(Editor's note: This one is a long one!)
Monday afternoon, sitting in algebra, still no answer from Chan, and my stomach had been feeling sick all day. Someone came to the door and spoke to the teacher who called me over. "There's someone at the office here to see you," he said. I wondered who it was. Chan wouldn't come to my school, neither would my dad.
I headed to the office and saw Shel hanging around outside.
"Hey man, what are you doing here?" I asked.
"Thought I'd pop by and check up on you, see how you're doing," said Shel. I looked at him a little strangely. "Hope you don't mind me pulling you out of class, I was nearby and thought I'd see if we can chat."
The guidance counsellor had agreed to let Shel use her office, so we ducked in there and I sat down on the arm chair beside the door.
"So, how was the rest of your weekend?" he asked.
"I don't even know how to begin to answer that," I replied. Really, it was a pretty fucked up weekend, when you get down to it. Some dumb bitch fucked up my girlfriend's car, my girlfriend disappeared, my dad arrested the bitch who fucked with my girlfriend's car, and I somehow managed not to get caught for sleeping with her. But how do I try to explain that in a way that will make sense to Shel?
"Well, let's start with your dad, did you end up speaking to him finally?"
"Yeah ... something ... shitty happened, and he wanted to know if I was responsible. I wasn't, but I know who was. My dad is a cop, so he went over to her house and she ended up being arrested."
"Interesting, and how is your relationship now?"
"Strained? But that's normal for us, we're sort of just like two mean dogs who try to stay out of each other's way."
"I hope you don't mind, Carts filled me in a little on your ... situation, that your dad doesn't really watch out for you much, and your, uh, neighbour helps you out sometimes?" My eyes lit up when he mentioned her.
"Chantelle, yeah, she's awesome. She moved in during the summer, Mrs. Murphy used to live there, but she passed away and then I just kind of watched out for myself, but when Chan came, it was good, again. She cooks for me sometimes and shows me how to take photos, and ..." I trailed off, realising I was babbling and that I needed to put a lid on it. "It's really nice, she doesn't have to do it, I guess she's just a good person."
"And that's how you know Carts," it wasn't really a question.
"Yeah, I was shooting some hoops one night and he came to play horse with me. He's been really nice, too. We're going to work out together," I said. I was trying to figure out Shel's angle, why he came by the school to see me.
"Awesome, yeah, he's a great guy. If you don't mind me asking, where is your mother, Matt, is she in the picture at all?" I hate talking about my mother. Everyone who gave a shit already knew I didn't have a mother and so nobody talked about her.
"Ah, I don't really know where she's at," I replied truthfully. "She left when I was 5, I don't really remember much about her."
"No contact with her or any family members since?"
"Her parents are dead, and she didn't have any siblings, so there's not really anyone to contact. My dad's family all lives in Calgary, he moved out here to be with my mom, but she left him, so he just works a lot." I was worried he was going to ask me how I feel about that, since I'm pretty sure that's what shrinks do.
"Are you cool with your dad not being around?"
"We don't really get along, so it's easier if we interact less. Just kind of orbit the same planet, our house. But really, I'm happier at Chan's than I am at home."
"She doesn't mind that you hang out there a lot?"
"No, I think she's lonely, too, she has some friends, Carts and the football guys, but she doesn't seem to go out too much. She has a family in Quebec, but some bad stuff happened and she had to come here to get away from it."
"Okay, that's valid. How would you describe your relationship?"
Jesus H. Well. Now what the fuck do I do?
"It's positive?" I said, turning it into a question without meaning to. "We generally get along, she helps me out with stuff, I do things for her around the house, cut the grass, things like that."
"That's very kind of you," Shel said. "It's nice that you still want to be a good person and help others, even after all the bad things you've experienced. Shows a lot of character."
"Oh, ah, thanks," I said, feeling awkward. I wasn't really used to anyone praising me, other than coaches, when I scored a goal or something. "I just see someone that can use the help and I help, kinda like how Carts wants to help me," I added, attempting to change the subject. "he told me about how he had a tough time when he was growing up, and now he wants to help people, like how does all his charity work and helps Chantelle and me."
"How does Carts help Chantelle?" Shel asked.
"I know he helped her to move out here, she was trying to get away from a bad relationship and Carts helped her to get settled here in Van when she took her job."
"Yes, he's a good guy," Shel agreed. "I think it's good for you to spend some time with him, like a mentor kind of deal."
"Oh, for sure, I like him a lot," I said. Which was funny, because when I met him, I wanted to knock him out. Not that I could've, since he's a beast, but I thought he was trying to get Chan. But, now that I know nothing is going on with them, I decided it was alright if I liked him.
"Would it be cool with you if we set up a time to meet every week or two weeks?" Shel asked.
"I don't know if I will have time every week, but I could do every couple weeks. I keep pretty busy, I work, play hockey, I'm on the yearbook ... I'm trying to get a scholarship to the States for lacrosse or hockey, so I try to keep my grades up."
"What about a girlfriend?" Shel asked. "Are you seeing anyone?"
Fuck. What am I supposed to say to that. "I have girls that are friends," I responded. "I'm not really sure what I want right now."
"That's okay," he said. I honestly felt like I'd dodged a friggin bullet, like what if he finds out that I'm with Chan? I feel like that's probably not a good idea. But is it a good idea to be in a relationship with a girl who is fucking amazing that I can't even tell anyone about?
It was almost the end of November. That meant my birthday, the lacrosse banquet, and more importantly, going to take my drivers test. I'll be 17 on my birthday, which means in a year from now, I'll be 18, and nobody can bother Chan and I.
Shel and I set up an appointment for the following week. That sounded fine to me. I wished he'd come during algebra again, but no such luck. Class was long over and the final period of the day was English. As I headed back to class, I checked my phone. Nothing from Chan, but there was a text from Carts.
"Hey man, what are you up to after school?"
"Nothing, what's going on?"
"Do you want to go out for wings?"
Carts came to pick me up after the yearbook committee meeting, and we headed out to Boston Pizza.
"So, Shel came by my school today to see me," I said, once we had ordered. "We talked for a while."
"Sounds good, man, I'm glad you're going to talk to him, I know it sounds like it's bullshit, talking to a shrink and all that, but it's good to talk out your problems, and he's chill, he's not going to judge you or anything. It helps, for real. I talk to him, too," Carts said. It made me feel better to know that Carts believed in it, since he's been through so much shit, and all.
It was quiet for a minute. I was dying to ask Carts if he had heard from Chan. Or, maybe he knew who her boyfriend was. Or maybe he knew where she was? Or if she had left. That's the thing that was holding me back from asking – what if she was gone? Her house didn't seem like she was gone. Her toothbrush and her cameras were gone, but the rest of her things were there.
"Carts, can I ask you something?" I asked, after I finally worked up the courage.
"I think I know what you're going to ask," he responded after a minute. Shit.
"Have you heard from her?" I asked. He didn't say anything, and I searched his face for clues. He took a sip of his beer and the server came by with our food. I thanked her and went back to look at Carts. Even if she was gone, I needed to know.
"Yes," he finally said. Everything was all fucked up in my head and I didn't know whether to be jealous that she talked to him, or relieved or happy or sad.
"Is she okay?" I knew I sounded desperate, but I was. I just wanted to know that she was okay and that she was coming back. To me. Where she belongs.
"Yes, she's okay." I kept staring at him, waiting for him to say more.
"Where is she? I need to talk to her," I said. "I've been calling and her phone has been off. How can I get hold of her?"
"Are you okay? What's going on man?"
"I know who did it, fucked up her car, and my dad arrested the girl. And I know why she did it, too. But my dad said Chan has a boyfriend, and ..."
"A boyfriend? What does that have to do with anything?"
"I want to meet him, so I can apologise," I said, squirming in my chair. I felt so gross, lying to everyone all the time. I lie to broads and my dad, but not to my friends, and I feel like Carts deserves better, but I can't.
"Well, I don't know who he is," said Carts. He looked a little bit concerned.
"She told my dad she was seeing someone, and when he came home that night, some guy was helping her ..."
"That was me," Carts said. "I was there. I know what happened."
I wanted to sigh with relief, but I couldn't. I was terrified of what Carts would say.
Well, it's over now, because the girl who did it is in a lot of trouble. My dad might be a total flake about everything else, but not when it comes to his job."
"You're lucky he got there after we cleaned off the writing on the windows. I wiped off most of it before Chan could see the rest." He looked really serious.
"Thanks," was all I could manage. I knew he knew. I couldn't look at him. I just ate quietly, though I wasn't really that hungry anymore. I don't know why I felt so terrible. I love her, and I know she loves me.
"We have our lacrosse banquet next week," I said. "I'm up for rookie of the year, and I'm taking the photos for the yearbook. Except if I win, then my buddy Chris is going to take it for me."
"That's cool, you're pretty good at sports, eh? You ever play football?"
"We don't have a team at my school, but I like lacrosse, I like being outside ... and beating the shit out of guys with a titanium stick is pretty sweet."
"Right on, so are you still down to come work out with me? The team's gym is pretty sick."
"Yeah, that would be awesome, do you think you could help me put together a program? I mean, I mostly just want to stay in shape for hockey, but box lacrosse tryouts will be in April, and I really want to play Junior A next summer."
While we were waiting for our bill, I finally worked up the nerve to ask Carts the million dollar question.
"She won't take my calls," I started. "So, um, I was wondering if, maybe, you could call her, from your phone, and then I could just talk to her? For a second?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea," he said, looking away.
"I just need to apologise to her, I've been rattled over it for days. I haven't been sleeping; I feel like shit," I countered.
"Alright, fine," he said, pulling out his phone. "Hello? Yeah, Chan, someone wants to talk to you." He passed the phone to me and I excused myself from the table, stepping into the hallway by the washroom.
"Chan?" I blurted.
"Matty?" she asked.
"Oh, god, Chan, it feels so good to hear your voice, I've been so worried. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I was near tears, mumbling into the phone. "I feel terrible, god, I wish I could just see you and tell you how sorry I am."
"It's not your fault," she said hesitantly. "But this... there's a reason I didn't take your calls. I don't think we should talk for a while."
"WHAT!?" I barked into the phone. "What do you mean? Why? No, I mean ... I can't, we can't. No, that's what that dumb girl was trying to do, she thought she could wreck this and then ..."
"I can't do this," she said and hung up. I punched the wall, and slowly walked back to the table. My face gave everything away.
"You were right," I said to Carts, handing back the phone. "It was a bad idea."
"You okay?" he asked as we walked out to his car. The air was cold and bit my face.
"I wish I were dead," I said, barely above a whisper.
"Been there, man. I've been there. Is there anywhere you want to go, anything I can do for you? I know it sucks."
"Yeah, there might be. Just give me a minute," I said, pulling out my phone. I scrolled through, looking for Mel's number, which was actually stored under "Mel."
"Hey ..." I said when she answered.
"Monty, what's up buddy?"
"Not much, uh, do you have time to meet up? Timmy's maybe?"
"Yeah, sure," she said. We picked a location halfway between her house and mine and Carts punched it into his GPS.
"I met this girl on Saturday, not like ... that kind of girl, but she's legit chill. She said to call her if I needed to talk. She was with me when I found out ... she punched the girl in the face."
Carts laughed. "Well, she sounds alright to me, and you sound like you could use a friend."