Chapter 4 (Wondering)
I lay on my bed and wonder what it would be like if Teegan was still here, would I get bullied still or would I have the confidence to be able to stay strong and know that I'll be okay without her. Right now I don't know.
I receive a text
'Scottland?'
'Who is this?'
'it's Hayden.'
'how did you get my number?'
'Hunter gave it to me... Hope that's okay.'
'Gotta love Hunter.'
'Sorry I didn't mean to upset you.'
'No, it's fine'
'Can we talk?'
'Yeah, sure what do you want to talk about?'
'Can you meet me at the park in like 10 minutes?'
'Yeah sure.'
'Okay, see ya than.'
I get off my bed and change into leggings (to hide my cuts and blood marks) with a VS PINK sweatshirt. I grab my IPhone 5s and walk out the door.
As I'm walking over to the park I'm thinking about how I never really understood why people committed suicide, but now I do because I wanted to too. The desire to be with someone or not feel any pain anymore or feel like you have nothing or nobody left to live for, is when you become suicidal.
"Hey Scottland." I hear.
"Hey," I say back "So what did you want to talk about.?"
"Scottland I want to know what happened. Why were you sitting in a pool of blood? and why aren't you okay?"
"Hayden I-"
"Scottland I need to know, it's killing me inside wondering what is going on, please. You can trust me I swear." "Okay. Fine. since Teegan died I left my I happy place, I feel as though I have nothing to live for, no one to love and nothing is going to be okay. In 2012 I started cutting and a couple months later I was diagnosed with anorexia. Trinity was my best friend and my sister. I miss her more than anything and no one understands."
Hayden grabs my hand. "Scottland. If you have nothing else to live for, than live for me and I'll do the same."
"What's do you mean?" I ask.
"I've gone through a lot too. I know what it feels like to lose the person who understands you most. My mom died 5 years ago, and well my dad didn't stick around too long after that. I live with my grandparents and have been since 8th grade. People think of me as the soccer star who's perfect and has the perfect life, but no one realizes all the shit I've been through. Scottland, I was diagnosed with bipolar disease when I was 9 and my world changed forever."
"Hayden, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I didn't know your mom died. I'm here for you," I say with a smile. "My parents blame me for the death of my sister. We were in the car driving to a family dinner and all I remember is seeing the bright lights flash among us, than suddenly I'm sitting on the side of the road with my dead sister in my arms in a pool of blood. So I guess why I cut is because the blood helps me try and understand how Teegan felt when she died. In pain and alone. Even though I was holding her in my arms I know she felt lonely because she knew she was going to die, and I wasn't." I start to feel tears swell up in my eyes. "I don't know why, but that's just how it is."
"Scottland I will always be here for you, no matter what."
"I never thought someone could understand the amount of pain I've felt over the past couple years. I'm so glad that you do. If you ever need to talk I'll be here for you Hayden." He grabs my hand and kisses me on the cheek.
Hayden doesn't share this side with anyone, ever. Whenever I see him at school he always looks happy and genuine. I never knew someone like him could feel the amount of pain and suffer that I've felt.