It's Monday. But my body is slowly adapting to this. This craziness we call me life. The past few weeks have been crazy. I am on such a routine I think I have gone stir crazy. Last week was spring break so Kate decided she was going to camp out at the hospital everyday with me. We ate so much food and binged watched Gilmore Girls. It felt so good to laugh. Jacqueline is feeling confident that this time the cancer really is gone. Kate basically lived at the hospital with me and occasionally Michael would stop by and hang for a bit. Kathy was away on a trip. She insisted that she stay but I told her that if one us did not have an enjoyable spring break, I would kill someone. Kate double insisted that she go on the trip. Michael does this thing every Monday where he creates a little date night for us in my hospital room. We have done movie nights, coloring night, and one time he tried to take me to paris. He put those fake stars on my ceiling and brought those fake little tea candles and we sat there and ate french toast. Hospital french toast is possibly the worst thing I have ever tasted. Kate came back in my room aftr he left. Since spending so much time with me, she has been considering becoming a nurse. Helen and her have intersting conversations about nursing.
April 7
Today was a weird day. I woke up at 3 a.m. Carson was holding my hand and I have no clue where the hell Kate was. I just looked at him. I sat up and he sat at the end of my bed. I looked at him and just said " how and what?"
He explained to me that his buddy Nash's mom works nights at the hospital and Nash had convinced his mom to let them in. Nash was out in the hallway talking to Kate. How the hell? I must of said that out loud because Carson responded. You didn't hear, they really like each other. I said "we use to really like each other." I shed a tear or two. "Carson, why are you here. You know we are over. You chose claire. You cause me to have a panic attack in my entryway. I gave you my heart and you threw it away. Please just go. I am not prepared to do this right now."
I fell back asleep. And woke up at 8a.m. to Michael holding my hand. I looked at him. "Carson called me. He told me that he stopped by to see you, and that you basically told him to fuck off. You kill me. I love you Spencer."
April 12
I put my laptop in my backpack and looked at Kathy and Michael and said lets blow this popsicle stand bitches. Yeah. I have gained the mouth of a sailor. We walked out of the hospital, Michael and I holding hands and walking. He would not let me carry any of my bags. As we walked through the automatic doors, and I stepped outdoors for the first time in a month. I felt like I could actually breath. Michael helped me get into the car. This round of chemo really did me in. I am lacking in strength. We sat in the car, and Kathy drove us home. I began to walk in the door and saw the stairs to my room. WoW. Lots of stairs. Have there always been this many stairs. Michael grabbed me and picked me up like I was a princess and carried me to my room. We sat there in my bed. I looked around my room. It seemed so weird to be here again. Kate came over. Her and I sat in my bed and Michael sat on my floor. Kate's phone buzzed. Then Michael's. They both looked at eachother with huge eyes. Kate said it was time for her to go home because she needed to do her laundry. Michael came and sat with me. He kissed my hair.
I need to go outside
Okay we can go
Michael carried me downstairs and out onto the patio. And for some strange reason the next words came out and I wish I could take them out. But I cannot and now its all I can think about. This moment will not stop replaying in my head.
Michael, I've been thinking about us and marriage.
Who says that. A crazy lady. A COMPLETELY INSANE OFF HER ROCKER LADY.