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I groan as the sound of a new text awakens me with its annoying xylophone sound, also reminding me that I need to get up; because today I am off to meet Ben and his wife Alex. I’m not as nervous as I was with the others, but I’m still pretty scared about meeting him. It just kind of brings it back that these people have a part of my dad in them, something I can never get back.
I roll over and grab my phone to read the text, squinting my eyes at the harsh white light.
‘When are you getting back? Xx’ Cole’s texted.
Over the past couple of days, I’ve been speaking to Cole more and more. I’ve found myself just calling him up and talking for half an hour at a time. Yesterday, we spoke for a while about today’s visit, with Cole offering the same words of wisdom he suggested when I was scared about meeting Florence. At first, when Cole randomly texted me, I thought it’d be a one off, but now it’s natural to see a message from him. Dare I say it; I want to say we’re friends now?
‘Why are you up so early?! And I don’t know, this afternoon sometime. I’ll call you on my way back. Xx’
I place my phone next to me on my pillow, just to catch a few more winks of sleep, but Cole has other ideas.
‘I went to the beach to catch the sunrise. Cool. Good luck today. Bet they’re nice people. Xx’
I pout at his text. I hope so too. I really, really would struggle if I found out Ben was horrible.
‘What if they’re not? Xx.’
I wait anxiously, until he responds. ‘Don’t worry about. Call me if anything worries you. Xx’
After reluctantly getting change, I catch the train, I head over to the restaurant we said we would meet at. Both Ben and his wife, Alex are coming. They asked if I wanted to bring someone, but this really is something I want to do alone. I spot the couple outside of the restaurant and send them a wave before crossing the street to meet them. Ben is a medium build man with mousey blonde hair and light tanned skin. Alex is a petite brunette with glowing skin and dressed immaculately. They’re both in their late twenties and look like working professionals to me.
Alex greets me first and wraps her arms around me tightly and I can feel that she is on the verge of tears, which makes me feel bad. I don’t really know how to comfort her when I can’t even comfort myself. It’s really heart warming that she hugs me for longer than necessary; I like that.
Ben shakes my hand and places his other hand on top of mine and comments, looking straight into my eyes, ‘We are so glad to finally meet you.’
I sit down and order a coke and I don’t know why, but I like that they’re not drinking either, especially seeing as Ben received a liver transplant.
‘How are you doing after the surgery?’ I ask politely as we wait for our food to arrive.
Ben nods and sips his drink. ‘I’m doing good. So much better than before the operation. It’s changed my life completely.’
I twist my lips and nod.
‘Your dad was an amazing man to be an organ donor,’ Ben tells me. ‘If I didn’t have the transplant, chances are, I wouldn’t be here today. It’s just so unfortunate I had to wait for someone’s passing for it to happen. It’s been playing on my mind a lot.’
I dig my nails tightly into my palms and don’t say anything. It’s still too raw, too real to hear someone speak so openly about it. I listen to Ben and Alex talk more about themselves; clearly sensing I really don’t want to talk much more about my dad, which I am grateful for.
Alex tells me they’ve recently just found out she’s pregnant, which for some reason makes me cry instantaneously and I can’t help it. Alex begins to cry too upon seeing my reaction and she tells me, ‘I don’t know what I would have done had Ben not got the transplant and he didn’t survive. I was beginning to lose Hope and watched him deteriorate. It was so painful, the thought of having to to raise our baby alone,’ she pauses and shakes her head.
‘I cannot imagine anything so sad than for our baby to not see their dad. I know if Ben can raise our baby as well as your dad has raised you into such a mature and strong young woman, I will be so grateful. I owe you so much, Hope. You’ve given us the chance for our baby to see his dad.’
Ben hands us both a tissue and I can see tears forming in his eyes too. Alex reaches for my hand and as I look into her eyes, I can feel how much this means to her, to have Ben for longer than she would have done without my dad’s help.
It’s just hard to grasp. Someone has to lose someone for another person to stay alive. Is that ethical? Is that right? I don’t know, I don’t even want to delve into that argument because it hurts and seeing Alex and Ben so overwhelmed and sincere about the whole thing, it makes me sort of proud my dad gave them that gift of time, because it’s invaluable, isn’t it? Time is something we all crave and something we never know when our time is going to be up.
‘Congratulations, honestly you must be so thrilled,’ I sniffle out.
Both of them nod, and Ben doesn’t resist placing his hand on Alex’s stomach which is barely showing.
‘We are and we’re forever indebted to you and wish we could have met and thanked your dad,’ Ben says seriously.
I twist my lips and nod. ‘I wish the same thing.’
We move off the topic, something I’m grateful for, and just finish our meals. They’re very understanding and can tell when enough is enough talking about the transplant and my dad. It’s safe to say though, I approve of Ben. He is, thankfully, a sincere and grateful man and to know my dad has given him the chance to be a dad to their unborn baby, well, that makes me feel a little bit better than I have done about this whole situation.
‘We’ll walk you back to the station,’ Ben offers as he pays for our meal after our long chat. After our little emotional breakdown, it’s safe to say we’re ready to go. Ben holds Alex’s hand tightly in his, but focuses his attention on me, asking me questions about the future and things like that. I like that he’s taking a genuine interest in getting to know me. It makes me feel like he’s grateful and considerate and kind of, worthy of having a piece of my dad within him. He’s rather similar to Florence in that way, it’s like they genuinely care, similarly with Cole, these people are all so nice and I’m pretty sure when I get the chance to talk to Tommy, he’ll be nice too. Is that somehow because of my dad? I don’t know, but I’d like to think if they were not very nice beforehand, my dad’s presence in their body has made up for it since.
We walk back and Alex mentions, ‘We’d really like to keep in contact with you, if that’s something you’d like to do?’
My heart beat speeds up at her offer. I don’t know why, but it feels like another link to my dad which I cannot turn down.
‘I’d love to.’
Ben smiles. ‘Good. We can meet up or send letters, whatever suits.’
My eyes prick up at sending letters. ‘Would you mind sending letters?’ I don’t elaborate as to why, but actually having a tangible link, from them to me, is something I’d really like. Obviously I can’t have my dad back, but knowing he’s keeping Ben alive with his liver, it’s something I feel would help me, slightly.
‘Of course not. We’ll send letters and remain in touch,’ Alex tells me optimistically.
‘Will you really though?’ I ask, feeling rather naive that I can see myself begging them in a moment.
They both sense my anxiousness as Ben explains, ‘If there is one person we both want to make happy, it’s you. Your dad has given me my life and we’ll do anything to support you.’
I twist my lips and look into Ben’s eyes. They’re open and true and I almost believe him completely. ‘Thanks,’ I say softly.
At the station, I get two extra long hugs from Ben and Alex. They watch me get my train safely, just like a parent would and it’s pretty evident that my dad has given this couple a chance to become a family and I already know they are going to be incredibly doting and fantastic parents.
As I walk back home, I stop on the seafront and sit on a cast iron bench and look up at the sky. I wonder if my dad is up there. I wonder if he approves of the people who have his organs. I think I do. No, I know I approve of them, I am just still resentful that my dad had to die for them to live.
But I guess that’s just going to take time.
I take my phone out and call up Cole, knowing he’ll want to know how it went. After a few tones, Cole picks up. ‘How did it go?’ He asks instantly.
I feel a few tears slide down my cheeks and nod. ‘Good,’ I muffle out. I sniffle and look out to the sea.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Uh-huh.’ I swipe my tears back and struggle out. ‘His wife, she’s pregnant. They were both so thankful because he wouldn’t be around otherwise.’
‘I hope they’re happy tears,’ he tells me lightly. ‘You should be so proud of your dad. Not only are you seeing the organ recipients, but you’re seeing your dad’s gift affected so many people. It’s never ending how much happiness he’s given so many people, even an unborn baby.’
I’m bawling right now and feel sobs wrack my body. ‘I know, I know.’
‘Where are you now?’
I take a deep breath and tell him, ‘The beach. I just needed to sit down.’
‘Where abouts?’
‘I’m looking out onto the pier. Why?’
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
‘Oh Cole, it’s okay,’ I tell him, but feel my heart beat speeding up, knowing he wants to be here for me. ‘I’ll be okay.’
I hear a lot of moving and muffled noise. ‘Too late, babe. I’m out the door and on my way. Someone needs to give you tissues,’ he teases, causing me to breathe out a small laugh.
‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore though,’ I whisper out, praying he doesn’t want me to bring this all up again. It’s different talking on the phone, but seeing Cole face to face and admitting this? I don’t think that’s quite possible yet.
‘We don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. I can just walk you home, alright?’
I nod, ‘Alright.’
We end the call and as I put my phone back in my bag, a small smile appears on my face. Whether that’s because I’m realising more and more how much my dad has changed so many people’s lives, or Cole’s willingness to be there for me, I don’t know, but both are pretty damn good reasons to smile about.
Soon enough, Cole appears in the close distance. I’ve managed to touch up my smudged mascara and cool down my puffing eyes so I don’t look too hideous from crying. I stand up and give him an awkward wave, when Cole wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him.
‘Ready to walk home?’ He asks, not mentioning anything that went on over the phone.
I look up at him and nod, giving him a small thank you as we walk in sync back to my grandparents.
oOoOo
‘I think I want a green Grecian style prom dress,’ Belle tells me in delight a couple of days later to me. The thing about Belle and me is that we get over our problems pretty quickly, and right now, I cannot afford to lose my best friend over a pathetic squabble about going to prom or not. So here I am, amusing her as she scales the shops high and low for her perfect prom dress. She rang me last night and told me she was sorry and that we should meet up today to make up.
‘And have you seen any green Grecian style prom dresses?’ I ask as we walk into the first boutique shop.
‘Nope, not yet. We have to find you something too.’
I frown. Not this again. ‘I’m not going, Belle.’
She looks over her shoulder and says, ‘If I have to drag you there, I will, Hope. You can’t just ignore it. It’s a big deal.’
Sighing, I watch as she glances through the rails stacked full of beautiful dresses. She’s got a specific idea in her mind of what she wants, which means I am going to have to spend all day searching for her imaginary dress. At least I’ll be busy, I suppose.
‘Are you going for a long or short dress?’ Belle asks obliviously.
‘Neither,’ I quip.
‘Naked then?’ She teases, rolling her eyes as she pulls a chiffon maxi dress out. She proceeds to take as many dresses as she can hold to the changing room. I follow after her when she splits the dresses between us.
‘I’m not-‘
‘Try them on,’ she insists, dropping the dresses into my arms before disappearing into the changing room next to me.
Reluctantly, I take the top dress, a floor length blue gown that floats out from the waist and try it on. I zip up the side and look in the mirror at myself, knowing I have no hope but needing to buy this dress. It’s gorgeous. Damn Belle. This dress is more than what I could ever have imagined, it’s just, ugh, it’s bloody perfect.
I step out of the dressing room and see Belle in an ivory maxi dress looking gorgeous against her tanned skin with her mussed up blonde hair and bright green eyes. She gawps when she sees me and insists, ‘You have to buy that dress. If you don’t, I will buy it for you. It’s beautiful, Hope!’
Even I can’t deny how pretty this dress is. It brings out my blue eyes and accentuates my waist and bust. It’s elegant and yet demure. It’s the dream dress.
‘Are you buying that dress? It looks beautiful on you,’ I tell her.
She scrutinises herself in the mirror and shrugs. ‘I don’t know. I’m going to try on as many dresses and see which one Pete likes the best.’
I smile at her. ‘Pete loves you whatever you’re wearing.’
She smiles thinking of him. ‘He wouldn’t mind if I turned up in a bin liner, bless him. Now let’s buy you your dress.’
I go to argue, but she silences me with one look. ‘You look gorgeous in that dress and I am dragging you to prom, Hope Rigby.’ She pushes me back into the dressing room and calls out, ‘I’ll be waiting here for you and your dress and will watch you buy it before we leave.’
I can’t help but chuckle to myself. She really will not let this slide.
We spend the rest of the day dress shopping before I head back to my grandparents, with my bright blue dress neatly wrapped in the shops labelled bag. There was no way I wasn’t buying that dress, but whether I’ll be going to prom is another matter. I could just keep the dress and look at it, no?