This fucking story is over a year old
It's not over but we're getting close
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Vic's POV
I impatiently scrubbed myself off in the shower, making sure to get myself as clean as I possibly could. The five days were up and all I wanted was to show him how much he meant to me; how much I needed him in my life. I needed to show him how sorry I was for everything that had happened between us. I needed to show him that he mattered more to me than any stupid powdered substance or liquid drug. I loved Kellin, with all my heart it was true. He just needed to know that.
I rinsed my hair, for what seemed like the 4th time and turned off the faucet. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying myself off as best as I could. I wrapped it around my waist and started to do my typical hygiene regiment. I dried and combed my hair, cleaned my nose ring, shaved my face and did all the other "feminine" things almost men wouldn't think about doing to skin. I went in my room and put on my best clothes, tidying up my bed after doing so.
I buttoned up my flannel shirt that Kellin had always borrowed from me and went into the living room. Everything has been cleaned up since the night I went out to see him. Jack and Alex came over, took away all of my substances and helped me clean up. It took a while, but soon my apartment was back the way it had been when Kellin and I were till together. The only significant change being the painting he gave me on my birthday, now being hung up on the living room wall.
I smiled sadly at it, when I suddenly heard a knock at the door, followed by my phone buzzing. I checked the notification to see that it read, "We're here," from Tony. I took in a deep breath and marched over to the door, rolling up my sleeves as I did.
"Here goes everything."
I opened the door to see Kellin standing next to Tony. Tony had agreed to give Kellin a ride here and wait outside incase Kellin needed to live during or after our talk. But in all honesty, I wasn't focused on Tony at all. I was only focused on Kellin.
His hair was slightly matted, like he had tried to take it and gave up half way through. He was wearing the typical black ripped skinny jeans and dark gray sweater, like his inner emo kid was having a field day. I also noticed the bags under his eyes and how still he stood. I had done that to him, drained him of his life force and happiness. I couldn't help but feel selfish trying to get him back in that moment, seeing what pain I had caused him, but I quickly shook those thoughts.
"Are you ready?" I asked, quietly, trying to make eye contact with him, but him trying to avoid it with me.
"Yeah," he said faintly.
"I'll be outside if you guys need me," Tony said awkwardly. He must've felt out of place, seeing that this quarrel had nothing to do with him other than that we were both his friends. Kellin weakly smiled at Tony before stepping in to my apartment and coming over to the couch with me.
We sat down and looked across from each other, almost like we were seeing each other for the first time all over again.
"How are we gonna start this?" He asked, his voice scratchy.
"I-I don't know I have so many thoughts to say... What do you want to know first?" I returned.
"The drugs..."
"Gone. There's no liquor, cocaine or pot in this house. I guarantee," I said, putting my hand up as if I was doing scout's honor.
"Ok... but how do I know if it's gone forever?" He asked.
"Just say the word and I'll go to AA if you think I need to," I said, and I meant every bit of it.
"I just... I don't think you're an alcoholic. I just think it's too much..." he said trailing off a bit, but I could tell he still had more to say. "I don't care that you drink. You can drink, and I don't care if you smoke pot. Just...less," he said, looking at me with his beautiful big doe eyes.
"Ok. Then I'll drink and smoke in moderation, not every day," I replied, ready to go on all of his terms.
"Um, ok... I want to know everything. Everything about...that night," he said.
I took a deep breath, preparing to tell him everything to its entirety. "Ok. It started out with me here, drinking. I called Tony and Jaime, and I said I wanted to go out to a club. They reluctantly brought me, and they pretty much understood what happened by the way I was acting. As soon as I got there I ordered some drinks, but this guy...Oli..." I stopped to see how he'd react to the name. He pursed his lips together and looked to the ground sadly, then back at me, waiting to continue.
"Yeah uh, he offered to buy me the drinks. I told him I wasn't interested, but he insisted and we ended up going back to the VIP section of the club where he was with his friends. There, he offered me coke, boos and fags, and I took all of them. I mean, I was blitzed off my ass after like 2 lines," I sighed, and looked over to Kellin again, seeing he was still following me.
"Then...his friends left and things between us started getting...heated," I cringed to myself as I continued to tell him what happened. "Next thing I knew, I was on my knees, and after that he got on his knees-"
"I don't want to here about this part," Kellin said, shaking his head quickly.
"The next part is important..." I said, and he took a deep breath, preparing to hear the worst of it.
"So, he's on his knees...doing...yeah... and all I could think about was you. I just...I couldn't stand it. Then I kinda said your name, and Oli comes up and says 'Kellin Quinn?' Of course I ask him how he knows you, to which he tells me that you guys dated, and that you... you were a girl pretending to be a guy and that you were just messing with me," I shrugged sadly, looking to the floor. I looked over to Kellin, seeing that he was watching me carefully, studying the way I spoke and following my every movement.
"When I saw you in that bathroom stall. The only thing I could see was what Oli told me. There wasn't a single rational thought going through my mind. Had I been sober...that...this wouldn't be happening..." I said, feeling the tears budding up from my eyes.
"And that's why you said those things..." he said, trying to clarify what happened.
"Yes. I think you're the most perfect boy-man in the world. I don't care what you have in your boxers as long as you love me," I said, smiling through the tears.
"But I lied to you..." he said quietly.
"No. You weren't obligated to tell me something you weren't ready to say," I replied. "That would be unfair to you," I said.
"But you're my-"
"Your body is your business, not mine," I said, clarifying that I was ok with him not telling me.
"Ok..." he sighed.
"I think you're beautiful, and I'm still more in love with you than ever. You having a female body, does not, and will never change how I feel about you," I said, inching my hand over towards his. I desperately wanted to grab his hand and interlace out fingers. I didn't know how he felt about me anymore though, so I didn't want to take the chance of scaring him off.
"You don't have to say stuff like that Vic...I know it's not true," he said sorrowfully, looking down at his feet.
"What's not true? That I love you?" I asked.
"No. That you think I'm beautiful..."
"If I didn't think you were beautiful," I said sternly, earning his attention and capturing his gaze. He looked at me curiously, waiting to hear my best words. "Why would I keep fighting for you? Why would I do everything in my power to get you back? I love you Kellin...why can't you see that I love you, and I need you?" I asked, my voice cracking towards the end.
"Because...no one else ever has... I just don't see why you should be different..." Kellin said quietly, looking back down at the carpet. I could tell he had more to say, so I stayed quiet, waiting for him to tell me more.
"My last boyfriend...Oli... left me when he found out. He told me I was disgusting, and that no one would love me, knowing what I was..." Kellin explained, his voice promising tears.
"He's just a close minded douchebag. He assumed just because he couldn't date you, no one else would. And you know what, that is an extremely self centered piece of shit thing to say. His opinion and his words, should not and will not dictate your emotions. He doesn't understand you, and because of that he said some shitty things about you that aren't true. That's his fucking problem if he can't accept you, but he's not a part of your life anymore. He's just another douchebag with a shitty opinion, that doesn't reflect mine in the slightest. You're a beautiful, sexy boy and I fucking love you. He can shove his words up his ass," I said, and Kellin started to laugh.
He looked up at me. His sad pale blue eyes were watering and he hastily wiped away his tears and he started to laugh. I had pushed him in between laughing and crying, and he was struggling not to let the crying to take over. I could imagine how overwhelming this whole ordeal was for him, and I wanted to make it as easy as I could. I didn't know how to stop him from crying, and maybe that made me a shitty boyfriend. But I knew what I wanted to do. I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him to me closely. His laughs turned into gentle sobs and he held onto me tightly.
Kellin was a sensitive person, and he cried for quite a while. When he stopped he pulled away, wiping his eyes with his sleeves and sniffling.
"I'm sorry this is just...really a lot for me. Everything in my mind is so conflicting and everything's so complicated. Rationally...I understand what you're saying, and I know I shouldn't expect you to do what Oli and Matty did...because you're not Matty or Oli...but-"
"They're the only people you have to compare me with. Both of the boyfriends you had treated you like crap, so you don't expect anything else," I explained.
"When did you get so analytical?" He asked, smiling a little.
"I had 5 days until I saw you again. All I could do was think about you," I said, and he smiled.
"I think you're a good guy Vic. Really, I don't think you're like my other boyfriends. And because of that...I think we can try again," he explained, and I felt the biggest smile creep onto my lips.
"Really? You want to be with me still?" I asked, feeling absolutely ecstatic.
"Yeah, you're worth trying again," he said, smiling a little.
I couldn't hold back anymore. I leaned forward, kissing him on his lips and hearing him gasp a little from the touch. He relaxed a little and kissed me, moving his lips against mine. It wasn't heated, and in no way did it seem sexual. It was just loving. It was a kiss that proved he forgave me, and loved me still.
We sat there for a while, kissing. After a minute or two, Kellin decided to pull away for a moment with a small smile playing at his lips
"Now what?" He asked me, still lost in a joyful daze.
"Now...I think we just chill. We don't have to do anything sexual, or even romantic. I'm perfectly fine with sitting here and watching a movie," I shrugged. "I just wanna be with you."
"Are you okay with me staying?" He asked.
"Of course I am. You can stay for however long you want," I said, leaning in and pecking his cheek.
He smiled a little more, "what about Tony?"
"I can tell him to leave if you want, but won't you want a ride home later?" I asked.
"I- uh. I don't really want to go home right now..."
"Ok. I'll go and tell him he can go," I said, pushing myself off the couch.
"Thank you."
I walked over to my front door and opened it, stepping out into the hallway next to Tony. He looked up from his phone curiously, waiting to hear what I had to tell him.
"You can go. Everything is...we're ok. He forgives me and he wants to make this work."
"He forgives you?"
"Yeah, I mean, it was all just a terrible...terrible misunderstanding. He understands," I said, looking to Tony to see what he was thinking.
"Vic, you said some very horrible things."
"Did he...did he tell you?" I asked, feeling extremely ashamed.
"Of course he told me..." he sighed.
"I'm not transphobic. I only said those things because I thought he was a girl pretending to be a guy. That's what his ex told me like 2 minutes before I saw him. I don't think trans people are-"
"That still doesn't make what you said right." He folded his arms over his chest.
"I know, I know, but still...he said we can start over," I said, not feeling like I had to explain myself completely to Tony.
He sighed heavily, shaking his head. "Is he completely sure he wants me to go?"
"Yes. I'm not gonna hurt him Tony. I love him," I said clearly.
"I know you do, Vic."
"I'm gonna fix this," I said firmly.
He nodded, "just don't fuck up."
"I won't. He'll be ok," I said.
"He better be. If you mess him up any more is swear..."
"I'd rather die then make him cry again," I said in the most dead serious tone I could.
He nodded once more. "Tell him to message me if he wants a ride at all."
"I can drive him, but ok."
"I'll see you then..."
"Ok. Thank you by the way...for looking after him," I said.
"No problem. It's what friends do."
I smiled and he put his phone in his pocket, waving to me as he walked down the hall. I went back inside my apartment to see Kellin leaning downwards and petting Pickles. I smiled and walked up to him quietly so he wouldn't hear me. I reached down and carefully ran my fingers through his hair, watching him lovingly. This caught his attention and he looked up at me, his big pale blue eyes watching me curiously. I smiled down at him and tucked his hair behind his ears.
"Are you petting me?" He giggled.
"If that's what you want to call it." I chuckled, planting a small kiss on his cheek.
"You're a weirdo. I'm a person. You don't pet people," he said cutely.
"I only pet cute boys with pretty little soft lips," I said slyly, smirking as I sat down next to him.
He giggled again, looking back down to the purring ball of fur. Pickles hopped up onto the couch and sat himself on Kellin's lap, rubbing against him gently.
"I love you," I said, putting my arm around him and kissing his cheek.
"I love this cat." He teased.
"I know you love me back. You don't have to say anything," I mused, pulling him closer to me. My hand grazed over his chest and I looked down at him. Curiously got the best of me, and I asked a question that was just killing me.
"So...do you still have...boobs?" I asked, regretting how forward it sounded once I said it.
"I've had top surgery if that's what you mean?"
"Top surgery?"
"Like, I've had my breasts removed."
"Oh," I smiled, moving my hand down so I could touch his chest. "Did it hurt?"
"Only for a little bit afterwards, but I was obviously asleep when they... you know..."
"Yeah...can I ask more about...like, surgeries and stuff? I've never met a trans person before. I literally don't know anything," I said, hoping he'd be willing to educate me.
"If you really want to."
"I mean...I feel like I should know if you're my boyfriend," I replied.
"It's totally fine."
"Ok, stop me if I say something that's completely offensive. How did you know that you were a boy?" I asked.
"Well...ever since I was a little kid things felt...off. The dresses, the name, the girly things, they just didn't feel right. When I was 15 I heard that this one 'guy' at my school started wearing dresses and wanted to change his name. People said some really bad things about her but I figured I'd ask her why she decided to "change her gender". She explained to me how she felt, and I related to it so much it was scary. That was the year I kinda realized it I guess," he explained.
"How long did it take you to like... come to terms with it?"
"A while...when I did come to terms though Matty kinda...shut it down and made it more complicated," he shrugged like it was nothing.
"How complicated?"
"He told me I was probably just a lesbian and then...things happened..." he said cryptically.
"Things? What things?"
"I don't wanna talk about it," he shook his head.
"Oh, okay. That's totally fine. Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"It's ok," he said, smiling gently and putting his hand on my knee. "I just don't wanna talk about that right now."
"Okay. That's okay."
"Stop being so nervous," he giggled, pecking me on my cheek. "You're allowed to ask questions."
"I know but I dont want to offend you or anything," I sighed.
"I know you don't, but you're trying and I can see that," he smiled. I gave him a small smile back.
"Anything else you wanna ask me right now?"
"Are you planning on getting that surgery to get a... you know."
He giggled a little. "Yeah, I'm planning on getting bottom surgery, but there's more than one and they're all really expensive...so it won't be for a really long time. I'm still in debt from my top surgery," he said sadly.
"I can pay for it? I mean, I'm loaded."
"No. No, Vic you're not allowed to pay for my surgery," Kellin said sternly.
"But Kellin." I whined. "I want to make you happy."
"I can't let you do that. It's my surgery. I need to pay for it. That's just too much money," he continued to shake his head.
"Babe, you know I'm basically rich."
"I know, but it's too much for me. I'd permanently feel in debt to you," he continued. I sighed and shook my head.
"Don't worry about my body Vic-"
"I'm not worried about your body. I'm worried about how you feel about your body," I clarified.
"I'll be fine, Vic. I've lived this long with the body I have. Waiting a little longer won't kill me.
"But you'd be happier if you got the surgery, and I want you to be as happy as you can be," I explained.
"Vic, I'm fine," he groaned.
"Kellin I don't see the big deal-"
"We're taking things slow. Paying for my surgery is not taking it slow," he replied, and I sighed. I huffed, slightly frustrated.
"Don't worry about it ok?" He said, putting his hand on my knee and smiling up at me.
"Okay." I nodded a little
"Good," he said, kissing me on the cheek gently and retreating back to his space on the couch.
"What do you want to do now?"
"I don't know. What did we do on our first date?" Kellin asked.
"We ate Chinese food and I called you autistic..."
"I forgot about that." He playfully glares at me.
"I regret it so much..." I groaned, putting my face in my hands. "And I made you upset and you ran away upset."
He laughed a little, "Vic, don't worry about it."
"I'm trying not to but goddamn it was a shitty first date," I shook my head.
"You made up for that, though."
"Ah yes, by drinking and saying transphobic things to you..."
"Vic, don't beat yourself up about it. You told me you didn't mean it and you apologised. That's all I can ask for.
"I still feel like a shitty person," I shrugged.
He shook his head, moving closer to me once again. "You're not as bad as some people I've met, trust me."
"Most of the people you've met are assholes," I returned.
"Yeah, but you're not most people."
"I feel shitty about what I did. I can't help it. I know you forgive me and all but... I don't know. I feel like I don't deserve it," I explained.
"You've made much more happy than you have made me sad."
"Really?" I asked, not believing him at all.
"Yes, really."
"I find that difficult to believe," I replied, and he frowned.
"Why are you so down? You're never like this..." Kellin said in concern.
"Honestly Kellin it's probably part of the cocaine withdrawal..."
He sighed quietly, putting a hand on my check and turning my head so we're face to face. "I can't promise you that everything will be all rainbows and sunshine, but I can try to help you though that."
"You don't need to babe. I can take care of myself," I replied, smiling gently at him.
He shook his head "I'm only doing what you'd do for me."
"I'm ok baby, seriously," I replied, not wanting him to be concerned with me and my 'drug problem'. The withdrawals weren't that bad, and I could handle them on my own no problem. I didn't want to touch cocaine ever again.
"Well, I'm still gonna try and help as much as I can." He moved a piece of hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear.
"You're perfect."