Lyle
"So...how are you feeling?" Mr. Caldwell asked while I sat there in the comfy, colorful bean bag and blankly stared forward. "I know you've had quite the day and you're more than welcome to–"
"It's fine." I nodded. "I didn't even want to be here, my teacher forced me."
"Teachers can't force you to do things."
"Alright then..." I sucked in my lips and corrected myself. "She very adamantly suggested I come here."
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I'm damaged."
"Do you believe that?" He asked but stopped and put his hand up. "Actually, let me go back. Did she say those exact words?"
"No, but Mrs. Krazinski doesn't hide her feelings well."
"She is known to be very blunt."
"I know. That's what I both love and hate about her." I revealed to him. "She won't step on eggshells for you though she doesn't really hold back either. I kind of wish I had that fire."
"The blunt honesty?"
I tilted my head to the left and shrugged. "Well that and finding my voice."
"I remember you telling me the last time we met, it was the sole reason you joined the animals rights group."
"Plus I love animals." I let my smile shine through. "They're so cute, innocent, and loving. They also have the freedom to be themselves."
"You don't believe you have that?"
"At least not in the same capacity as a lion." I couldn't help but chuckle and even snort a little too. "They can be themselves and own the land all while living like royalty."
"I'm assuming you hope to achieve that."
"I don't need to be royalty, I just need to feel normal." I sighed and continuously nodded after opening up about that. "Yeah... it's been a real struggle and has been for a very long time but I'm slowly getting there."
"Wonderful." Caldwell smiled before the phone went off and he picked it up. "Hello?"
I looked closely at the way his eyes twitched and went from more hopeful to a soft, worried demeanor. He turned away for a moment, stared my way for a bit, then nodded his head. "Alright, I'll tell him."
"Uh, what was that about?" I asked him while grabbing the nearest stuffed animal and holding onto it.
"I'm afraid there's been a problem."
He couldn't even look at me. He couldn't be bothered to look me in the eyes, it was that bad.
"What happened?" I asked.
"I've just been informed that the entire team has denied involvement."
"Not everyone was involved..." I slowly shook my head. "No. That's not-but he saw–"
"Even the last witness that arrived before you did, confirmed he didn't see anything."
Johnny... I looked down for what seemed to be an eternity. I was surprised to hear that yet at the same time, I wasn't.
"But I saw them do it." I murmured aloud.
Caldwell leaned in and inquired to me, "What was that? Speak up."
I was so tempted to not say a word and leave his office. However, my body was numb and I was already too comfortable and cowardly to stand up. Instead, I sat there in silence, nodding my head. Eventually, I sniffled and took off my glasses before looking Caldwell in the eyes and told him the truth in a much louder tone. "I said that I saw them do it."
"Are you sure about that?"
"What?" My eyebrows scrunched as I had this sinking feeling, he was gonna suggest the one thing we don't talk about unless it was undeniably relevant.
Caldwell cleared his throat and explained. "Are you sure what you saw was the team and not anyone or anything else?"
"My locker had eggs and girl blood all over it along with notes that said some very nasty things. That was real. You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, right?"
"If there wasn't a similar situation, I'd–"
"Don't you go there." I stuck out my pointer finger and let it go side to side. "I've been taking my meds. I take them... every day. This was real... this did happen and even if it didn't, my experience is real for me."
"I know and we will get to the bottom of this. However, if your mental health is a factor then we need to consider the possibility that it could've made you believe it was them."
"You think I made it up?" A part of me died inside after asking that question.
"No, though you did have a history of incidents." Caldwell dug through his file cabinet and pulled out my file where I slowly shook my head and clutched the stuffed seal tighter in my arms.
"We really don't have to–"
"Witness reports that a student had been furiously screaming over what they saw. His parents had to contact police after they couldn't calm him down. He was forcefully removed from the room and the other student he assaulted–"
"That... that was a very long time ago." I clarified to him.
"It was two years ago."
"Why does that matter?"
"It matters because you lost control of yourself."
"Don't you think I know that?" My voice cracked halfway through and I gulped. A few tears welled in my eyes and I sniffled though kept going forward because he needed to hear this from me. "Don't you think I remember what happened? My family tried to disown me! It was that bad yet somehow they were convinced to be there for me. Jesus, if it wasn't for Gunnar, I don't know where I'd be."
"He's your..."
"Half-brother." I nodded profusely. "Yeah. He's only half-related yet a better parent because neither of mine seemed to care until their son was being ridiculed for the shit he couldn't stop seeing and being tormented by on a daily basis. I didn't mean to hurt that other boy but he was no saint either. Not to mention, he kept saying how my kind rots in hell and I just... I lost it."
"How did it make you feel?"
"Terrible." I admitted. "I was disgusted in myself and so were they. I'm just glad Gunnar had the heart not to turn his back on me."
I found myself letting out a deep sigh and I crossed my arms before facing him again. "Are we done here?"
"We can be."
"Splendid." I sucked in my lips and put the white, fluffy seal back with the other plush animals before nodding my head and grabbing my things. "Uh, thanks again for hearing me out."
"You're welcome and if you do need anything, please let me know."
"I will."
The moment I left, I buried my hands over my face and rubbed it hard. What was wrong with the world? I mean, I was trying to make a better life yet the universe thought that was a joke.
"Okay..." I nodded in an attempt to clean myself up faster. "Okay. This day is already falling apart yet you're still standing. Just get through the day, okay? It is possible for this to turn around."
I really loved when my words didn't work in my favor. That was proven by lunch time when I saw the football team walking in a squad, chattering up a storm and slapping each other on the back. Their laughter only amplified once one of them pointed at me where I simply ignored them. I did however, catch a glimpse of Johnny in the crowd and once we locked eyes, he paused for a second before turning away.
"Asshole," I grumbled while digging into the grilled catfish I brought from home. While it was zesty and piping with goodness, event that couldn't deter my sour mood. I continued plowing through my scrumptious lunch until hearing a familiar voice.
"I saw what happened." Elise told me. She then bobbed her head to the right side before continuing onwards. "Okay, I saw the aftermath because these fuckers couldn't shut up about what happened."
"What'd they say?"
"You really wanna know?"
"Sure." I shrugged. "Enlighten me."
"They said how much of a loser you are and they kept alternating between the usage of queer and fag."
"How original." I scoffed. "As long as they don't say I'm a twink, I really don't care."
"Oh you definitely care." Elise chuckled and poked me in the stomach which made me laugh too. "But you're definitely better off not feeling down. At least in public."
"You really think so?"
"Hey, just because my nose is usually buried in a book, doesn't mean I check on you every once in awhile."
Huh? My ears perked up and I looked her way. "Wait, you've seen my activism before?"
Elise smiled and shrugged. "You're really cute when you try."
"I usually think I'm cringe-worthy."
"Um, compared to the dance squad that never practices and then performs... you're miles above."
"Hey, don't be talkin' shit about the dance squad." Aria chimed in after she plopped herself down to us.
Elise scoffed. "The school's dance squad, not your outside club."
"Oh, the school's?" Aria half-chuckled and even covered her mouth. "Dear god, they are terrible and I don't even feel bad for saying that. They literally don't care yet apparently want to be better than every other school. How's that supposed to happen? Life doesn't work that way."
"Exactly." Elise agreed. "Lyle, you might have a lot of shit happen to you, but the fact you're still here shows that you're stronger than you seem."
"Emotionally?" I asked.
"Of course." She answered in a jolly tone.
Oh Elise. You really knew how to brighten my day. Seriously, I thought Aria would be my favorite but Elise knocked her out of the park. She's shameless with a heart and honest. It made me really like her. God, if I felt the way about girls that I should, I'd totally go for her. Actually, no. I'd at least wait two months before that. Speed dating may be fun and all except it is real dangerous and accidents could happen both emotionally and sexually. Nobody ever wants the latter.
The rest of the afternoon had begun to look up. English ran smoothly, music did too, and while there was the occasional snickering, people were actually kind to me. They also could've pitied me too, either way it was fine.
I found myself smiling and humming until someone came into the classroom and handed me a sheet of pink paper.
"It's about the planning board." Russell grumbled. He wore an orange, plaid shirt, worn-out jeans, and stood tall as ever. He always sounded so lifeless too, then again he's apparently seen too much shit that he grew numb to everything.
"Do I have to go now?" I asked.
"It would be a good idea." Russell replied. "Normack can get very loud when things don't go his way."
"He sure does." I nodded. Russell made another groaning noise before leaving the class. I looked around to see everyone was too preoccupied in themselves to notice me leaving so I slipped out. The hallway was nice and clear. A bit too nice, you ask me. That was only proven once I opened the door of Normack's office and gasped.
"Demon spawn." I mouthed as he turned around.
"Lyle, can we talk?" Johnny asked.
Yes, but...no, I turned away from him and clenched my fists. I wasn't dumb enough to punch him though my heart and all those feelings inside were clawing at the chance to attack. I could do it and he'd take it however, knowing my luck, someone would witness and report me. I'd feel even worse and that was the last thing I needed.
I kept my back facing him even after the girls walked in.
"Hey Lyle, what's going-Oh." Elise paused once she saw Johnny. "Well then, we'll come back."
"But we just got here." Aria complained.
"I know." Elise griped.
"Listen, you two should stay." Johnny suggested only to be shut down by Elise.
"Nah, we'd rather leave." Elise nodded in a silted manner. "Besides, you two need to work your shit out. Come on, Aria."
"Yeah, we'll see you two later."
Both girls left and so it was just us again. I reluctantly sat down next to Johnny though I refused to look at him. Cold, resentful silence filled the air between us until he sighed.
"Look, we don't have to do this."
"Splendid. Let's not." I remarked while grabbing my bag.
"But we will anyways." He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes. I stared him down too and dropped my bag.
"Alright, what do you have to say for yourself?" I began.
"Oh, so we're just diving right in, are we?"
"Yep." I nodded with a plastered smile on my face. "We sure are."
"Okay then, well I hope you understand where I'm coming from."
I couldn't help but close my eyes while crossing my arms. I gave him a subtle nod and he continued. "My friends like to do a lot of dumb shit, okay? So maybe they'll go a bit too far every once in awhile. I know at one point we rode around town and threw water balloons and other random things. At first it was fun, then it was mean. I even got talked into hitting some girl who came out of a clinic. You know the kind where they–"
"Mhmmm..." I nodded.
"Yeah." Johnny cleared his throat and continued speaking. "I didn't feel the least bit bad after getting her in the face with the water balloon. Then we partied back at Logan's place yet for some reason, I couldn't stop crying that night."
"Why?"
"I don't know." Johnny shrugged. "Maybe it was just a weird thing or whatever but the point is, people do make mistakes and we shouldn't judge them so harshly."
"Are you saying I should forgive you?" I looked over at him when asking that question. He stifled for a moment as his eyes widened. A few drops of sweat ran down his forehead and he chuckled. It was interesting, seeing the usually overconfident hot-shot get rendered speechless for once. Though that still wasn't enough for me to forgive what happened especially since his douchebag pals all got away scot-free.
Johnny wiped himself off with a Kleenex before he told me. "I'm saying you could learn to speak up for yourself more instead of sitting back and judging people–"
"Unbelievable." I shook my head and stared at him with my fists clenched again. "So was this what you were trying to do the whole time? Get me to be cool with this so you wouldn't feel so bad?"
"No, I did this so we could all move on."
"From what?" I asked as my voice cracked again. "Your guilt?"
When Johnny didn't answer after a few minutes, I scoffed and grabbed my things. "Wow. Just...wow!"
"Lyle, I didn't mean to–"
"What?" I put my hands up and slapped them back down. "Humiliate me in front of our class? Make me feel crazy for apparently calling out the real bullies? Oh and best of all, lead the counselor to believe I was unstable again."
"Wait, what?" Johnny shook his head and asked.
"Yeah, Caldwell questioned me and my damaged, little brain since the whole team denied they had anything to do with it."
"Oh fuck..." Johnny stared into space and rocked in his chair.
"Uh-huh." I nodded profusely. "This is exactly why I've got no respect for you."
"Can you please not go there?" Johnny anguished with his eyes half-open. "I'm trying here, I really am. I don't think you get it and you probably never will."
"Ah, there it is." I pointed and smiled. "There's the guy I see day in and day out."
"That ain't true, man. You know that's not who–"
"You know, I really wanted to like you." I stood up and told Johnny straight to his smug, mopey face. "I wanted to believe you were more than just the typical, dumbass jock but you clearly aren't and you know what? That's alright. That's perfectly fine by me. We don't need to be best buds."
"Yeah, that'll never happen." Johnny scoffed. "Not in a million years."
"Thank god." I sighed. We finally made some progress. "At least now, we're on the same page here."
"Yep."
"And we'll just go back to going our own separate ways except when we're here. We don't even need to talk to each other."
"I'd be down for that." Johnny nodded.
"Splendid." I smiled and extended my left arm out for him to shake. He shot a smirk my way and did the same. With that we officially went our separate ways.
"See you around, dork," Johnny said.
"You too, asshole."
He made a noise which mixed a scoff and a laugh with his mouth closed and watched as I left the office with my head held high. I guess this was our new dynamic and honestly speaking, it wasn't bad. No intimacy, no involvement, and we could finally be ourselves. I'd say it was a win-win especially for a day filled with loss.