8. Have a Little Cry

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Hey lovelies :) I hope you like this chapter, do let me know what you think of it!! Dedicated to Riley for her exciting past week! I'm so happy for you. Do check out her story too, DTBWY, tis wonderful :) Phoebe xoxo

I guess karma for my mood swings recently comes in the form of me mowing the lawn in my grandparent’s garden. My Nan didn’t order me to mow the lawn, but with her deathly stare after walking off from her last night after telling me about my mum; it was a silent given that I would be helping out today.  

‘I don’t like gardening,’ I moan to my grandpa as I drag the rusty lawn mower out of the garden shed. It wouldn’t surprise me if I got the rusty brown excess left on my legs or end up scratching myself with the metal and getting tetanus.

‘Your dad loved it,’ he comments nonchalantly. I narrow my eyes at him. Of course I know that, which is even more reason why I don’t want to screw up mowing the lawn. It seems like such a banal task, but to me, it feels like something I want to get right. I’ve never attempted gardening; I’ve never wanted to fail at something my dad was so brilliant at.

‘And anyway, mowing the lawn isn’t gardening, all you do is move the lawn mower back and forth,’ he laughs as he takes up a seat on the patio.

I plug the lawn mower in before lugging it to the long grass. Cautiously, I turn it on before I begin to move it forwards and backwards. This is actually rather therapeutic once I get the hang of it. I put my headphones into my ears and spend the next twenty minutes tackling the grass before producing a beautifully mowed lawn. I turn around and beam at my grandpa.

‘Well?’ I ask hopefully.

‘Your dad would be proud,’ he tells me with a smile, but that just hurts.

Would.

Why can’t he be here right now and see me do this? Why did this all have to happen?

‘Hope? What’s wrong?’ He asks, carefully standing up to speak to me.

I shrug and walk inside, not wanting to delve any further. ‘I’m going to meet Belle.’

I’ve not seen Belle for a few days now and I miss my best friend. Despite not spending as much time as we used to since she’s got Peter, we’re pretty decent best friends that we make time for one another. We meet outside the Beach Hut restaurant an hour later after calling her up. I spot her in the nearing distance, the pretty blonde with a floral summer dress on. She waves as she approaches and hugs me when we meet.

‘You’re not looking too good,’ she comments immediately as we go inside. I sigh. I hoped the makeup would have helped to cover my tired face, but I suppose not. I grab a table as Belle orders some food, though I pass. I’m not hungry now; I couldn’t even force food down my throat if I wanted to. We sit silently when she comes back with a huge ice cream platter. She has such a sweet tooth. As she tucks in, I say, ‘Is it weird that I don’t know what I’m feeling?’

‘Um, no, I don’t think so. Only you can feel the way you feel and it can make no sense sometimes. I think that’s natural to just, you know, not know,’ she shrugs, as she shovels some ice cream into her mouth.

‘You see, I was in the garden, mowing the lawn and my grandpa said something about dad and it just made me feel so low again. When I don’t think about what’s happened, I can get by, but when anyone brings him up or even my mum for that matter, I just feel like, like I can’t really do anything,’ I tell her with a shaky voice.

Pouting, Belle leans over and gives me a lopsided hug. ‘It’s okay to feel like that. You’ve not properly dealt with it yet. We all have those days when we just feel like everything is on top of us.’

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