"Harry?" A strange voice says and I feel anger burn in my chest. Can't anyone leave me alone for 2 fucking minutes?
"What?!" I snap, still reeling from what happened.
"Can I come in?" The voice asks as I swing the door open. "Or not." They smile a fake smile. "I'm Leorardin...well, Leo now. Anyway-young man?" He cuts himself off and waves someone over from his left, and then I see Noah walk in front of me and Leo place his hands on Noah's small shoulders.
"What are you doing?" I ask Noah.
"He's been stealing rations from the kitchen." Leo says, pursing his lips.
What a fucking snitch.
"What? Why?" I ask, panicked that he's hungry and I've not taken care of him.
"Do you want to tell him or shall I?" Leo says as Noah looks up to him with pleading eyes.
"He was homeless and hungry, and I ate all my lunch. I was going to give him some of my chocolate but Sandy ate it and then-"
"Who was homeless?" I question.
"A human wondering the path outside." Leo says, his previous laid back but slightly disappointed demeanour changing to a somewhat harsh and sharp one.
"Why on earth were you socialising with the humans?!" I grabbed Noah's shoulder and shouted the words into his petrified face.
"Harry, you're scaring me." His small voice says but the rage that built up from Leo's simple sentence seems to be overtaking any rational thoughts I have. The amount of rage itself for such a simple thing is irrational.
And I feel it. For the first time, I feel myself physically not wanting to behave this way but being stopped. I'm fighting with myself not to scream at my 9 year old brother but I can't because a much larger part of me is fuming that a Terrebit has sympathised with the enemy.
"Get in here." I seethe pulling him into the room and my attempt to slam the door is stopped by Leo's foot.
"You should know, Harry," he begins, his face as smug as ever, "I'm not the only one who saw this. There was around 10 of us at the fence at the time. The news is spreading like wildfire." He says, and my blood boils again.
He's not telling me that for fun, he's telling me as a warning that I'll need to publicly punish Noah, because otherwise my people will lash out at favouritism among Terrebit, outraged that one of them should be able to steal from the rations while others are not. There would be an uproar - a civil war.
As I close the door finally, I look to Noah with fury in my eyes.
"Do you realise what the fuck you've done?!" I scream.
Stop screaming at him. Stop screaming at him. He's 9 years old and he is your brother. Stop screaming at him.
"I'm sorry he just-"
"I don't want to hear it!" I yell.
Stop yelling at him. He's the only family you have left. Stop yelling at him.
"You've betrayed us." I surprise myself by saying. "You've betrayed your own people for the enemy. And you have to be punished."
No. What am I saying?
I grab him by the back of the neck and push him out the bedroom, storming through the halls as he struggles and cries in my grip, tripping over his own 2 feet.
I bust open the front doors and into the field where thousands train and exercise, before pushing him hard to the ground.
People begin to stop and and stare at us, their faces serious and the whole field turning silent as they watch us. Some children run to their mothers and training leaders blow their whistles to alert the class to stop.
"This young boy was caught stealing rations from the pantry," I begin, and already gasps sound through the crowd, "and feeding them to hungry humans." I finish, whispers being exchanged and looks of pure hatred shooting in Noah's direction, who sits crying on the floor, begging me to stop with teary eyes.
Stop this. Pick him up and take him inside. Kill Leo and any other witness. Just stop this.
But I can't.
"We all know this is strictly not allowed to happen. And so for that reason, this young boy will be punished. Right now." I say sternly, cheers and claps battering against my ear drum.
I turn to Noah, his vulnerability evident in his small size and he clambers to his feet, running to hug my legs but I pull him apart from me.
"Please Harry! I won't do it again!" He cries hysterically, hiccuping as he says it, his freckly nose crinkled.
"No. You won't." I say, and something snaps.
My eyes roll backward into my head and I close them, my body feeling like it's levitating and heat rising through my body. I feel electricity at my finger tips and just like that I open my eyes and
BANG.
Noah flies backward 30 feet, screaming in the air before hitting a dead silence on the ground. I feel myself come down from whatever euphoric state I was in and I watch Noah's limp body from afar, people beginning to gather around it.
As I approach him I witness him regain consciousness and begin to scream...and scream...and scream...and I pick up speed as I move toward him. I crouch by his side and tears fly down his face, his dark blue eyes glistening and blood shot.
I knew he'd be in pain but it seems to be chronic. I thought I could maybe sprain an ankle, break an arm, but he's inconsolable.
"Noah, what's wrong?"
"I can't feel them." He wails and wails. "I can't feel my legs."
And with that my stomach falls to the ground below me and I stand and stumble backward. My heart races in my chest and I take deep breaths so I remember to do it. I swallow thickly as Terrebit begin to panic around him, medics running to the scene and I take off on foot.
I paralysed him. I paralysed my 9 year old brother from sheer rage.
I sprint as fast as I can through the field, hearing my name being screamed from behind but I run and I don't look back. The feeling of dread in my stomach tightens and then I collapse to the ground as a pain ripples through my head.
"A monster? Is that what you think of me?"
"No, of course not. Just when your eyes are black." She says.
"So you don't love me with black eyes?" I ask, and she takes my face in her hands.
"I'd love you even if your eyes were multicoloured."
"So you could love a monster?"
"If you are the monster, then yes. I love the monster."
My head throbs repulsively and I feel like it's going to explode. I can hardly breathe and my ears ring like a whistle in my head.
"I don't even see the point in this. You don't live for me, so why do you always act like it?" She asks, hurt clear in her voice as she backs away from me but I quickly grab her hand.
"Don't go." I beg.
"Then give me a reason to stay." She begs me right back, her voice thick with emotion and desperation.
I scream in pain, literally exhausted from the feeling. My heart is thumping in my chest and I feel every emotion at once, my eyes burning as I look to the clouds.
She begins to ascend the stairs when I tug on her hand and enlace my fingers through hers as she turns towards me.
"I do. I live for you. My heart beats for you and all that shit. I knew that since the day I saw you chained up in my bedroom. It's you and it will always be you."
The pain stops. Just like that. Just like before. Like lightening, it hits me with high voltage and in the blink of an eye it's gone.
And I miss it. I miss Bel-
"Harry!" Zayn screams, and I scramble away, sprinting from him and my own thoughts.
My legs carry me to my bedroom, sweat trickling down my face, and I slam the door shut, locking it, and scooping my diary from the bin.
Eleanor was right.
I'm not 'good'. Not anymore.