4-20-14
Cheese.
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You were my conscience.
So solid, now you’re like water.
And we started drowning.
Not like we’d sink any farther.
But I let my heart go.
It’s somewhere down at the bottom.
But I’ll get a new one,
And come back for the hope that you’ve stolen.
-Monster ~ Paramore
(Thursday night of that same week)
‘Lyla, this is your father. I know you’re getting these messages and you know that I don’t like being ignored. Call me back please.’
I sighed and closed my eyes. My phone fell out of my hand as I laid down, burying my face in the pillow. This is the third time this week that he’s called me and left a voicemail. And he’s sounded more frustrated with every message. Good. I hope I’m pissing him off.
I just don’t see any reason that he could have for trying to come back into our lives. Maybe he wants to hurt us. Maybe he wants to see Mom again. Whatever it is I don’t care. He has no reason good enough for this shit and frankly I would rather everything go back to the way it was without him.
Landon and I have been talking and he’s just as clueless about it as me. But- also like me- he doesn’t want anything to do with him. Michael is better off without him and I hope he never has to meet him. I hope none of us ever see him again.
………….
When I got to school I tried to avoid Winter and Carter. I want to talk to Jacob and I would rather not have them knowing about me confiding in him. I haven’t told them about the kisses and I’m not going to. I mean why would I tell them if I don’t even know what to think about them?
I told them about Dad calling but other than that I’ve been mostly silent about the whole thing. They respect the fact that I don’t want to talk about it and don’t ask questions. I feel bad for keeping things from them but they’ve got their own problems.
Carter’s little sister has been in and out of the hospital for a while now. His family is stressed out and I’m pretty sure his grades have dropped a little. The last thing he needs is more of my problems added onto his.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Ever since Jacob said that he ‘would be there’ if I need to talk he’s been distant. He hasn’t even glanced my way for the past two days and when we pass in the hall it’s like I’m not there. When I try to make eye contact he acts like he doesn’t see.
And in all honesty it hurts. A lot. I thought I could trust him. How stupid of me to think something like that.
He probably realized that he hooked me too deep and that my emotions are starting to come out. I wouldn’t expect any less of a player. Because let’s face it.
Jacob Daniels is a player. That’s something that has never and will never change. No matter how many secrets of mine he knows or how close I think we get sometimes, that is the one thing that will be set in stone regardless of how much everything else in our lives changes.
I reached the end of the hall and rounded the corner.
I froze. My whole body just stopped and I felt my mind screech to a grinding halt. Intense, icy pain stabbed me right in the middle of the chest. I felt hot tears form in my eyes and my right hand flew up to claw at my chest. My knees started to shake as those stormy blue eyes locked with mine for the first time in days.
I stayed rooted to the spot, unable to look away no matter how loud my heart screamed for me to do so. I watched as his tongue came out and licked along Britney’s skin. His hands rested on her ass that’s just barely covered by the scrap of fabric she calls a skirt. His tongue trailed slowly across her shoulder and up her neck.
He placed his lips on the skin and began to suck, giving her a hickey. My eyes swam with tears that are taking every single little ounce of my self-control to keep from falling. My heart ached and throbbed painfully. It feels like someone stabbed me and then ripped my heart out of my chest. I began to shake.
I ripped my eyes away from the disgusting scene in front of me and turned, clenching my hands into fists at my sides. I rounded the corner and kept going in the direction of the girls’ bathroom. Once inside I locked myself in a stall and sat on the toilet seat, wrapping myself into a tight ball. It feels like my heart is being shredded into pieces-and Jacob’s the one doing all the damage.
Out of all of the girls he could have been fooling around with it had to be her. And I just had to walk around the corner and see them didn’t I? Now I’m sitting in a bathroom stall, balling my eyes out like probably all of the other girls have done when Jacob broke their hearts.
It’s my fault, really. I started out hating the guy but something… I don’t know. Something just drew me in and trapped me. I couldn’t get out of his clutches no matter how much I’ve struggled. I told him about my past and he told me about Noah and Lillian.
But was he just lying? We were playing a game. A dangerous game. I knew that when I started it yet I still let my emotions become involved. I got too involved and let myself have feelings for him.
I thought that maybe… just maybe I could be the one. That he might change for me. I laughed bitterly to myself through the tears. That’s what every girl thinks and then they end up in the same situation I’m in. Feeling hurt and at a loss for what to do next.
Do I just move on and act like it didn’t faze me? I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I mean I let him have my first kiss! And then he kept kissing me and sometimes-as rare as it was-I would see glimpses of a nicer side of him. One that I could see myself falling head over heels for.
The only thing keeping me from doing that was the fact that he’s a complete ass most of the time. He still shuts me out all the time and he’s rude and cocky. The kind of guy that I’ve always said that I’ll never like.
I thought that Preston was a nice guy but he turned out to be just like any other guy. All he wanted was sex. Just like Jacob and more than half the guys in our school.
I buried my face deeper into my hands and bit my lip hard to keep myself from making noise. I don’t want someone hearing me crying and then asking what’s wrong. I want to be alone right now. Salty tears dripped endlessly from my eyes and soaked my cheeks and hands.
I just sat there in my little ball until I heard the warning bell ring. Slowly uncurling from my position, I winced from the soreness in my legs. I stretched them out a little and then grabbed my bag from the tiled floor, leaving the stall and wiping my face with my sleeves.
I almost started to cry again when I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy from crying for so long and my cheeks are bright red. I felt my nose clogging up and closed my sore eyes for a second, taking a deep breath and then releasing it.
I can do his. All I have to do is sit through a few classes with him and then I’ll be free for the rest of the day. This weekend I need to get some black curtains to cover my window. I’ve been needing to get some for a while and what better time than now?
When I left the bathroom I made my way through the halls with my arms crossed over my chest and my head held low. No one noticed my presence like usual and I was shoved into a few lockers on the way there but I managed to squeeze through the door to my first class without being plastered into the wall or knocked over.
Everyone is talking and sitting in random desks around the room like every morning. There are a few people that haven’t come in yet but most of them are here. I found my desk and almost sighed when I saw that it’s empty. Most of the time someone is sitting in it before class starts.
I let my head rest on the cool wood and closed my eyes. My heart is still aching and I feel like I’m going to be sick. My head is spinning.
When the bell ring I lifted my head as the class quieted down and the teacher began talking. A quick once-over told me that he still isn’t here. I shuddered and my heart throbbed painfully. He’s probably having a quickie with Britney in some janitor’s closet.
I kept my eyes on my desk for the most part. Even when I heard the door open and the sound of boots as Jacob came into the room. He’s late a lot so this isn’t a new thing. After the teacher scolded him for being late and told him that he’s going to have detention if it happens again he made his way to his seat.
I heard him coming in my direction and my heart thumped rapidly in my chest. My body tensed and I felt myself tearing up again when he passed me and I got a whiff of his cologne. The cologne that I’ve gotten used to and even kind of grown addicted to smelling. It smells really good and the fact that it’s on him is even better.
I shook my head against the thoughts and ducked my head even more. I heard him sit down in the back and then the teacher began talking again.
I’m going to snap if this doesn’t stop soon. My back is starting to ache due to me sitting up so straight. I’m trying to get as far away from the demon that’s sitting right behind me. Normally I can feel his eyes on the back of my head but for the last couple of days he hasn’t really even acknowledged my existence. Well… until this morning.
Maybe that was his way of telling me to stay away and that he’s done with me. He must have noticed my feelings and now he’s tossing me to the side. I’m just another toy to him. He didn’t get what he wanted and now he’s tired of me. I’m trash. Old news.
My eyes burned with tears but just before they could fall the bell rang. Everyone got up to rush out of the class and I was right behind them. I scooped up my bag and rushed to the door, squeezing my way through them and almost sprinting down the hall.
When I got home I made some Mac and Cheese and then rushed up to my room. I locked the door and then changed in my closet. The second my face collided with the pillow I broke down into heart-wrenching sobs-the kind that make your whole body shake and then you can barely breathe.
I have no idea how long I cried before I fell asleep but I know that it was long enough for me to run out of tears. For a long time after I just laid there staring at the wall and clutching the pillow tightly to my chest until I fell asleep.
I heard a low creak and shot up in my bed. My head snapped to the side and I looked toward my window. Jacob stood there with his back to me as he closed the window. I shivered from the cold wind that blew into my room and felt my bottom lip start to tremble as a sob built up in my chest just from seeing him.
What is he doing here? Did he come to hurt me more? Does he want to rub it in my face some more? Just like my dad.
I tried to open my mouth and scream at him to leave but closed it when I saw that it’s almost midnight. Mom and Michael are asleep.
I backed myself away from him and glared, wrapping the blanket tightly around my body. I’m only wearing sweats and a tank top. A few tears overflowed and spilled down my face. Jacob’s eyes locked with mine and I flinched from the cold emptiness that they showed me. Nothing like the usual amusement or warm glow that has been present recently when he looks at me.
I bit my lip and dropped my head. I wish he would just leave. I can feel myself breaking down all over again and I don’t want him to be here when that happens. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing how deeply he got under my skin. Because he sunk his claws in deep. And now they’re tearing me apart from the inside out.
I tried yet again to tell him to get out but a lump formed in my throat and I felt sick again. Why won’t he just leave? I don’t want him here!
The bed dipped and my head snapped up. I saw Jacob reach forward with one knee on the bed. I backed myself up even more but he grabbed me and then dragged me across the bed. I tried to kick him but he pulled me up roughly, holding me around the waist in front of him.
I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks but he ignored them and captured my lips in a kiss. My body melted at his touch as always and-while still crying-I found myself kissing him back. He shoved his tongue into my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Why is he doing this? I just want him to leave and be done with it. I want to forget about all of this and just stop talking to him. I began to shake violently and my lips trembled against his. He finally pulled back and looked into my eyes with a cold smirk on his face. His eyes are still blank.
“Did you really think that this meant something? That I actually care about you?” I felt my heart constrict painfully in my chest and I flinched like he had hit me. My mouth opened and closed wordlessly as I tried to wrap my mind around what he said. I already know that it’s true but actually hearing him say it hurts. So much. It’s like a smack to the face.
He smashed his lips to mine again and then pulled back.
“But… I don’t know I-I just…” The tears fell even faster. His arms released me and I collapsed onto my bed. I sat there, unable to move as he walked away. He shook his head and I heard a dry laugh escape him as he walked toward the window.
“I’ll be honest with you: I thought you would be easier to break. But you took a lot longer than I expected. Made it much more interesting for me. And so, Lyla Hanson, this concludes the end of our little game. I don’t want you to speak to me or even look at me again.”
He left.
The room spun around me and I fell sideways with a loud, broken cry as I clutched my head. The last shard of my heart snapped and shattered to tiny little pieces.
So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken by the bad boy.
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This is NOT the last chapter.