Chemo Therapy during 3rd Period

March 21

I haven't written in my journal for awhile. But that is mainly because things have been pretty good. Carson and I are still just friends and will probably always be. I think he has a crush on the girl Klaire I mentioned. She is in my history class and his eyes light up when he looks at her. I am accepting that. Klaire is a friend and I need to walk away...This round of chemo is over. Kathy was told I might have depression and to take me to a therapist. I went and she was a nutty lady. But she helps. My parents have not called since that day in the hospital. I miss them like crazy. I wish they would tell me they are okay. Kathy talks to them occasionally. Whenever she is on the phone with them and I walk in she makes some excuse and hangs up. I got a letter from the facility they are at. Its from one of their therapists saying that they will hopefully be home in like 2 weeks and that they are doing great. Everyday, I look out my window and I see the sky, clouds and trees. I have not spoken with my friends in awhile. I mean they text me all the time. I just don't respond. Whats the point, they get to have a normal high school experience. Kathy invited them over today and I did not even get out of my chair. I said nothing. I did nothing. Last week Taylor went on this awesome tropical vacation and in two days the two of them are going to look at universities, I am not allowed to go. BECAUSE OF CANCER. I AM JEALOUS AND MAD. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME. WHY CANT SOMEONE GO THROUGH THIS WITH ME. I got a call today from Dr. Jacqueline, she wants me to come in tomorrow to take some test and then go over those results. I am hoping there is no more cancer, but I have little hope that its actually gone. I need to go to group tomorrow, according to Kathy. She and I got into today after Taylor and Kate left. She said I need to quit acting so immature and face the damn music and that everyone supports me. I just wish my mom was here to comfort me and my dad was here to shoot hoops with and talk this out. But I am so messed up now, that the two people who told me when I was little that they would love me unconditionally and be there for me. Kathy also told me that it was time to quit playing the damn victim and start playing the fighter. I just screamed at her to go away. I ran into my room and slamned my door and started writing in my journal. I needed to talk this shit through and figure it the HELL out. I wish I didnt let my guard down and allow myself to develop feelings for someone because like always I got hurt. I always heard that my prince charming is out there, but what if he is not. What if I am going to die alone... in a hospital bed. Without even going on a date.. had my first kiss. I wish i hadnt pushed my friends away. I wish my parents would just come home and things could be normal... and no more cancer. But i dont apparently get that. Not now anyways. So tonight as all my friends are dancing the night away at some party. I sit here in my room staring out the window. CRYING AND PRAYING THAT FINALLY THE CARDS WILL FALL IN MY FAVOR. Lets hope this spring break doesnt suck ass. Bye oh so lovely journal.....