The summer before my second year of university was a summer sent from hell. At first it was nice, when we all moved in together. But as the weeks went on, it was awful.
My two weeks turned into five, causing Luke and I to fight. A lot. One night nobody was home to witness the screaming match Luke and I had over the phone. It was brutal, we both said things we shouldn't have, and it resulted in my sobbing and spending a full day in bed.
//
"I thought you were coming home?"
"I'm sorry, Luke. I will be coming home... I just need a few more weeks here. I love you." I tell him, a frown forming on my lips.
"Do you?" He harshly asks, clearly unhappy with this information he was just given.
"Excuse me?" I question, sitting down on my mattress.
"Lately it doesn't seem like you love me, just wasn't sure if you mean it."
"What the fuck, Luke? Obviously, I love you! I'm in love with you. What's going on with you?" I ask, raising my voice at him.
"I miss you, Kelsey! I just want to be able to see you! I feel like you don't care, it's like you've forgotten about me!" Luke screams.
"I miss you too, you're the love of my life! I just have other shit going on and I'd thought you'd respect that!" I yell back, laying back on my mattress set on the floor.
He groans, "I do, babe! I just don't understand why you aren't up front, and why you're staying away even longer!"
"Then what's the fucking problem if you respect it! I have stuff to do, I can't drop everything here because you miss me!"
He sighs, "God, it feels like you forget we're married."
"Fuck you, Luke."
"Why are you being such a bitch?"
I scoff, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're insane; thank god I have a few more weeks away. Figure your shit out."
"Me? I have my shit figured out. You're the one that doesn't know what they want. Don't start this shit with me."
"I know what I want! That's why I'm here for a few more weeks! I know what I need to do. But you're not okay with that for some reason. I literally have no idea what's going on right now." I tell hm.
"Whatever, Kelsey. I get things change when people go to college. People change. But I didn't think it'd change you like it has."
"I haven't!" I insist, raising my voice at him once again.
"I'll talk to you later." Luke replies, before almost immediately hanging up the phone.
//
Part of me didn't understand why he was acting like this, but I also understood that he missed me and wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too; I just had other plans as well. I couldn't have my entire world revolve around him at this point in my life. It wasn't realistic.
Things started to get better for me after a couple of days, though Luke and I weren't talking. That is, until I got a text from Kiana that would change everything.
Kiana and I stayed in pretty good contact, so her texting me wasn't out of the ordinary. I figured it'd just be a text about her missing me, or how she couldn't wait until I went back to Seattle.
But it wasn't. The second I saw how long it was I knew something was up. She told me I needed to sit. Panic started to set in when she said it'd be best if we spoke over the phone because she didn't know how to type it out.
So, I called her right away. I sat on my bed and just braced myself for what she was going to say. Our conversation started out as small talk, but it just made me more anxious. When I asked her what was wrong, she paused, letting out a deep breath. The moment she spoke that sentence, it felt like the entire world came crashing down around me.
//
"Luke cheated on you." Kiana blurts through the phone, making my whole world stop.
I can't even speak. I don't know what to say. It takes me a couple moments before I can even speak up.
"You're joking, right?" I ask, a nervous chuckle escaping my lips.
"Kels... I'm so sorry." She slowly replies, clearly feeling sorry for me.
"Oh my god, no, he didn't. Luke couldn't." I tell her, trying to hold myself together.
"I- I can tell you what happened, if you want to know." She stammers, not sure how she should deal with this situation.
I take a deep breath, trying to brace myself, "Yeah. Please."
There was no way I'd ever be ready to hear what she's about to tell me. But I need to hear it. I have to know.
"I picked him and Cal up from a house party. Normally they're both fine. Luke is always basically sober, and normally when he's drunk, he just talks about how much he loves you. It's been a while since I've gone to pick them up, but last night... Calum told me about this girl Luke was with. A girl Calum has seen around before. He saw the two of them go upstairs, and how he eventually ended up walking in on them. It was a bit out of town, so it was a longer drive. Luke fell asleep in the backseat, that's when Cal told me. After I dropped Cal off, Luke woke up and came to sit up front with me. He admitted all of it."
"Kiana... I-"
She sniffles, probably upset over this as well, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away last night I just- I was in shock and didn't know how to do this and-"
I don't reply, I just interrupt her when I start sobbing. I've never been more heartbroken in my life. Luke is my husband. He made a commitment to me, but he broke that. Luke's been cheating on me.
"Kelsey, I am so sorry. I'm booking a flight to LA right now to come see you. Okay? I'll be there for you." Kiana adds, as I hear her shuffling around through the phone.
"You don't have to-"
"I want to. You're still my best friend, Kels. I love you and I need to be there for you. It'll be a few hours, okay? My flight leaves in about an hour." She tells me.
"Okay, I'll see you soon."
//
The only thing I was happy about in that moment was that both Nina and Kyle had went home for the summer, and Ashton was out all day, partying with friends and staying at their place for the night. None of them were here to see the mess I so quickly became.
While I waited for Kiana to show up, I spent the entire time drinking. I needed to numb this somehow. Five hours later, Kiana was in my apartment, holding onto me as I broke down in her arms. She told me the whole story again, after I had asked.
Hearing all of it was the lowest point of my life. I felt like nothing. I didn't know what I had done to make him do this. I knew he was upset, but I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this. I was also just so embarrassed. We had so many people telling us not to get married, but we still did. Yet we didn't even last a year. We never celebrated an anniversary together.
That night, sleeping wasn't something that came easy to me. All I did was toss and turn as Kiana slept next to me. The tears never stopped. Staring at the ceiling and replaying the story over and over in my head was all I could do.
It turned into an entire breakdown again. My sobs woke Kiana up. I never thought anybody could hurt me this way, let alone Luke hurting me this way. We had made a promise to each other when we got married. He just threw it all away.
Once Kiana fell back asleep, I pulled my phone out. I had to wait until she couldn't tell me to not do this. Part of me knew I shouldn't, but at this point I didn't care, and I never wanted to see Luke again.
So, I sent him a text telling him I wouldn't be coming home this summer. Then I put it away and tried to get some sleep.
I didn't tell Kiana what I sent him. But she knew something was up when the next morning I woke up to ten missed calls and twenty-seven texts from Luke. Only halfway through all this did Luke realize why I wouldn't be coming home. He found out Kiana was with me, so he knew she had said something.
Kiana finally asked what I did, and I told her. She was disappointed when I told her, but she also understood. Then she told me I should at least call him, though I didn't want to. At that point I never wanted to speak to him again. That phone call was the worst phone call I've ever had to make.
//
"How could you do this to me?" I ask, my throat tightening as I try my hardest not to cry.
"Kelsey, baby, I love you, please, listen to me. I-"
"Fuck you, Luke!" I yell, the tears welling up into my eyes.
"I am so, so, sorry. I don't know what to say, babe-"
"Don't call me that!" I scream, choking on a sob.
"Please, Kelsey, please, just come home." He begs, his voice cracking.
I scoff, "I am not coming home."
"Kels..."
"How could you do this?" I wail, not knowing what else to say. He couldn't give me any answers, and it was making all of this worse.
"I didn't mean to! What Calum saw, had never happened before. I didn't want it to go this far-"
"So, you were hooking up with this girl before? You think it's okay because you didn't fuck her before? I can't fucking believe you. I can't believe I ever fell for you." I exclaim, trying my best to stop crying.
"I love you! You haven't been home, you don't talk to me, and I just- it happened! I don't know, I just-"
"I fucking hate you!" I scream, unable to control myself at this point.
"Don't say that." He chokes out.
"I hate you." I repeat.
"You're my whole world, Kelsey. I don't want to lose you."
I bitterly chuckle as tears continue to pour down my cheeks, "You already have."
//
We were both sobbing, both completely heartbroken. This was never meant to happen. Obviously, this was never planned for us, it isn't what we wanted for our future.
Kiana left the next day, she couldn't stay long, work got in the way. She was so worried about leaving me. I let her know I'd be fine, and that Ashton should be back later that night. Somebody would be here with me, so things were fine. She didn't know that my friends had no idea I was married, and barely knew who Luke was.
One of the worst parts of all this was that during the move I haven't found a place I wanted to hide my rings. The rings just sat on my nightstand all the time. As I was in bed, just staring at them, I couldn't take it. I just drank straight out a bottle of vodka and I stared, thinking about how awful this is.
Shortly after that Ashton came home. He asked how I had been since I last saw him, and I just broke down. That's when he noticed the diamond rings on my nightstand. He picked it up, reading the 'Luke & Kels' engravement on the inside. That's when he made me explain everything.
So, I told him everything. I explained when Luke and I met, I told him that we were in fact married, and that we had been since the second we were both eighteen. We just talked about my relationship with my husband and everything leading up to here.
Ashton was lost, he was sort of upset that we were best friends and I never told him I was married. He told me he knew there was something with Luke, but he had no idea I was married. We didn't go into how Ashton was a bit upset, we continued talking about Luke.
Crying myself to sleep happened again, though instead of Kiana holding me, it was Ashton. As I was falling asleep he told me he was going to stay in LA with me this summer. I wasn't sure if I heard correctly since I was half asleep, but I did.
We spent our entire summer really getting to know the city that was becoming our new home. Not all of our time was spent together, he wound hang out with a couple of his friends that were still here over the summer, I'd spend time hanging out with some people I met from the dorms and making more friendships. Though I did spend a lot of time to myself. I wanted to get used to it and be more independent.
I also spent most of that time drunk, it was my way to cope. Though I was drunk so often, I was still able to do normal daily activities, and my friends didn't always clue into the fact I had alcohol in my system. I had become pretty good at hiding it. I had become a functioning alcoholic, though at the time I didn't realize. I thought everything was fine, and that many other people would get drunk to drown out their sorrows. But most people don't secretly take whiskey shots at eight in the morning before starting their day.
Halfway through the summer, Ashton helped me find a lawyer. I had made up my mind that I was going to file for a divorce. What Luke had done hurt, and after time passed I still didn't want to see him. I wanted to move on from this and continue my life out here in LA without this hanging over me.
As soon as I could, I had the papers sent out to Luke. I hadn't spoken to him since I called him and we both sobbed and yelled at each other about what he had done. Luke had tried texting me a few times, but I never gave into it.
To say Luke was shocked when receiving the documents would be an understatement. He called me a lot. His texts were me begging me not to. Then he told me he wasn't going to sign. I never replied to any of it.
He didn't sign them. He sent them back without his signature. I knew this would be difficult, but I never thought Luke would purposefully make it so extremely hard.
I gave him some time to cool off. Thinking about divorce at nineteen wasn't something I wanted. So, I tried to forget about it for a while too.
After not getting the divorce, the alcohol turned into drugs. It wasn't hard to hide it, because I wasn't smoking anything, I knew they'd smell the smoke, so I passed on weed. I mean, I'd do it sometimes with them, but it wasn't my go-to. I had done it enough during first year anyways. It was a low point for me when I turned to cocaine.
Getting through the day that Luke and I should've been celebrating our anniversary was hard. I just wished nothing went wrong and that I was home with Luke, but at the same time I remembered what he did, and I was glad I wasn't there. But it still hurt. I spent my morning locked in the bathroom doing lines, before spending the rest of the day in bed.
//
Today was a hard day for me. I should be celebrating one year of marriage with Luke today. But instead I'm still in LA, high, yet crying over how messy things with him are.
There's a knock on the door, and I sigh, turning away as I hear it open.
"Kelsey, how are you?" Ashton asks, slowly entering my room.
"I'm fine. I'd like to be alone." I mumble, curling up in my bed.
"I know, but I also don't want to leave you alone." He replies, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
"Ashton, I'm really not in the mood for this today." I tell him, still refusing to see him.
"I get that. But you're my best friend and I want you to be happy." He tells me, reaching out and resting his hand on my leg.
"I should hate him, Ashton. I should hate him, but I still love him. I want to be with him so bad right now. But that makes me feel like a fucking idiot. Do you know how pathetic this makes me?" I choke out, finally turning to face him.
"Hey, it's okay. You're allowed to feel this way."
As I'm holding in my tears, not wanting to think about how it would've been Luke and I's first anniversary together, my phone starts going off. I look down to see multiple texts from Luke coming in.
'Hey, Kels'
'I know you filed for divorce, I don't know if you were serious or not because you won't talk to me'
'But happy anniversary, babe. I love you'
'I know you think I don't'
'but I love you'
"Fuck." I mutter, tears slowly falling down my cheeks.
"What? Kelsey, what's wrong?" Ashton asks when he looks up at me.
I just hand him the phone, letting him read the texts Luke sent me. Watching him react, I knew he wouldn't know what to say to me.
"Shit, Kels."
"I'm not replying." I tell him, deleting the messages.
"Good. I'm proud of you for being so strong." Ashton smiles, handing my phone back.
I weakly force smile, "Thank you for supporting me through everything."
//
Ashton was always checking in to make sure I was okay. He was always so worried, and I hated the fact that he was always so worried. He had a right to be, especially with the stuff that was going on that he still didn't know about.
Summer was coming close to ending, and eventually Nina and Kyle came back. I asked Ashton to not tell them about my personal life, he was offended I thought he would. I told him that eventually I might tell them, but all of this was too much right now.
So, I continued lying to my friends, and becoming way too dependent on drugs.
Going into my second year, I thought things would go well, and maybe get a bit better. I was so wrong.
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i hope this is ok. i hope y'all continue to read. i know there's a lot of shit in this chapter w the cheating/alcohol/drugs. it's not always gonna be this heavy. except next chapter. is this a warning? maybe. i'm not even sure.