"What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?"
AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING by BRIGHT EYES • SATURN by SLEEPING AT LAST • SO COLD by BEN COCKS • HOLD ON by CHORD OVERSTREET • HOME by THE CINEMATIC ORCHESTRA • LEAVE A LIGHT ON (ACOUSTIC) by TOM WALKER • CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE cover by MARISSA PELLIS •
***
As soon as we got back from the woods, completing Siddiq's rescue mission, we sat in front of the entrance to the sewer.
Siddiq looked hesitantly into the black hole and back to the clean town as if saying, 'do I have to do this?' Carl noticed the look and spoke.
"It's just 'til I can talk to my dad," he said before climbing down.
Siddiq looked to me for help, but I just shrugged my shoulders and gave a cheeky smile before following Carl down.
***
"Thank you for watching her," I thanked Tobin and took Judy in my arms. He nodded and smiled as I walked over to our house.
"Let's go see what big brother Carl is doing, huh?" I asked happily as she tugged my drying hair from the shower I had taken.
I walked into the house with Judy on my hip, and she was instantly grabbing for one of her toys, so I took that as a cue to put her down in the baby-proofed living room.
"I'll be right back, okay?" I told her as she babbled away.
I heard the shower running and wanted to check on Carl, so I made my way upstairs. Not even thinking to knock, I opened the door slowly, but it was slammed shut in my face.
"Uh, you okay?" I laughed, not knowing why he did that.
"Y-yeah. Fine. I'll be out soon," he stuttered, and I heard the lock click shut.
Shaking my head, I made my way downstairs again and played with Judy until Carl came out.
"I'm going to check in Siddiq, give him a few things. You guys, okay? I'll be quick," The now spotless Carl said while gathering some things.
"We're good," I smiled as he came over to say bye.
He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes before kissing me, harder than usual, though I wasn't complaining. He pulled away and gave me one more peck before looking into my eyes.
"I love you."
***
I sat on the porch rocking in the chair with Judith in my lap as we patiently waited for Carl. Her face, along with mine, lit up at the sight of the freckled long-haired boy. He ascended the stairs with a smile on his face and a Polaroid camera in his hand. It was the one Rick had used to take photos of the destroyed saviour compound.
"Hey ladies," he smiled, and I took the camera from his hand, him taking Judith.
"Hey babe," I smiled as well and stood up to go look for film for the camera.
"I'll be back," I spoke in the terminator voice, causing Carl to chuckle and shake his head
"Get paint too!" He called out as he sat in the chair and rocked with Judith.
I scavenged the house for both, only finding enough film for a few pictures and a bottle of blue paint. Exiting the house, Carl and Judith sat on the stairs, so I handed him the Polaroid to take a photo of the two of them. He smiled brightly at the camera, and Judy looked curiously. I set the paint down, and Carl waved me over.
"Now one altogether," he said, and I sat beside Judith, putting her in the middle.
I smiled and looked into the camera, Carl doing the same, but Judy looked happily up at her big brother, almost admiring him. Judith seemed bored with photos, so she picked up the paint and sat out of the camera's frame.
"Just one of the two of us now," Carl said and pulled me close to him.
I scooted even closer to him, wrapping my arms around him and smiling at the camera. He kissed me on the cheek before taking the picture, making me giggle, and the flash went off, capturing a perfect moment. After taking photos, I followed Carl's lead and opened the paint, giving a blob to each Grimes children.
"You too!" Carl insisted, and I rubbed it in on my hand.
We all put our hands down on the porch, making perfect blue handprints.
"One more thing I want to do," Carl said, picking up Judy and heading towards the town center.
He placed Judy down and began digging with a shovel.
"What're you doing?" I asked chuckling.
"You'll see," he said and hurried away for a minute, only to come back with a baby tree.
We silently patted down the dirt, and Judy played in the grass beside us. Michonne passed by, giving us a wave and drove away. Carl then looked to the sun, soaking up the rays and removing his hat.
"I love you," he whispered to me again.
***
I let out a pained gasp, knowing that it was too late. Rick and Michonne stayed silent and dropped to the ground beside me. I started breathing quickly. Carl looked at me with his doe eye, letting single tears slip away.
Carl was bit.
Silence took over the sewers until an explosion erupted above us, causing rubble to sprinkle down into the sewer.
"I don't," Rick began but just couldn't find the words.
This was the moment Rick Grimes had lost all hope. He looked so broken and defeated. Michonne was in shock. She wasn't comprehending what was happening at the moment.
"Dad," Carl said softly but sternly.
I started furiously shaking my head, my slow dripping tears starting to scatter at the motion. Carl reached for my hand, and his felt so cold against mine.
"We-we can fix it. Cut it out or something. There has to be something-" my voice cracked, and the pitch increased as the floodgates were about to open. I hadn't felt like this since he was shot.
"It's all right. It's gotta be. I wasn't sure if you'd make it back before...but just in case, you know I wanted to make sure I was able to say goodbye," Carl pulled out pieces of paper with his free hand and gave them to Michonne, but she just stared at them with a tear-streaked face.
He sounded so tired and in pain. It hurt seeing him like that, and it hurt, even more, knowing what his fate was going to be.
"When?" That was all I managed to get out through my sore throat.
"I got bit. I was bringing someone back with Skylar. His name is Siddiq. We saw him at that gas station before. It wasn't the Saviors. It just happened. I got bit."
Rick had shuffled around with Michonne to gather things to make Carl more comfortable.
I hadn't mustered up the energy to move or even think. I just sat beside the love of my life, stroking his hand and sitting close to him with a tear-stained face and a broken heart.
Rick and Michonne set up the makeshift bed, and that was my cue to help him up. I stood up and tried pulling him up, but I started slipping. Rick came in time to help me, and we laid him down gently, causing him to grunt in pain.
I had barely spoken since I found out and hadn't even said a word to Carl. I was afraid to say anything to him, afraid it would make it real.
I moved his wet hair out of his face and started patting his forehead with a cloth gently. He painfully smiled at me, trying to thank me, but I just let tears slip.
"Is that better?" Michonne softly asked.
"Yeah. Thanks," Carl grunted.
"I, um, I got these. They're over-the-counter, non-steroidal anti-inflammatories. They'll, um, help a little with the fever. They did for my mom and dad," Siddiq finally spoke up, holding a bag full of medication.
The three of us looked at him in different ways. I could tell we all felt like this was his fault in some way. Carl went back for him...But this made me think...I let Carl go. I was with him, and I let it happen.
"Please take them. Your son...he should have them," Siddiq's sorrowful voice broke my thoughts.
Rick looked to Michonne for guidance, and she gave a curt nod.
"You're a doctor?" Rick questioned, finally uttering words to the man and taking the bag.
"I was a resident before. Yeah," Siddiq said
"Your name is Siddiq?" Rick asked.
"Yes," Siddiq nodded.
"Did you know he was a doctor? Is that why you brought him back?" Rick looked to his pale son for an answer.
"He wasn't gonna make it alone. He needed us. That's why," Carl nodded, and I looked to him with admiration. This was one of the reasons I fell for this boy—his compassion and selflessness.
"He was the one at the gas station," Rick put the pieces together, probably feeling guilty for chasing Siddiq off in the first place.
Another massive explosion erupted, bigger than the last, and rubble started falling onto us. Michonne tucked my head into her chest, and Rick covered his son on instinct.
This sent Carl into a fit of coughs, and I froze, looking at him with wide eyes and a pounding heart.
"Water. Give him water," Michonne ordered, and I slipped out of her grip, Siddiq handing me a bottle. I took it from his grasp and opened it, giving it to Rick.
"You got it? Slowly, slowly," Rick gave the coughing boy some water, and I stroked Carl's feverish head, him finally slowing his coughing fit.
Michonne stood up hastily, pushing past Rosita, Tara, and Daryl.
"Make it stop. Make them stop," she ordered Dwight, shoving him against the wall.
"I can't," Dwight looked defeated as another explosion was heard.
"You can. You're one of them.
They'll listen to you. Please," Michonne begged as the sewer shook.
I looked back to Carl, who seemed upset, but not about his bite.
"Hey, what is it?" I whispered, finally looking into his eye.
"I wish it wasn't like this. The fighting," he trailed off.
I nodded my head a few times. "I know."
"You said that Hilltop's safe, right?" Rosita stood up and placed a hand on Michonne shoulder, looking at Dwight.
"Yeah."
"We need to get everybody there. We can get Carl there," Rosita announced.
"And they think all of you got away in the woods. They're out there, looking," Dwight countered.
"They saw us go West, so we won't go West," Tara joined the group.
"Your best chance is to stay here until they're gone," Dwight said.
"No. They find us here; we're dead," Daryl said from behind me.
"They're almost done. They gotta be. It wasn't about destroying the place. They don't have the ammo for that. After they let up after they're gone, that's when we go," Dwight said between explosions.
"Okay. We wait," Rosita decided, and Michonne walked back over to us.
"All of you in one place, together?" That was all I heard.
"All of us together, we'll be their worst damn nightmare."
***
I laid my head on top of my arm right beside Carl. I sat on the cold ground and stared at him as if expecting something to happen like it could all disappear, or I could just wake up.
"You left. You were supposed to be resting," Carl said to Michonne, causing her to laugh painfully.
"I'm not tired," she shook her head, and I sat up for a better view.
"Yeah. You look great," Carl chuckled.
"Says you, punk," I spoke up, laughing through the tears. They both smiled until another explosion erupted.
"It's gotta stop, Michonne. It's not supposed to be like this. I know it can be better," Carl said softly, the humanitarian in him coming out. The saviours weren't my biggest worries right now. All I could think about was 'what's next?'
"Sounds like they're letting up," Scott observed.
"Looks like you were right. They're leaving," Rosita said to Dwight.
"Maybe," Daryl said, walking over and handing Judy to Rick. Daryl came over to me, kissing the top of my head and quickly looking at Carl.
"Want me to go take a look?" He asked.
I was too occupied to argue with him, to say it was dangerous.
Rick gave a nod, and Daryl, along with a few others, were on their way.
"The Saviors are gone. We can get everyone to Hilltop. We can get Carl there," I heard Michonne from behind me.
"Carl won't make...He can't leave here," Rick said.
"I have to stay with him," I firmly spoke up, not taking my eyes off of Carl's pained face. I gave him a slight smile.
"I'm with you until the end," I whispered to him, and he gently cupped my face with a shaky hand. I leaned into it, trying to memorize the creases of his fingers, the way he feels.
"I have to stay. We'll stay," Michonne decided.
"Will you take Judith? She needs to be there. If she...If something happens..." Rick trailed off, and I could hear the fear in his voice.
"I'll take her. I'll get her there. I'll keep her safe. I got this," Daryl spoke up.
Carl began shifting in his cot, trying to get up. Michonne rushed over, and we both helped him up, propping him against the wall.
"You be good, okay? For Michonne. For Skylar. For Dad. You gotta honour him. Listen when he tells you stuff. You don't have to always. Sometimes, kids got to show their parents the way," Carl spoke to the silent toddler. It was almost like she understood.
I stood up, taking shelter in Daryl's arms. I couldn't trust myself to be sitting alone and watching this heartbreaking scene unfold.
"This was Dad's before it was mine. Now it's yours. Until you're big enough to wear it, Skylar will keep it safe for you. I don't know...Just having it and It always kept Dad with me. It made me feel as strong as him. It helped me. Maybe it'll help you, too," when he mentioned my name, I gasped quietly. This all hurt so much.
"Before Mom died, she told me that I was gonna beat this world. I didn't. But you will. I know you will," Carl finished, leaving almost everyone in tears.
Judith began crying, and Daryl picked her up to comfort her. I handed him the hat and gave him and Judy a hug.
"These people. You saved them all. That's all you, man," Daryl said, giving Carl one last nod as a goodbye.
Everyone except Siddiq, Michonne, Rick, Carl and I grabbed their stuff and left the sewer.
"You were helping me honour my mom," Siddiq began as he sat down.
"Not just yours. Mine, too," Carl said.
"You brought me here. You gave me a chance. I know I can never repay you, but I can honour you by showing your people, your f-friends, your family that what you did wasn't for nothing. That it mattered. That it meant something. Because it did, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna honour you, Carl," Siddiq finished, almost giving me hope as if the trip wasn't completely useless.
"Congratulations. You're stuck with us," Carl laughed slightly, and Siddiq stood up, exiting the sewer as well.
***
The next little while consisted of making Carl comfortable in his last moments by giving him water, holding him and dabbing his pale skin with a towel.
"One request," Carl spoke up and didn't let me answer. "Sing the song. The Elvis one," he smiled cheekily, and I rolled my eyes. I started softly, only loud enough for him to hear.
"Wise men say only fools rush in..." I finished the song, and he kissed my hand.
"You okay?" I heard Michonne ask from where I was sitting at the foot of the bed.
"I don't want you to be sad after this," Carl began.
"Carl..." Michonne tried to interrupt.
"Or angry. You're gonna have to be strong. For my dad. For Skylar. For Judith. For yourself," Carl spoke.
"I will," Michonne nodded fiercely.
"Don't carry this. Not this part. You're my best friend, Michonne."
"You're mine, too. You're mine."
"I need your help," Rick whispered.
"With what?" I asked.
"Getting him out of here."
***
Don't ask me how we managed to get Carl out of there because it was all a blur.
As we reached the top of the sewer, I was nervous about what I would see. I had every right to be. Trees, grass and buildings were either burnt down or currently burning as we speak.
Rick was to the right of Carl, Michonne and I to the left. We practically dragged him through the burning town.
"We need to stop," Michonne said, seeing how much Carl was struggling.
"The house up ahead. We can make it," Rick countered.
"It's okay. Just put me down here. It's okay," Carl insisted, but I shook my head.
"No. We'll make it," I insisted.
"There," Michonne pointed to the church.
We laid Carl down gently on the floor, my hand cushioning his head.
"Thanks for...For getting me here," Carl said from his position on the ground.
"I'm sorry. I-I just I didn't want you out there," Rick nodded.
"No. No, for getting me here.
For making it so I could be who I wound up." No one was ready for Carl to say his goodbyes, especially to his father.
"Back at the prison when we got attacked, there was a kid, a little older than me. He had a gun. He was starting to put it down, and I shot him. He was giving it up, and I just I shot him," Carl said, bringing me back to the simpler days.
"I think about him. What I did to him and how easy it was to just kill him," Carl sounded so guilty. This made me feel guilty as well, letting him carry this weight by himself.
"Carl, no. No. What happened...what you'd lost. All those things you had to do. You were just...You were just a boy," Rick shook his head, tears falling from his eyes.
"And you saw it what it did.
How easy it got. That's why you changed why you brought those people from Woodbury in. You brought them in, and we all lived together. We were enemies. You put away your gun. You did it so I could change, so I could be who I am now, what you did then. How you stopped fighting, it was right. It still is. It can be like that again. You can still be like that again," Carl spoke wisely.
I didn't know he felt this way. At this moment, there were so many things I didn't know; he never told me. I felt guilty. Guilty for all of the things I let happen to him, all the pain he went through, all the shit I put him through.
"I can't be who I was. It's different now," Rick started.
"I know you can't see it yet how it could be. But I have. You have a beard. It's bigger and grayer. Michonne and Skylar are happy, Judith is older, and she's listening to the songs I used to before. Alexandria's bigger. There are new houses, crops and people working. Everybody living, helping everybody else live. If you can still be who you were, that's how it could be. It could," I started to cry, even more, stroking Carl's face and shaking my head.
"Carl. It was all for you. Right from the start. Back in Atlanta, the farm. Everything I did, it was for you. Then, at the prison, it was for you and Judith. It still is. It's gonna be. And nothing is gonna change that," Rick stated, crying now.
"I want this for you, Dad,"
"I'm gonna make it real, Carl. I promise. I'm gonna make it real. Carl, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I couldn't protect you. A father's job is to protect his son."
"Love. It's just to love."
I stood up, gripping my hair and pulling. I paced around, shaking my head furiously. It's my fault.
I could tell Carl knew this was coming. My final breakdown. Our final goodbye.
"Please come here, Sky," Carl whispered, raising his hand to me.
I looked at him and kneeled down to hear him. My face was hovering above his, and I cupped his cheeks in my sweaty palms.
"This is it, Skylar. You're going to have to do this for me. You have to survive it. You need to carry on. I know it will be hard for you, but you have so many people around you that love you. I love you. The best decision I ever made was to stand up for you all those years ago," Carl laughed, rubbing my arm. I let out a sharp breath, and he continued.
"Thank you for everything. You brought light to my world. You are the reason I fight. You are the love of my life. I don't want you to blame yourself. It's no one's fault. I need you to take care of these guys, okay?" He nodded, looking me in the eyes.
"Carl, I'm going to miss you so much. I don't know if I can live without you. Thank you. Thank you for patiently waiting for me. Thank you for being my best friend before anything. Thank you for our million silly inside jokes. Thank you for being the reason I choose to live," I was now sobbing, and so was he.
"I love you so much. I got this a while ago. I always knew it was you, and I can't die knowing you don't know," he said, reaching into his pocket.
He pulled out a ring.
I sobbed heavily, not knowing how to breathe. He wanted to propose.
"I know you will find someone else, and I want you to find someone else. To find happiness again...but just wear it to remember how I loved you. How I will always love you with everything in me," he sounded so broken, and he put it on my finger, knowing I would agree.
"I love you so much, Carl Grimes. I will never forget you. You are the love of my life," I leaned down, pressing one last kiss to his lips, savouring the moment, never wanting to let go. I finally pulled away and looked into his eyes.
"Skylar Dixon, I love you so much. Never forget how I loved you."
Carl reached for his gun, but I put a hand on his.
"No. No. Carl, It should be..." Michonne spoke up.
"I know. I know. Somebody you love. When you can't do it yourself, but I still can. I grew up. I have to do this," Carl said. We all gave up, knowing this is what he had to do.
"I love you," Carl looked up to Michonne, and she sobbed.
"I love you, too."
"I love you, Dad," Carl cried.
"I love you, Carl. I love you so much. I'll make it real. I will," Rick broke down.
"Skylar, I love you," he whispered, and I leaned down, holding him one last time.
I looked into his blue eyes.
"I love you."
***
Michonne and I stood outside the church, Rick sitting on the step, all of us waiting.
One silenced gunshot.
I dropped to my knees and wailed in agony, not caring who would hear.
The love of my life is dead. Carl Grimes is Dead.
Guys, I really tried on this chapter. It didn't turn out amazing, but it's okay. As we speak, I'm crying because of how heartbreaking the episode was and how hard it was to write his. I'm sorry it's late, a lot has been going on. Thank you for understanding.
Honestly, I'm not too sure what's going to happen next in this book. All I know is that I'm going to finish the season.
Rip Carl Grimes and fuck you gimple.
-Ellen Rose🦋