After some time I let my arms fall to my side, but his stay wrapped around my tense body. I don't particularly like being in his arms, but at least he's not hurting me.
Also, my body simply feels drained and I honestly don't think I can keep being terrified of him every single second of the day. It'll just drive me crazy.
And since I know, well at least think I know, that he doesn't really want to hurt me. I think I'll try to stay calm and save my fear for when I really need it.
But I'm just not exactly sure when that is. I've both had him kiss me and beat me unconscious when he was mad. And no matter how much I hated the kiss and myself afterwards, I'll admit it's better than being beaten to the extent he seems to go to now.
I don't think he actually knows what he's been doing. I don't think he even remembers the other girls and he seems to forget about how bad he has hurt me the second he's done. Not that it's any excuse for what he's putting me through, but it's something I have to keep in mind. He's sick and can't see how wrong it is what he's doing.
The thought alone is terrifying. I mean he probably doesn't even know that he's capable of murder, and every time he snaps it could very well be my last time to witness it. I wonder what the last straw with the other girls was. What made him take that final step? I don't know, all I know is that I have to avoid it at all costs.
In his mind I'm Julie, his girlfriend, and this is our life. He knows she was away for a while, but doesn't realize how long or what he has been doing in the meanwhile, or even what's really going on now. Whatever happened to him, left his mind broken to the point where he makes his own reality and I don't think anything can open his eyes to what's real.
I'm still not sure where the need to hurt and punish me comes from, if he thinks we're in a loving relationship. I doubt he hurt her like that if he was normal back then.
But then again, I don't know if he was normal back then. I don't know wether she ran away or he killed her too, and if she ran away, I've no idea why.
There's so many unanswered questions. And even if I got the answers I don't think it'd do me much good. This is how he is now and knowing his past wont change that.
I'm not sure what to do, I didn't know Julie and I don't know what he wants from me. The only thing I can do is stay submissive and quite, which is fitting for this new emotionless state my body has found it self in.
"Um" I say when I finally come to the conclusion that he's not going to move any time soon, "Can I have some food?"
He reluctantly loosens the hold he has on me, but only enough so that he can look down at me. His face doesn't give anything away, until a sad smile breaks through. I'm guessing he was hoping for me to say something else. Something that would convince him I didn't mean what I said earlier.
But I did mean it, every word. And besides, I think a hug is good enough considering the situation. I'll admit it's very weird and uncomfortable, to be close to him like this. I know he has forced his dick down my throat, but this is different. This is a loving gesture, and the first of which where I actually have participated without being driven with fear.
He nods and takes my hand, leading me out his office and towards the kitchen. The only thing I can focus on right now is the fact that my hand is in his and before I can overthink it, I lace out fingers together. I know this is the right thing to do, but I can't think about it too much or I'll drown in self pity and -hatred.
He slows for a second to looks down at our hands, but only gives my hand a squeeze before he looks away. As we walk, I look up at him and see the smile etched onto his face. I definitely did the right thing.
"Just sit down and wait, I'll make you something to eat love" he says and I know he's forgotten about the marks on my body. I decide not to tell him, but I'm not risking the pain of trying to sit on the hard chair either.
So here I am just standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, watching him prepare the food.
I can't help but wonder if the way he's acting now is his true self. If that was how he used to be with Julie all the time. He did tell me once that he gave her everything and did everything she wanted. Anyway, none of that matters now.
Soon he's done and hands me a plate with a sandwich and chips on it. I give him a small smile as I take it and put it down on the counter, before I start eating. My hunger intensifies when I take the first bite and I quickly take another one.
"You don't want to sit down?" He asks and I swallow the food in my mouth before I answer him, "no I'm fine standing" I simply say.
His eyes widen a bit in what seems like realization, but he doesn't say anything further. I think he knows why I can't sit, but I also think he doesn't want to see how much of a mess my body is after his assault.
You can only just make out the bandages from where his shirt ends. And as long as he doesn't see it, he can pretend it didn't happen I guess. Out of sight out of mind, right?
He doesn't say anything else while I'm eating, but I can feel his stare on me. He seems guarded, and I know I need to do something to make sure that whatever he's holding back now doesn't turn into anger later.
When I'm done I take my plate to the sink, and I can't help the content feeling I get when my stomach is finally full.
I wash it up and turn around to see Harold standing in the same spot still looking at me. I can't take it any more, I need to know.
"What are you thinking about?" I ask as I walk closer to him carefully. When I'm within arms reach he lifts his hand and let it caress my cheek, before gently pushing a piece of hair behind my ear. My eyes doesn't leave his while he does this, I'm looking for any sign that he might suddenly change.
He doesn't, instead he focuses on my eyes with such an intense gaze that it leaves me uncomfortable, and asks: "You know I love you right?" His hands cups my cheek.
His voice sound so sincere and scared, and his eyes contain a vulnerability that seems foreign to his green eyes. His stare has my body wanting to squirm out of his hold but I will myself to stay where I am.
I keep our eye contact and slowly nod my head. I can't get myself to speak. I'm afraid that if I do he'll expect me to say it back, and I don't even want to think about the actions that will follow if those words leave my mouth.
He's the one breaking our stare, as he moves his hand slightly to trace his thumb over my bottom lip, that I only now realize is being hold captive by my teeth. I quickly let go of it and his eyes travel back to mine.
I'm very aware of how close our bodies have become within the last few seconds. His eyes holds uncertainty and a silent question of consent. I know what's about to come.
Still, when his warm lips press against mine I can't help the surprise that follows when I realize that I didn't even flinch.