The End Of All Things- Panic At The Disco
"In these coming years, Many things will change, But the way I feel, Will remain the same."
TW: talks of SA
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My eyes blue in and out as I feel myself over someone's shoulder. I face a car. Confusion struck me, however; this isn't my driveway.
I close my eyes again, and when I open them, I'm on a bed that's not mine. My stomachs in knots as I look around the dark room. "Leave me alone!" I scream nonsense.
"Dawn, it's just me." A dim light comes on, showing a green Jake.
"Why are you green?"
He furrows his brows at me.
I try to stand up, but my legs cave in. "Woah there." He takes my shoulders into him.
"Where am I?" I ask. Why am I here? The last thing I remember is being on the dance floor.
"My room."
His room. I try to loom around, but his body covers me.
"Mm mm." I hum to myself as I try to calm down my stomach that wants to concave.
"What's wrong?"
I rub my tummy. Ha ha tummy. Tummy is such a funny word. Hah! I rhymed in my head, I rub my tummy in circles trying to soothe the ache.
He pulls my arm to a door that leads to his restroom. The restroom? That's when the memories flood in. Dawson pushes me on my knees with his sadistic smile. Now I was on the floor shaking. I bent down my head in the toilet, empty out the contents of what I had today. Jake pulls back my hair, as I take all the food and drinks from today.
Seconds past, then minutes as I'm still puking. Once I feel a bit better. I rest my head in my hands. What have I done? I probably smelt like utter shit. I am shit. My breath smelt like acid. My mind was on nails.
I try to stand up, but I end up collapsing until Jake pulls me under my pits. Haha pits. "Let's get you cleaned." He says in a soothing tone.
My head rings, as I raise my arms. He pulls off my dress. Next, he takes off my leggings underneath. I hear him suck in a breath. I raise my head to him, as he starts shaking his head.
Yeah I know I look gross.
He turns me around, and passes me a clean toothbrush.
"I bought some extra on accident." He explains to himself.
"Thank you." I mumble. I start brushing my teeth with his tooth paste. He starts mimicking me, while taking his toothbrush and brushing his own teeth. Our eyes connect to each other in the mirror. His sunglasses were surprisingly off of his face. His skin was no longer green, but his eyes were.
Once I'm done cleaning my teeth. Jake turns me back around to him. He comes close to me, making me lean against his bathroom counter. He bring his hand behind my back, pulling me close to him. He looks drained. Tired. Sad.
I look at his other hand. It was black, and blood was on it. Jake unbuckles my bra, getting my bra to fall on the tiled floor. He continues to stare into my eyes.
"Are you mad at me?"
He doesn't respond but stays close.
"I'm sorry." Why am I sorry? I just know I should say that to him. His normal stare, has him start to scowl at me. He goes away to his shower. Jake pulls his shower door back, revealing it to me. He turns on the shower, holding his hands out to show me I need to shower.
Jake won't finish undressing me, so I take off my underwear. He keeps his head down the whole time. I walk up to him, but he turns away from me as I step into the shower. He closes the shower door, and I'm left under the hot blazing water that's waking me up fully. My body seers of the pain of the hot water, but I don't want to change the water temperature.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah?" My voice whines. Wait... When did I start crying? How long have I been in here? He pulls back the shower door, and reveals himself naked. "No don't come in here." I push him away.
"Why not? I've seen you naked."
"Too intimate." I just say. I know it's stupid to say, but all the times I was naked, I wasn't a hot mess. Now I was.
"You can barely stand." He rolls his eyes, and pushes me to the side, so he can step in. Looking down I can see that he was fully aroused. Is it sad that I'm hörñy right now. Even though I'm crying for unknown reasons.
"What's wrong?" He repeats his question. His hands come to my sides, pulling me to him.
He pushes my head to his shoulder, and wraps his arms around me. I do the same, as the water elopes us.
"I don't know."
"That's my saying." He chuckles.
"I know." I pause. "I'm scared."
"Of."
"Us."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know what I'm feeling."
"About?"
"You."
There's a long pause. To long as if he was still contemplating to think of what to say next. "Me neither." He finally says.
"About yourself?" I ask a stupid question.
"No." He slightly chuckles. Another pause, his voice grows serious, "You."
So he feels just what I feel. We're both doing stupid things to distract on what we actually feel.
"We broke rules." I admit.
"How many?"
"2.." Maybe 3, but I'm not counting that now, since I still don't know how he feels exactly.
He pulls back from my neck, connecting his green blazing eyes at me. I almost fall again from his intense stare, but he brings me closer to him. His manhood brushes against my stomach, growing slowly.
He kisses me softly. In between the kisses I try to speak. "Ewwwww stop, I just threw up." I push him on the shoulders.
"You brushed your teeth."
I pull away, and turn the shower wall. "Why would you want to touch someone who was with someone else recently?"
"Don't mention it." His voice growing slightly angry, but disappears just as quickly as his other emotions come and go, "But again." He whispers in my ear, letting the hairs in the back of my neck raise as my eyes fall down to my feet facing the shower wall. "That would be pretty hypocritical of me."
My stomach turns, and it's not the the shots I took from before.
Serena. I knew her face from somewhere.
I try to make him let go of me, but he turns me around again. He takes a wash cloth,
and some soap. Jake's hands go all around me as he washes me. He starts with my face, and I laugh as he purposely pokes my ear with soap, earning myself an actual smile from him. I feel like I never really see him smile. Grinning, yes. Smiling, no. He drops the cloth to my shoulders, connecting our smiling eyes to each other.
He continues on his journey down my body, until he hits my brèáśt. He bends downs, and kisses the curve of them. I try to keep a moan in, but it escapes just as easily as the giggle that erupts me. Why am I laughing so much? He tickles my stomach next with the wash cloth.
However, in the end, he makes me wash the rest of my body because he feels that he would end up fûćkîñg me while touching me there. Which I would actually like in this state.
While I wash myself, he starts washing himself. I can't keep my eyes off his glistening body what's so ever. I purposely rub down my lower region, making me moan as he starts stroking himself with the soap. He pushes me against the shower wall suddenly, gasping as he's doing so, but he stops right before he touches my lips. His whole body weight presses all over my body. "If you weren't so drunk, things would be so different."
I laugh at his seduction, but on the inside my stomach flips again.
Once we're done cleaning, he gives me some of his clothes to wear to bed. An oversized shirt and boxers. He ends up just putting on regular clothes, leaving me confused. I lay on his bed, which looks untouched beyond belief.
"Why did you take me to your house?"
"Your parents were home when I was going to drop you off."
"Oh..."
"Goodnight." He says as he's about to leave his bedroom.
"Wait!" I reach out to him.
He stops by the door looking back at me.
"Where are you going?"
"Probably going down to the Underground to set my matches, why?"
"The Underground?"
"That's where I fight at." He answers.
I don't have a reason why I asked. I just don't want to be left alone in a house I've never been in before. "Can you stay until I fall asleep." I ask in a small voice.
He sighs heavily. Of course he won't. Jake probably has more important things to do then to wait for me to sleep. "Never mind." I turn to face his closet on the bed.
Instead of leaving, he walks over to the side of his bed and lays, setting his head on his headboard.
"You can go." I tell him.
"No."
"Alright." I say simply.
Silence is what I get, but I cave in as I turn to face him. Jake propped his pillow so he's staring at the wall ahead of him.
"Tell me something."
"Like what." He cracks his fingers.
"Like......... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm-"
"Stop. Just say it."
"A good memory." The randomness of it all came out of a thought.
"A good memory..."
"YASSS please tell me." I pout my bottom lip to him, in the back of my mind; I realizes that I'm still very tipsy.
He thinks. He thinks for a while. To a point where I don't know how long I've been laying in his snugged bed.
"I... Uh... I don't really have many." He laughs softly to himself, as if it was amusing.
I furrow my brows. "There has to be one."
"Well... There was the time I moved into my new house."
"There you go." I probe him along, "Tell me about that."
I pull his pillow closer to my face, feeling all snugged up, smelling a faint smell of him.
"Uh..." He starts to play with his hands, as some sort of distraction for himself. "So... My dad and mom saved up the money to get a new home. It was this big white house. All the walls were white on the inside. Glass windows everywhere. It was so beautiful." He laughs to himself. "We moved in when I was turning 15."
"Why'd you move out?" I ask curiously as I look around the not so white bright house.
"They died." His voice leaving a grim tone.
"How?" I blurt out.
He doesn't respond at that. He stays silent. Still. Sadness.
Why did I ask such a stupid question. Obviously he didn't want to talk about it with me.
I grab his hand from his lap that was previously playing with his fingers, and let it sit there for him. He squeezes it gently for reassurance I suppose.
"About Dawson-" I try to change the subject for him so he won't dwell on it.
"I don't want to talk about that now." He pauses. "We can talk about it in the morning."
"Okay." I whisper.
***
When I wake up in the morning, my head burst into flames. The ranging headache that took place made me want to bleed out my insides. What the hell happened last night- but before I can finish that thought, I remember something. I was dancing with Dawson.
He gave me... XTC?
I was on the bathroom floor.
Now I'm here in Jake's bed.
Jake!
Jake gave me a bath last night. God I'm so pathetic. I must look like a fûcking joke right now.
I try to stand up from the bed, but somehow falling right down on my ass. I hear footsteps out of Jake's door, and I'm too afraid what's behind it. I stay in bed, staying underneath the covers. I look at the clock and see it's only 6:48am.
Next thing I know, Jake comes in with a bottle water, drinking it fastly with his shirt off. His skin glistened with sweat, and his basketball shorts lay low at his hips. Him alone made my mind dizzy.
"Oh. Sorry." He says as he takes his last sip. "Did I wake you?"
I shake my head, not daring to look up at him. "I don't think so."
"How was your sleep?" He starts traveling to his dresser, and takes out a towel, and some clean clothes.
"Fine." I say quietly. The headache piercing my head.
He sits at the edge of the bed, playing on his phone.
I can't do this. We can't do this. We just started this benefits deal, and I've already fallen. There, I said it. I have more feelings for him then just physically. The fact of it is, I can't stand the site of him with any other girl. No matter how long it'll be, I can't get over it.
I won't ever get over Serena. The way her lips molded with his as natural as ever. I can't get over the way she pulled him to her, and how he gravitated away from me when she was near us. I can't. Not with her or anyone else.
"Jake."
"Hm." He hums, still on his phone.
"Take me home."
"Okay... Do you want to talk about last night?" He looks up from his phone back at me, but I don't look back.
"No... I... We can't do this." My head shaking, as my eyes memorize every pattern on the blanket that's wrapped around me.
"What do you mean?"
"Meaning we can't do this benefits thing."
He doesn't say anything. Not at all. He stands up from the bed, and I can't tell if he's angry or anything.
"Okay."
That's it. Okay. That's all he has to say to it. "Okay?" I repeat the word, as I look up at him, trying really hard not to look any where else, but his face. Even that's hard.
"Yeah."
Just as I try to connect our eyes, he puts on his glasses once again, to conceal any emotions from him.
It was a waste. All of it was. Just like that. It's done. We're done, even if we just started.
Later, Jake gives me some headache medicine. He takes another shower, and we start to head off to my house. My old dress from last night still on.
On the way to my house, I feel my heart break a little more as we get closer to my house. All of this thinking. All of it thinking that maybe I changed him just a little. How pathetic of me to even have an ounce of hope there was ever an us. I don't remember much of last night, except for the fact that he did say he was just as confused as I was about us. But maybe it was a fact that there should never be an us to begin with.
The late summer has turned to fall, and the sprinkling rain hits his windshield lightly. Autumn marks everything around the neighborhoods as we past, when the leaves turn brown and crinkle.
My phone buzzes off, and I turn it around to see Dawson has messaged me.
Dawson: are you alright? You completely blacked out last night after I gave you some XTC.
I don't remember what happened last night before I got to Jake's house. Just that I was in a restroom shaking in a stall.
Next to me, Jake groans heavily. His hands tightening on the wheel.
"What?"
"Not even a day later, and you're already messaging him."
"And?" I egg him on. It's none of his business who I message, and when I message anyone.
Jake's face is scrunched in pure annoyance as he looks ahead of his wind shield. He looks absolutely gorgeous as ever, but he looks beyond annoyed as he sits here besides me. "He just wants to to fuck you, Dawn."
"So do you." I counter.
He winces at my words, but conceals himself, as he continues to hold the wheel. "He doesn't care about your feelings."
"And you do?" I snap at him.
"Yes!" He nearly shouts at me.
"Unbelievable." I mumble to myself. We keep having the same argument, the question is, what exactly are we arguing about? If he truly cares or not? It's pretty evident that he doesn't, but he's still playing the game as if he does. Remember Dawn, he also wants to fuck you.
"I don't get what you both see in him." He mutters to himself.
"Both? Who are you talking about?" I widen my eyes at him in confusion.
He doesn't respond, but holds his hands right on the wheel tighter.
"Huh?" I remember back when Serena was with him, and the way she eyed Dawson as if he was a predator, but there was clear attraction that she wanted from him. "Serena."
The puzzles match up in my head from the clearness of it all.
"Yes." He says lowly. "She cheated on me with him."
Of course. Of course he still has feelings for her. His first love. Probably his first girlfriend. The one that changed him into who he is today, and still today they have that bond that no one can break. I was never a match for her. She already had a finger wrapped around him, and me being with Dawson brought memories. He was never confused about his feelings for me, he just thought of her this whole time when I was tangled with him.
It's like I don't even have my heart to break, as it doesn't exist. I was someone to distract from his actual heart that wanted her.
"You still love her." I made the statement.
"No." He hesitates. There was a distinct pause before he said the word no.
"Don't lie to me." I whisper, my eyes stinging.
"I'm not!"
"I get it. I was a distraction from her."
He swerves into my drive way, making me almost fall out the car through the window shield, as he pulls up to my house. "You were never a distraction!" He nearly yells at me.
"I get it!" I yell again, as I jump out the car, heading to my front door.
"No you fucking don't Dawn!" He follows me, angry steps are made.
The rain has picked up some, and has made us both dripping wet, as I unlock my front door for the first time without any trouble. I slam the door in his face, only for him to catch it midway in the air. I walk upstairs, and he follows behind.
"Dawn! Will you please listen to me!"
"I don't want to hear your bullshit."
I reach my bedroom door, and again I slam the door in his face for him to only catch it. I don't look where I'm going as I trip over my backpack that's on the floor, and fall back on my bed, and I see him falling on me.
Jake stares right back at me through his glasses. Everything stops for a moment, and I feel his rough breath fanning over me as I stare back at him with anger and sexual frustration.
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A/N: SHIZZZZZ GOING TO BE HOT AND STEAMY! The next TWO CHAPTERS will be on PRIVATE, so again you will have to follow me to read those chapters. Later down the rode I will write non smut chapters for them so people who don't want to read the smut don't have to, but as of now there just going to be on private, okay chill? Yeah! Okay thanks for reading! Comment, all that good stuff.