Not fully edited!
Kai
I couldn't breathe. My lungs seemed to have collapsed and it took all my strength not to sink to the floor. My body was shaking as though I were out in the cold with no covering. I felt trapped in a big block of ice.
My Betas, Shaun and Jaxon had to carry me to the Elders. There I was given poppy and ginger to ease the pain, but it did nothing.
"I, Laura Coltraine, Kin of the Northern Mountain Pack and Warrior of the Blue Moon Pack, reject my Mate."
The words replayed themselves in my mind over and over again like a film stuck on repeat. My stomach churned uncomfortably and I raced to the bathroom to empty its contents.
"Shit, Kai," Roland swore when he saw me hanging over the toilet bowl. He filled a glass of water in the sink and handed it to me, but I pushed it away before throwing up again.
When I finally felt my stomach somewhat settle, I raised a quivering hand and flushed. Heaving myself to my feet, I stood still for a minute to let my sensitive stomach calm down again.
"She rejected me, Ro," I croaked, feeling my throat raw with sorrow. My eyes threatened to tear up, something I hadn't done since I was a pup. Not even when my father died had I shed a tear, but the thought of losing my Mate made me feel so many things. Regret. Guilt. Heartbreak.
I knew I deserved it, I knew I did. I thought rejecting her was the worst pain I could feel, but being rejected made it feel like nothing. I would have rather had her drown me in silver than her dismiss me.
The gnawing feeling at my heart made me lean against the sink in pain. I coughed violently and winced at the pain under my ribs. Antal let out a high pitched whine, letting me know he was hurting too.
"What have I done. Oh, Goddess, what have I done to our Mate," I cried to my wolf.
"Please, we can't lose her. We need her. She'll want us. We have to show her we want her. Please. Please, we need her." For a moment I wasn't sure if Antal was talking to me, when I realised he was praying. He was asking our Moon Goddess for a chance.
"She thinks I want to use her," I rasped to Roland. "I don't want to, Roland. I just want her. Please, I just want her."
I never felt this vulnerable. My heart pounded unsteadily and my breaths came out in uneven gasps. "Please, I need her."
My vision began to blur and my grip on the sink fell away. I would have tumbled to the floor if my cousin hadn't caught me.
"Kai? Kai!" His voice sounded dampened, like he was speaking to me through a thick glass window. I felt him shaking me, but his touch grew numb.
My head fell back and I fainted.
I came around again two days later. I woke in my bed at the pack house, with my mother sitting on a chair next to me. When my eyelids unglued themselves, I winced at the bright sunlight burning my irises.
"Oh, my boy, you're finally awake," she gushed, grabbing my head and plastering it with kisses. She pushed my hair from my forehead and sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand tightly. "How do you feel?"
My bones groaned in protest as I pushed myself into an upright position. I leaned back into my pillows, staring aimlessly at the wall across from me. "I...I..." I couldn't find any words to say.
She seemed to understand though. "I know it hurts, Kai, and I know you feeling like you're falling apart and are withering away inside."
I shook my head. "You don't know what it's like to be rejected though," I whispered, my voice hoarse because of my dry throat.
"But I know what it is like to lose a Mate," she breathed, pain coating her voice. "When I lost your father, I thought my world was falling apart. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even look at our pack anymore without thinking of him. There were so many times when my wolf and I thought about ending our pain."
My head snapped around to her, eyes wide and mouth gaping. My mother had been suicidal. "Mum..."
"But I held on for you and your brother. What kind of mother would I have been if I killed myself when my boys were hurting too? How selfish would I have been if I ignored my responsibility to you?" She gave me a sad smile and stroked my cheek gently. "I'm not going to lie to you, Kai. You are going to be hurting for a long time if she doesn't revoke her rejection, and I don't think she will any time soon. She was just as hurt as you and you accepting her as your Mate right after you found out she was a white wolf doesn't help either."
"I just finally wanted to accept her, Mum. I've wanted her for so long. I would have taken her back even if she couldn't shift," I muttered, my heart aching again.
"I know, baby, but you need to see things like she does. You rejected her, degraded her and made her feel like she was nothing. I know you were doing it because you were denying the fact that you care for her, but you treated her so horribly, she felt worthless, especially when Donatella came around the pack house and you didn't send her away like you should have. As your mother, I will tell you straight forward, you were an asshole." She gave me a pointed look, as though challenging me to deny it. I held my tongue, even though I didn't like to be spoken to in such a way.
When she saw I would stay quiet, she continued. "You accepted her minutes after seeing her shift. In her mind, she is thinking you only want her because she's a white wolf. She thinks you don't see her as your Mate, but as yours to exploit."
Antal and I felt a sharp pain in our heart. She thought we only wanted her because we wanted to use her. She couldn't see that I wanted her for her. "But I don't. I want her. I don't care that she's a white wolf."
My mother sighed. "I know that, but she doesn't. Your timing for revoking your rejection was not very smart, no offense. She won't be believing you any time soon."
I dropped my head in defeat. I've lost her.
"But that doesn't mean she won't come around."
I blinked furiously. "You think she'll accept me? After what I've done?"
She gave me a small smile. "I think she rejected you for the same reason you rejected her. To protect herself. You rejected her to save your face in front of your pack, while she rejected you to protect herself from being used by her own Mate. But that doesn't mean she doesn't feel for you."
I let out a humourless laugh, one that made my stomach knot uncomfortably. "She hid herself from me for weeks before announcing she was my Mate and then she egged me on to reject her. She wasn't even that hurt when I did."
My mother shook her head. "Have you not listened to a thing I've said? She is scared of being exploited. Do you know the power that comes with being Mated to a white wolf? You become as strong at her because she will give you her strength. As her Mate you could easily use her for power. When you feel like you can't fight anymore, she will provide you what you need, even if it weakens her. She will basically be your own power supply.
"And as for her provoking you to reject her, she probably didn't have the strength to do it herself. You may think she didn't want you, but instead of rejecting you the minute she found out you were Mates, she decided to remain hidden. I don't think she wanted to reject you, I think she was just trying to find the courage to accept you. She spent weeks healing after you refused her. She barely ate anything for the first few days and she was throwing up every few hours. She hardly slept either if you saw the bags under her eyes."
I stared at my mother. "But...she looked so normal, so unaffected."
She raised an eyebrow. "She's spent years hiding herself. I think by now she is a master of disguising her feelings."
I was about to reply, when the door burst open. "Kai!"
Connor launched himself into my arms, pressing himself to my chest. I groaned at the impact but pulled my little brother closer. He snuggled his head into my collar bone.
"Missed me?" I asked, amused.
He sat up and nodded, his eyes filled with worry. "What happened? Why did you faint?"
I swallowed hard, thinking about Laura. Another wave of nausea hit me, but thankfully I managed to keep it down. "I did something terribly wrong and it hurt someone, and I don't know how to take it back. I don't know if I'll be forgiven."
He looked at me with sad eyes. "Is it because of Laura? Mira said she...she rejected you after you accepted her."
I shook my head. "I rejected her first, but I took it back because I realised my mistake. Laura just doesn't trust me now to care for her. She thinks...she thinks I'll use her."
Connor's eyes widened and he shook his head furiously. "No! You wouldn't use her! You wouldn't use her, right?"
"Never. I would never hurt her like that."
I had forgotten my mother was in the room until she spoke. "Are you worried, Connor?"
My little brother let his head hang, and I watched as his tears dripped to stain my shirt as he sat up on my stomach. "Please don't hurt her. I don't want her to leave. I don't want her or Mira to leave."
I wiped his tears away. "Why are you scared Laura would leave? Do you want her to stay?"
"I...I just don't want her to leave. She seems so unhappy here but I don't want her to go. She's...she feels like... like family now."
A warm sensation flooded my body and I knew what I had to do. Even my little brother wanted her to become a part of our pack. I had to find a way to make Laura feel like as though she belonged here, even if she didn't want me now. I would find a way for her to forgive me and make her see that I wanted her to be my Mate because I cared for her.
I wanted her to love me.