In the span of 8 months the following has happened:
•i went from not drinking to drinking several days a week
•I went from a virgin to having slept with two people I hardly know or have feelings for
•I went from a little sad, to extremely happy, to broken and guilt ridden
•I went from always home and do good to hardly home and hanging out with the wrong crowd
•from no friends to a few questionable ones
•I fell in love, he broke my heart, I couldn't stay away and in return I hurt him
I feel like a monster. I feel lost. I don't know the girl staring back in the mirror anymore. I don't know who I'm seeing but I don't like it. I don't like being told to not catch feelings. I don't like being told that these bad situations are ok. I hate getting so drunk I get emotional. I have both smiled and cried more in these past 8 months than I ever have.
Looking at all of this there is only one thing I am desperate to do. I'm desperate to apologize. I want to tell the man I fell in love with, who wasn't ready but still gave in to being with me, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let others convince me that hurting you was a good idea. And I now realize you telling me You didn't care when I did some shady shit was you protecting yourself. I don't want to get back together because we're both too fucked up. We're both too lost for that. But I want to talk to you. I want to hug you. And I want you to know that the last time I fucked up. But only that last time. I love you and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to see me be a bitch. But he's deleted me off of every platform of social media and blocked my number. And honestly I don't blame him. He has a shit ton of flaws that have been allowed for so long that they'll never change. But still. With that heart of his? He didn't deserve that.
Now you know