"That one had a lot of anger in him." Kadance says leaning against the wall in the hallway. "We'll need to work that anger out somehow."
"Some if not most of it will go now that someone believes in him and has given him purpose again." Jayse says not too concerned.
"We'll see. Gads I'm tired." Kadance wishes that she had some ice chips to munch on right then. "This last one will be difficult and I'm worried about him, he's so close to losing it. I'm just not sure that I'll be able to save Sgt. Trader, his mind could go either way. I'm counting on you two now, this one scares me." She stands up straight and Jayse and Tommy exchange looks, she's never admitted to being scared by any of them before. Not even her uncle scared her, pissed her off yes, but not scared her.
Granite faced they take up their flanking positions as they go to the next room. Kadance takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. Sgt Trader opens the door and invites them in.
"Thank you, it has been a long day and I apologize for taking so long to make it to you. I hope you've been comfortable?" Kadance says walking over to the couch and seating herself.
"It's been nice just having some peace and quiet. No people following me, worrying about if they can stop me before I kill someone, not having my every move recorded." Trader says sadly, but in a voice that speaks of his relief.
Kadance looks at Tommy and Jayse as she replies, "I can understand that, it isn't fun. I know I don't like it. At least the people following wherever I go bit. When I was still a nobody civilian it was much nicer," Kadance smiles. Tommy smirks and Jayse frowns but Kadance doesn't let him speak, "But my security team keeps me safe, they don't let anyone near me to kill me so I guess that's the trade off. Kinda like the other side of your coin. But there's still nothing like when I have some alone time." This brings frowns to both Tommy and Jayse.
"But that is neither here, nor there. I'm sure my two guardians are going to have words for me later but we're here because you have a problem and you hope that I can help you." Kadance looks him straight in the eye, "I hope so too." She takes a deep breath, "but to be blunt I don't know if I can. I want to, I hope to, but I can't make any promises. What I do promise is it all ends one way or the other, today.
"I say that straight up to give you the chance to choose," she pulls out a tablet and sets it on the coffee table in front of her. "I'm going to ask you to go through your last mission." Jayse and Tommy are shocked at the approach she's taking. "I know what I'm asking is painful, reliving those details that haunt you. It might be too much for you and if so go ahead and take the pill. You should know that all my team will be listening and none of us are judging, we all have been through our own hell's.
"Once you start if at any time you find the horrors too overwhelming you are free to take the final grace at that time. Again none of us will judge you, some of my team have even desired to take the final grace themselves and perhaps still do. I say this because I need you to make me see what you did, feel as you felt, and that's not going to be easy on any of us," Kadance says kindly.
"I begged for the final grace after my last mission and they denied me." Trader says mesmerized by the tablet sitting on the table. "But the psych's denied me saying I'll outgrow my death wish." His voice goes from whisper thin to strong and angry. "That my nightmares would subside and allow me to sleep."
Kadance wants to weep for him and rant and rail at the psychs back at Central. "I already think the psychs are full of it, Trader. I don't blame you for being angry with them. But I need you to tell me, us, what happened what causes your nightmares." Kadance now says soothingly. Tommy had already keyed open the link for the rest of the team.
Trader starts out almost dreamily still staring at the tablet lying before him on the table. "They inserted us during the night. We'd found a colony planet of the shifters. We were ordered to take it out, to destroy them all. It's the first time we've been able to take the fight to them. They're so nightmarish to us, but they live very like us. Families playing together, parents putting little ones to bed. It was so surrealistic. We opened fire, painting key buildings for the missile strikes.
"The sound of the children screaming, the cries of the dying. We killed them all, just like we were ordered to. The babies, the children, everyone. We set cities on fire. The smell of burning flesh. A child runs from its hiding place. One shot and she's dead. I am now a child killer, I check her body and she's clutching a doll. I check the hiding place she ran from, three other kids stare out at me in terror; I fire killing each child and the mother hiding with them.
"It's their faces I see at night. The children I killed looking at me in terror and horror. They accuse me." His voice dies down to the merest whisper of tormented sound. "They eat us and do genetic testing on us, they are our enemy, but the deaths, the deaths of the children haunt me." He loses control and starts crying. "I can't not see their faces, they're the enemy but it's their deaths that haunt me."
Kadance with tears in her own eyes picks up the tablet. She goes around the table and kneels in front of Trader as he sits sobbing in the chair. Tommy and Jayse stiffen, Jayse lets out a growl of displeasure, but Kadance just waves them down. She places her hand on his knee. "I can't stop those images. You know full well that they are our enemy. That those very children would be sent off to fight our children. But children tug at our heartstrings. As is right. No matter how much we know in our brains, when it comes to our hearts we can't always listen. When all's said and done we have to be able to live with ourselves, look at ourselves in the mirror. If our actions are such that we no longer can look at ourselves then it's better to do as little harm to others as possible." She proffers the tablet to him.
"We do not condemn you. You followed orders. You did your job. It's hell when your job includes taking out the enemy children. Now you've come to your crossroads: You can take this tablet and find peace, but know that it changes nothing. Or you can leave the tablet and struggle to find a way to overcome what happened. It is a struggle, a big one. You'll be fighting each day to find a reason to go on, which direction to go. If you choose to live, I offer you the chance to work with me on my security team. You have skills and abilities we want but only if you're going to be there fully. Can you do that? Or are you unable to overcome your hell? Which do you choose the tablet or my hand?" Kadance says holding out the tablet on one hand and her other hand open to him.
He stares at the tablet hungrily. He reaches for it and closes her hand around it. He shudders as he does so. Then he takes a deep breath and accepts her other hand still left open to him. He asks in desperation, "How do you overcome hell?" Kadance smiles sadly and can't answer him.
Jayse answers for her. His voice as haunted as Traders, "You work your tail off, becoming so exhausted that you sleep without dreams. Repeat. In time, the voices, screams, faces, eyes, they lose their power over you. They're still there, but they no longer own you. The choice you made-well it's a hard one. Kadance here gives us impossible tasks and expects them done. She'll tell you we're just her babysitters, but that's not true. We are her security team and not just bodyguards. We secure whatever we have to. As you saw earlier, we also are setting up the new Dunworthy Holdings security forces."
"And anything else she wants us to do." Tommy pipes up. "She turned me into a fashion designer. Speaking of which," Tommy turns to Jayse. "I think he's out of uniform and needs his other things as well."
Tommy turns back to Trader, "Borden will take you shopping after this to pick up any other new toys you might like. You'll be joined by Mareton he just joined our team too." Tommy is very enthusiastic about this part of the deal.
Kadance looks over at him and shakes her head. "I think you should join them Tommy. I think you might be second guessing some of your choices and want something else."
Jayse hides his amusement. Kadance has Tommy pegged dead to rights. He pulls out the uniforms and toys that Kadance has already bought. He hands them all over with the new com unit even as he gestures for Tommy to go help Kadance get up and retrieve her hand from Trader's grip. His flaring nostrils are all the indication of his irritation. But it's enough to make Tommy get over there double quick.
Kadance smiles her thanks as Tommy helps her up. She shakes her hand out after Trader finally releases it. She smiles away Trader's apology. "Report to the penthouse at 0700 tomorrow morning. Enjoy the rest of the day I'm afraid it will be the last relaxing one you'll have for awhile. Tommy don't take too long escorting Borden and the two newbies around, Jayse still has plans he needs to finish." Kadance says as she and Jayse leave the room.