This can't be happening!
This cannot be happening.
How is this happening?
What is wrong with me?
"Oh my god" I gasped clutching my chest sliding down the wall and lying onto the floor. I curled up and looked at the sky.
I cannot believe it.
I think I am falling for my him.
I think I like Ryan.
--------------------------------
The morning after
When it comes to liking someone you hated or cannot like, there a several stages.
Stage one would be Denial.
This stage is the hardest.
This is the stage where you have to admit that you are falling for the person.
This is the stage where you have to admit it to yourself.
You will have to be able to be certain when you say it.
'I like Ryan Gerson.' I shouted in my head.
Before putting down my can of Coke-a-cola. "No I actually don't actually like anyone at the moment" I lied. She studied me closely.
"You’re lying." Princess said standing up and walking up to me. I was at Princesses; we had decided to meet up. I tensed slightly "No I’m not." I rushed out quickly. She looked me dead in the eyes; she had my cornered in her room.
"Then why did you answer like that-"
"-Like what?" I said almost cutting her off. She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "I'm going to find out." She threatened.
"There is nothing to find out." I answered again avoiding eye contact. I couldn't tell her that I am falling for Ryan. I couldn't tell anyone. I just got out of denial this morning.
"Oh.My.God. You do like someone, you always like someone." She said. I quickly thought of a way to turn it around. "Who do you like?" I asked her slightly elbowing her ribs. She looked on the floor and started moving her rug with her feet.
"Errm...I.Errr. No-one." She stuttered. She was a bad lier, I could almost always tell when she was lying. Anna normally doesn't realise when I am lying, thats a quality I am going to need, until these 'feelings' whatever they are go away.
"Princess?" I asked as she held her breath. I knew it wouldn't last long. When she likes someone she doesn't shut up about it. It's cute and annoying at the same time.
She continued to hold her breath. "Who do you like?" I asked again chuckling a bit at how dramatic she was being, it can't be that bad. Unless he is like some sort of old pervet teacher or something, then that would be bad.
"Okay fine." She said letting out her breath. She sat down on her bed and put her head in between her legs. She then sat up slowly. Wow she is being dramatic. Normally she would say without asking, a long with a series of stories about them, which lasts like an hour.
"Well?" I laughed at how ridicules she was being.
"You cannot tell anyone" She panicked.
"Don't worry I won't" I laughed.
"Especially not Anna, she can't even know I like anyone." She gritted between teeth, suddenly holding me down on her, pink and fluffy single bed.
"Okay." I agreed pushing her off. "Why does she know him?" I teased.
She nodded,looking ashamed.
"They why don't I know him?" I asked confused. We only know the same people.
"You do." She whispered. "I feel so bad." She cried.
"Who is it?" I asked getting really excited; I really wanted to know now. I couldn't think who she might like.
"I like."
"Like?"
"I like....."
"Who do you like Princess?" I said princess. We were home alone so I didn't have to lower my voice with this conversation.
"RYAN!" She cried.
"I like Ryan." She said covering her face.
I froze.
I didn't respond.
I didn't move.
I don't think I was even breathing.
She likes Ryan?
I like Ryan.
"Shit." I whispered.
"Shit? Shit! Why shit?" She asked getting paranoid.
I shook my head.
"What do you like him too?" She chuckled in a dreamy voice.
I didn't respond, She clapped her hands in my face, bringing my back to reality. "Did you just hear me?" She asked in response getting excited. I shook my head. I was lying, I had heard her fine. "I said." She took a deep breath.
"Do you like Ryan?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two weeks before
"Hate is a strong word, try love....Try love....Love...Love...loves...."
His words relayed back in my head, over and over again.
"As if she would ever like you." Anna said bitterly to Ryan. Ryan shook his head at her. He stepped into the room, dropping his bag on the floor. I have noticed he normally has that bag, if he were to stay over at ours.
"Well let’s just ask her that." He said to Anna. He then diverted his attention to me. "Baby does you like me." He laughed stepping towards me trying to touch me. I stepped away and narrowed my eyes at him. "Trust me; I really hate you right now." I said in a threatening tone.
"Awww so no kiss goodbye." He joked. Oh we were beyond Joking terms. He was a mean, evil guy. I had a sudden hyper burst.
"Evil!" I whispered. He heard me and put on his adorable smirk. "Evil?" I said in a questioning tone, taking a step towards him, he looked unsure and stepped back. "EVIL!" I shouted at him, before hurling myself into him.
He fell back into the wall, he push me off. "What the hell!" He said. I began clapping like a lunatic. "Evil. Evil. Evil." I said whilst clapping. He started slowing walking away. I quickly grabbed my phone and goggled the sign of a religious cross, just as he got near then stairs.
I held up my phone and ran out towards him. "Be gone you demoed" I called. "Be gone" I hissed. He looked at me like I had grown three extra eyebrows. "Sssssst" I spat at him. "Leave demoed LEAVE!" I screamed before having a clap attack in his face.
He ran down the stairs with me chasing him. I did a worrier cry before jumping onto his back, causing him to fall forward. "Get off me!" He cursed; I could hear Anna dying of laughter on the floor upstairs.
"Remove your demoed!" I hissed putting the cross on my phone right onto his forehead. He grabbed my phone and slid it across the floor into the living room. I don't really care if it breaks it's a shitberry anyway.
I growled like a dog and tried to shake his head in order to UN posses him. He pushed me into the wall by the bottom of the steps. He looked me into the eyes and stayed nothing. I pushed him back and stood up. He too stood up, not speaking.
*Thump thump clump thump thump clump clump clump*
Anna had rolled Ryan's small bag down the stairs. He bent down to pick up his bag on the stairs.
*Thwack*
I don't know what posed me but I had but I had slapped him on the face using both hands at either side of my face. He slowly turned around to look at me, I gulped leaning into the wall. He opened his bag and got something out. I closed my eyes, I heard a clacking sound. I knew what it was.
It was a shock gun.
I opened my eyes; he held the gun in front of me taking a small step back so we were just further than arms distance. "Don't ever, do that again." He said slowly, his forehead slightly creasing. I winced and squinting my eyes.
Before he pulled the trigger, realising those few bolts, causing me a jump and scream.
Then as if he didn't just mildly taser me he was out of the house and on his way back to mine.
One week later I saw him at school, and everything changed.
--------------
It took me a week after to come to terms. I had a developing problem with that boy.
When you start liking someone you thought you would never even consider human. It takes some time to get used to, you know adapt to the new situation.
It started with the causal thought or two, and then things got weird. This was the third time I had thought of him just this first lesson. That is saying something because unless he is mentioned or he did something I would never even think of him never. Not even for a second I would randomly think of him.
He was just one if those people you knew, saw allot but never thought off. You know what I mean?
I had started writing a dairy. So I may have mentioned the sudden thoughts about him. They were just random thoughts like; I wonder what lesson he is in? Or does he remember when this happened......? Stuff like that. I didn't think it was much.
Luckily not many people were making fun of me for being tied to a chair at Emma's party. Obviously I have seen Chris, I haven't seen Anna or Ryan or any of them lot since the day of the party. I knew that was about to change, it was break now, I would soon see them.
I was kind of getting pissed. People were coming up to me from the party asking me if I was alright and telling me how they wanted to help me. Do you know what I said? I told them to shut the hell up and fuck off because they didn't and now they were just being two-faced bitches and dickheads.
I and Anna were in a different lesson, I had set 2 maths she had set 1 maths. We normally meet outside the library, when not in the same lesson. Which was where I was heading now? I pulled shifted my rucksack so it was sitting comfortably on my back and held the straps like a stereo-typed nerd. There I was walking through the corridors towards the library and then I saw him.
I froze.
I dropped my back suddenly my arms going limp; a few people glanced at my sudden odd behaviour. My jaw was slightly open and my back was hunched.
He hadn't noticed me yet as he was busy in an animated conversation with Jason and my brother, well he was until Jason nudged him indicated towards me. Ryan followed by Chris shifted their bodies so they were facing me. Then looked down at me with very amused facial expression.
I was still in the same position; the boys looked at me with amused facial expressions. I couldn't move, I was like hypnotised by his presence. I managed to make a croaking sound and blink a fee times before my mid went back to normal. I saw Anna sitting down in the library through the glass window as the front wall.
I picked up my bags and hurried past boys. I stopped for a second and slightly looked back when I felt a kick on the back of my foot. Chris pulled me back slightly then whispered in my ear. "Look down" He said chuckling a bit. I did as I was told and felt so embarrassed.
I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe, and not a little bit. It looked like the whole roll was down there, I looked down the corridor, there was an endless trail going from the entrance to the library, down the corridor all the way outside. Oh man the toilets are all the way in another building.
"Thanks" I muttered embarrassed as I tried to step off the paper. It came off getting stuck to the other foot, then the other and then the other. Ryan stepped forward and stepped on the paper letting me be free. He stepped of it; it didn't get stuck to his foot.
I didn't say thanks because I was scared of why he just helped me, even Chris looked a little surprised at his sudden act of kindness. I pushed opened the door for the library, luckily it was open or that would have been even more embarrassing.
I sat down next to Anna. "Ewww a slut." I said looking at her, trying to give her a rude look but ended up grinning. "Yuck a hoe." She said back to me her grin just as big as mine. "What’s up?" She said closing her geography book.
I hate geography I can't wait for year 10 I can finally stop all the subjects I can't stand. Well except for maths, English and science the core subjects. "The sky." I said, we both chuckled in response. I can't even be remotely funny without chuckling in response.
I looked at the window and saw Ryan and Chits talking to Jason. "Those boys are so annoying and awful, I don't know what anyone would ever see in them." I said to Anna as our friend Lola sat down next to us. "Yes defiantly, I have no idea what girls see in Ryan or Chris." Anna said agreeing with him. "Would you ever like him? You know Ryan." Lola asked getting into the conversation.
"Would you ever like him? You know Ryan." That question. Normally I would be saying ewww no never, but I wasn't saying anything. I was actually thinking about it. I have never actually thought about it before. Never, I can't see myself liking him; it's so unnatural; it would just be weird.
"No, never." I said simply after what felt like an eternity of debating.
"Would you ever like Chris?" Lola asked Anna, I turned to look at Anna. She didn't even hesitate for a second to answer. "Ewww ewww eewwww no yuck, ewww he is just so ewwww, no never that’s so gross." She said.
"Lol" I replied, then looked at Lola, "Why did you ask?" I had asked her. She looked up from the book she had, "Just wondering, I was reading a best friends brother book and was just you know wondering how often it actually happens."
"Ewwww" Me and Anna both said at the same time, causing us both to laugh. I missed Anna I haven't seen her in a whole week. Thats so unhealthy for us. As if she read my mind she said what I was hoping. "We haven't seen each other in like forever we are like toats meeting up." That made us both start laughing loudly. We earned ourselves a few shushes from the librarians.
I have never seen a make librarian. I'm sure there is one somewhere. Are male librarians called librarians or are they called library men? Oh I don't know. Look at me with my random thought of the minute I am supposed to be telling you guys a story.
So we decided to go to her house to 'do homework' after school. I knew we weren't actually going to do homework, what I didn't know is that my teenage hormones were going to go all glitch and give me these feelings.
Or whatever they are.
All I knew is that I didn't like them.
I didn't like them one bit.
--------------/
Me and Anna had gone straight to her house. If we stopped off at mine first we would never get here. Mum would be asking what subject, topic and everything.
We came into her front door laughing and making funny faces. We walked into the front room and there sat Ryan and Ben. They were playing C.O.D on the Xbox.
"Erg it's a rat?" I said to him. Remembering how Anna had just told me that he got really scared this morning because he thought he saw a rat when there was nothing even there. He looked up at me and didn't say anything. That was wearing, he normally doesn't let me get away with anything without offended our hurting me.
We sat down on her living room floor and got out our maths books so that it looked like we were working, ha we weren't even in the same class. When the boys went to get something we moved straight to the sofa taking their spaces. We just played games on her ipad until they came down.
I got higher than her on Temple run. I had wondered what apps there would be in 2014. We then played hungry shark. When Ryan and Ben came down they had told us to move, we stayed put. Ryan gave Anna a look and she moved up on the chair, confused at the sudden movement I copied her, she moved again, I moved again. We were eventually backed on the floor, right where we had started.
For some reason I wanted to be closer to Ryan. I don't know we were in the same room but that didn't feel like enough all of a sudden. I wanted to be closer. I stayed put, I didn't move. I didn't know why I wanted to be near him all of a sudden, but I didn't dwell on it.
After about an hour of us playing on her ipad, she went to the toilet, bringing her ipad. So while I waited I got out my iPod and begun playing games. I started playing G.T.A on my iPod with my heads phones in.
Five minutes had gone and she was still in the toilet. I messaged her on iMessage.
Having a fun poo? 😂💩
I joked. She didn't reply, I knew she was still in the toilet so I waited. Lying down on the living room floor I waited and listened to music on my ipod whilst browsing on random apps, basically just clicking and exiting random apps. I was bored.
"Waa,I,at" I heard Ryan say to me through my headphones, I knew he was talking to me because he was looking at me. I could see him from the corner of my eye, he kept glancing at me. It looked like he was looking at my bum. Pervert.
"Pardon?" I said taking one of my headphones out and turning to look at him. "What Ipod is that?" He repeated. "Oh erm....It's...Erm a Ipod 4? or 3....3 or 4" I stuttered nervously. I never get nervous around him or anybody.
Why was I acting so nervous?
It took me a week to figure out, with Lola's question stuck in my head. I finally figured it out.
I liked him.
Wed 16th April 2013
Dear Dairy.
Here's a new secret. I actually properly thought. 'Do I like Ryan?' Weird right? When I went to Anna's two days ago, I actually properly thought do I like Ryan?. I saw him that day earlier and he was dead to me though, still cute but dead to me.
I could never like him anyway, I've knows him since I was like a baby and he has always been a 100 percent Bully. Beating me up, tying me up with belts, threatening to shoot me with a B-B or nerve gun. (Which can actually hurt depending on the gun.) He also used to squirt me, step on me and stuff.
I can't believe I might like him though.
1 He is one of my best-my best friends brothers.
2 Is in year 10 and were in year 9
3- Well now I forgot because mums calling me, I second dairy.....
Oh yeh 3- He hates me
If I did like him that would be awkward. Why would I like him, he hates me, he's always hated me. I always hated him, thats who we were two people who hated each other.
In conclusion I just can't like him. I can't
Dear god please don't let me like him.
I put my dairy away and went to sleep. I just hoped, and wished that I wasn't falling for him. I couldn't I can't like him. That could never happen ever, it just wouldn't be right.
That was the mistake I made. I spent a week denying it. Telling myself that I would never like him, when I knew deep down I did. I said I didn't like him, not to everyone but too myself.
___________________________________________________________
You tell yourself that you would never like the person. You might not even find them attractive. People may say that you like them, they might say that it's obvious. You might not see it. You think that you have no reason to like them, and that they don't like you. You think that you hate them. That you always have and always will.
It's lies like this that make these things longer, deep down you like them, but you’re afraid to admit it, even to yourself. Because you know, deep down that you might not be able to stop. You show the signs but are too afraid to notice them.
You become almost obsessed with hating them, you enjoy being mean and hurt fall that your practically bullying them. They might not notice but you are, you tease and pick on them playfully for so long that it only starts to become normal, so normal it's natural. It even feels weird to be nice.
While all this is happening, your feelings are developing. They say that there is a fine line between love and hate. You don't fully believe this until it's true until it's too late.
You start to realise these feelings. But you don't know what they are, you try and stop them, but you don't know how. You are falling for this person, but you don't know how long you have been, or when it will stop.
You took so long denying it, that it was too late to understand.
You like this person but you don't know why.
___________________________________________________________________
<Present time>
"What do you like him too?" She chuckled in a dreamy voice.
I didn't respond, she clapped her hands in my face, bringing my back to reality. "Did you just hear me?" She asked in response getting excited. I shook my head. I was lying, I had heard her fine. "I said." She took a deep breath.
"Do you like Ryan?
I stared blankly at Princess, not knowing what to so I just shook my head. It took me a week to get out of the last stage of denial. I couldn't tell her, I couldn't tell anyone. I could barley even trust myself.
"Why?" She asked shocked.
"Wwwhy would I, I said slightly stuttering. Luckily she was to daze to realise.
"How can you not." She scoffed. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I wasn't sure who they belonged to.
I wanted to agree with her but I couldn't, so instead I just shook my head and changed the subject. "I'm craving cheese." I said. She gave a me a pervet face and batted her eyelashes like a creepy pervet. "And I’m craving crackers."
"I got cheese and crackers!" We heard a voice exclaim, we looked at the door to find Anna. I elbowed her. She elbowed me. Anna looked confused as none of us responded. Princess turned to look at me. "Should I tell her?" She said.
"Tell me what?" Anna asked.
I wouldn't I thought. I just shrugged. I knew this wouldn't go down well. Anna HATES it when her friends even look at her brother, she has lost so many friends because of it. "Tell me what?" She asked shutting the door and walking up to us.
"I'm not involved." I said putting my hands up in defeat.
Shits about to go down.
Anna realised it was serious and stopped moving, I prepared for the screaming and possible fight. Princess took a deep breath. I have to hand it to her, I would never be able to tell Anna about these feeling I have for Ryan.
"I like Ryan"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SORRY ABOUT THE SLOW UPDATES. June is coming up and I have exams.
What do you think.
Hope this long chapter made up for it
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Btw that dairy entry is real, it was actually taken directly out if my dairy. So it would be realistic.