To say my heart is conflicted would be the understatement of the century.
I am having a horrible mental debate within myself... Wondering if I would rather have lost Justin than Lacy... And all the other kids.
"None of it is fair!" I exclaim out loud, trying to shut up the horrible argument going on in my head.
Bridget looks up at me, the steady stream of tears still falling from her eyes. She opens her mouth but can't get any words out.
"Will I forget Lacy? As I grow up?" Liam asks, his lip quivering.
Bridget shallows hard and hugs him a little tighter.
Little Justin's eyes spill over a little. Slowly, he gets down from the bed and hobbies over to Liam.
"No, you can never forget someone you love," the little guy says.
"But memories go away when you grow up," Liam squeaks. With every word he spoke, I felt that someone was tightening a fist around my heart.
Justin's eyes go to the floor for a second and I can't hold back a whimper of pain.
But then he takes Liam's hand and says, "That's what I was afraid of when my grandpa died. I miss him very much, but he often sees me in my dreams when I'm sleeping!"
Liam sits up a little and wipes his nose with his sleeve. "Really?" he asks, the faintest glimmer of hope returning to his sweet voice.
"Yeah!" Justin smiles sadly.
"Justin? Buddy?" a voice hesitantly calls from the doorway.
I turn to see a man and a woman standing there with looks of deep love and slight bewilderment. I smile a little. These are Justin's parents; I'd met them once or twice before. Their boy is more amazing than they know.
Justin smiles at Liam and then skips over to his parents.
"You ready, Justin?" his dad asks.
Justin looks behind him at me, then back at his parents, then back at me.
He runs over to me and throws his arms around my legs. I struggle to control myself and squat down to hug him back.
"I love you, Justin."
"I love you too, Gen!"
He holds on for quite a while before running back to his parents.
"Ok. Ready now," he says.
His mom and dad look up at me.
"Thank you," she says. "Thank you so much for everything. We'll stay in touch?"
I nod. And mean it.
They throw me one more empathetic smile each and then slowly lead their little boy out of the room. Out of the hospital.
And home.
***************
No one wants to go home. It was suggested st one point but instead, the hospital is letting us stay overnight.
Liam is asleep in Michelle's arms and we are all sitting around watching Lacy's chest raise and fall and willing her heart to keep beating.
I feel so selfish for even thinking about this but... Was what I did for her meaningless? The kidney gave her a few more months... But that's it?
I look at Lacy and silently beg her to open her eyes, just one more time, so I can say I'm sorry....
I'm so sorry I couldn't save you...
And what if my health is in jeopardy soon in the future because I only have one...? I can't put this family through another loss, even if it's just me.
I feel like the slightest sadness after this would break them...
Especially Bridget.
I look over at her.
She hasn't stopped crying. I didn't know someone could have so many tears... And I've cried a lot.
I walk over to her and grab her hand.
She turns to face me and tries to smile... But she can't... She can't... So she buries her face in my chest instead. Her chest heaves and she shakes.
I can't believe I can still feel....
My heart is in shreds, how can I be hurting any more than I already have?
The shreds are just being stomped on I guess...
I'm overwhelmed with hurt for her. For the fact that I'm not sure she's ever forgiven herself for what happened to Lacy that caused the family to miss two years of her life. It wasn't her fault in the least of course... But I'm not sure she believes that.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
She whips her head back to look me in the eye so fast that I jump a little.
"For what?" she asks, shaking her head in disbelief.
"That what I did for her ended up being so useless..." I choke out.
"Gen," she whispers in what seems to be utter shock.
"Gen, ask anyone here. One more day with her is worth... Everything! More than all the gold in the world. By what you did you gave us four more months of moments worth the world. And honey, for that we will never be able to thank you."
My eyes well up again, against my will.
"I just wanted be some sort of hero I guess," I sniff.
"You were! You are!" she pushes.
Suddenly, Lacy stirs and lets out a raspy cough.
Everyone in the room jerks their attention to the fragile-yet... immensely strong little girl on the hospital gown.
The cough racks her body and she wheezes and shakes.
Feeling the heartache in the room suffocate me, I fall to my knees at the side of her bed.
"Lace? Lace, I'm sorry, I'm sorry it wasn't enough," I sob.
Lacy wheezes in and out. She whines a little but can't seem to form words anymore.
But finally, she does speak. The room goes eerily quiet so as to hear her voice, which hardly qualifies as a whisper, it's so quiet.
"I hope you guys know how much you all taught me. Now please don't cry... My friend Lily is a beautiful angel now and-she's here now to take me to Heaven. I love you all... And I'll miss you... So very much..."
Mrs. T clings to her husband and cries, "No! No, please!"
Bridget's breathing becomes short as she shakes her head and begs her, "Hold on. Just hold on baby..."
I take one of her little hands and pray she forgives me. I feel her grasp my hand back with all the love she's ever felt...
Her breathing begins to seem more and more stained.
Then... She slowly raises her other hand up and smiles...
Confused, through my blurry vision I try to understand what she's smiling at but... I can't...
"Thank you, Lily," she whispers.
The hand in the air closes into a tight, yet gentle fist.
The heart monitor flatlines...
The hand I'm holding goes limp and her arm drops... But remains closed in a fist...
As if... As if she had grabbed an angel's hand to be led into Heaven and... Let go of mine... Because her body never gave her the life she deserved... And she had finally let go of earth... Even though it will never be fair.
Everyone in the room cries silent tears.
Bridget comes up and puts her arms around me from behind.
I can feel her shaking violently...
Our sister... No... No... She can't be gone.
Suddenly I feel like my body is just giving out. I collapse into Bridget's lap, sobbing...
"Why couldn't I have done more?" I cry.
"You-did-all you possibly-could," Bridget cries. "Just-one-more day with her was worth more than could-ever be described. And you gave us-four more months.
This-this is why we-are thankful-for her and for-what you did-for her. Because-she was such an incredible gift-that-that the pain we'll feel for the rest of our lives-is worth it..."
I know it's true... I believe each word she says... But it doesn't make today and easier... And I'm afraid of what the future holds.
Yet, the love this little girl showed on her short life will forever be an inspiration to me. This will never be fair and I will never understand why...
I guess I just have to learn to be strong for the family I still have here.
Slowly, I push myself off of the floor.
I nearly crack right away as I look at her still form. Slowly, I kiss her little forward and find a way to pray,
Thank you God... Thank you for the gift of her life. Thank you for the angel you sent to take her to you. Please bring her into your Kingdom soon. Please... Help us find strength...
So... I'll be honest I avoided writing this chapter for a while because it's just SOOOOOOO sad... I promise I have a moral I hope to get across in the chapters I have left:)And there's still a lot to be discussed actually. Genevieve has a lot of family things still to be worked out... Which is terrible in the given circumstances. Anyway I LOVE YOU ALL!!! Thanks for all your support and please don't hate me too much🙃😂😉❤