"I don't want to remember my past, but those daunting nightmares always tap me on the shoulder, wanting me to turn around."
Everything happened to freeze the moment her voice rang in his ears.
He couldn't hear anything except the click-clack of her heels against the tiled floor, getting closer to him.
Then he felt it. Her presence right behind him as her palm squeezed his shoulder. "Baby, look at mama."
The hair at the nape of his neck stood up and his muscles tensed, a sharp intake of breath leaving his mouth. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move away from her nor form a coherent sentence.
"Baby?"
His jaw clenched, and he shivered in disgust at her sickly sweet voice. The voice that brought back nightmares he desperately wanted to forget. The voice that reminded him of the dark room and sleepless nights.
"Atharva, come on, won't you give your mama a hug?" He was forcefully turned towards his stepmother who tugged him into a tight hug. His body went limp against hers, his arms hanging by his sides. He shut his eyes to avoid the tears that were threatening to spill.
She pulled back to look at his face and cupped his cheeks. "I have a surprise for you, baby. Come with me."
He shook his head and took one step back, then another, until he was standing a good distance apart from her.
"What—" His stepmother was abruptly cut off when Nisha approached them.
"Dad has been looking for you, Mom. He wants to introduce you to some of his old friends," Nisha said, gesturing towards a small crowd. Harshvardhan waved frantically at her. She nodded, and with a tight smile, she walked in their direction.
"Hey! It has been a long time since we last met. My brother has kept you quite busy, huh?" Nisha wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at Aahana.
She let out a soft chuckle, hugging her. "Happy birthday, Nisha. I shopped your gift online which will be delivered here in two days."
"Wow, thank you!" Nisha beamed. They both turned to Atharva who was standing on the spot, unmoving. They frowned at him.
"Are you okay, Atharva?" Aahana asked, gently shaking his arm.
He leaped a step back and nodded. "Sorry. Happy birthday."
Nisha's frown deepened at his odd behavior. "What's wrong?"
"I think I need a drink." He turned to the table and grabbed his earlier drink. Urvashi was enough, he didn't need Nisha to act like she cared.
She looked at Aahana and then at Atharva before going back to her friends.
Aahana swallowed and watched Atharva curiously as he drowned the bitter liquid down his throat. She could tell something was definitely wrong with him.
"Atharva?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you trying to get drunk?" she asked, taking a sip of her coke.
"Hmm." He ordered another glass, and all she could do was sit and watch him drink one after another. Her concern rose, and she tried to snatch the glass from his hand, but he pulled away and gestured for her to maintain the distance between them.
"I am back." They both stilled for a brief second. Aahana turned to look at Urvashi who smiled widely at them. "I am so sorry, dear. I couldn't say hello to you earlier."
"It's okay, Mom! I know you are quite busy." She touched her feet before returning to Atharva's side who had gone pale all of a sudden, tiny droplets of sweat forming on his forehead. Aahana nudged him, silently giving a look that said 'Don't be rude.'
"Oh, baby! Your surprise is pending. Can you wait here, Aahana? We will be quick," she said sweetly and gripped Atharva's arm. He stumbled out of the chair and begrudgingly followed her, turning back to look at Aahana pleadingly.
He motioned for her to come with them but Aahana gave a small smile and shook her head, watching them head upstairs and disappear out of her sight. She knew they both had some problems and she wanted them to sort it out themselves.
She sighed and took a seat, finishing her coke as she waited for Atharva. Time passed, and it was more than 20 minutes, but he hadn't returned. Aahana recalled his pleading face, and that's when she got an awful feeling. Frowning, she left the bar and walked upstairs, looking around for Atharva and Urvashi.
She heard a whimper, so faint she thought she'd imagined it. But she heard it again. Not wasting a minute, she rushed towards the room and pushed the door open.
Her stomach churned.
"Oh god, what happened?" she gasped and ran towards him. Quickly ripping the blindfold off his eyes, she cradled his face between her small palms and looked into his moist eyes.
"Please say something..." Her voice was gentle, but he didn't respond. His face held no emotion and eyes held no recognition. She felt her eyes well up as she brought his face to her chest and hugged him tightly, her fingers tugging at his soft hair.
She could hear his heavy breath, the sound of his palpitating heart.
"Shh... It's okay. Everything's okay," she repeated, her voice sweet as honey, soft and smooth to his ears. He soon relaxed in her embrace and snuggled closer to her, wanting all of her comfort and warmth.
The red print on Atharva's left cheek hadn't gone unnoticed by Aahana, but she decided to keep quiet for now. Aahana moved her head slightly, her eyes dancing everywhere for Urvashi but she wasn't there.
"Are you okay?" Aahana whispered and wiped Atharva's tears with the pad of her thumb before pressing a soft kiss on his forehead.
He swallowed hard and nodded.
"Let's go down."
When he stood up, her eyes zeroed on his hips. The button of his pants was undone and the zipper was halfway down. She saw his belt on the bed and her eyebrows furrowed. "Uh, you need to fasten your belt?"
He stared at her, and she felt like he wasn't able to comprehend her words until he looked down. His hands began to tremble, and he collapsed on the bed. Aahana stepped forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders to hold him up. "Should I...do it?"
He nodded.
She helped him quickly, and then they both walked down the stairs. She knew he didn't want to talk about anything, so she didn't ask.
"Let's sit." With her hand intertwined with his, she guided him to the bar area and asked the waiter for some ice cubes. She placed them inside her handkerchief, pressing it to Atharva's cheek. He didn't utter a word and kept staring into space.
Aahana felt her heartbreak at the sight of him.
"Hey, look at me. Take deep breaths." She held his chin gently and nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, do it. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. One more time?"
He closed his eyes and followed the sound of her voice.
"Do you feel better now?"
"Yeah. T-Thank you." His eyes fluttered open, and he looked away seeing her soft smile.
"Do you want to leave?" she asked him, handing him a coke.
"I—"
"Atharva baby, why did you leave? You haven't seen your gift yet." Urvashi appeared again, scowling at Atharva.
Aahana raised an eyebrow and studied her. She looked the same as before in her emerald green saree, but her hair was slightly disheveled and she was panting heavily. Maybe from the running she did to come to get Atharva?
"I am sorry, but I think the surprise can wait. I mean this is Nisha's birthday, right?" Aahana smiled at Urvashi.
Urvashi's expression quickly changed and she smiled back. "Uh...yeah, sure."
Satisfied, Aahana turned away from her and glanced at Atharva who breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed back in his seat.
Later, they heard the announcement and made their way to the middle of the room where Nisha cut the cake. And after small talks and forced smiles, they said a quick goodbye to his father and left.
On their way, both were awfully quiet, different thoughts swarming their heads. Aahana didn't know how he got that red mark on his cheek. Was it his mother? But why would she slap him? And why the hell was he sitting with his dress pants unzipped?
"I am sorry for forcing you to go with me," Aahana apologized once they reached home.
Atharva didn't respond to her. He was on a mission to cleanse himself. He walked inside his room and headed straight to the bathroom, locking himself inside. He stripped his clothes and stood in front of the mirror, his eyes looking at his broken self. He traced his cheek with his fingers and shivered, flashback of the party crossing his mind, the echo of her slap ringing in his ears.
Breathing heavily, he stumbled towards the showerhead and stood under it, letting the cold water cascade down his body.
And that's when he allowed the tears to roll down his cheeks.
He rubbed his body furiously, enraged at himself, for he let her trap him again. Although nothing had happened because he had done everything he could to stop her actions, the memory of her fingers on him made his skin crawl in disgust.
He felt numb by the time he turned off the shower. He wrapped a towel around his hips and walked back to his room. He slipped into his boxers and fell on the bed, but sleep seemed far away from him.
He couldn't bring himself to forget her. Life was so fucked up and yet again, he felt the desire to end his life. And without thinking, he did it. He had told himself before he was doing it for the last time, but it happened again. He pulled out the pocket-sized knife from under his pillow and slashed his left arm, wrist, making small cuts everywhere and anywhere possible. It made him wince in pain, but there was a smile on his face. His eyes held great fascination as he watched the blood ooze out from the new wounds.
He fell back on the bed and blinked away the black dots that hovered over his eyes, but darkness lulled him and everything went silent.
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