Venice
Do you ever had that feeling of running away to someone who you once loved before? Do you ever have the feeling that you just want the whole world to swallow you whole and eat you up and disappear again?
I had that feeling.
Those beautiful brown eyes were the first ones to greet me on a Friday night. A heart that was once fixed, came shattering back down again as the sight of him just made me want to tear up and break down. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to build up words right into my head, I don't know on whether I would greet him or give him a smile, but the only thing that came right out of my mouth was, "Why did you come back?"
He was taken aback by what I said, the gleam of guilt piercing right through his eyes. Just when I thought that I had moved on from him, he came running back up again, appearing right into my sight unexpectedly. Is fate playing with us? Is fate telling us to end up in good terms? Or is it something that we both need; Closure. A lot of unanswered questions came flooding right into my head, does he remember me? Why didn't he come back for me at the airport 3 years ago? Why didn't he talk to me right after that letter? Why did he come back?
"Huh?" He finally replied in confusion, scratching his head in the process "How are you?" He questioned nonchalantly as if we were close friends who bumped into each other surprisingly.
"So, you remember me huh?" I scoff at the amount of irony, remembering his memory loss of me right after that accident.
He sighed deeply "I was a jerk back then Venice" he muttered under his breath "But yes, I do, I do remember"
"So what do you want me to do now?" I say in annoyance "Do you want me to congratulate you for having your memory back of me again and hurt me like it was nothing?" I felt my voice crack at the end. I didn't want to cause a scene at a party especially when there are a lot of people.
"I-"
He was suddenly cutted off by Nate putting his arms over his shoulder "So, you've met my cousin, Charles!" Nate gleamed looking over at the both of us with Cole right behind him, trying to look at me as if giving me a signal.
Silence poured over as I stood up awkwardly "Yeah, we've met before" I said casually as if nothing happened while Cole cough awkwardly to ease up the tension.
"Really?" Nate questioned surprisingly "What a small world!" He chuckled.
I was about to say something when Cole suddenly intercepted "Hey, Nate could you bring Charles with you? I need to talk with Venice here" He said as Nate furrowed his eyebrow in confusion "I mean, we didn't really had the chance to talk with each other a while ago, we were really close mates back in New York" he explained.
Nate nodded his head "Oh sure, I guess" he replied "C'mon Charles, were playing a game of truth or dare!" He dragged his cousin out of sight before saying "Play with us after you guys talk!" I heard him say.
Cole turned his back at me with a sigh "What do you want to talk about? I still have to pee you know" I reminded him with a roll of my eye
"I'll wait for you, let's just have a talk please" he replied with a pleading look.
---
"So, talk" I crossed my arms over my chest. Silence bewildered from the two of us. We both chose to talk outside since it was quieter and less people were chilling out.
"First of all, it's nice to see you again" He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh "Second of all, I know you're hurt but Charles was sorry for what he did, I know it was an asshole move of his"
"Sorry for what he did?" I asked in confusion "Why are you the one apologizing on behalf of him when he should be the one to apologize!" I pointed out, my voice raising in frustration.
"I know, I know but" He tried to explain "We both know what would happen when you guys talk it out"
"All I wanted was an apology from him Cole" I said, frustrated over the fact that Charles wasn't the one apologizing "I wanted to know why he came back? I wanted to know how he got his memory back? I wanted to know why he didn't look for me" I breath in a sigh "And I wanted to know why he didn't come to the airport 3 years ago" A lone tear escaped from my eyes "A simple goodbye would be enough"
He pulled me into a hug "Just when I thought that I had moved on, my heart shattered into pieces at the sight of him" I muttered under my breath "It hurts so much"
"Was it hard?" I heard him question
I pulled away from the hug "Letting go? Not as hard as holding onto something that wasn't real" Tears escaped from my eyes as memories from the past dawned upon my head. I had the thought of moving forward into something that wasn't real but the problem was that: I fell for him. I fell for the guy that broke my heart over and over again yet I was a foolish girl who had thought that she deserves a happy ending.
"I know it's not my right to tell you" I heard him say, I raised up my eyebrows in confusion "But you guys really need to talk"
"What's there to talk about anyway?" I questioned baffled by the thought of it.
"You need to know the truth Ven" he started to say "You don't know the other part of the story"
I shake my head in dismay "I don't need to know the truth Cole" I said dismissively "Besides, I'm going home already, tell the others I said bye and if they ever asked why I left, just tell them I'm not feeling okay" I told him, waving my hand goodbye and turned my heel around. I don't want to get back inside again. Who knows what might happen.
I didn't bother to hear what Cole replied, I ran over to my car parked outside, hurriedly turning on the engine. I didn't want to see the sight of him again, smiling as if nothing happened between the two of us. I just wanted a normal life here in London but he just came back unexpectedly with a lot of unexplained why's. Charles Delacorte was my happy hello but saddest goodbye.
I thought this party would give me a refreshment to the things that happened for the past 3 years but no, it didn't refresh me from my life. The man that once broke my heart came right back again to break me. I wanted to stay out of the drama, I didn't want to hurt myself again and I didn't want to break my heart over and over again.
I heave in a sigh of frustration and cried, placing my head down on the steering wheel. It hurts. I didn't know what to feel and I most especially didn't know what to do. The bitter taste of sadness and pain that he had brought upon me build up once again in the back of my throat. I let out the frustration of the thought of him and cried helplessly.
I knew I loved him. My mother always told me that love is when you would sacrifice yourself, physically, and emotionally, for the other person. And that was how I felt, and I felt it so deeply in my bones. I became the girl who didn't believe it could all come crashing down. Yet, one day, it did. That is when I knew for sure that I was in deep, and I was stuck. Love is like a drug, you know it gives you a rush, a kind of high that's like no other. It makes you feel taller in the big world; it makes you feel stronger under society's heavy weight.
But when that sort of feeling is suddenly taken away from you, you become ill, like a drug withdrawal. I feel my body shake as I cry. I get sick. I feel that my mind is in a haze. I felt as though I was moving from place to place, not really living, but simply existing. All those encouraging words of moving on, faded and vanished away into thin air. The thought of him made me want to curl up and cry my eyes out. It was hard getting over him. I wish I could describe to him the pain I felt as I held back the tears at the sight of him again, and then finally release them after he has gone. I thought that I had moved on, but surely, I hadn't.
I built myself up for 3 years, encouraged myself to move forward, told myself that I would never break down when we both see each other again. Lies. All I tell myself are lies that I thought would be the truth. I come to think that I've moved on as a whole but surely, I hadn't.
---
"Where were you last Friday night?"
Payton's presence and interrogation were the first ones to greet me on a lazy Monday morning. I was in no mood to talk for the past few days at home nor in school. My dad asked me the same question, asking whether I was okay or what happened to me at the party. I didn't want to answer questions and I simply just didn't want to bring up what happened again.
"You look like a wreck" Payton commented once again with no utterance from my mouth. She tailed behind me as I walk to our next class "Okay, are you seriously not talking to me or?"
I didn't want to be a bothersome to ruin her mood just because I look like a wreck, so I eventually spoke up on behalf of my unusual behavior "I just don't want to talk about it Pay, so please just let it go" I say in frustration running a hand through my hair.
She didn't utter a reply, knowing that she didn't want me to hear her say a word back again. She got the message and she knew that I wasn't in the mood to run off skimpily with a gloomy attitude. We both got inside the classroom, our professor wasn't still here and there weren't a lot people in the room so, we had the chance of sitting at the back.
I took my seat off lazily and stared into space "Okay, I know that I should just shut up and ignore the fact that you are not in the mood but," Payton started to say "I know that something is up with you and just please, tell me so that I can help you"
A lone tear escaped from my eyes again, giving in to what she said, I opened my mouth and started to say something, "He came back"
"Who?" She questioned but as she soon realized who it was, "Oh my gosh, no way!" she dawned upon her realization "He was Nate's cousin!" she placed two in two into a picture and figured the rest out with her dead ass smart brain.
She pulled me into a hug as I cried once again, there was no amount of time and day where I wouldn't curl up in my bed and cry my heart out "It hurts Pay, it hurts so fucking much" I muttered under my breath.
"Shhhh, it's going to be okay"
"No, it's never gonna be okay" I let out a frustrated sigh "It's clear to me that I still hadn't moved on from him, he came back again and it hurts to see him back"
"You're a strong woman Ven, I know that you can fight it" She whispered into my ear "Don't let the pain of seeing him again break you"
"I'm not strong, I thought I was but it clearly shows that I'm not" I said in between my cries "I only had thought that it wouldn't pain me to see him back"
I cried hard again "Why do I cry hard when someone comforts me?"
"It's because its more touching to know someone cares and is there for you no matter what" she smiled "Don't hold onto something that you know wouldn't happen Ven, please" She said, rubbing circles in my back "Don't dwell back onto the past and let yourself be hurt again"
"It's not healthy" She continued "It's not you. You're a strong girl and the Venice Halsey I know always smiles and cheers herself up that she can do it, you're not this type of girl Ven, I know you. You can fight it because I know that you can overcome it with acceptance even if it pains you to hear it"
I shake my head in dismay "I don't know"
She was about to speak up again when someone suddenly intercepted with a cough. We both looked up to see who it was and it made me wish not to have attended classes today.
"Can we talk?"
There, standing right in front of us was Charles Delacorte with a sight of guilt building right inside of him "Just you and me" he implied.
-----