Chemo Therapy during 3rd Period

August 7

I got to see Tanner today. She is doing really well. She was telling me all about how her friends came to see her yesterday and how they couldn't believe all she was going through and how they felt so bad for her, then she looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I was catching up on Thursday from all the social media drama I had missed. Do you know what they were doing? Hanging out with all these really cute boys and my rude friend Kenzie had her arm around Eric. And he was looking at her with puppy eyes. I hope they are not a thing. THIS IS NOT FAIR SPENCER. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS."

"I'm sorry Tanner. This really sucks, trust me I know. I hated when my friends were out having fun and I was stuck at home trying to make sure I didn't die."

Then she tells me "Guess what? My parents want me to go to some stupid group therapy and talk about my feelings. Have you ever been to one of those? They are terrible. No one actually wants to talk about their cancer. No one wants to really say how they actually feel."

A knock at the door stops her. Its her nurse. She says hi to me and is glad I am here visiting.

I spend most of my day there. Talking to her and listening to her. I couldn't imagine going through this at her age. I can barely handle all of this and I am 17. How is a 13 year old suppose to handle this, she told me about how her school she went to was having a dance. She really wants to go, but doesn't know if she can. She says that for those few days in the ICU, her parents decided that she needs to be more careful on where she goes. Once she is out of the hospital to keep her safe and her health at a good level.

I left there around 4:30, she was tired and I knew she needed to sleep. She was in the middle of a tough fight. I left her a note saying I was always one call away no matter the time or the day. I drove home and sat in my driveway. I cried, I don't understand this anymore. WHY? WHY US? I walked into my house and saw a note on the endtable.

Dear Spencer,

Your parents called today. They aren't coming home, ever. Your grandma was here. As you know her and I don't get along very well. I know you are so strong and can handle this change. She came by to tell me that your parents signed what are called abandonment papers. Meaning they gave you up. I instantly called them and your parents and I had it out. I asked them why they chose now. They said it would be easier if they let you go now rather than if you died.

I know you are sad. But don't be. Because now girlie its me and you against the world. NOTHING CAN STOP US. Put on the dress in your room and meet me at Taylor's house 5:30 sharp. Its time to party.

I love you so much sweetie!

-Kathy

I quickly ran upstairs and found this really cute sundress and drove to Taylor's house. Her house is actually quite huge. I go around to the backyard and Taylor, Kate, Kathy, my cousin Alyssa, and Carson. As well as my aunt and uncle and my friends parents. Their was this super nice dinner made by Taylor's mom. Taylor, Kate and Carson had made me a video congratulating me on finishing another round of chemo. It was all of them doing funny corky things plus pictures from me in the hospital. It was so much fun and then Kathy gave a speech about how proud she was of me. Then we had some amazing dessert. All the adults went inside and Taylor, Kate, Alyssa, Carson and I all did a little night swimming. It was so much fun. I forgot how nice it felt to be normal for two seconds. We all laid on floaties and stared up at the sky at one point. I thought back to 7.5 weeks ago. I sat in a hospital room. The room was dark, but it was the middle of the day. I heard Jacqueline and Helen talking. I remember them talking about the plan for the removal of my liver. I shed so many tears. No noise came out of me. I didn't have the strength to make any, I was done. A splash of water brought me back to the present. Carson was looking at me. I smiled at him but continually stared at the stars. The hole in my heart where my parents were, will always be there. But as I looked around the table that night. I saw people who loved me unconditionally, these people were my parents. Its said that you don't get to chose your family. I didn't get to chose mine but the people who were going to be in my life I do get to chose. And I think I chose nicely.

Its 12:15 in the morning and Carson is sitting across from the room from me asleep. His parents let him stay here a lot. They trust us. Plus Kathy told them that if I have sex during and or after chemo it increase my chances of dying so lets just say NEITHER CARSON NOR I WANT ME TO DIE. He looks super cute. Tanner just texted me and apparently there is this girl who is what we like to call Princess Nurse. Its any girl who is trying to make herself look better for a college or pageant or scholarship. Well Tanner did this thing where you act like you are about to throw up on them but actually don't. The girl left the room. Called in a bunch of other nurses an Tanner pretended to be asleep. I responded with LOL.

I pulled out the box I had wedged between my bed and the wall. Inside were all my goodbye letters. I added someone else to my list of letters... Tanner.

I am really tired and should probably go to bed. But I'm so happy. I look at Carson and I see the smile painted across his face. I want to know what he is thinking about. I think back to 8 months ago and how much I despised him. Hahahaha. Those times. WOOWW.

Something Carson and I have never told each other out loud yet is I love you. I do love him but I don't know how to tell him, or when to. But I also know if I do tell him, that if I do die, I would breaking his heart..

I grab the bear that smells like him and I cuddle with it. This was not how I planned my life to be.

- a boyfriend

-no parent

-new family

-new friends

-no liver

-cancer

-an unknown future