Andy, You're A Star- The Killers
"In nobody's eyes but mine, Andy, you're a star."
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Thursday
You would think it would all be easy for me. One week without Jake, just adding another. It's worse now since I know he's okay. He's at reaching distance, but I can't touch him. Not for another week in a half.
Jake says that Leger will just find some other person to pick at by then.
Thanksgiving break could not come any amount slower.
It was all weird to me in some way. Knowing what I truly know what he feels for me. He feels something, and it is as deep as I feel. I just can't help the giddy smile that springs up my face when he comes to English. I try to cover it as best as I can, but it's hard. Especially now; during class, he'll wrap his foot around mine under the table in the middle of class. No one sees it, so I know this is just giving him some relief for touching purposes.
I'm not complaining. What I am complaining about is the growing distance between us. I see him around school talking to other girls. I'm not the jealous type, but I can't help but feel him being flirty with them. I know he said he was trying to steer clear of this so called Leger, but I can't help for what I feel.
When he walks into English today, he doesn't hesitant to sit down next to me and wrap his foot under mine.
One more week and a half. That's all I need.
"Hey Dawn." Alice says with a slight smile. She stands in front of my table.
"Hello."
Lately things have been a little shaky with our little group. Especially the things I know about Jake that I cannot tell her, and for the fact that I know about her and Lauren. All these secrets and lies bound together.
"So I was wondering if you could be a pal and help me with my Government test. I need to study, but I don't get what is even happening." She begs me.
At any other time I would jump for this opportunity to help my fellow friend, but things felt strained from the incident I saw at the Halloween party. I knew about her and Lauren, yet I haven't told either of them that I did. I've been so distracted lately with Jake, and not to mention Conrad, I haven't even played my thoughts in other serious topics that surround me. "Um okay." I force a smile on her. "On one condition."
"Okay?" She probes confusingly.
"It has to be at your place."
The only real reason why I want it at her place instead of mine is if I question it, she can't up and leave. This way she can't leave her own house.
"W-why?" She stutters. She seems nervous, but I don't know what for.
"My parents are both going to be home, and you know how awkward it gets when there both home." I reason. It is the truth, they will be home.
"Oh-uh sure. Yeah." She tugs on her short hair behind her ear." My dad will be home around 5. My- my brother will be home as well."
I shrug. "No problem."
Her eyes turn into deer like eyes as a car runs over them. She's acting so odd, it's beginning to make me anxious.
She walks away after that. "Why?" Jake's voice interrupts my analysis on what just occurred.
He never talks to me during class so this is new for me. "Why what?"
"Why do you want to do it at her place." He barely moves his lips.
"You know why, Jake." He knows I've been trying to talk to Alice about this whole situation with her for weeks now.
He sighs after that. I know he's trying to protect his cousin at all cost, but he can't protect her for everything, especially the faults she has made with Casper.
...
There's a nervous tap in her step as we both walk to her car after school. The drive is silent, almost eerily. It's even more weird when I follow her up the steps to her house. It's a little smaller then mine, but it looks quaint and nice. For the amount of times she's been at my house, I've never seen hers before. I don't know if that it just never occurred, or if it was meant to be on purpose.
Her hand reaches the knob, along with the other to unlock the door. She pauses, a breath passes through her lips loudly. "Look," she starts. "My brother's a bit weird."
"Okay..." I furrow my brows.
"You'll see for yourself." She says as she finally opens the door. Her eyes scan around, "He's probably playing video games."
I didn't get why she was so nervous because of her brother.
Some cookies were on an island in her kitchen, and we snack on them while we start. We start off studying, and I quiz her most of the time. Alice seems to loosen up a bit, until footsteps climb down the steps. She rolls her eyes, but looks down at her school notes.
A boy reaches downstairs. He looks to be a year or two below us. A beanie is tucked on his head, his hands were deep into his pockets. Light brown eyes stayed at the ground instead up and above.
"Come say hi to my friend, Andy."
He groans, mumbling, "Andrew." He corrects her.
He walks to the island that Alice and I were both sitting at with textbooks and papers scattered around. "Hello." I try to say brightly to him. His head raises to my sound of my voice, his eyes only looking up for a second.
"Oh I see." He randomly comments.
"You see what?" I blurt out.
"Andy-" Alice starts, munching on the cookie in her hand.
His light brown eyes finally look up me for a good second. "Hmmm." He hums for a second. "Lets see, my wild guess is since you were 12 or 13."
My lungs fill with uncomfortable laughter, to try to seem as if everything's okay and he's not making me feel uncomfortable. "12 or 13?" I question him further.
"Since you've been depressed." He says matter a factly.
"Andy!" Alice yells to him.
"Andrew!" He yells back. "May I continue?"
"No!" Alice yells at him again.
"Let him." My voice monotonous, but cold all the same. I wanted to know what he was going to say that can further break me.
"Thank you." No smile, no sarcasm that could lace through his voice. It sounded brief but sincere. He brings his thumb to his chin, and continues to think for a moment. His eyes glance away from my eyes down to my hands. "You have a general good amount of an anxiety disorder. You also have regular panic attacks. Pills are needed. As of now you take about 2 a day, right? You stopped for a while or so, thinking you were strong, but something stopped you. Your hands are your ticks, they keep you in line for what's real and what's not. You started doing that when you were 7. You just didn't notice until recently of how often you do it. You think your average looking, so you try to not put any effort for what you wear-"
"That's enough Andrew." Alice snaps at him.
I don't even feel angry or sad. Surprised. He almost has everything to a t. Almost. My fingers do shake erratically, but I stop them immediately afterwards.
"Dawn this is my mentally retarded brother, Andrew." She introduces me.
"Dad said to stop calling me that!" Andrew whines loudly to her.
She rolls her eyes again. "Whatever." She looks back at my confused look. "My brother has Aspergers. Which is connected to the autism spectrum, mild autism."
"Fucking bitch. Why do you have to tell every fucking person you fucking asshat."
"He also has Tourette's, and has ADD."
"Why are telling her all my fucking problems, and lying about what I have and don't have!"
"They are not a problems if they are a part of you, and I can self diagnose you if you have Tourette's or not! You cuss like a sailor."
"Those are just stereotypes. I'm telling our dad!"
"He's your dad not mine."
"Wait what?" I butt in their conversation.
She looks at me grumpily. "Do I have too?" She pouts.
"If you don't explain to her, she will be left confused, and her thoughts will continue to replay over and over-"
"Okay genius. Shut the fuck up." She puts her hand to his face in emphasis. "My real dad died when I was about 1 or 2 in an accident. Mom got super depressed, started doing drugs and shît. Met Andy's dad and fucked him. She got pregnant. With her drug usage, we all got stuck with this little shit." She points to her brother who started getting into the cookies. Crumbs were on his cheeks innocently, and he didn't care. "I didn't know that my step dad was my step dad until I was 10."
"I'm sorry." I apologize sincerely, grabbing her arm for a small squeeze.
"No reason to be Dawn." She pauses, looking down at our conjoined arms. "I never even met the guy."
"Dawn?" Andrew practice my name by saying it aloud.
I look back at him, with a small smile. He isn't so bad.
"Jake's Dawn?"
"What?" The mention of Jake's name pulls at me.
"You're Jake's girlfriend?"
"Um- no I uh-"
"Oh my god Andy, will you stop being nosy with Jake's life because you don't have one." Alice scolds him.
"Stop being mean, Alice." I find myself defending him even though I'm still reeling to the fact that Andrew thought of that.
"Yeah Alice stop being mean."
"Grow up, Andy." She rolls her eyes. "Dawn, he has mild autism, he's not a child. Do not baby him." She pauses for a second a small smile forming. "You and Jake made it official?"
"No." I look down at my textbook steadily.
"Why did you think that they were dating, Andy?" Alice asks him.
"He talks about her a lot when he comes to visit."
I blush immensely. "Maybe it's time for you to go upstairs and finish whatever the fuck you were doing previously. I have a test to study for." Andrew doesn't move. "Scram, Drew!"
"I quite like Drew. Better then stupid Andy." He climbs up the steps in a hurry to do whatever he was doing previously.
"Sorry about that." Alice apologizes to me. "He doesn't really know how to have an actual conversation. I mean it would help if he went to public school, but both of our parents are freaking idiots, and made him do online schooling. We all know he's smart, so there's nothing to challenge him for."
"He's not too bad."
"Enough with my brother." She waves her hands in the air. "How are you and Jake?"
"Same old shit I suppose. Following each other in circles. How are you and Casper?" I quickly change the subject.
"Fine." She looks down at the plate of cookies that are now just left with crumbles because of Andrew. Her eyes fall, but she tries to keep it in.
"Come on, Alice." I rub one of her crossed arms gently. "I'm one of your best friends. You could tell me things once in a while, rather than keeping them in with one word answers." Beyond hypocritical on my part with what I'm saying. I've kept many things from her for weeks now.
"I did a really bad thing." She whispers.
"What happened?"
"You wouldn't look at me the same."
"Try me."
"I cheated, Dawn." She blurts out. I continue to stare down at her broken state. Her body crashes and burns beneath me. Her body trembling around her.
"W-why?" I ask.
"Revenge." Her eyes start to water, her tears fall one by one. "At first at least." She sniffles, her hands wipe away her stray tears that fall.
"Revenge?" This is where my further confusion hits.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Just let it out, Alice."
"If I do then I would have to explain, and I can't do that to you. I can't even tell you who I was doing it with."
"It was Lauren."
"How did you know!" She turns to me, her deer eyes widen. Alice's hand covers her mouth in shock. She starts to hyperventilate, "Please don't tell Cas-"
"I won't. I promise I won't." She lets out a deep breath, "Only if you tell me why."
She sniffles harder, the corner of her eye dripping of a tear. "It's complicated."
"Everything is complicated, Alice. If you break it down it'll be easier."
"Fine." She readjusts herself in her stool that she sat on at the island. "I have to be vague in some parts for your safety. It revolves around the Underground."
"That's fine."
"Okay." She pauses again, trying to recollect her thoughts. "Both of Casper's parents got laid off. For months they were only surviving on their savings, but after awhile they just got shît broke. Casper wanted to help by getting a job as well, but jobs are hard to come by. Especially short notice. I knew he was struggling, and I also knew that he didn't like free money from me or to anyone. So I got him into the Underground. I knew the consequences of him joining. He watched the fighting, grew to love it. Even fought a few himself before he had to sign contracts. He signed blindly. I- I told him not to worry about it, but-" She stops.
I already knew what happened, I can piece bit by bit. I can't let Alice know that I know about that certain rule. That'll only enforce her to ask how I know, which will go into a tunnel of lies that I can't unbury myself in.
Casper signed the contracts, which included a list of unknown rules to me. Although I do know one, and that one hurts the most. Alice never needed to sleep with Leger because Jake and Alice were relatives, but by Casper who signed it, pretty much signed away Alice's body to Leger. Alice knew about the rule.
She starts again, trying to reframe her words "There were certain rules that Casper didn't agree with, so he got angry with me. 'How could I do this for him?' He was so mind blowed that I would go great lengths just to know that he'll be alright, that he couldn't face it."
Casper felt betrayed in a way that Alice had to sleep with Leger whenever he wanted. Instead of praising her for her sacrifice, he just spat in her face.
"In anger... he- he slept with Lauren." She hiccuped the last part, her eyes shining of sadness.
"He told you?" I find my voice.
"No." She chokes. "Lauren told me the next day it happened. She told me she woke up next to him in bed. A used condom was in the trash can, and they were naked. It was a party that we all went to. I left early because of me and Casper's argument. In retaliation he had sex with her. Lauren claims she was black ass drunk, and that he might've been too. She is my best friend. I believed her. Especially for that fact Casper got even more distant. For awhile he did not want to even talk about or hear about Lauren, confirming my thoughts. That next week I got drunk; numb off everything with Lauren. One thing lead to another and-" she pauses looking down at her lap, "It's not the best moments in my life."
"So are you a lesbian?"
"N-no." She stutters. "We only did it twice. We kissed two more times in between, but that's all. Okay?"
I don't feel convinced, and she knows that. "It's okay if you're a lesbian."
"I'm not!" She slaps her hands on the table. She pauses again, staring down lousily on the island table. "I'm not." She whispers. "All my life I've tried to convince myself that I was straight. I wasn't gay or lesbian or whatever because I liked both guys and girls and it was confusing to me that I did, so I just went to the norm. I would force myself to like people, and then end up really liking them. I would get so confused if it was real or not. Until I met Casper. He was the only boy that snuck up on me. I didn't have to pretend, or be forced to. It felt real. Maybe he is the only guy I'll ever love, maybe he isn't. I'm not a lesbian. Maybe I'm not even straight."
"So you're bi?"
"Sure, I don't give a fuck what I am. I just want you to know that what I feel for Casper is real." She looks up at me dangerously. "I don't want to mess up with him."
"Then why cheat?" I almost laugh at this whole matter.
"Revenge at first. Then it was just in the moment. I'll never do it again. I promise, Dawn."
"Promise to Casper. You need to tell him soon."
"Past me would have said fuck no. Now I feel like I should."
"I'll be right by your side, Alice. No matter what happens."
"You're such a great friend, Dawn." She hugs me to her, and I hug her back
It was weird seeing the per usual badass girl crumble. This badass girl wasn't so badass. She was fragile. Just like the rest of us.
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A/N: Bb's... there's some good news... this is the last old update, the rest are brand new chapters that have never seen the light. So if you have been waiting patiently for new updates, then here it is. I know I shouldn't be updating until for a few weeks, but I'm so excited. There's six and a half chapters written after this one, and I think I may treat you guys with another update... :)
Like and comment below your thoughts and predictions pls...