*Harry's POV*
"He raped me, Zayn. Sam raped me." He stops in his tracks. His facial features clearly show shock and confusion. He repeatedly shakes his head in denial but soon realizes that I'm not lying, dropping onto his knees, cupping his hands in his face, helpless.
I'm surprised by his reaction, it's a little over exaggerated but there's got to be a reason for it.
I kneel down next to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. "Zayn, stand up. We can talk about this when we get over there."
"No, I'm not going to move from here. I can't." He sits down on the grass under him. That'll work too, there's no one around in the first place. We won't be making fools of ourselves.
The grass is full of dew but it doesn't bother me. I'm here to talk to Zayn, not to complain about where we're seated at.
Zayn stares at the ground, a small tear runs down his cheek, only one. "I failed you as a brother, as an older brother, Harry." He does his best at avoiding eye contact with me, it pains him too much, I think.
"It's not your fault. How were you supposed to know that something was going on between me and him? There was no way you could've known. There's only me to blame for not speaking up about it. I'm sorry." Nothing about this is his fault, it's all mine for keeping quiet about it. The friendship Zayn and Sam had going on in a way intimidated me, therefore I never really found the courage to tell Zayn about it. Even if I did find the courage, he wasn't all that close to me at the time. He's never been in a tight bond with me, ever, until now.
"But I did know. I knew there was something going on between you two and I didn't do shit about it." He shouts, his eyes watery and lips trembling. He knew? No way, there's no chance he knew. What if he did?
"W-What are you talking about? What do you mean you knew?" My brows meet in the middle, my frowning causing my forehead to wrinkle.
He pauses to compose himself, takes a deep breath, then lets it out. "Sam would always ask about you, always. It became so irritating that I told him to stop with his shit, that he should just fuck you so he would stop. I said it as a joke, as anyone else would but I didn't think he'd take it seriously." It makes no sense, that's no reason for it.
"No, that's not why he did it Zayn. At least I don't think so." I'm being honest, there were other intentions behind that.
"That could be part of the reason, Harry. All the signs were there, everything was right in front of my eyes but I decided to be blind and ignore them."
"What kind of signs? What the hell do you know that I don't?" I begin to yell, soon I realize where we're at and this shouldn't be a place of screaming and arguing. My purpose wasn't to argue about this shit, it was to get closure. Now I might even get more shit than I intended to get. I didn't come here planning to interrogate Zayn about Sam,but now that he brings up that he knows stuff about him, I can't help but ask what they are. I'm afraid that I'll leave here knowing more than I came here to say.
"Before you came he tried to force himself on Niall."
"I know that already, Niall told me everything. You stopped him from doing it, why weren't you there for me?" The knot in my throat begins to grow bigger. I shouldn't be feeling this way, not now.
"I'm sorry Harry, I really am. If I would've known I would've stopped him, I swear I would. Let me tell you everything before you start to tell me what you have to say." He's having a difficult time just mentioning the topic. What is he hiding that I don't know? Did Sam tell him, confess to him something that could potentially change the way I view everything.
"Go on." With that he nods his head, clearing his throat.
"When you arrived at the school for the first time he couldn't stop asking about you. It got to the point where I became sick of answering his questions, some that I didn't even know the answer to. The first day you came, he asked if I really was your step-brother. There was nothing else I could do since you had already gone and told the whole school you were related to me but accept it. After that so many things happened, my mind is jumbled up with everything that hinted to you and him but there are too many to say at once." Zayn pulls at his hair in desperation.
"Calm down! Just say one thing in general." I try to calm him down, putting my hand on his shoulder again.
"Countless times I got calls from your mum asking if you were spending the night at my house because you didn't show up to yours and I'd lie and say yes. I don't know why I did, I guess I was trying to cover for you, I don't know. But it makes sense why you were gone now, it made sense back then I just hadn't realized it. All the times I covered for you, Sam would bail on my plans with me. We would plan late night video game sessions at my house, half of them never happened. You were with him all those nights weren't you?"
I was. Sam would always tell me that. He'd blame me for having to bail on Zayn but I wasn't the one to blame, I never was yet he would blame it on me to make me feel like shit.
*Flashback*
"Did you tell your mum you weren't going to be home?" Sam for once sounds caring, for himself I think.
"No. She'd never let me, ever. I left her a note in my bed saying I was going to a friend's house, that's all. She probably won't question it any further, I'll end up grounded but I did this for you." I'm always doing everything for him, hoping he'll see how much I'm willing to risk for him. I really love him, it sounds really dumb because of everything he's put me through but sometimes I think to myself that that may be his way of expressing his feelings towards me.
Sam turns on his car ignition, starting the car. He's always been a reckless driver, except when he's with me. Sometimes I think he's cautious because I'm the one in the car with him and he tries his best to keep me safe. The whole purpose of it makes me believe he might actually have feelings for me. That'd be grand. The simple thought of having an older boyfriend who loves me is wonderful, it'd be a bonus if that boy was Sam.
I can't help but stare at him, his tattoos, his blonde hair. He's hot, he's a beautiful creature. Within those tattoos there are many stories, for each and everyone of them, he still hasn't told me what they mean though. "What are you staring at?" He looks at me from the corner of his eyes, still focusing on the road ahead of him as he drives. I'm quick to turn away, my cheeks begin to feel hot in embarrassment.
"N-Nothing." My stuttering makes me sound like a fool.
"Sure," He lets out a small laugh, "you know I had to cancel plans with Zayn to be with you?" No way! He actually did that? Cancel plans with his best friend, my step-brother, to be with me? This has got to be a dream! Sam would never do such a thing.
"Really? You did?" I can't help but think that I most likely look like a little kid that's just gotten candy. This is my candy, him being caring.
"If Zayn ends up pissed at me, you'll be the one to blame. So don't act so happy about this, deal?" Ouch. Too good to be true, figured.
"I'm sorry." There it is, me apologizing again like always. It might be right, or wrong, I don't exactly know.
"Anyway, my parents are home, your mum is home. Where do you think we should do this?" Again? Every time we're together it's just for this, I'm sick of it but I'll do it, because I love him.
"Here?" The car has enough room in the back seat, that could work.
"Always so ready for me aren't you?" He takes his lip in between his teeth, his eyes lustful like every other time. "Get in the back, hurry." He demands with his harsh tone. Here it goes again. I brace myself for the pain he'll bring, the pain I'm going to have to bear and pretend to enjoy.
*EOF*
"I was." I say hesitantly. The real question is when wasn't I with him.
"See! I could've fucking stopped that! I could've stopped everything!" He stands up off the ground, pacing back and forth, looking down at the ground.
"But you didn't know exactly what was happening, stop blaming yourself Zayn." As much as I would've wanted him to blame himself for it before, I don't now. None of this is his fault, it's Sam's and mine.
"Why didn't you tell me before Harry? I would've listened." His hazel eyes are somber, full of grief.
"If I would've known about Niall and Sam, then I wouldn't have hesitated in telling you. You hated me, Zayn. How am I so sure you still don't?" It's true. Zayn's hated my ass ever since Sam died, more like killed himself. He'd always blame me for his death, sometimes the pressure of it and guilt made me want to take my own life. You know, to get it over with. There wasn't a day after Sam's death that Zayn wouldn't come up to me at school and tell me how much he wished I would've died instead of him. How the hell am I supposed to feel after being told that by my own step-brother?
Zayn turns around, facing me. "Because now I'm glad he's six feet under ground and probably burning in hell for doing what he did." He gulps down and speaks again. "These past years, I blamed you for Sam killing himself. It makes sense now. He couldn't live with that burden that he carried around. For him that was his escape, but he killed two birds with one stone. He saved your life and stopped torturing himself with his self conscious. Sam was a coward, that's exactly what he was. There's no one else to blame but him. I would always blame you for taking my best friend away from me and I hated your guts for that. But that doesn't compare with what he took away from you. You took my best friend away but he took away your innocence. That's something you can never get back, ever. I'm sorry Harry." He pulls me into his embrace, sobs are muffled on my shoulder.
I never thought about the way he's put it. He did take away my innocence, that's something I can never get back. Friends come ang go, it's a part of life. Zayn's made a valid point through all this. I'm now asking myself why I didn't tell him this earlier. Our relationship as brother would've been a lot stronger and better.
"Zayn, it's okay. It's done with and there's no turning back. For now all we can do is just look ahead and forget our past, forget him." He still holds a tight grip on me.
"You loved him, didn't you?" I step back, pulling away from him at the same time he does. I'm not going to lie and say no.
"I did." I say, nodding my head. One tear runs down my cheek at the paining confession.
"He loved you too." He whispers.
"No he didn't. He never bothered saying it, what makes you think he did?"
"He did love you Harry. I hadn't noticed this before but he would always bring up this 'person' who he would pour his heart out to me about. Now I know that person was you. I'm not saying that what he did was right, all I know is that he loved you and was afraid to admit it. Sam only said it once. He was afraid that his parents wouldn't accept him and at the time I didn't get what he meant by 'accept'. It makes sense now. All in all he did love you and he hated himself for it. If it makes you feel any better, I only heard him say that he loved something so much once, guess he was talking about you."
Sam...loved me?
I've spent all these years believing he didn't when he did? Sam was a coward. He loved me and was afraid to admit it. He really did love me.
"I have to go." I'm already walking to my car when I tell Zayn.
"Where are you going?" He yells, I'm now across the parking lots. My feet moving faster than my body.
"Visit Sam." I whisper to myself. This is it. I'm letting go of everything once and for all.
....
Here I am. I find myself in the same place where I would come to mourn over his death everyday that summer after his death. The little graveyard is just like I last saw it back when I came here after seeing Louis with Lily. This cemetery became all too familiar to me, I've even recognized the name of the tombstones in this small place. This used to be my escape from reality, the only place is be able to "talk" to Sam. Boy was I a fool. Then again I was only fifteen at the time so what else could I have thought of.
The flowers next to Sam's tombstone looked nice from a distance, but the closer I come the uglier they look. Dried up, colourless, dead. I kneel down, picking up the dried up flowers from the built in vase in the tombstone, replacing then with fresh, lively flowers. That's better.
I step back to admire how they look, beautiful.
It's a shame he's gone, it was for the better though. I take a seat in front of his grave, sitting cross-legged con the grass, admiring the engraved name "Sam Turner" on the marble.
"Sam," I begin, "everyday I asked myself if you loved me. Every single day. It's quite sad how I had to find out long after I no longer needed or wanted the answer. You want to know why? I'll go ahead and say it anyway." I most likely look like a lunatic talking to a marble tombstone in the middle of the afternoon, I couldn't care less though. I'm here to let it all out.
"You fucked up my life, for the best and worst. You made my life a living hell and heaven. The good thing is that all the good stuff is happening in my life now. To me you were an obstacle I had to get over to get to the treasure, I've found that treasure." I take a deep breath and continue on.
"Even though you were afraid to tell me that you loved me, I finally found someone who isn't scared to admit it unlike you. But you know what? I should be thanking you. I should be thanking you because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have the person I love most today. Yeah, I said it, I love someone. The difference is, I know what love is now, what if feels like, I never felt that with you. At least not as strong. I love this boy, I do. I'll scream it to the whole world, at the top of my lungs if I have to. All thanks to you. I have my treasure. Louis' my treasure. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have him. It's like you introduced him into my life for the best. It's all because of you that I found someone who loves me and isn't afraid to say it. I found Louis and he, he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm here to thank you for giving me this opportunity in life to meet Louis, reunite with him because thanks to him, I now I have a purpose on life." I stand up from the wet grass, brushing off my jeans from the back. Taking one last look at his grave, I let one last tear shed here, the last one.
"This is my goodbye now, Sam.. Thank you for everything but it's time for me to move on to better things." This is it. I bring my fingers up to my lips, kissing the tips of them, then touching the top of Sam's tomb as a farewell.
My past is hopefully done with. I don't plan on bringing him up ever again, unless someone does to ask a question or two but that'll be it. Relief has washed over me. It feels so good, like a even bigger weight has been lifted of my chest, a burden. My question was answered, he loved me. That's all I needed to know. All of it. No need for any more bullshit, it's done with.
I take a few steps back, still admiring his stone. Who would've known I would find myself ever doing this, no one.
This boy caused me great pain, burdens, survivors guilt, depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, traumatic memories, but worst of all, he caused me to lose my innocence. And that's something I can never get back.
But like I said, it's in the past. We can't live in it forever because it's like cheating on your future with your past and that isn't right. It is what it is and it's over. No more fighting.
I look around the cemetery, the last look around I'll have. I'm done visiting this place, once and for all.
"So long." I mumble my words, turning around to leave this soon to be forgotten place.
My heart drops when I turn around and find the all too familiar face staring right at me. What's he doing here? Did he listen to everything I said?
"H-How long have you been standing there?" I stutter asking the question.
"A while." He answers.
The smile and the dried up tears on his face that he's wiping off with the back of his sleeve prove that he heard everything.
"You'd really scream out to the world that you love me?" He questions. His smile widens, lifting at the corner of his lips.
"In a heartbeat."
{Please vote and comment❤️ Thank you soooooo much for 4M reads!!! Crazyyy!! I'll probably update on Friday, so heads up on that ☺️ Love you so much! Hope you guys enjoy the chapter! The next chapter will be a Louis' POV so things get cleared up :) Thank you and ily }