makes it to the bedroom and shuts and locks the door before I can get there. Andy and the boys are behind me and Andy scoots me over to start working on the lock.
"Fuck, what if he....what if he does something" Niall asks.
"We are right here Niall, I need everyone to relax okay. I know we are all worried,but I'm here I won't let anything happen to him. We need to stay calm for Louis sake please guys" Andy pleads with us.
We all nod and relax a little when Andy clicks the lock open. We enter the room. Louis is not there. We see the bathroom door shut and race over, of course it's locked too. Andy again starts to work on the lock, he talks to Louis in the process.
"Louis buddy, can you open the door?" He asks calmly.
We can hear Louis crying and his irregular breathing from this side of the door. I need to get in there.
"It's okay Louis, you're okay. We're coming" I say to him.
Andy nods at me letting me know I'm doing the right thing and to keep talking.
"Louis, I need you to listen to me and my voice and calm down. No one is going to hurt you, you are safe with us Lou" I tell him.
We manage to get the door open and race Into the bathroom, we are met with a shaking and uncontrollably upset Louis, he is severely hyperventilating and there is blood everywhere. His wrists have been cut and the blood is all over him and the floor.
"Shit" Andy says and that gets us all panicking.
"Niall, I need my bag from downstairs, Zayn, I want a bowl of warm water and Liam I need new clothes for Louis." Andy instructs.
The boys nod and get to their specific jobs. Andy looks at me.
"Haz, I need your help" he tells me.
We both kneel in front of Louis.
"Louis, buddy, look at me" Andy tells him gently.
Louis somehow hears Andy and listens, he raises his gaze to Andy.
"That's it, good boy...I need to see your hands Louis, I need to stop the bleeding" Andy says.
I know this is bad, the blood just keeps coming and coming. Louis shakes his head furiously at Andy, that's when I step in. I get behind Louis and sit down behind him, I bring his shaking form into my chest and lean him against me. He doesn't flinch but his breathing picks up even more.
"Shhhhhhhh, it's me Lou, it's Harry, you're okay. Everything is fine I'm here, I'm right here baby" I say to him.
His sobs start again and it's then I realise he is still holding the blade in his hand. He goes to swipe it over his wrist again but Andy reaches out and gently stops him. He takes the blade out of Louis hand and puts it on the sink. He then Gently takes Louis hands in his.
"It's okay buddy just breathe for us" he says.
"I'm here Lou, we're both here, nothing is going to happen to you" I reassure him.
Louis is gasping for air and I can see Andy is getting concerned. Niall makes it back into the bathroom with Andy's bag. Andy has blood all over his hands and he grabs a towel and places it to Louis wrists.
"Niall, keep pressure on this wrist okay" Andy says.
"Should we be calling an ambulance?" Zayn asks from the doorway, back with the bowl of warm water that he hands Andy.
"I can fix it all up here, I can give him stitches if he needs them, we just need to calm him down" Andy tells us.
"Louis, I want you to focus on me, focus on my breaths and breathing okay, you need to relax" I tell him.
Andy sets to cleaning up Louis wrists and I try to calm him down.
"That's it baby, in and out. I've got you just relax" I tell him.
Eventually Louis calms down and is resting back against my chest. He is sniffling and hiccuping every now and then but he is calm. He is looking at the bathroom wall, I card my hands through his hair and he relaxes in my arms. Andy and Niall gently clean Louis cuts and stop the bleeding, we are all covered in Louis blood by the time they are finished. Louis right arm looks like the cuts are really deep. His left arm must be the infected arm because it looks nasty and red and extremely painful.
"Okay, so I need to put stitches In your right arm Lou, you cut it quite deep. I'm going to give you a numbing needle though so you won't feel it" he tells Louis.
"I can handle the pain" Louis says croakily.
His eyes never leave the wall and his comment breaks my heart.
"I don't doubt that buddy" Andy says.
He gives Louis a needle in his arm and he doesn't even flinch. He then stitches up his arm and bandages them both.
"Louis, I'm going to have to put another drip in, i need to give you your antibiotics through that, I can't risk these new cuts getting infected too okay" Andy says.
He doesn't get a response from Louis, but sets to setting him up anyway. Andy grabs the new clothes for Louis off Liam and then Zayn, Liam and Niall leave the room. Andy and I undress Louis to his boxers and redress him in his new clothes. His small frame is worrying and I don't miss the concerned look Andy gives his body. When we finish dressing Louis I carry him to bed and tuck him in. He doesn't say anything else but he falls asleep instantly completely exhausted.
"I'm going to sleep on the couch Haz, I want to be here if something happens okay, I might camp over for a few days. Can you stay with him?" Andy says.
"Of course, yeah definitely. I won't leave him, I'll call you if I need you" I tell him.
He smiles at me and goes to leave the room.
"Thank you Andy" I tell him.
"You did good Haz, really good" he tells me.
I smile slightly and he leaves me alone with Louis. I strip down to my boxers and hop into bed with him . I grab onto his tiny body and I don't let him go. I wrap him up and hold onto him for dear life. Scared that if I loosen my grip he will disappear.
LOUIS POV.
I wake up gasping for air, sweating, I look to my left and there is a drip in my arm. The nights events come crashing back to me and my chest heaves. Harry is sleeping soundly to my right, I wonder why he is even there, why he was gentle with me. It doesn't matter anyway, what matters is that they know. The boys know my secret and I'm in deep shit now. I steady my breathing and run my hands through my sweaty hair. I desperately need a glass of water, I could wake Harry up. Yet I don't want to deal with him and his confusing shit. I look at the clock and it says 3am. I could sneak out of the house, go back home without anyone knowing. But then I would have to deal with mum and Ann. I sigh my life is shit right now. The tears come then and I end up pulling the drip out of my hand, I don't want Harry to wake up and I just need some air. I push the covers off slowly and I make my way out of the room. I walk slowly down the stairs and I come to the lounge room, even through the dark I don't miss Andy and Niall cuddled together on the couch. My confusion sets in then. So Andy and Niall are together? Niall and Andy are gay? Noah is gay and Harry is still friends with all of them, Harry still loves all of them. Why is it me that is such a fuck up then, why does he hate me so much. I hate myself so much, I never going to be good enough for anyone. My wrists ache and I scratch the itch with my nails, digging in to my skin. I don't notice Harry's presence until he says my name.
"Louis" he says cautiously from in front of me.
His voice causes Niall and Andy to wake up, Niall switches the light on.
"Lou, buddy what are you doing out of bed?" Niall asks.
Andy is standing in the middle of the lounge room and His arm is tightly wrapped around Niall's waist.
"Are you two together?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah Lou, Niall and I have been together for a while" Andy says, going along with my question.
"Did you know?" I ask directing my question to Harry.
He looks at me slightly confused,
"Yeah I've known for a while" he responds calmly.
"And you know Noah is gay too" I ask
"Yeah, Noah and Jaxson are both gay" Harry says.
"Then why do you hate me? You left me when you found out I was gay but you don't hate them you just hate.....you just hate me" I say upset, tears rolling down my face.
"Oh, Lou....baby, I didn't leave because you came out Louis......Jesus...I" Harry says and he tries to step towards me but I step back.
"You what?..... You just hate me because I'm me, like everyone else?" I yell.
"I don't hate you Louis, I've never, ever hated you" Harry tells me. His face full of sadness.
"Then why did you leave me?" My own voice sounds so deflated and rejected, I hate it but I can't help it.
"It's complicated" Harry says.
And no, that's not good enough. I'm so angry and upset and hurt.
"I hate you" I say
"No you don't baby" Harry says.
He then walks over to me and takes me in his arms, I fight him as best I can. I punch his chest and cry and I yell at him.
"You left me and you don't even care, I needed you and you left. You hate me and I deserve it. I'm nothing and will never mean anything to you!" I scream at Harry.
"Calm down Lou, it's okay. I've got you,I'm here now I'm so so sorry kiddo....,I'm so sorry" Harry tells me.
"I don't trust you, you will leave me again I know it and I can't do it anymore, I don't want to do it anymore!" I yell into Harry's chest.
"I'm not going anywhere baby" Harry says.
"Stop calling me that, like you care, like I mean something to you" I say
"You mean the world to me Louis you mean everything to me" Harry tells me.
I'm done fighting and I collapse in Harry's arms we end up on the floor Harry with his back leaning against the kitchen counter and me straddling him, my face buried in his neck.
Harry brings my head off his shoulder and cups my face with his large hands. He thumbs my tears away.
"Louis.....I love you" Harry's says and my heart stops at his words. My blue eyes meet his incredible green ones.
"No....you don't" I whisper, my eyes never leaving his.
"I am in love with you and have been for five god dam years......that's why I left Lou, because I couldn't face my feelings. I'm so, so sorry Louis" Harry tells me.
"You left me because you love me? That.....that doesn't make sense Harry God" I say frustratedly.
"I thought pushing you and my feelings away was easier than admitting I'm in love with my step brother Louis. When I saw you at that train station for the first time in five years, I thought you were the most beautiful, stunning boy I'd ever seen in my life. My feelings never went away, I tried again to push you away when I realised how much I cared for you, how much I wanted to protect you, to keep you safe and it was out of my control. I'm so sorry, I know I went about it the wrong way Louis, I know and I'm so sorry. I love you.....I'm in love with you" Harry finishes.
I'm stunned, speechless and completely taken aback. I have no idea what to say or do. Suddenly though there are lips on mine, Harry's lips, they are soft and I instantly get shivers up my spine. He moves his lips against mine so slowly, I can feel his breath on my lips and my chest erupts, like everything I have been wanting and missing in my life is coming together. Harry feels safe and exactly like home, exactly what I've been missing. I pull away quickly and Harry seems stunned.
"You can't love me Harry, you just can't" I start, getting upset again..
"Why Louis, why not, why can't I love you?" Harry asks, sadness written all over his face
"I'm fucked up, I'm nothing, Everyone says it. I deserve everything I get and I don't deserve you" I spill out in one breath.
"Baby stop, just stop please" Harry speaks gently.
I look at him in the eyes.
"Let me, please let me show you you are worth everything Louis. Let me show you how much I love you please.....just give me one chance. You deserve to be loved Louis and I know I can love you right" Harry declares holding my gaze.
I don't know what to say or to feel, I'm so tired and exhausted, I want to trust Harry, this is all I've ever wanted and he is offering it to me. All I have to do is say yes. If he lets me down though, if he leaves me again I don't know what I will do. I take a deep breath.
"Okay" I whisper.
Harry grins widely at me, he kisses my lips and hugs me to him.
"God Louis, this is all I've ever wanted. I'm here I'm not going anyway I've got you baby" he tells me.
We sit in the kitchen together me resting against Harry's chest, Andy and Niall long gone back to Niall's room giving us some privacy.
"Is that why you do it Lou?" Harry asks, breaking our silence.
"Is what why I do it?" I whisper.
"Because I left? Is that why you hurt yourself?" Harry asks.
I know he is scared of the answer.
"No, I didn't start until a year after you left. I felt so alone Harry, all my friends abandoned me, I was bullied and still am badly everyday and it hurts so bad. Mum and Anne are always working and the house gets so lonely. I just wanted one person.....one person to talk to, to tell me I was worth it, to tell me everything would be okay, to be there for me. It's selfish I know,but I had no one. One day I was beat up so badly I needed stitches in my lip and my arm was broken and so was my rib. I had a severe concussion and had to go to the hospital. The guys who did it told me if I said anything to my mums they would kill me and I believed them. I told mum and Anne I fell down the stairs, they believed it. Mum and Anne looked after me for a day then had to go back to work. I was so scared to go back to school, I tried to call you that day, usually your phone rang out but not that time. That time it said it was disconnected, that was it for me. I kept hearing the voices of them all in my head telling me how worthless and disgusting I was and I couldn't take it anymore. I thought you hated me, so I did the only thing I could think of. I ran a blade over my wrist, it helped so much. It put me in my place, I new where I belonged. It made me feel in control and the voices would disappear for awhile. It then became an addiction, if I didn't do it the voices got to much, I was being selfish so I would cut more the next time. I tried to stop but what's the point when everyone hates you and there was nowhere else to turn. I don't know how to stop Harry, I don't want to be like this, a stupid fuck up. I just want to be accepted for who I am, I want someone to talk to me, to love me is that so much to ask?" I finish crying and gulping for air.
"Baby, you deserve all of that, I would hurt myself a million times over if it meant that you would never feel any pain again. All I can tell you is how sorry I am. I'm going to show you that you don't need the blade Louis, I know I wasn't there for you but I am now. I promise you with everything I have inside me I will love you and help you. We can do this together I'm here for you now, I'm here" Harry says.
That's all I ever wanted to hear and when I look at Harry there are tears running down his face, I grab on to him and wrap my arms around his neck we bury ourselves in each other's embrace and cry. Eventually we calm down and Harry carries me back up to his bed. It's bigger and way more comfier than mine, we get in and he holds me close to his chest as we fall asleep. Harry carding his hands through my hair. As I close my eyes I feel somewhat lighter and that maybe things will be okay.