"Your presence is a gentle caress to my soul."
Aahana was made to face a little of Atharva's past yesterday and today was no exception. In fact, a bigger part of him was going to be exposed today, and he didn't know how to begin.
Day turned into night and Atharva hadn't said a word to Aahana. He looked very distracted and conflicted throughout the day.
Though they'd become closer now, be it Atharva and Aahana sharing the same bed, driving to the office together, holding hands, smiling a lot more, Aahana knew Atharva still had so much to tell and he probably didn't want to do so. It could be toxic for his state of mind. After all, it would be a stupid move to relive the past and deliberately ruin his present and overall the uncertain future.
It was sometime during the night after dinner when they were off to sleep but couldn't. There was too much on Atharva's mind and he felt like he'd explode if he didn't let it out.
And for Aahana, the constant thunder and pitter-patter of raindrops against the window were disturbing to the extent that she could only stare at the ceiling.
"Aahana?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you asleep?"
Aahana rolled her eyes and propped up on her elbow, her palm supporting her head to get a better look at his face. "Yes, I'm, and the one speaking to you is her twin sister."
Atharva ignored her sly remark and absently ran his fingers through her tresses. "So, uh, how does coffee sound?"
"It's 2 at night?" she reasoned, leaning closer to his face.
"I know, but I thought we, uh, are awake, so uh- okay stop it."
"Stop what?" Her eyebrows knitted in puzzlement as she gazed into his eyes.
"Uh, you're trap-trapping m-me," he sputtered.
A wide grin broke out on Aahana's face. She sat upright and gathered her hair into a messy ponytail. "Coffee sounds awesome to me. I'll be right back."
"Huh?" He blinked. Once. Twice. "Oh, no. Wait. You don't have to."
Aahana arched an eyebrow, her eyes shining with mirth as she followed him to the kitchen. "Alright, I'll help you."
"Sure thing. Go and watch Tv."
Aahana groaned. "Not again."
"Shoo already."
"Fine. We are watching conjuring 1 & 2." She kept a straight face while Atharva turned to look at her with a horrified expression.
"Right now?"
She giggled inwardly and nodded, leaving him alone outside the kitchen.
Obviously, she was kidding. She had already watched the movie too many times with Jay and Naina, so it was kind of boring now. It wasn't even anywhere close to scary.
She decided to play some random songs which sounded so much better in sync with the rain outside.
Minutes later, Atharva was sitting beside her, both of them clutching mugs of steaming coffee. Aahana took a sip and felt warmth spread through her. "Damn, what else do you have up your sleeve?"
"Too many things," he said with the most charming smile and she stopped herself from swooning over him.
"Oh, please. What things?" She eyed him curiously.
"That's for you to find out. But right now, I'd like to talk?" It came out more as a question, but Aahana clearly understood what he meant.
She moved closer to him and held his hand in a reassuring grip. "Only if you want to."
Atharva nodded, his face emotionless and voice low. "So, uh, I was 11 and um...Wow, I'm really bad at this..."
"We have all the time in the world."
"You're the first to know. Dr. Gupta does but not entirely..." He took a deep breath and prepared himself for it. "Yeah, as I was saying I was 11, living a very happy life with Ma and Dad. Being a businessman, he had to travel a lot, but he always made up for the lost days. But then, a day came when Ma...Ma left us. She left me." His voice choked, and he looked away. "Her death changed everything. Dad wouldn't come home and if he did, he was always drunk. He was no more the Dad I admired. I became lonely. No one cared for me. Maids didn't count, of course. The 11-year-old me couldn't sleep at night. I had a habit of sleeping with Ma singing to me while her hand caressed my hair. I stopped eating because she wasn't there to feed me. I was nothing without her. Typical Mummy's boy I was, no?" He chuckled humourlessly. "I didn't even know what was to happen with my life because Dad wouldn't talk to me. I felt like I'd lost both my parents."
Tears welled up in Aahana's eyes. She blinked them away as he continued. "After two years, Dad married another woman, Urvashi. I hated her because she had taken Ma's place in the house. I hated Dad too. I thought he was in love with Ma. So why would he do that? He left me with Urvashi and her daughter in our big house in Mumbai and went back to Delhi. Our company had been going downhill, so it was time for him to realize his mistakes and buckle down. Soon our company was on top again. Dad was nice to me. He stopped drinking and would come home with several gifts and toys for me and Nisha. I felt like this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Nisha and I were very close. She was like a real sister to me. We'd play, and I'd always share everything with her. B-but Urvashi sent her to boarding school and didn't let her come home, not even during holidays."
"Why would she do that to her daughter?" Aahana asked, horrified.
"She wanted me alone with her." Atharva swallowed hard. "Once Nisha left, it was only Urvashi, the maids, and I. But soon the maids were also gone. I didn't understand why she'd fire all of them, but she said she could manage everything. She'd make all my favourite dishes and treat me like her own child. I was starting to accept her. She was so much like Ma." He smiled, one that was filled with pain before his face again turned stoic.
"But I was fucking wrong. She is a conniving bitch. Nothing but an abuser and paedophile, and above all, she can never be my ma. My ma was beautiful and sweet and always wanted the best for me. Urvashi didn't. She is a psycho. She only thinks about herself."
Aahana let out a gasp and rubbed his arm soothingly.
"Sorry. Excuse my language. I don't know if I can explain this b-but I-I was abused by her. She stopped me from going to school. She wouldn't let me out of the house. Physically she'd hit me if I disobeyed her. It was bad, really bad. I still remember everything. I couldn't do anything. No one had ever laid a finger on me. I was a good boy, y'know? Good in school and also good at home, listening to parents and all, so this was totally unexpected and shocking. I didn't know how to protect myself. Then, along with physical abuse came- came the sexual abuse." He let out a shaky breath and shut his eyes. His fingers trembled, and he felt his chest tighten. He shook his head vigorously as if he was trying to clear his head. "Get me a glass of water, please?"
"One second." She quickly grabbed a bottle from the fridge and filled a glass with it before hurrying back to him, and lifted it to his lips. "Listen, you don't have to continue." She placed the glass on the table and turned to look at his face.
He shook his head again and opened his eyes. It was filled with tears. "I want to tell you."
She hugged him and felt his face rest in the crook of her neck. "Breathe, Atharva, breathe." Her palms drew circles on his back which calmed him.
Nodding, he pulled away and looked far off in the direction of the window to see that it had stopped raining. "I didn't understand what she was doing. At first, I thought it was motherly love for me, but it began to feel wrong. Her touch and stare caused me discomfort. She wouldn't look at me in clothes. She wanted me naked every bloody time." His jaw ticked in anger. "I think it was my instinct which could differentiate between good touch and bad touch. But I wasn't old enough to realise."
"When dad came, she was back to being nice, doting wife and mother but I knew the real Urvashi. She never left me in peace. There was a teacher who wanted to help me after I told him everything but she stopped him too. She took every chance she got to torture me. I was raped by the so-called mother. Not once or twice but she fucked me every damn time I was alone with her. So imagine when it was only her and me in that shitty house. Dad had no idea about this. For him, Urvashi was an excellent mother. Only if he knew."
"I-I didn't have the guts to tell anyone. I was afraid of her. There were moments I wanted to run away or kill myself. I did try it once." His lips pursed bitterly as he lifted his grey tank top to show his toned stomach which was covered in scars. "This big scar you see, I attempted suicide. I wanted to go to where Ma was. Ridiculous I know, but I was 13-year-old, so I thought it was the best idea. Unfortunately, Urvashi took me to the hospital, and I was saved."
Aahana's thumb grazed his chin and she made him look into her eyes. "Never say that, please. I'm fortunate to have you beside me."
He sighed and grabbed her hands, holding onto them. "That was the first time I saw fear in her eyes. What would she tell Dad if his only son died? I used my pain as a weapon. Self-harm gave me satisfaction, which later became a coping mechanism. But I couldn't live that way all my life, could I? Multiple fucks, sobbing and harming were taking a toll on me, so I called Dad and told him to take me away."
"D-did he?"
Atharva nodded with a tiny smile. "Yes. I, of course, didn't tell him the real reason but that I was eager to learn from him. I had just turned 14 back then, and he told me I had too much time. But I literally begged him to take me with him. Finally, he agreed, and I went with him. Urvashi couldn't do anything. She only let out crocodile tears but damn, was I happy when I reached Delhi. We lived in Saxena Mansion, and I felt fresh as new. But the nights were horrible. I had nightmares and I'd wake up drenched in sweat, screaming. Urvashi wasn't there, but her presence didn't leave me. I was miserable. Dad thought it was because of Ma's death. He tried to soothe me but nothing worked. That's when business became my only focus. Dad started teaching me the basics, and I went to the office every day after school. Yeah, I started my education again. Everything was great. I was so engrossed in the new life that I had forgotten about Urvashi. But good things don't last long. She would call Dad every day and cry, pleading with him to take me to her, at least for a week if not more. Dad couldn't bear her crying and sobbing."
"You had to go back?" Aahana asked, her eyes widening incredulously.
He nodded.
"This is so fucked up."
Atharva let a genuine smile play on his lips. "It is, right? Anyway, I couldn't say no to him. I mean I had to give a reason and I had too many. So I let it be. She behaved nicely for a week after that we were back to square one. I was kind of grown-up and knew everything. So when she told me to touch her, I outright denied it. I couldn't even lock myself in the room because she had taken it down."
"Oh God, that disgusting, evil bitch. I swear the next time I see her, I'm gonna slap her ugly face."
"I was eventually made to do things I hated while she forced herself on me. And if I tried to get away, she'd slap me. This went on for more than weeks which turned into months and a full year. Father didn't come to take me back. Apparently, stepmother had been calling him regularly and telling him how happy I was so I wanted to stay longer."
"Bloody hell."
"Aahana." Atharva frowned. "Stop cursing and don't interrupt me."
"Sorry."
"That one year, I was raped again and not just by her but her... her friends. They were no different. They found immense pleasure in torturing young boys. So I wasn't the only victim. I was introduced to new toys and drugs to uh... um... you understand what I mean, right?" Gulping the lump formed in his throat, he trained his eyes on the mole on her shoulder and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
She nodded slowly.
"My body was used for their fun and entertainment. I felt so lifeless and helpless. I couldn't tell anyone because not only had fear taken over me, but I was also ashamed of myself for being so weak. After that, I didn't care anymore. I wanted nothing, not even the company I just wanted them to finish off and leave. I didn't even protest and just lay still on the bed."
His eyes moistened with fresh tears. "All I felt was pathetic. Everything felt cold and lonely. When I turned 18, Dad arranged a birthday party, more so, a business party to announce my position as the CEO of Saxena Enterprises. Urvashi went with us. The party was a blast, but not for me. I was numb and depressed. I didn't want to deal with the company. I told dad, but he didn't understand me. He didn't even bother to ask why. He was angry and well, we had a very heated argument after which I left the party."
"Where did you go?"
"Office. I couldn't handle myself, so business was a far cry but I had no choice. I tried a lot to stabilise myself but it wasn't working. I started drinking. It helped me forget things. There's this 24/7 Bar which is open for 24 hours. It became my home. There was no Urvashi to haunt me, just the alcohol to consume me. I'd feel free every damn time I was drunk. Alcohol gave me courage and confidence. I'd arrive late in the office but nobody dared to utter a word..."
"Have you been there after our marriage?" Aahana couldn't help but ask him.
Her question made him pause and look down at her hands which were clasped in his. He let his fingers trail over the band of the engagement ring which was glistening under the light. "I-I have, yeah. I was upset with both of you. I'm so sorry, Aahana. I promise to never go there again."
"I'm sorry too. I should have been more understanding..."
"Don't blame yourself. You didn't know.."
"So did you, Atharva. I know you think it's your fault for letting her get to you, but you were a child. You have to move on. You have to leave everything behind."
"It's not easy, and I am to blame because I was ashamed to open my mouth."
"Why should you be ashamed? It's Urvashi who should be ashamed of her actions. She committed a crime. I don't know the feeling, but I sure can tell how traumatized you must have been."
"B-but-"
"No, Atharva, please listen to me. You are not to blame nor are you weak. You are the best. Have you heard the word perfect? Its definition is sitting in front of me."
Atharva stared at her and let out a laugh. "You didn't just try to hit on your husband, did you? Because that was the worst pick-up line."
Aahana huffed and dipped her head low to hide her pinkish cheeks when she realized what she'd said. "Shut up."
"You make me feel so much better, Aahana." He smiled. "Anyway, let me finish, okay? It was Maria who came to me one morning. She was the only one who was genuinely honest and nice. She told me everything my father had gone through to succeed in business, and I was ruining everything. It hurt to hear but it was the truth. So I decided to man up. I took Dr. Gupta's help. It was then, I started to move on. It did take years but things became normal. I bought this house, away from Urvashi and kept my focus solely on business. There were a few occasions I had to face which took me back to self-harming and drinking, but I didn't let it hamper my day-to-day life. I became ignorant of everything until you came into my life."
He was finally done telling her everything. He felt so overwhelmed and free as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Silence ensued as Aahana took in everything. She knew she had to say something, but words failed to leave her mouth. Nothing she could say would be enough to make him feel better.
"I- Atharva...Come here." She let go of his hand and pulled him into a tight hug.
He felt a fresh round of tears roll down his cheeks and fall on her bare neck. She froze, her heart pounding in her chest as pain engulfed her.
"Hey." Her fingers tangled in his hair, tugging him closer to her. For the first time, he let his emotions flow shamelessly. His soul wasn't pure and innocent. He was tainted, violated, and used. But he didn't want to live that way anymore. He wanted to let go to start fresh and clean. And today, Aahana was his safe haven, his soul, the purest of all.
They soon pulled away.
His eyes searched hers. "Promise me, promise to never break me, Aahana."
She cupped his cheeks, her fingertips tracing his jaw and kissed away the tears. "I'll always hold you together, Atharva."
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