Chemo Therapy during 3rd Period

October 20

It's suppose to be the most sterile place. A pure place. But instead the grim reaper walks the halls like a security guard looking in every room wondering who will be his next victims. The small infant just born to the couple who had been trying for 7 years to have that child. The grandma whose granddaughter was graduating from med school tomorrow. Or how about the 7 year old boy who was complaining of having headaches, when really it was his tumor in his brain. But let's not forget the 18 year old girl who sat in the board room staring at two pamphlets. A pamphlet about life with leukemia and one about how to properly tell your family you've decided to die.

I stood up, opened my water bottle took a drink . I began to walk around the room I looked at all of the doctors and med students and little residents. I got back to my seat and slammed the plastic water bottle on the table. I looked up and gave possibly the longest rant I have ever given and it might of gone something like this:
You mean to tell me that this is it. My options are to go through chemotherapy for a third time or die. You all realize that this will be my third time. I am only 18 years old. You have got to be shitting me. I stare at the med students and residence, you guys want to work in medicine right? You want to change the world? Well you all are doing a shitting job. All of you! You mean to tell me there are no other options? That this is my only option? I don't think you get it. I have lost everything. I have nothing. My friends left me. They all went off to college. They have lives. My boyfriend gave me a promise ring and is mad that I haven't come to visit. When he has been able to visit me. And I keep having to tell him that you idiots won't let me on a plane. How is this possible? The technology and resources you all have and you are going with chemotherapy?
(I look at the cocky med student who I hate because of how he treats me) You, why are you even here? I can't even stand you. I feel like none of you get this, I lost my friends, I lost my lifelong dream.  I have no social life, no work life, and no school life. You all took away basketball from me last year. Do any of you know how many universities I had looking at me? 10. Ten universities will willing to give me full ride scholarships to come play for them, guess how many I had once I told some of them my junior year I had to not finish the rest of the season? 4. And those 4 left me a year ago when I told them I wouldn't be playing my senior year. Don't get me wrong I understand you all have a tough job and that you are humans too. But guess what I have leukemia and I am tired of fighting. I am tired of not living. Do you know how many hours I have spent here? Do you? Do you know how many school events I didn't get to go to because you were all scared someone might cough or sneeze at those events? You call yourselves doctors all I see are scaredy cats who are so scared of taking a risk that they are willing to lose a life. I'm done being a patient of the hospital. I am choosing to be transferred to another one. You were the worst team I have ever played on.
(I looked at Jacqueline, who had a sad teary eyed look on her face) You made me believe that I would live. You convinced me I would beat cancer, that I could have a normal life. But really you were just lying to me. How do you sleep at night? I hope you are happy, I am alive but I am not living. (At this point the headhancho of the hospital stood up and walked to the window) Don't you dare tell me that this isn't their faults. Because it is, they should have looked harder.

So ya... I ranted. After what felt like 2 hours but was really 25 minutes of no one speaking. I looked around the room, got up, Kathy followed me. We walked down the hall, into the elevator, and out one of the entrances. Once in her car and about a block away from the hospital, Kathy looked at me and smiled "exactly how we practiced."  My phone buzzed.

Heyy Helen.

-Hi sweet girl. Your speech in there was absolutely amazing. Jacqueline is more inspired than ever. Also the board of the hospital is now more involved than ever. They know what they did was wrong and they are so scared that you might sue.

I cannot believe I went along with your plan. I feel so bad for hurting Jacqueline.

-Its okay. She needed this push. Listen I love you and I am so proud of you. Bye

Its raining today. Just like it always does in Seattle. I move the ring on my finger with my thumb. I really miss Carson. He has not even been able to visit yet. I know in my rant early that I mentioned that he had, but he has not had time. Basketball is all he really has time for anymore. He gets up, works out, goes to class, eats, has practice, goes to class, studies and goes to bed. I think he really realized how sick I am. His buddies have girlfriends too and all of them go to school together. These girls are able to do all these things with their boyfriends. They have all this energy and strong immune systems. I feel bad which is why is was time for me to really push my team of doctors. I really do not want to do another round of chemo. 

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Yesterday was really hard. I woke up this morning to Kathy there with my morning pills. I am sitting here now in bed doing online shopping. I really want to buy this cute dress, but I do not have an event to wear it to. Carson wants to video chat.

Hey Carson.

-Hi Spence! How are you doing?

I am good. A little tired but good. ( I saw the way it looked at me. I realized that he has not seen me in about 3 weeks. We had texted and talked on the phone but I had not video chatted with him) 

-Spence, really how are you doing?

I am fine Carson. Its just how the medical trial goes. I will probably get worse before I get better. Do not worry. I am going to live a long time. You will get to get down on one knee. You will get to watch me walk down the isle and be at the other end. We will grow old together.

-Spence, I have been thinking that you have not been telling me the whole truth about you. What is actually going on?

Carson.

-Spencer you and my mom have been keeping something from me.

(I felt the tears swell up in my eyes and I knew it was time to tell him the whole truth) You are right Carson. I have not been telling you about my health problems because I am not doing good. Carson my leukemia is getting worse, and my team of doctors think I need to do another round of chemo. If I do not do this round of chemo or if another option or treatment does not come up, than the expiration date of me gets set. It would be in about 6 months. My body is not doing well. I had to basically yell at my team of doctors yesterday to get them to listen to me.  I have to hope that they will fight with me in this battle against leukemia. I did not want to tell you because I did not want to ruin your freshman year of college, and your basketball experience. I am so sorry Carson.

(He just looked at me. He had big tears in his eyes. He was looking down, moving his hands in a nervous sort of way. In this moment it hit me, his mom is down there for a visit and I bet he thinks I was with her.)

-Spence, 6 months? Spence. I cannot believe this is happening. I love you. WHAT? HOW?

Carson. I love you too. We are working on it. I am not ready to leave you do not worry I will not be leaving you anytime soon.

In walked his roommates and I told him I loved him and would call him later. Kathy walked into the room. I knew she heard everything I just told him. She sat on my bed. "Spencer, Dr. Jacqueline called just a moment ago. They have another plan. But the odds of you surviving are next to nothing and even then they do not think it will really work. She truly believes chemo is your best option." 

I am not ready for this. I am not ready to say goodbye to everyone. I do not have much energy left in me. 3rd chemotherapy session.  I cannot do this. Everyone wants me to fight so hard, but there is not much fight left in me. Kathy knows how I feel and she has told me that maybe I should just give Carson back the ring, and let him find another girl. That maybe I am not his girl. That maybe I was suppose to be his Rosaline before his Juliet. The hardest part of the whole thing is I cannot be mad or anything because it very well could be the truth. 

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed, watching movies and tv shows on Netflix. Looking out my window know that the grime reaper is watching me. He is just waiting for me, even I am waiting for him to just come get me.