Second year started off well, minus the fact that at nineteen I was trying to divorce my husband, becoming an addict, and my friends had no idea about any of it. But I was okay with that, this was my personal life and I was embarrassed. So, I kept it quiet.
Ashton and I were back to working our jobs on campus, as we went to class, and continued trying to have social lives.
A month in, we all went to a party on campus. I had met a lot of new people that night, including Ashton's friend, Michael. They had met in first year at some party and had been friends ever since.
Ashton, Michael and I left the party together. We went to McDonald's, Ashton was so high, and drunk, and Michael was drunk. I was high as well, but they didn't know that. It was the place we needed to be.
//
"I'm shocked Ashton never introduced us earlier, or that I've never seen you around." I tell Michael, tapping my fingers against the table of the McDonald's booth we're sitting in.
"Well, I've seen you around, I just don't think you've ever noticed me. You didn't know me until tonight." Michael replies, shrugging his shoulders as he leans back into his seat.
"You didn't know me until tonight either." I add, considering we only met tonight.
Michael nods, "Yeah, but I knew of you. Ashton talks about his friends a lot. I'd see you two together on campus sometimes. It's hard not to notice somebody like you."
After his last comment his eyes wandered to his food in front of him, refusing to make eye contact.
I bite my lip, trying to hold back a smile, "Oh, really?"
He nods again, trying to hide his small smile, "Yeah."
"Guys, it took them so fucking long to make my food, fuck." Ashton groans, plopping down next to me.
"Dude, it wasn't that long. You're just high as fuck." Michael chuckles.
Michael and I had both already ate, we just didn't order as much as Ashton. Ashton just never stops.
We sat in silence as Ashton focused only on eating his food. Michael and I both kept giving each other looks from across the table.
"What the fuck are you two doing?" Ashton asks, looking up from his food for the first time, finally acknowledging Michael and I.
I quickly look away from Michael, trying to hide my smile.
"Don't worry about it, eat your food." Michael says, before looking over at me and smirking.
Ashton shrugs, going back to his food and ignoring Michael and I.
Michael and I spent the rest of our time there talking to each other, some might say it was flirty, but I won't admit to it.
//
Eventually Ashton and I managed to make our way back to our apartment, Nina and Kyle were both there already. They were both asleep though. Ashton and I got ready for bed but met up back in our kitchen sitting at the island.
We were both sat on stools as we both dig into ice cream right from the tub. Ashton and I were both sober by then.
//
"Michael's pretty great, huh?" Ashton says, looking over to me.
I try my best to hide the smile on my lips, "I think so, yeah. He's a nice guy."
"Oh, will you cut the crap? I know you two were flirting, I'm not that clueless." Ashton says, pulling the tub of ice cream away from me.
"Hey! I want more!" I complain, completely ignoring the Michael conversation.
"No. We need to talk about this. Has Luke signed the papers?" Ashton asks, getting up and putting the ice cream away.
I groan, throwing my head back in frustration, "Luke hasn't, no. I honestly don't think he will any time soon."
"But it seems like you and Michael might be an option soon." Ashton returns to sit next to me.
"Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yes, we might've been flirting a bit. But, I will not be getting involved, not for a little while at least. Even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I don't consider myself to be with Luke anymore. In my mind we're divorced. That's it." I rant, wanting to defend myself over what happened tonight.
"I agree, but the law states you're married. Just be careful, Okay? I love you and don't want you getting hurt." He replies, coming over and standing behind my chair, hugging me from behind.
"Thanks, Ash. I appreciate it. Can you just maybe, not tell Michael about Luke?" I ask, turning my head to look up at him.
"Obviously, Kels. Come on." He says, looking somewhat offended that I thought he would.
//
Classes were going okay; I was able to keep up with everything. Michael started hanging around our place more. Ashton, Michael and I just hung out a lot more.
I continued getting high, like, a lot. Most of the time I'd lock myself in the bathroom Nina and I share or my room and do a couple lines before going back to normal life.
Time continued on, and my problem just got worse. I was doing it often. I was shocked none of my roommates had found out, though I was doing whatever I could so they wouldn't find out.
We all continued going to parties on weekends, going to classes during the week and Ashton and I still managed to do well at our jobs.
Months went by and Christmas break came around. Everybody went home to their families. I stayed home. I didn't have anybody to go back to. My relationship with my parents got worse after I moved out and continued to get worse. So, I figured going home was pointless. Spending the holidays alone wasn't that bad. Kyle and Ashton were both back for New Year's anyways, so it wasn't too bad. Though, through all that time, I was doing drugs almost every day. Since there was nobody in the house I almost never stopped.
New Year's was a blast though. We had spent it at multiple different parties, I couldn't even tell you about that night, I was so drunk hours before midnight. I had done a couple lines at some points in the night when my friends weren't around. It was now 2016, and I was so hopeful that this would be a good year for me. Little did I know, it would be horrible.
Soon after, everything came crashing down. It was a few weeks later, Ashton and Michael were hanging out at our house. I wasn't with them. I was getting work done in my room. Though I did get some work done, I grabbed one of my little plastic bags filled with the white powder and locked myself in the bathroom.
Or I thought I did. But I was wrong, because Michael walked in as I was sat just giving myself a few seconds after finishing up. Everything went downhill from there.
//
Though I was finished, I sat on the floor, giving myself a few moments prior to leaving the bathroom. Before I know it, I hear the door click open and I knew I made a rookie mistake. I forgot to lock the door.
"Kelsey? What are you doing?" Michael asks, genuinely confused.
Quickly I sniffle and wipe under my nose, hoping there's nothing left. Grabbing all of my stuff, I tightly close my hands, so he can't see what I was just doing.
"Kels?" Michael calls, and I turn, looking up at him standing in the bathroom doorway.
"Uh- n-nothing. I-"
"What's in your hands?" He pressed on, not taking no for an answer.
I stand up straight, not looking him in the eyes, but at the ground and avoiding all eye contact. I try to push past him, but he crosses his arms across his chest and blocking me in.
"Open your fists." He demands, stepping closer to me.
"Leave me alone! Let me through!" I scream, knowing it'll get Ashton's attention and Ashton would get Michael to leave me alone.
"I'm sorry, I have to do this." He mutters, before grabbing one of my wrists and taking a few seconds as he pries my fist open.
"Michael! What are you doing to her!" Ashton exclaims, standing in the doorway, not sure exactly what to do.
"Stop!" I shriek, as Michael grabs the small bag from my one hand, right as Ashton pulls him off me.
Ashton yells as he holds Michael up against the wall, ready to beat him for what he had done, "Dude, what the f-"
"Ashton, look!" Michael exclaims, holding up the tiny bag filled with the white powder, trying to defend his actions.
"Wh- what?" Ashton softly mutters, grabbing the drugs from Michael's hand.
I quickly sneak past Ashton and Michael, running to my room and locking myself in. Curling up in bed, I begin to cry.
"Kelsey, open the door, I just want to talk. Please." Ashton begs as he knocks at my door.
Ignoring him seemed to be my only option at this point. Embarrassment and shame were all I felt. Facing them made me want to curl up and die. It also just made me want to do it even more. I had a new baggy in my nightstand, so I did more right before Ashton came back to try and get in.
Of course, because Ashton cares way too much, he went to find something to unlock my door, and let himself in.
Slowly he enters my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, "We need to talk about this. When did you start using this stuff?"
I don't reply. Hiding my face and wiping my tears was all I could do. I was already sitting up, but I didn't want to face him.
"Kelsey, please. I- I just want to know what's going on. I care about you. Please, I'm begging." He pleads, his voice cracking as he tries his best not to cry.
That's when I know I have to say something, "I'm fine, Ashton. Don't worry about me."
"It's obviously not fine. The Kelsey I met in the beginning of our first year would never do this." He says, moving onto my bed and crossing his legs.
I scoff, "People change. What do you want me to say?"
"Admit you have a problem, Kelsey. I want to help you." He reaches out, pulling me onto his lap.
"I don't have a problem." I mutter, hiding my face in the crook of his neck. "People do it for fun sometimes, Ashton."
He sighs, "You've been going behind our backs and using coke for who knows how long..."
"I- I'm okay." I stumble, sitting up straight and finally looking at him.
"Come on- Kels, your lips are blue."
"I- I feel really- Uh- dizzy. This doesn't feel right." I mumble, trying to catch my breath.
"Kelsey, hey, are you okay?" Ashton asks, but I don't reply. I just rest my head on his shoulder.
I could tell Ashton was starting to panic. He holds me and grabs my face, looking right at me.
"Kels, let me see, you're burning up." He stresses, before screaming at Michael to come here.
"Ash, I- I'm fine. What... what's wrong?" I choke out, trying to figure out what's going on, unable to catch my breath.
"Yeah, what's up?" Michael asks, showing up in my bedroom doorway.
"She's overdosing, call an ambulance." Ashton tells Michael, before he stands up, picking me up.
"No!" I try to yell, but it doesn't come out too loud.
"Kels, I want to make sure you're safe. I'm not letting you overdose. Okay?" Ashton reassured me, sitting me up on the couch.
He quickly runs into the kitchen and I hear running water, before he comes back to me.
I feel something cool on my forehead, and it's Ashton pressing a cold cloth on my forehead, "We need to keep you cool, okay? I'm right here, stay with me until the ambulance gets here. Let me know you're okay, Kelsey."
"I'm fine." I whimper, reaching out to hold his free hand.
"They're around the corner." Michael informs us, standing over us both.
"Just stay with me, Kels, you'll be okay."
//
Ashton caught it early enough. If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have been okay. He stayed with me as much as he could, supporting me through the entire night. I couldn't thank him enough for all he did. Waking up to him by my side made me feel better, despite everything.
//
The sound of a chair scraping against the floor is all I hear, somebody clearly pulling it up next to my bed. I finally open my eyes, to see Ashton frowning down at me. He looked so drained, he seemed hurt. It broke my heart that I had done this to him.
"Hey, do you need anything?" He asks, leaning forward.
Reaching out I grab the water left for me. I just shake it to show him that's all I needed.
He nods, sitting back in his chair. Ashton wouldn't take his eyes off me; he kept watching me in silence, as if something was going to happen to me if he looked away.
"It was laced, right?" I ask for confirmation, though I was a thousand percent sure.
"Yeah. Fentanyl." He quietly replies, as if it weren't real, as if he couldn't believe it. "You're so lucky that drug that reverses opioids exists. It's unbelievable you made it out of that perfectly fine."
We sat in silence together for a while. I don't think either of us knew what to say. This wasn't a situation a lot of people had to go through, so when it happens it's a bit weird.
"Well, it's one in the morning, now."
"Is it?" I question, not realizing why he was making this comment. I'm way too nervous to say anything. I have absolutely no idea what to say.
"Yeah. Meaning it's January 18th. Happy 20th birthday." He says, though he doesn't sound too excited. I mean, I understand why.
"I didn't even realize." I mumble.
He just nods, not knowing what to say.
This was not how I was planning to spend my birthday, at all. Obviously, I never planned for this to happen at all, but for it to happen on my birthday fucking sucks.
"I- I'm so sorry, Ashton." I speak up, getting extremely nervous.
"I'm not going to say it's okay, because it's not. But I love you, okay? I'm here for you. I'm just sorry that I didn't notice sooner." Ashton tells me, reaching out and holding my hand.
I force a sad, weak smile, gently squeezing Ashton's hand, "I hope I didn't scare you or Michael too bad. I know this is awful."
"I'm okay. Michael's fine, I think. He really cares about you, by the way." He says.
"What about Kyle and Nina? Fuck." I groan, letting go of Ashton, and curling up in the bed.
"They know you're in the hospital. I didn't tell them why, it's not my place." He replies, frowning.
I nod, "I'll tell them. I can do it. Right?"
Ashton weakly smiles at me, "Kels, of course you can. You're so strong, you've been through so much shit this past year, telling our best friends about this won't hurt you."
"It's so embarrassing. Ashton, I'm a twenty-year-old cocaine addict pretending I'm not still married to my 'high school sweetheart' because he refuses to sign our divorce papers. My life is a fucking disaster." I tell him, my eyes pooling with tears hearing it all out loud. It was hard to believe it was real. That this is my life.
"Stop that! First of all, you don't have to tell them all of that. Second, you're so much more than that. Those things don't define you."
"You're too supportive of me. Just tell me I'm fucked up and that I'm a mess." I sniffle, wiping my eyes.
"Kelsey, you're my best friend, and I love you. I will never not support you. I won't leave this hospital until you're discharged, and I intend on helping you through your rehab, because you're going to stop this, right?"
Quickly I nod, wanting him to know I never want to experience this again.
"I've already read through some options for you, because I didn't want you to miss out on school because of this. There're ways around it so you don't have to put a pause on school or drop out. I really believe you could do this." Ashton says, somewhat excited to help me out with all this.
"Thank you, Ashton. I really have no idea what I'd do without you. I love you." I weakly smile, for what feels like the first time in so long.
"There she is. That's my Kelsey." He grins.
//
Once I was out, Ashton helped me with the start of rehab. It was scary, and I wasn't sure if I could do it. All I wanted was to get high again and go back to how I was living. I was doing fine until I bought drugs from somebody I didn't know.
I was doing an outpatient rehab program. I couldn't do inpatient, and I also could barely afford rehab at all. I felt as though this was what was best for me, so I could live life as normal as possible. I still had school, and work. I was in no place to stop either of those. I had an amazing support group at home, and I felt as though my near-death experience was enough to motivate me into never doing it again. I still had to go to my group meetings, and I had therapy occasionally. Talking it over with those who knew what would work for me made me feel like this would work.
The beginning was really tough. The withdrawals were pretty bad. I had never had such bad anxiety before in my life. Exhaustion was all felt for so long, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so irritable, I know everybody who lived with me, and Michael, were definitely annoyed by it. They never said anything about it though, I couldn't be luckier with the support system I had.
School was my main focus, I focused my energy into that and trying to keep up. It was hard when those withdrawals hit. Going to class was difficult, my grades started to slip quickly, but I never failed anything. I mean, I wasn't doing well on anything, but to me it was better than failing. I wasn't working much, but I needed to keep this job so that I could support myself.
My time a rehab had been going fairly well after a while, all I seemed to have time for was school, trying to get better and a couple of shifts a work. But I finally got to go out with Ashton. I was actually able to go out somewhere and have a real conversation with him.
Even though I'm still living at home, I don't see them all often. I'm either at school working, sleeping, or going into the clinic. Yeah, Ashton and I would talk, but not about anything too serious. Especially with me being irritable. Nina and Kyle always did their best as well, but I was just always closer with Ashton. I finally got to go out and actually do something with Ashton after a little while, when my withdrawal symptoms were a bit better.
//
"Kelsey! We haven't talked about how you're doing in so long. Come here!" Ashton smiles, pulling me into a hug when he comes to meet up with me at Starbucks.
"Hey, Ashton." I giggle, hugging him back.
"I know we text, and we do see each other at home and whatnot but I'm so happy we're spending time together." Ashton tells me after pulling away from our hug.
"I've been doing a little better, I'm glad to be out and with you." I reply.
"So, how are you? What's been going on?" He asks, sitting down across from me.
"Things are still hard, considering it's been two months. The first couple weeks were hard, withdrawals started they were bad at first. It still happens, obviously. My anxiety is always there. I've learned how to handle all of it alone now, so don't worry about it."
"Fuck, I'm sorry." Ashton replies, reaching across the table to hold my hands.
"Hey, it's okay. I got myself into this, I'm fine." I lightly chuckle, it's adorable how much he cares.
"I still feel bad. I don't want you going through this." Ashton tells me, gently squeezing my hands.
"You know what? Is anybody at home? I'd love to just sit on the couch and watch a movie." I question, letting go of Ashton's hands, and leaning back in my seat.
"Kyle is with his family for the weekend and Nina is on a girls trip. So, the house is free." Ashton says, waiting for me to stand up before following.
I hated the fact that I couldn't even keep track of what my own friends were up to, but I felt so distracted with everything else. I felt like a bad friend, even though they all knew what I was going through. They all understood and none of them ever gave me a hard time, I still felt awful.
When we're back home, Ashton pulls out a bunch of junk food and we put on a movie. Before he hit play, he just looked over at me.
"What's up?" I ask.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Ashton asks again, reaching out to me.
"Ash, honey, I love you and all, but if you don't stop asking me if I'm okay we're gonna have a problem, okay?" I snap, pulling away from him.
"Okay, sorry." He replies, raising his hands in surrender.
"I just- I really do love that you're here for me but please don't be overbearing. I really am getting better." I defend myself, curling up on the couch.
Ashton tries to hide his frown, just nodding as a response.
"Okay, and- fuck, don't be upset. I've been so irritable, and I've had the worst mood swings, I'm sorry, withdrawals are so much harder than I thought." I tell him, frowning as I avoid eye contact.
Ashton sighs, "Kels... I get it. That's why I'm asking. Talking about it will help you."
"I know that. But talking about it with you is just-" I pause, sniffling before continuing, "I knew if I talked about it with you, I'd end up telling you about when I relapsed and I'm going to cry!"
"Come here." He mumbles, pulling me into him.
"A week after, I fucking did two lines. You'd think after a near-death experience it'd be done. But no. My fucking brain made me think I needed that shit back in my body. I'm so stupid and it's embarrassing."
"It's okay, Kelsey. Relapsing is normal, it happens. It's hard to quit something on the first try. But you're stronger than your addiction. You have all of us supporting you." He replies, his voice soft before pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
"Please don't hate me. You were so proud of how well I was doing but it's all a lie! I'm a fraud!" I wail, tears stream down my cheeks, curling up in his lap.
My tears fall onto him as I ball his shirt into my hands. My sobs the only thing being heard as he tucks his head in the crook of my neck. He keeps his arms tightly around me, gently rocking us back and forth.
"I'm still so proud of you. I always will be." He whispers, still holding me.
Slowly, my crying stops, but I still cling onto Ashton as if he's the only thing keeping me alive. Though, in some sense it's true.
//
Slowly I got back into things. My friends all tried their best to stop acting like I was so fragile that a gust of wind could break me. I started to hang out with Michael and Ashton a lot again. And Nina and I got to have our girls nights again.
There were days where I thought I was okay, and then there were days where I felt like I was going to relapse again. It was a constant roller coaster.
Michael and Ashton were great at helping me through everything. They were always there for me, no matter what.
But then there was a day when Michael and I were together at his new place. Everything was normal; we were having a good time. I was helping him finish up the place with decorations and things like that. Then he got all nervous and serious.
//
"Okay, I have to go now." I chuckle, about to stand up to leave.
"Kelsey, I just- I really need to tell you something." Michael tells me, moving closer.
"Yeah? What's up?" I ask, my head cocking to the side.
"I just really like you, a-and if it's okay, I'd like to go out with you sometime." He stammers through his sentence.
I knew one day this would come. There's been enough flirting between the two of us. Though I did tone it down to basically nothing after ending up in the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship during this.
"Michael... I- I-"
"You don't feel the same. Fuck, I knew it. I get it."
"No! No, Michael, it isn't like that." I quickly add, not wanting him to think that.
"Oh?" He questions, raising his eyebrows.
"But-"
"Oh." He mutters, refusing to look me in the eyes now.
"It's just... I'm still in recovery, Michael. Dating is just too much for me right now. But, I do really like you too. I just can't right now. I- I'm so sorry."
He nods, still not looking up at me, "I get it. It's okay, Kels."
"When I get better, when I finally feel okay again, you'll be the first person I call. I need to focus on myself right now."
"Just forget I said anything."
"I'm sorry." I mumble, pressing a kiss to his cheek before standing up.
He nods again, a weak smile across his lips as I walk off.
//
I knew I had hurt him the second I opened my mouth. My only hope was that this wouldn't change our friendship for the time being. I just want to make sure I'm okay, before anything else. Part of me felt selfish, but I knew it wasn't. I needed to be okay for myself. I couldn't do anything I wasn't ready for because I'm the most important person in my life.
It took us a few days to get back to normal. Things were a bit awkward for a while. I never told Ashton what happened, and I don't think Michael did either. Ashton could definitely tell something was up though.
Continuing school was going well. My grades did slip, but the fact I didn't flunk out was amazing. It was unbelievable, truly.
Once the year was finished, Nina and Kyle both went home for the summer. Ashton stayed in LA and so did I. Michael ended up staying with us for most of the summer.
I had to go through mine and Luke's anniversary again. But this year he didn't message me. Ashton wouldn't let me leave his sight that day. I felt like I couldn't breathe without Ashton freaking out and asking if I was okay. I just wanted him to stop treating me like I was so fragile, though I appreciate all he was doing for me.
Kiana and I talked a couple times about her coming to visit but it never happened. We were slowly drifting apart, and it was hard for me to deal with. We still would text a bit, but that's it. We were definitely still friends, it was just hard to be apart. We both had other friends we were closer with.That's why I was so glad to have Michael and Ashton around.
By the end of the summer, right around when Nina and Kyle were slowly moving back, things were starting to get better.
We all went on as usual, trying to forget that all of this happened, as we moved into our third year at UCLA.
_______________________
I know this is ~messy~ and ~super dramatic~ but that's what y'all should want in a fic don't judge me just keep reading ok legends thanks
ALSO yes this was super long. I know. I hope that's ok. these extra long chapters are almost over tho.