I wipe my eyes and sniff a lot as I glance at the faces around me, all desperately searching for answers, all desperate for something to cling onto.
My dad squeezes me one more time and sets me back down on the ground.
I awkwardly play with my fingers for a little, not sure why I'm so nervous to answer this question.
"Yeah I... I did... Yeah..." I murmur, not sure how I expect them to react.
Silence answers me, so I look up at the twins and then at Ben.
They're deep in thought.
"Ok," Megan whispers. "Um... Thank you... Somehow I feel that... Whether or not there's a heaven... There's value in your faith so... Um... Thank you."
She picks up Liam and then takes Michelle's hand. Michelle grabs onto Bridget and they all slowly make their way inside and Ben follows them soon after.
Natalie and Josie stand silently. Natalie's face is lined with tear streaks and Josie's face is wrinkled with concern...
Somehow, I don't think her whole mind is focused on me. Somethings off about her mom.
I don't want to care about that right now... I feel bad for feeling that way but I can't... I can't take any other burdens on right now.
I give Natalie a hug because I assumed she would head back home. She hugs back but then promptly heads into the house, cursing the world for stealing such a precious gift from her best friend.
Josie and I watch her, and stand there for a few moments more before grabbing each other's hands and finally staggering into the house after the rest of the crew.
As we enter, I see Ben and his fiancé embracing as my dad stands solemnly by.
I look up towards the twins' room and prayer that Michelle doesn't take this out as anger on Megan.
But after a few moments, I wonder if I would rather hear yelling right now...
It's too quiet. The only sounds are the sobs coming from all corners of the house...
Josie glances up the stairs worriedly.
"Are... Are you ok?" I sniff.
Josie looks at me and her worry lines soften.
"Gen..." she whispers.
She pulls me into a hug and we stay in each other's arms for a while.
"Would you quit worrying about me long enough to take care of yourself?" she chuckles sadly.
She pushes away from me and squeezes my hand. Then the worry returns to her face. She shoots me one more empathetic smile before whispering, "I'll see what's wrong with my mom. You are not allowed to worry about it."
And she runs up the stairs before I can realize the distinctive sound of my aunt's cries among all the sounds of sadness in this place.
I want to go find Bridget, Liam, the twins, someone. I want so badly to ease their pain. Heck, right now I want nothing more than to give Lacy her life back even if that meant I had to lose mine.
But she had given up hers for the the sake of kids given no chance.
When a dying person who'd lived 80 years would do anything for just one more day, maybe even go so far as to take advantage of someone so they could have it, this girl who hadn't seen her eighth birthday, was willing to give up the three months she could've had so that other kids could live.
But she left this house missing a huge piece of its heart.
And... For once in my life... There is nothing I can do to get anyone in this house to smile. I feel powerless...
So as the tears start to race down my face again, I run out of the house, panting before I even get very far. I hear someone call my name, but I just keep running. Running, almost blindly because of the tears, not sure where I'm going--until I find myself there.
I watch the bustling traffic roar by, nearly screaming out loud at all of it to stop. The world needs to stop. We just lost Lacy. The world shouldn't be allowed to keep moving on as if all is well.
I crumble to the ground next to that familiar lamppost... Here on Q street.
The selfish part of me was simply afraid of going back to square one. This is exactly where I cried after running from the thought of being in foster care... After losing my family... I'm not good at this grief thing... And I don't know how I'm gonna do it again.
This time there was no mistake. I saw her... Die. It happened in front of my eyes. She won't be back on earth every again. I won't get to hold her... She won't get the chance to discover what she could've done... She won't get to see the world... Meet the love of her life... CANCER IS SO EVIL!!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HA-
"Miss?"
I jump in surprise as someone pats me on the shoulder. I lock eyes with her and then glance down to see a nervous girl standing next to her.
"Are you ok honey? Do you need me to call someone...?" she asks, genuine and humbling concern in her voice.
I try to wipe my eyes, but every time I wipe some off, more come so eventually I just give up and stammer, "Oh no, I... I'm sorry I just, I had to get out of the house for a second but I'm ok."
She raises an eyebrow suspiciously and as I reevaluate what I said, I realize she could be interpreting it way wrong.
"My whole family is really hurting right now," I spit out so she doesn't think my home is abusive or something. "I just... I couldn't stand to see them all so in pain..."
The woman's face softens. "Ok... I'm really sorry to hear that... I'll um... I'll be praying for you."
She awkwardly pats my shoulder before grabbing the little girl's hand and walking off.
Taking in a long, shaky breath, I lean my head against the post and concentrate on a particular little cloud in the sky in order to try and cam myself down.
It's not long before exhaustion takes over and I lower my head to the sidewalk and fall asleep.
*********
I wake up to my dad rubbing circles on my back and Bridget squeezing my hand.
How'd I get back in my bed?
"Hey, Gen, you freaked everyone out," she teases, the overlying sadness still apparent in her voice.
"Ben saw you run out and came to me and I ran to Q street with him, guessing that's where you'd be. And when we found you sleeping he carried you back."
I smile slightly but my mouth can't seem to hold that shape for very long.
Slowly, I sit up in my bed.
I look at Dad.
"What are we gonna do Daddy?" I whisper.
"I'm not taking you away from this people, at least not at a time like this. I don't want to be a burden to them so I might sleep somewhere else starting tonight but-"
"Sir, you're not a burden. You're family," Bridget interrupts.
Dad smiles gratefully.
I look at Bridget and smile my thanks. Then I ask, "Hey are Mom and Dad-well-your mom and dad like.. Um... Are they home?"
Bridget nods.
"What should I call them?" I wonder aloud.
"You could call me Dad and call them Mama and Papa," Dad suggests.
I smile. "I like that."
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Josie lingering in the doorway to the room.
"Josie?" I call.
She takes a step into my room, looking like she needs to say something but isn't sure how to. Her eyes have ceased to be dry and I get concerned for her mom. Even though I've honestly been trying to focus on my own healing, I can't help but worry...
"Um... At some point... My mom wants to talk to you."
My throats tightens.
"Is she ok?" I whisper.
"Um... Well... Yes. No... Well she just.... UGH!" she sighs. Then she takes in a deep breath and asks, "Lacy saved a lot of kids lives but what she prayed for... Is that the story?"
I nod slowly, wondering where she's going with this.
"Well... Mom wants to talk to you... Because Lacy saved one more life that... That she um... Never even knew about."