Chemo Therapy during 3rd Period

March 4

You know when you were younger and you had that stuffed animal that was so good when you had it but then you would lose it and look for it, but because you lost it, you would gain something. That's how I would describe Zeke.

A little recap on Zeke since this is my first time mentioning him in my journal. Zeke and I had gone through the same school and in my 8th grade year he was a 7th grader. We had band together and he sat in front of me. We soon realized we liked them same things. There was this girl named Helen who sat next to me and her and I were best friends at the time. Anyway, us three would have so much fun bring chips and salsa to class. Zeke would always show up late with us. He and I began to text every day after school. He became my eighth grade crush. Every year our school goes to a band competition and both Zeke and I got to go. The whole way up we texted and at all the stops along the way we would find each other and hang out. We got up there and we hung out some more. My friends didn't believe me when I said that I thought he had a crush on me. Until, when he had over 30 seats to choose from and he chose to sit next to me. I was super nervous because I had to play this huge instrument that no one really ever taught me how to play. He comforted me and told me that he knew I would be great. After watching multiple performances, we were dismissed for dinner and Zeke disappeared. My friends and I were walking down to the cafeteria area, when I felt someone get super close to me. It was Zeke's best friend Benji. He looked at me and said "who are you texted Zeke?" "NO" We went to dinner and Zeke sat with us and so did his peculiar friends. The bread sticks were burnt so we turned it into more of a sword fight and had fun with it. That night we went our separate ways and he texted me on his way home. Flash forward to my eighth grade graduation, he didn't come because he claimed he didn't have a white shirt to wear for the band. I'd be lying if I didn't say my feelings were slightly hurt. Flash forward to Valentine's day 2014. I am at a basketball game. A friend of Zeke and I's named Trey comes up to me. He tells me how Zeke has a crush on me and that he wants to ask me out and wants to kiss me. Which was interesting for me to hear. I believed it and I developed more feeling for him. I saw Zeke more and more. He always acted strange but I thought nothing of it. People were always asking me if he and I were dating. I thought he had put the thought in their heads. (Wow this is along story). That summer of my freshman year, I asked Kate to find out for me if he liked me. He apparently NEVER had feelings for me.

To tie this all back to present day, he has shown up again. I think he is wanting to be friends again. HOW CAN I BE FRIENDS WITH HIM? My life is already a mess I do not need something else to get thrown into this pot of hot mess I call my life.

This week was a rough one besides the whole Zeke endeavor. I decided to go see my parents. I got there, checked in and saw them.... I broke the news to them. My cancer is not all the way gone. There are still some cancer cells inside my body. I am not completely in the clear. The visit with my parents went okay. My mom looks depressed and so does my dad.

Carson and I are still somewhat flirting back and forth. I really think I like him. He treats me the same way he always has. He sees me as a person, not a charity project.

Kate and Taylor are amazing! They took me clothes shopping and we had fun. It was like the good ole times. By good ole times I mean about 2 1/2 months ago. When cancer was just something that I knew about. I never thought I would actually get diagnosed again.

Kathy and I are doing well. She makes me go to group therapy every week. There was this girl I remembered from my first visit there. She had died. The guy who was I guess who can say is in charge, asked us what is the one thing we want to be remembered for.... What do I want to be remembered for? My looks? My grades? My crazy/weird family? When it finally gets to me. I just look around the room hoping something sparks me. Suddenly I say these words without any thought: "I want to be remembered as the girl who looked at the world through eyes that wanted to change the world into a better place. " I was asked to elaborate. " Everyone, expects us that once we leave the hospital or one of the group sessions, to be normal. I want people to see us as people. Not just an organism that has cancer inside it." The head guy just nodded and asked the next person. Kathy is extremely proud of me. She makes me every day remind myself that today I am here not because I want to be here, but because someone on this earth needs me and to not take that for granted.

I have learned to deal with the cards I am dealt. Granted I hope I get dealt the boyfriend card and that boyfriend is Carson. Call me boy crazy all you want, but right now if I had 3 wishes, I would wish for Carson to ask me out.