My first week at Kepler Publishing House is going really well. We've been invited to sit in on brainstorming sessions with some of the editors, and even shadowed a few of the seasoned writers. I've already learnt so much about the publishing business, and I've only scratched the surface.
Arielle and I are allocated a piece to work on together. The interns are broken up into two groups of two, however as the sixth intern has not yet joined, James will work alone on this one. Mary and Harry pair up together. Whispering to each other as they snicker, passing dismissive looks at the rest of us.
We need to write about a current issue teens struggle with. My mind immediately leaps to self-harm, but I'm too afraid to voice this possibility as a theme with Arielle. I don't want her to think that I'm some kind of freak or anything. I had enough of that at school, thank you.
"So. Any ideas?", asks Arielle as soon as we get back to our desks after being briefed on our project.
"Well... there are the obvious ones that jump to mind", I answer, pulling a thinking face while trying not to give my secret away.
"Yeah, I was thinking that too", agrees Arielle, "There's bullying, anorexia, teen pressure, suicide... the issues are endless." Arielle counts the items off on her fingers, already holding both hands in the air showing ten items as she lists them.
I make a mental note of the issues as she rattles them off. I notice that self-harm isn't on her list. Am I the only one struggling with this? Maybe using this as a subject will give us the edge the other teams won't have? Should I mention it to her? Should I open myself up to possibly being found out? Why do I carry so much shame? Many people cut themselves... don't they?
"Uhm... there are a few not so common ones that you haven't mentioned", I offer, not sure if I'm making a mistake by opening myself up to get hurt or exposed, "I wonder if the others would even consider... self-harm as an issue. To be honest, I don't think they've ever even been exposed to it." I can see questions in Arielle's eyes and I add the last bit to hopefully try and hide my secret.
"You're a genius, Mia!", she squeals, grabbing my hands and giving them a squeeze, "None of the others would even think of that. I heard Mary and Harry discussing the more general ones, and James saying that he has no idea what issue to focus on, joking that he's more concerned about wave sizes at the various beaches." Arielle giggles at her own silliness and I can't help but join in.
Arielle and I pop off to the canteen for lunch. We both settle for chicken and mayo sandwiches on rye bread, and I grab a Pepsi while she grabs a bottle of still water. I really enjoy just chatting with her. Her perspective on life is so light and carefree. I envy how 'simple' life seems through her eyes. I wonder if she's always been like this? Has she ever gone through a 'dark' time in life?
"So, Mia, tell me something about you that I wouldn't be able to guess just by looking at you?"
"Uhm... I live on an estate and love horses", I answer.
"Too general", she says shaking her head and finger at me, "I need more..."
I look down at my hands. "My mom died when I was really young... and I was with her when it happened... my dad was driving... not his fault. I have no brothers or sisters... well my mom was pregnant, but... nevermind, long story...", my answer shocks me almost as much as it does her. Looking up I see that her face is frozen, and I can't gauge what is going through her mind. Why did I have to go and say that?
"Oh, Mia! I'm so sorry! I would never have guessed. You seem so 'put together', like you've got life all worked out. Saying I'm sorry seems so insignificant, but I am deeply sorry that you had to go through that. I know that you don't really know me, but I'm here for you if you ever need to talk... or even just a shoulder to lean on. I can't even begin to comprehend what you went through, but I can only imagine how empty my life would be without my mom." Arielle has her hand on mine as she offers support. This act of friendship is so small and subtle, but it means more than I thought it would. I actually have a friend. I never thought I'd see the day.
"Thank you, Arielle. Your words mean so much. But what means more is your offer of support. I don't really have many friends. I'm a bit of a loner... always have been." I can't help but be honest with Arielle. Something about her tells me that I can let my guard down and trust her. Her friendship is real, not a trick to make me open up so that she can hurt me. I need to remind myself that she is nothing like the girls I knew from school.
Arielle gets up and flings her arms around my neck. Her innocent act of love catches me by surprise. It feels so good and I return the hug. We must look so silly to everyone else in the canteen, but I honestly don't care.
Arielle hears me sniff and pulls back, looking me straight in the eyes. "You are so special, Mia. Please know that I value you as my friend and I think that you're wonderful." Her smile is genuine and I believe her.
"Thank you for your kind words, Arielle. I really value that. Having a friend is all new to me, so you'll have to guide me if I start messing it up." I smile, trying to make light of the situation. Pain is all I've known for so many years. I long to feel anything other than that. I long to feel... period.
"Cool!", Arielle agrees, gives me a kiss on my cheek and then jumps back to her seat to finish off her half eaten sandwich. "What angle is our story going to take?"
"Uhm... what about if we interview a teen struggling with self-harm? Get her perspective on the why, where, who and what?" My mind has already moved on from the tender moment Arielle and I just shared. I'm now in business mode and the creative juices are flowing.
"That's a great idea, but where would we find someone? I don't know anyone in that situation. Do you?" Arielle innocently looks at me and I can't help but feel guilty for hiding the truth from her.
"Well... I know of someone that I went to school with. I could try and contact her, possibly see if she'll agree to being interviewed. I'm not too sure if she'll want us both to interview her though... It's such a sensitive issue and a lot of shame is associated with it." I'm lying to my new friend and it's killing me, but I have to protect myself. I can't let her in. Not just yet.
"I completely understand. I'm sure that she doesn't want everyone to know. We could work on our list of questions together, you could interview her and then we could both work on the story after the interview. I trust you, and I just know you'll do a great job interviewing her."
**********
That evening as Christian and I go for a walk on the estate, I build up enough courage to tell him about my scars. "Christian, I've been wanting to talk to you about uhm... my cutting... the cutting", I say as we're sitting on our plaid blanket, watching the sun go down. He turns his head from the breathtaking view and looks at me. I have his full attention and almost chicken out. "You know that I've told you that I cut myself... use to cut myself, to help me cope with life. You've seen the scars on my arms..."
"Yes, I've noticed them, and you've mentioned why, but I didn't want to pry. I know that you'd talk to me about it some more when you're ready." I see the emotion in his eyes... no judgement... no disgust. A warm feeling starts growing in my belly, moves up to my chest and spreads out down my arms. I can even feel a slight flush in my face. Is this what unconditional love feels like? A love that expects nothing in return?
"My doctors don't understand... I don't even fully understand why I do it. I just know that I'm numb inside and cutting myself is a way for me to feel... a way for me to let out all the hurt that eats me up inside." Christian hasn't taken his eyes off of me. He holds my hand as we talk. I love being so close to him. I don't want him to let go. I know that I need to let him in my heart... I need to trust him.
"Has something happened that triggered this?", he asks gently.
"The cutting or our conversation?", I ask.
"Well... both really...", he replies, so softly, afraid not to frighten me away any further, a deer already caught in the headlights.
"Uhm... other than my mom's death, there's something else in my past... well, I'll tell you about it someday... but, we've been asked to write about a teen issue as our first assignment, and I suggested to Arielle that we write about self-harm", I blurt out.
"Really?! Well that's wonderful, Mia. This is a major step for you... do you realize that by talking and writing about it, it might be extremely therapeutic for you. It also shows that you're starting to heal emotionally, starting to see it from outside of yourself, for what it is, a temporary harmful solution that you can now be free of, replaced by something permanent and beautiful, our love... And ofcourse it will be extremely helpful to someone else, struggling with the same issue, out there."
His wisdom and insight surprise me, and my heart just swells with pride... of him, of myself, of us.
"I'm here for you, Mia. I accept you as you are and I want to help you get through this. I want to show you what love feels like."
I don't know when last I've received such a beautiful gift. A gift that no one could ever put a price on. A gift I've wanted for so long and before I can stop it, some tears escape and roll down my cheeks. He kisses my face and wipes away my tears.
"I'm thinking that one of my poems could also form part of the assignment. I'll say it was written by the girl I'm planning to interview. I already know which poem I want to submit. One I wrote at my lowest moment... when I wanted it all to end", I say slowly, mulling over the words in my head.
"So... you haven't told Arielle that you are the 'girl'?", Christian asks tenderly.
"No", I reply, "I will, I'm just not ready yet to share so much with her... but I will."
"Okay... so let me hear the poem", Christian says with such eagerness in those deep blue eyes.
I clear my throat, looking up towards the night sky...
Your beauty, as the light hits you, calls me like the whisper of a forbidden lover.
Your touch, as you release my pain, frees me from my jail of circumstances.
I long to feel the sting of your bite as you gently glide across my wrist.
You are my shame. My addiction. My saviour.
It's not that I want you... it's that I need you.
Life without you is not an option.
Without you I constantly feel numb... empty inside.
You make me feel.
You are my secret and I keep you well hidden.
I hide you like a lover of shame.
You are the desire of my every thought.
My only fear is that one day I won't be able to stop... and I'll go too far.
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I wonder just how long Mia can hide her secret from Arielle. Do you think she's going to be caught out? Maybe she'll let it slip that it's her who's doing the self-harming?
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please remember to comment and vote xoxo