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Dedication: Collarxbones for the awesome cover on the side. Thanks! <3
Recap: Reaching out again, successfully, this time, our hands met. Her fingertips lightly ran over my rough and hardened ones. My long nails were now broken and jagged. She used to envy my hands. Now look at them.
She sighed, closing her hand around mine, interlacing our fingers.
"What the hell happened to you?"
So, for the first time, I told someone.
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She didn't interrupt.
I was glad for it.
Once I started, I couldn't stop. It was like words, emotions and feelings I have held inside for so long, began bubbling to the service. I cried a few times, but declined her touch of comfort. I didn't want her sympathy; I just wanted her to listen.
Anyone, to listen.
I should have told Colin when I had the chance. Telling someone about it was scary, but at the same time, refreshing. I never really took it seriously when people said that, 'bottling up your emotions is unhealthy', until now. I hadn't registered how desperately I needed to tell someone, anyone, the mess that was scattered in my brain. It felt so unbelievably good to just talk about it.
I never thought I would feel this way, about talking about the very thing that ruined my life.
Once my essay and a half was finished, my chest was rising and falling. My cheeks were hot and my breathing short. I rubbed wearily at my eyes and rolled my lips into my mouth. Silence hung between us for a few moments, both of us taking a second to gather our thoughts.
"Wow."
"Yeah." A bubble of laughter escaped my lips. I sounded slightly hysterical. "I know."
"Damn."
"I know."
We stared at each other. I don't know how long it was for, but we both seemed to share a mutual acceptance. She knew I didn't want to be hugged and told everything was alright. She knew, she just had to listen and be here for me.
She cleared her throat uneasily. "Would you... would you like to come stay with me one weekend? I'll come get you and drop you home. If you want to? I mean, I heard you have visitation rights or something..."
My heart twitched. It had to. That was the only way to describe the feeling inside my chest. I pulled her to me and buried my face into her shoulder, sobbing.
A month ago, if someone had told me I would be hugging my ex-best friend, after having poured my entire life story to her, I would have laughed. And probably punched them in the face. So having this as my reality, was still shocking to me. I actually don't think it has really hit me. Later tonight, when I'm finally alone, it will all sink it and I will cry silently into my pillow, so Imogen doesn't realise how much this day has affected me.
I know it will happen.
"Is that a yes?" she laughed, embracing me back.
I stepped backwards, wiping at my eyes. All I could do was nod. A genuine smile, which was rare, stretched across my face. My head kept nodding, as though I couldn't emphasise how amazing that would be.
For so long, I thought that all my friends hated me. It was honestly such a relief and refreshing feeling to know that they were still there for me. Still had my back, although I turned mine on theirs. My chest ached and tears stung at my eyes again.
This heart to heart with Ameika had me wishing desperately that my grandmother was here. I wish she had been the one I could tell everything to. She was taken from me too soon. Not when I had time to appreciate her.
Ameika spoke again, effectively snapping me back to reality.
"Here." she reached around, to her backpack and pulled out a pen. She scribbled down her number on a torn piece of paper and handed it to me. "Try and message me okay?"
"I will."
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" a guard barked, rounding the corner. He shoved me away from her and white hot anger pulsated through my veins. I turned, elbowing him in the face. He slammed me back against the wall. Barring my teeth, I was prepared to put up a fight. My eyes flickered to Chloe and I turned rigid when I saw her wide eyes. Round and fearful. She didn't know me like this. She didn't understand this side of me. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious at who I had become. The anger fizzled and my body sagged against the wall.
Once realising I was no longer a threat, he turned and placed a gentle hand on Chloe. "Come on, the tour is this way."
He dragged her away and she looked back at me. I stared after her sadly. My head hung and I turned. May as well embrace the tidal surge of emotions that were sure to drown me later. However, before I had the chance to, something else got in my way.
You've got to be kidding me.
Firstly, I have a run in with my ex-boyfriend and my kind-of-maybe new boyfriend saw it.
Now, I just have a heart to heart with my ex-best friend and my kind-of-maybe new best friend saw it.
Was the universe trying to tell me something? Or snatch away the one moment of happiness that I have felt within the last year?
"Took you two seconds to see her, to tell her everything. Yet you've never, once, even hinted at your past with me? Gee. Thanks."
She turned and stormed from me, a flash back of Colin doing the same thing, slammed into my head, reminding me of the trouble I was going to be in with him. Suddenly, I felt drained. This was too much drama to deal with on a Tuesday morning.
"I've known her my whole life. I've only known you a couple of weeks." my voice was low and level, but I knew she would hear me. She came to a halt, turning around. Her cheeks were flushed red from frustration.
"I have been here, for you, when no one else has."
Not true, Colin has a couple of times.
"I don't think I'm really in the mental state to deal with this right now." I sighed, exhaustion sweeping into my bones. I swayed, feeling the need to lean on a wall.
"Oh sure, pencil me when whenever you find the time for me." she spat.
Once again, she took off from me. I sagged onto my knees and pounded the floor with my fist. A scream of frustration tore from my lips.
Why does everything in my life have to be so complicated?
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It had been three days of torture.
Okay, so I may be over exaggerating slightly, but not talking to Colin was horrible. He avoided me like the plague and it made me sick to my stomach. Ever since the whole Gabe thing, it had felt like every time Colin turned the other way when he saw me in the hall, a knife was being dug deeper into my stomach.
So, when I heard Colin was planning on going home for the weekend, I ambushed it. With my own bags packed, I waited in near the front doors for him to come down. When he spotted me, a scowl spread across his face.
"Colin." I said, my voice stern. "We need to talk."
"I don't think so."
He shouldered around me, but I pulled him back. "Give me a chance to explain."
I ignored the tingles that erupted through my veins, at our contact. My eyes flickered to his strong arms, underneath my fingertips. How was it possible to feel this way, just touching someone? This wasn't normal.
"There's nothing to explain. You hooked up with your ex-lover. None of my business."
If the moment wasn't so serious, I would have laughed at Colin using the word 'lover'.
"Yes it is." I said softly, dragging my eyes away from his luscious body and back to his electric blue eyes.
He paused for a moment, his expression portraying a mixture of shock and surprise. He cocky facade soon covered it though, making me question whether I saw anything at all on his face.
"We're not together."
"Doesn't mean it isn't your business." I stated. I smiled at him. "Come on. Let me come and explain. If you don't like what I have to say, we will end it. Whatever this even is. Just hear me out okay?"
He didn't reply.
"You never know," I joked lightly. "In twenty years when you're getting old and you're alone, you might wish you had my pain-in-the-butt self by your side."
A flicker of a smirk dashed across his face. A car horn beeped indicating Miranda was here. He sighed, a little of the anger in his eyes fading.
"Fine."
A genuine smile stretched across my lips as I followed him out. This was a good start. I didn't realise I had been holding my breath, nervous that he would shout at me and say no. Say that he didn't want anything to do with me.
Softly going around him, I slid into shot gun, much to his surprise. "Snooze you lose."
I shut the door before he, no doubt, expressed some colourful word choices. Miranda's soft laugh reminded me that we weren't alone. I glanced towards her. She looked as gorgeous as ever, showing many of the characteristics both her and Colin shared. Of course he was as amazing as he was. Just look at his mother.
"Good to see you're keeping him in his place," Miranda joked. "I, again, wasn't aware that you were joining us this weekend. But no worries."
"Oh yeah," I said, rubbing the back of my neck, the thought of being an inconvenience didn't even occur to me. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. "Sorry. It was a last minute decision."
Literally.
Colin chose to slide into the back seat then. I grew quiet and let them have their moment, before returning to the house where Colin would have to deal with his step father. A small smile played across my lips as I realised I would be seeing his siblings again. Not long later, we were tumbling out of the car, clutching onto our bags. Again, I took a moment to just stare at where he lives. When you see the house and the family, the idea of one of the children attending Downright High, seems incredulous.
I stared at the wrap around porch in envy. Man I wanted one of those.
"Oh."
Miranda's voice of surprise made me snap my head to her. There was an unknown car parked in the driveway. Colin glanced questioningly at her.
"Who is it?"
"I'm not sure. We weren't expecting anyone."
Colin, going into protective mode, strode to the front door and wrenched it open. I scuttled in after him. I was so focused on getting in the door, that I didn't realise he had stopped. My forehead hit his back and I let out a small yelp.
"Colin," his step-father's voice greeted, sounding strained. "This is my boss... Johnathon."
I peer around his shoulder and stared at the man. He was nicely wrapped in a suit and wealth glowed off of him. He wore an arrogant smirk which didn't quite meet his eyes. His eyes dipped over me and I stood up straighter, uncomfortable. Colin stiffened as he noticed and instinctively drew me closer. Miranda soon came in as well and smiled softly at him.
"Oh, hello John."
"Miranda," he said coolly, his voice deep. "Good to see you again Colin! How's footy going for you? You got a scholarship right?"
My eyebrows shot up. I have never once seen Colin do anything remotely athletic, other than hitting up the gym. He hasn't even mentioned the word 'football' around me before. I would definitely know if he played.
"Football?" Colin smirked, sarcasm etched onto his face. I glanced at his step father, who was grimacing to the point it actually looking painful. Oh. I see. Colin having a football scholarship was the cover story of being sent to a delinquent boarding school for criminals. "What can I say? I'm a natural."
Any person in this room could detect the amount of sarcasm that was built into that last sentence. Johnathon nodded, realising exactly that. He looked at Derek, smirking.
"That's good to hear."
It also didn't help that I had my Downright High uniform on, however, my jacket hid away the emblem.
"Did you want anything to drink?" Miranda automatically asked, jostling forward.
"That would be great, thanks." John replied.
"I'll help." Derek offered, rushing after Miranda. Colin took off towards his room, which left me standing there awkwardly.
He smiled at me. "You are?"
"Not really any of your concern."
He tilted his head to the side. "Where are you from?"
"Still none of your concern."
Flicking my hair back, I began to stride around him, but his hand grabbed my arm. He pulled my jacket back, revealing the Downright High emblem, perched above my left breast. I jerked my arm from his as though he had burned me. I could still feel his hot breath as it fanned across my face.
His smirk was full stretched across his face. "Downright High? That's interesting."
Without another word, I pushed past him and took off towards the room I stayed in last time. I didn't realise how much my hands had been shaking, until I couldn't hardly twist the door knob. I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut.
"Are you cold?" his voice whispered to me, making me shiver. Not from the cold though. I hesitantly moved away from him, my heart rate increasing.
"No."
"Are you sure?" he asked quietly, his fingers brushing over the bare skin on my leg. "Let me warm you up."
My mouth fell open, preparing to scream, but his hand clamped over my lips. I began thrashing, but he, as always, was too strong. With one hand over my mouth, effectively holding my upper body still, he pressed his heavy weight on top of me. I squirmed and wriggled as much as possible.
My face still hadn't recovered from the last time he beat me into unconsciousness. That's what usually happened. I resisted so much, he hit me until I couldn't resist any longer. And then he did what he always does, which left me sore and hurt, by the time I woke up.
But this time, although my mind begged for me to go unconscious again, he didn't hit me. He was going to let me witness this first hand. Realise what he actually does to me, when I'm not awake.
"Please stop," I begged, although my voice was inaudible. "Please!"
My nightie was up and his pants were down.
"Oh God, please stop-" I tried to beg. "Please, please, please."
I felt him against me-
"Hayley!"
I felt strong hands shake me back into reality. My entire body was trembling and sweat had collected across my forehead. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, it was painful. I could hardly breathe.
"Hayley!" Colin said again, his eyes full of concern.
His hand rested on my hip, pulling me back into my flashback.
His hand gripped my side as I screamed, feeling like my insides were being torn. Oh God, please let me die. Death, would be better than this. Please kill me.
I recoiled from him and pushed him away with all my strength. I rolled away from him, gasping. I was blinking rapidly, trying to stop the images of my uncle in my head. My hands clutched at my stomach. My vision was slightly blurry.
"Hayley, I won't hurt you."
My body cringed. Gripping my head into my hands, I tried to convince myself it was just a flashback.
I screamed as pain tore through me.
It's not real. I'm not there anymore. I'm not there.
"I will never hurt you."
Suddenly, I stopped. The images stopped. Everything, just stopped.
I looked up at Colin, who was staring down at me, afraid. I had never, ever, seen Colin look afraid. I swallowed, slowly sitting up, panting. My eyes roamed around, my surroundings sinking in. I was at Colin's.
I wasn't with my uncle.
I was okay.
My body sagged against the wall and he knew I was back. He reached forward and pulled me to him. This time, instead of feeling scared, I welcomed his embrace. I buried my head into his chest, inhaling his smell. I felt my heart rate return to normal. I felt my body not shake anymore. I hugged him tighter.
"Thank you."
I leaned back and he kissed me softly. For months after I got away from my uncle, I could hardly touch another man without being reminded of what I've been through. However, kissing Colin made me forget everything. He reminded me that I would move on and I would be able to be normal again.
He made me feel alive.
I kissed him back, tangling my fingers into his hair. His lips moved against mine and I was soon breathless again. This time when my eyes drifted close, I was met with the pure bliss of Colin's kiss, not the ugly flashback. I pulled back and just stared at him.
His fierce, blue eyes stared right through me, as if he could read my mind. His slightly red lips were parted as the heaviness of his breathing had increased. I reached out, running a finger across the smoothness of his skin. My finger touched his lips. He nipped at it, sending my stomach into backflips.
Our earlier disagreement was long gone. I couldn't even remember what it was about in this moment. All I could think about was Colin. We just gazed at each other, soaking each other's presence. I felt an overwhelming surge of emotions through my chest.
I love you.
Shock coursed through my body. Wow. I loved him. Hayley Larson loved Colin Denver. I felt like laughing because the whole idea was ridiculous. I didn't even know I was capable of love. I certainly don't think he would return the feeling. Or the three words.
So, instead of telling him what I should have, I ignored it and kissed him with all I had.
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