CHAPTER 3 – CAPITOL TV
The Capitol's stylists curled my long hair with a wand of some kind, though it seemed rather inefficient if just by walking the curls would fall right out. I was wearing the red silk dress that Steven had pulled from my closet, now with gold sequins lining the neck. I looked lovely, as all of the stylists kept reminding me. I didn't look how I felt.
Once the trumpets played and Caesar introduced himself, just like he had only a week ago, I was introduced, too.
"But first... a recap of the Games!"
I sat in the same position – the same seat, even – that I had been sitting in with twenty-three others so recently. It was so quiet. So empty. So lonely.
I should have been used to losing people by now. But this was nothing like anything I'd ever experienced. An entirely new type of survivor's guilt gripped me now.
The recap of the Games showed clips of interviews of the tributes I had shared this room with so recently. It showed them playing, some notable kills, but mostly focused around me. Things I'd done or hadn't done. It was strange watching myself in my still-mostly-new body, one that I didn't even recognise at first as mine. I hadn't realised at the time how much the cameras had picked up, how often the world had been watching me.
It started with a few words from the interviews of the tributes who didn't get to spend much time in the arena.
"I hope to win so I can get back to my family. I already feel like I miss them. Hi, Lucy! Hi, Edmund! Hi, Peter!" Susan smiled adorably at the camera, waving delicate fingers toward the screen. She didn't look afraid at first glance. But she must have been.
"I don't expect to win. I think a lot of the tributes are weak and they don't stand a chance. There are maybe five people here with a shot," Christina said, shrugging like it was obvious. She'd been so honest and tried to be so brave.
"My father was in the military. He trained all of us like his soldiers once our mother died." Even strict discipline hadn't helped Louisa. This was a very versatile game. Game, ha. Who gave it that title?
"The Hunger Games have a sports factor," Oliver Wood was reasoning, "but that alone won't help me win. So many skills go into this. This is anybody's game." What a kid he had been. Kidkidkidkidkidk-
The video then cut to him and the Scarecrow going up in flames. I squinted my eyes, cringing, fighting the urge to avert my eyes. Cut to Charming, innocently picking flowers and whistling to himself. A dramatic close-up later, he was blasted by a ball of light from Maleficent. He crumpled. I gasped, but the scene had already changed. I was about to see everyone die again.
It cut to a piece of my interview, something I hadn't given much thought since it happened and let it slip to the back of my mind.
"The Doctor, is it?" Caesar asked cryptically. "Doctor who?"
"Dangerous question. It's just the Doctor."
"No name you can reveal to us?"
"Nope."
It cut to Avril jumping out of a tree right behind Isaac and sinking a knife into her neck. She gasped and fell, but Isaac didn't even know it had happened. He stared cluelessly away, unseeing, ignorant.
It showed me running into the forest after leaving the Cornucopia on the first day. It showed Glinda singing and being shot down by Maleficent. It showed me and Rory and our original alliance all crawling into one single tent. It showed Hermione shooting an arrow at Tobias – I hadn't known that was how he died. Hermione had killed a member of her own alliance? Our own alliance? I wasn't mad about it, I was just confused. But I hardly had time to be confused; the clips were still flashing quickly across the screen.
Another clip from my interview: "Do you think you'll be a bigger target in the Games because you're already a fan favourite?"
"Potentially, yes."
Sweeney cut Hermione's hair. Me, first discovering the river and the look of sheer relief on my face. Sweeney cut Hermione's throat, then his own wrists. Myself, beginning to head back to camp that day. Christine and Phil walking toward the camp with firewood in hand. I knew what was going to happen next, though I didn't expect to see Tate's face on it. He threw the grenade before they could even see the bodies. Me again, this time running from something. I couldn't even remember when that had been. Brendon drinking alcohol sent by sponsors. Tate swinging blades at Sherlock and Molly. Rory and I trying to decide where to go next.
"If my math is correct, and then there were seven."
I hardly even remembered saying that.
Rory going to the river. Me going toward the berry trees. A feminine scream piercing the air. Rory running. Myself inspecting berries on one tree, then moving to another. Rory stabbing Tate, then helping Avril up and running away with her. A close-up of my fingers getting pricked by thorns. Rory and Avril running. Me, late at night, going back to where we'd agreed to meet and being puzzled when I didn't find him there.
Wait.
Rory killed someone.
I'd had no idea. Until now I had assumed Avril had been the one to kill Tate, not Rory.
Once again, no time to dwell on it.
Next the screen showed Rory, Avril, and me sitting by the river and sleeping in shifts until Avril ran off on her own.
"Well," I watched as the Doctor on the screen clapped her hands together. "Rise and shine, we have to live through today sometime."
The cameras followed us to the dark cave where we watched the Cornucopia from far away. Rory getting shot at. Running. Running. Running. I returned to the cave for the night. Over the scene, more dialogue from my first interview played.
"Does this mean you're invincible? Immortal, even?"
"Naaah."
The camera also caught broken clips of Rory and Moira seeing each other. Kissing each other. I stared – Rory was insane. He was seeing his wife in her. I hadn't known how crazy the Games were making him, but it was too late for regrets at this point. They were both gone. Gonegonegonegonego-
The rest I'd seen before; I had been there for it. Still, the third-person perspective of it was strange. Rory being stabbed with an arrow while being kissed. What was his last thought? Did he at least die happy, thinking he was kissing Amy? My eyes filled with tears, and I blinked them away. I needed to watch this.
Avril's yell that had gotten me running toward where chaos had ensued was her skewering Moira. At least she'd still been somewhat loyal to us. Maleficent got to the site before I did and stabbed Avril the same way. The camera captured my incredulous face as Isaac flew by and stabbed her.
The next few clips were just of me, looking thinner, more worn out, more worried as time went on. The longest clip in the entire video slowly zoomed in on me, visibly trembling, sheer insanity striking into my eyes. I felt like I'd mostly recovered since then, but the sight of me in such a state, muttering over and over to myself, havetokillhavetokillhavetokillhavet-
It was truly scary.
Isaac tripped over a root, and the root didn't let go. A final cannon went off and the whole video played backward rapidly, until we went back to the Reaping. It showed in slow motion as I raised my hand to volunteer, took the gun from a Peacekeeper and shot myself so I could be in the Games. Imagine if that hadn't happened. Would Rose have won?
As light erupted from the old body on the screen, another audio clip played.
"Rose was the name of the girl you volunteered for. Tell me: what relationship did you two have? Lovers, perhaps?"
"No, nothing like that. She's my best friend in the world."
"To the point where you'd die for her."
Before the clip was completely over, a few Capitol workers pulled me from the room to prepare for my live interview, so I missed the end of the video. That was okay. I knew what happened.
By the time I made it to the wings, we were already live. I didn't have time to stop and wait; I went right onstage and waved at the audience and cameras. "Smile," hissed one of the cameramen, and I quickly remembered to plaster one on.
"Doctor! Welcome back!" Caesar erupted in greeting, insisting on shaking my hand firmly before we sat down. In the same seat I'd occupied a week ago.
"Thanks for having me," I responded automatically.
"No, don't thank me, thank yourself! You won! How does it feel to be back with us again – this time, victorious?"
"I... I don't quite know how to answer that one, Caesar," I answered as honestly as I could. I didn't want to start unravelling the knots that my thoughts had tangled into. Not on live television.
Caesar only laughed, but luckily he didn't ask me to elaborate. "Understandable. This is probably all happening very quickly for you, isn't it?"
"It sure is."
"Well, Doctor," he continued. "You are the first victor in all of Hunger Games history to not kill one single tribute, nor ever even try to kill another tribute, during the Games and still come out on top. How did you manage that?"
I couldn't come up with a better answer. "I don't... I don't know."
"I suppose it was luck, then, that they all killed each other before you had to participate in the dirty work?"
"Yeah." Come on, Doctor, give him more than a one-word answer for something. I gave him a kind of apologetic smile, hoping that would make up for my lack of cooperation. I could see Steven glaring at me from off camera.
Caesar changed the topic smoothly. "We talked about the girl you volunteered for a bit last time. Have you gotten a chance to talk to her since you've been back? How does she feel about all of this?"
This one was a more concrete answer. Rose. How I missed her. "I don't know... I've not gotten in touch with her quite yet."
"I see. Doctor, tell me something you do know. Don't let the questions limit you!" The crowd laughed with him. I smiled a bit, too.
"Well, okay, um," I paused to collect my thoughts. "Can I talk about the fallen tributes?"
"By all means!" Caesar gestured to the cameras excitedly.
I drew a breath. Memory, don't fail me now.
"Most of them I didn't know going in. All different ages, all different areas of the universe, different areas of time and space and all that wibbly wobbly stuff." I chuckled lightly, trying to shake the nerves.
"Right," Caesar said, prompting me to continue.
"Well, I've said it before, but in all my years of travelling through time in space, I've never met a person who wasn't important and unique and loved. So this reality TV show you call The Hunger Games... I don't like how you all disregard their right to individuality, and to life. If you're put into the Games, no amount of tireless research can prepare you. I didn't do nearly as much as Hermione did. The Hunger Games have a sports factor, but that alone didn't make Oliver the winner. I'd like to say I had someone I was fighting for going into this, but other than Rose because I took her place, there was no one. I've never seen anyone fight so hard for someone as Rory did for Amy, his wife. But he didn't win." Was I crying? I focused on breathing. I had a good rhythm going. I didn't want to waste this chance. "Every one of us was nervous going into the Games, but still I didn't see one person more nervous than Molly. And do you know what I've always said about fear? It's a superpower. It can make you run faster, work harder, be stronger. But not even with fear on her side did Molly win. It's like Sherlock said, if I remember correctly: 'The individual with the most kills is rewarded for their actions with fame and money.' That doesn't make any sense at all! Maybe I didn't kill anyone, but I'm not the first one to win. Think about how many others were rewarded for murder. Not everyone can win, and they all have to turn on each other in the end. That's the game that we call entertainment. Let's all take a page from Prince Charming's book and not have a motive to kill, or to look at anyone with hatred. He died singing. Or Glinda – she died wearing one of her favourite ballgowns because no one told her no."
Caesar laughed nervously. I'd nearly forgotten how many people were listening to me. "I didn't think a victor could hate the Games," he commented.
"I've not finished. The scarecrow... we all knew he didn't have a chance going in. It's like Christina said, what was it, 'A lot of the tributes don't stand a chance. There are maybe five people here with a shot.' Maybe I was one of them in her eyes, and maybe not, but now she's dead, so we'll never get to know."
"You didn't seem to be so vocal about this while you were in the Games," Caesar interjected kindly. I ignored him and racked my brain for more tributes I hadn't yet acknowledged.
"I said fear is a superpower, right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you need to be fearless to win. Oh, but no, that was what Tobias was known for, but it's not him sitting here. I'd even put Alaska up there with him in the 'fearless' category, after she started that fire at the Cornucopia on day one. She didn't win. No one expected Isaac to get as far as he did, I'm sure, but somehow it came down to the two of us, and it wasn't even blindness that led directly to his death. Oh, wow, and the Pevensies... they lost a sister who loved them to death. Professor Kirke was older – a disadvantage at first glance, until you take into account that I'm nearly three thousand years old."
A few gasps came from the crowd. I only then realised how silent they'd gotten.
"No one said screw you to age like Moira did. I'm willing to bet half of you saw her as a pitiful old woman, and the other half as a young woman more than capable of taking care of herself out there. I never got a chance to really clarify how old she was, because we were enemies. Now I'll probably never know either."
At this Caesar opened his mouth to say something, but I interrupted him before he could clarify for me. No doubt she had told one of her allies her real age at some point and it had been caught on camera, but I was saying it rhetorically. I'd look up the answer for myself later.
"Tate was already a criminal. Now he'll never have a chance to try to change. Phil has already made his last video and Christine has already read her last book, and despite their competitive nature, they didn't win." I took a deep breath. "You get the idea. These were people with lives that terminated too quickly and inhumanely. People forget who they are when put through the pressures of the arena. How many cases of insanity have we seen in the past? Even in me, a little bit, in the end? I'm not saying I didn't want to win a little bit, but at what cost? At what cost..."
"Doctor."
"Yes, Caesar."
I looked up to see the entirety of the camera crew staring at me, the little lights on top of the cameras extinguished. I looked around frantically. "Why did you turn them off? I was talking to the people!"
"The people don't need to hear any of that. They're seeing commercials. When they go back on, you're going to take back everything you said and tell them that the Games are still a work of genius in your opinion."
"I'm not going to do that," I stated. "Turn the cameras back on!"
"I'm trying to work with you, Doctor, but there's only so much I can do. I don't want to lose my job and you don't want to face the consequences of treason against the Capitol."
He placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder and I let out a bitter laugh. "You can't make me say anything I don't mean. They'd notice the insincerity."
I stood and walked right out.