༺ ¤○•° Sharay °•○¤ ༻
We left the park early evening, and as we were heading out of the gates I saw an elderly couple taking selfies. It was clear they were on some sort of anniversary trip, so I walked over to them and handed them the tickets I had received from Gavin's parents the day before. Since we had left Daniel alone for the day, I didn't have the heart to leave him at night again to attend a show. Even if he felt well enough to go with Mom in our stead, I wasn't prepared to be alone at the hotel with Jaebeom, because I was not confident I wouldn't back out of my prior commitment to keeping a distance from him.
Upon return to the hotel, we found that not only had Daniel rallied, but Dad had called to say all power had been restored at home. Instead of heading straight for home, Mom decided we would stay the night and leave in the morning.
At dinner Jaebeom got a call, so he excused himself and took the call in the foyer of the restaurant. When he returned, he looked distracted but didn't comment on the call. Instead, he sat down and continued his meal.
After dinner, he asked to speak with my mom alone. It was at that point that I started sensing trouble and assumed that he would be returning to Korea way earlier than expected. Daniel and I decided to give them their space, so we headed over to the hotel lobby and gift shop.
"Sit down kids. There's been a change in plans," my mom said upon our return. I knew what was coming. I could see it on Jaebeom's face, as he couldn't meet my eyes.
"Jaebeom got a call earlier from Mr. Park. Apparently, last Friday there was an incident that has caused some problems and he needs to return to Korea to address it. Instead of returning here afterwards, he's going to continue his training via Skype for the next few months. Sharay, I'll need you to work with me on scheduling the times for that and coordinating the training that would be most effective," Mom said, looking to me as she explained the last part.
Even though I had predicted it, I felt numb. It was one thing to push Jaebeom back so I wouldn't become even more attached to him. It was quite another to know that he would be leaving and not staying for the three weeks that had been planned. In a perverse way, it was a bit of a relief, since this afternoon had been a bit tense and awkward. However, it also meant we wouldn't have the time to work out how our friendship would go from here with the new boundaries I had demanded.
Looking over at Jaebeom, I wondered if he even cared. He had, after all, agreed to my terms without so much as a single comment.
"Wait," Daniel chimed in. "Exactly when is he heading back?" he asked of Mom.
"Thursday morning. His original return flight from Miami has been changed to the one leaving out of Ft. Myers, going through Dallas, just like the last time. Sharay, you can drive him to the airport again," was her reply.
I merely nodded and didn't say a word. What was I supposed to say? What could I say? I knew what the situation was and how problematic it would be if he didn't return given that it apparently hadn't died down with the efforts they already made.
"I really want to make sure that I continue with my training, "Jaebeom was saying. "I know it'll take longer since I won't have six or more hours a day and immersion the rest of the time. If I set aside 2-3 hours four days a week and an hour on the other three days, schedule permitting, do you think I'll really be totally fluent by early December?"
"Yes. You have great work ethic Jaebeom, and I'm sure that Sharay will make sure that your vocabulary, reading, writing, and conversational skills are up to par by then. I've almost completed the cognitive part of your training. If we put in four hours tomorrow, we'll be almost there," my mom assured him.
Jaebeom turned to me and asked, "Are you okay doing that much online training time with me between now and our US comeback in December?"
His question had layers to it that my mom and brother didn't understand, but I did. He was asking if I would be willing to have that much contact with him or if I wanted to pull back from that as well. I felt my chest tighten.
"If that's what you want, then I'm able to do it," I heard myself reply. I wanted to know that he wanted to continue our friendship and not feel obligated.
"Absolutely!" he responded, smiling at me with that sideways grin of his. "Who else would I trust but my best friend to help me with this important task," and with that he assured me that the wall I had built was one he could live with.
⊱ ♫ ────── ⋆Jaebeom⋆ ────── ♫ ⊰
Walking around the rest of the day at the park was a challenge. I didn't know where to put my hands. More than ever I found myself wanting to reach out and touch Sharay, from something simple like tapping her to call her attention to something to brushing away a loose strand of hair that had fallen in her eyes. I was glad she had given the Cirque du Solae tickets away. Had I found myself alone with her in a quiet darkened setting, I think my resolve to comply with her 'hands-off' policy would have dissipated.
During dinner, I received the call I had feared would come from JYP. The whole incident with that lady at the awards party was not dying down and the longer we went without me making a formal appearance and comment on the matter, the worse the rumors swirled. I was going to have to return to Korea, leaving on Thursday. There was a press conference set for Friday evening. Now all I had to do was confer with TJ about doing my training remotely and find out if Sharay was still willing to be my primary vocabulary, literary, and communications coach. I was concerned she would pull back on that too.
After speaking with TJ, Sharay and Daniel returned from the hotel lobby. The look on Sharay's face let me know that she had already surmised what was going down. All she needed were the details of when I was leaving and that I wouldn't be back, at least not until the comeback fan meetings in December.
As TJ laid out the plan for the remote training schedule, I kept an eye on Sharay to see what her response was. Though she was usually very easy to read, I couldn't tell if she would be willing to work with me that frequently or not, if at all even, so I had to specifically ask.
While her response was not exactly enthusiastic, I decided to take it in a positive light. I was still going to pursue my friendship with her, even if I had to drag her to the relationship kicking and screaming. I was not going to settle for being friend-zoned either.
The following day we returned to Ft. Myers. After the drive, I set about packing and got in four hours of auditory training with TJ at the office. Sharay had opted to stay at the house. While I was disappointed by that, I understood her reasoning since the training was purely involving TJ.
That night, when everyone had gone to bed, I knocked on Sharay's door.
"Come in," she called, probably out of habit more than because she meant to invite me in.
"Hey," I said awkwardly. "Would it be more comfortable for you if I took a taxi to the airport?"
"No. Not at all. It's the least I can do. You have a really tough job ahead of you with the travel and the press conference. Sorry. I haven't made it any easier." Her voice trailed off.
"What do you mean? You've been great. I couldn't have learned as much, as quickly as I have, without you. But, you're right. I'm not looking forward to the press conference. At least I'll have plenty of time on the flight to formulate my thoughts and figure out the best way to diffuse things without having to admit I was in Atlanta instead of at her apartment."
I looked up at Sharay to see something flash across her face and just as quickly disappear. I wasn't sure what it was, but since she didn't offer, I didn't pressure her. Instead, I said, "Sleep well. I'll be up early, so I'll see you at breakfast."
I delayed my departure a second longer to see if she would offer anything further, but when there wasn't anything forthcoming, I reluctantly returned to my room. I hadn't been expecting anything, but I had been hopeful. I still wondered what I had done to cause her to pull back the way she had. I guess I wouldn't be getting that answer any time soon.
༺ ¤○•° Sharay °•○¤ ༻
I contemplated telling Jaebeom how I felt about him when he came to my room. I mean, he would be gone in the morning and, even though it would make the training challenging and a bit awkward, it couldn't be any more awkward than it was now. But as I saw him standing in my doorway, I knew I couldn't risk losing him as my friend, so I clammed up.
As he turned and left my room, I felt such a sense of loss. And tomorrow he would be leaving my life for all intense and purposes and when he came back it wouldn't be as Jaebeom, it would be as JB.
The following morning, I woke up in time to make Jaebeom some fried chicken and rice for breakfast. Things almost seemed normal. Almost. As we packed up Jaebeom's luggage in the car, Mom, Dad, and Daniel came out to see him off. As they all gave him a hug goodbye, I realized I wouldn't be getting one ever again and was jealous of them all at that moment.
With the airport just about five minutes from the house, we reached our destination all too soon. Instead of checking in at the airlines outside luggage location, Jaebeom convinced me that it would be best to pull into the parking garage and he would walk to the interior ticket counter for check in. Unlike the last time, when he merely had a carry-on, this time he had a large suite case and thought it was best to deal with the inside personnel rather than risking the outside check in getting the tagging of his luggage to Seoul mixed up.
Pulling into the parking garage, I got out and helped open the trunk. Jaebeom pulled his suitcase from the back and placed it next to the car, before turning to me.
"I'll message you when I get to Dallas and again when I arrive in Seoul," he said.
"You don't have to do that," I offered.
"Yes. I do. I want to."
I was standing there not knowing how to say goodbye, so turned towards the driver's door and made to open it. Then I felt the strength of Jaebeom holding me from behind.
"I'm sorry. I'm breaking your rule," he murmured into my ear as his warmth flowed through me like a life supplying dose of energy. "I just can't leave things like this."
⊱ ♫ ────── ⋆Jaebeom⋆ ────── ♫ ⊰
I knew I wouldn't get a voluntary hug from Sharay like I did from her parents and brother and that thought was almost more than I could handle. The drive from the house to the airport was altogether too short. Since the outside baggage check in locations were notorious about messing up luggage tags, I had Sharay pull into the garage from where I would unload my suitcases and enter the airport.
Sharay got out of the car to help me open the trunk of the car so I could pull out my bags. I placed the large one on the ground and propped my carry-on on top of it. I tried to delay her departure by stating I would message her from Dallas and again upon arrival in Seoul, but she merely responded that I didn't have to do that. I noted that I actually did, because I wanted to. As I said this, Sharay turned to get back in the car.
My mind was screaming "NO!" this is not how it is supposed to be. I couldn't, wouldn't, leave without holding her one last time, so as if on autopilot I followed her with long strides and came up behind her as she reached the door.
Wrapping my arms around her, I nestled my nose into the sweet smell of vanilla and apples coming from her hair. My voice was soft and filled with emotion as I said, "I'm sorry. I'm breaking your rule. I just can't leave things like this."
Sharay froze in my arms. I wasn't sure what to expect from her, but as she placed her hands on my arms, I was afraid she would push me away, so I continued, "Please. 제발. Don't push me away. I need this. You're my best friend. There must be an exception to the rule for best friends, at least when they're leaving the country for close to five months, right?"
Thankfully, her hands arrested their attempt to push me away, and instead they rested on my arms. I leaned into her, tightening my arms around her, molding her to my body and mine to hers.
"I don't know what I did, or didn't do, to make you push me away. Whatever it was; I'm sorry. Please forgive me," I all but pleaded.
There was still no response from Sharay, so I pressed on. "I know you want to reserve hugs to someone who loves you and whom you love. I get that, but my feelings for you are real and my hugs are not casual or frivolous. I don't know what you think of me, but know that I am not one who usually likes, much less craves skinship. My reputation as the cold and intimidating member of the group is well earned. But with you, this feels so natural. So right. The last time we were here, you gave be a back hug and told me I was your best friend. I hope that's how you still feel, because that hasn't changed for me. You are my best friend. You always will be. And I am going to miss you more than you will ever know."
With that, I abruptly released her from the back hug, spun her around and held her to me as if my life itself depended upon it.
Several moments passed with us embracing. I realized at some point Sharay's arms had come up and where hugging me with the same intensity. I still didn't know why she had placed a wall up, but I felt in crumble at that moment and it gave me hope. I finally pulled back a bit so I could look at Sharay's face.
Releasing a ragged breath, not realizing I had been almost holding it the entire time, I looked in her eyes for any sign that she cared for me the way I cared for her. What I saw I couldn't understand. I could see confusion, maybe a little fear, play across her face, and a single tear spill over and down her cheek. I so wanted to kiss that tear away and hold her until the fear was pushed away, but I knew that would only make matters worse. Instead, I bent down and kissed her forehead and without a sound mouthed 사랑해요 so she neither saw not heard it, and then gently released her.
I turned, grabbed my bags, and took one last look at Sharay over my shoulder. I gave her a smile that was probably a little wistful, and said, "I'll be in touch. And come December...." My voice trailed off, hoping she could sense all that I felt. Afraid to hear what she might say, and knowing if I stayed a moment longer I would never leave, I briskly headed for the terminal without glancing back again.