The meaning of love was deep, but I had made up my mind that it wasn't necessary.
I didn't need love and I didn't want it. It wasn't something that I yearned for, and it didn't seem essential to my life.
I had went my whole life trying to figure out what love was, and why I was missing it. After years and years of not having it, I figured it wasn't needed.
If not having love hurt so bad and made me feel so empty, I couldn't imagine what having love would do.
It all started at a young age with my parents. I heard plenty of stories about their love, and how they were too toxic for each other.
The stories explained what love should never be like, the stories forced me to stop searching for love.
I listened to people tell me that my father would beat my mother, and she would take it. She would allow him to mistreat her and neglect her like she was nothing.
When I came into the world he gave her the final ultimatum. It was leave to me with my aunt and be together, or be without him.
She chose the only love she knew and left me. I thought your parents were suppose to teach you what love was, but they taught me not to want love.
I didn't want to fall in love, I didn't want that commitment, I didn't want that intense feeling of affection. I hated the fact that love even exists and I always will.
Nobody can change that, or at least that's what I thought.
••
Onika Maraj.
Revolver: A repeating handgun that has a revolving cylinder containing multiple chambers and at least one barrel for firing. Revolvers might be regarded as a subset of pistols, or as an equal-ranking subset of handguns, distinct from pistols. Though the term "revolver" usually only refers to handguns, other firearms may also have a revolving chamber. These include some models of grenade launchers, shotguns, and rifles.
I looked at the clock, seeing it was a few minutes before twelve o'clock. I was beyond ready to leave this damn store, and on the verge of quitting for the one-hundredth time. I was one of the most short-tempered people on earth, but I somehow ended up with a job in retail.
The customers were so rude sometimes, and of-course, I was even ruder. If you had a nasty attitude with me and later asked how you looked in an outfit, I'd let you know exactly what was on my mind. If you were a sloppy ass bitch trying on a size 2, I would let you know that you looked a mess. I didn't feel like I was negative person, unless someone was negative to me.
No matter what I'd been through in life, I never took my problems out on anyone. I kept to myself, took care of myself, and worried about myself.
I was only twenty-two years old, and would be twenty-three in a few days. I'd experienced a roller coaster ride throughout life, but I'd never found anyway to blame anyone for my life struggles.
"It's twelve Maraj, you're free to go hun". I smiled at the older lady, who name was Mrs. Johnson. She was the owner of this lavish boutique, and she was also a friend of my aunt's. Her husband had passed a few months ago, and she desperately needed help while I desperately needed a job. My aunt told her about me, and I got the job onsite.
I didn't do much, but work the register and fold clothes here and there. Sometimes, I came in really early-like today. I came today at 6:00 AM and set the store up until 12:00 PM, then I would leave while she handled things for the rest of the day.
"Thank you Mrs. Johnson, see you tomorrow". She smiled, pulling me into a hug. "You're welcome hun, be safe out here". I smiled, walking closer to the door. "I will, you too".
I walked out of the store, feeling the breeze of the Atlanta wind. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't a hot day. It was the middle of April, and I'd expected the sun to be shining bright, but it was quite dull. I was a New York girl at heart, Queens to be exact. I'd lived lived in Queens until I was fourteen years old, it was the beginning of my freshman year in high school.
My aunt received a decent job offer, so she decided to start a new life in Atlanta. In the beginning, I was so upset. I didn't want to start my whole life over, especially on the other end of the country.
After a while, I just learned to deal with it and began to enjoy my life in Atlanta. It was a different scenery, different people and different styles-but I eventually got used to it.
I barely completed my high school career, since I was always in some type of trouble. I felt like I was an outcast, and fighting was my only way to make my position in life known.Back then, I didn't care how big or small you were-I tolerated no type of disrespect. If you rolled your eyes, I was ready to fight.
It took for me to go to jail for the third time, flunking two classes in my senior year, and seeing my auntie plead for me to stop. It hurt me more than anything to see my aunt cry, since she was the only reason I was surviving and I was hurting her. After taking summer school classes, I finally graduated in August-which was three months after I was originally suppose to.
After my twenty minute walk, I was finally walking into my apartment that I shared with one and only best friend, Jason. I'd met him when I moved to Atlanta and we'd been close as ever since then. I wasn't necessarily a friendly person, but he was my other half.
"You're finally home, I've been waiting".
I rolled my eyes, "What you waiting on me for, I'm not going anywhere- so don't even ask". He pouted, slipping on his Adidas Slides.
"It's my sister's birthday, she wants to go to the club. You're not doing anything else Nick, you can come". I kicked my Adidas off by the front door, walking into the kitchen to search for something to eat. "I have a life, and clubbing isn't a part of my agenda. You can go, but I would much rather stay in the house".
"Girl, your life consists of eating junk food, watching shitty ass shows, and going to that small ass boutique. I ask you to go out with me one time, and you're acting like it's the end the of the world".
I rolled my eyes, "First of all, your sister birthday isn't until May so fuck on. I'm not in the mood Jason, I just want to chill at home".
He sighed, "You know what tonight is Nic, you act like it would be a crime if you went out and showed your face. If you don't go and mark your territory, every bitch in Atlanta will be on his dick".
"Out of all people, you think I give a fuck? I don't care about being in a relationship, I'm gucci by myself".
"You do care, if you didn't care you would go".
"Fuck him and everyone else, he ain't shit and he never will be".
You probably wondered who I was referring to, didn't you?
My first love, the first boy I'd ever even thought about spending a life with. I was young when I met him, 15 years old to be exact. I thought that we would be in love forever and get married, have children and all of the other cliché shit.I gave myself to this boy, I knew him more that he'd ever know himself. I gave him my first kiss, my first everything, including my virginity.
Everything that I'd ever wanted out of life, I wanted with him. He was a 'bad boy' and I was a 'bad girl', I thought we were a perfect match for each other. He was my high school sweetheart, he was the person that helped me see something that I never thought I'd see. I'd always had resentment against love because of my parents, but he helped me look at love in a different view.
Everything that I thought we were changed when we were seventeen. I found out that he was sleeping around with another girl. I was a tough girl though, I thought that I'd get through it and still have the perfect man of my dreams.
Like a dumb ass young girl, I told him that I would never leave him and would him. I thought that it would be simple and we would still live a happy life, I knew that things were going to work out, my mindset wouldn't change no matter what.
I was eighteen, in and out of trouble, while still dealing with his issues. He was a well known guy in Atlanta, and I was his other half behind closed doors. It took for me to discover his cheating ways for a second time to realize my worth, and say fuck the relationship that we had.
No matter what I went through, I always put the fault on myself. Any decision that I made was because of me, and that was the honest truth. You just couldn't go through life blaming others for your mistakes, you just had to take the blame and move on.
A few months after our breakup, he was sentenced to three years in prison due to some trouble he'd gotten into. I could've cared less since we weren't together, but he was still the only man I'd probably ever cared about. After he served his time, he'd finally been released from prison. It was a big deal for the hoes of the city, but like I said- I honestly didn't give a fuck.
It was going to be a huge party tonight, celebrating his release, and of course- jaso wanted to attend. I refused to show my face and celebrate someone that I didn't give a fuck about.
He was the reason that I could never imagine myself loving a man. It was like a revolving cycle with him, and I refused to have him in my life again.
------------
Of course, after hours of pleading and begging... Jason had me going to this club with him. I wasn't necessarily sure how I would feel seeing him for the first in so many years. I knew that I'd changed as a woman now, and I'm pretty sure he did too.
As Jason and I walked up to the Bouncer, he scanned our IDs and hesitantly let us into the club. It was quite crowded, filled with a shit load of half-dressed sloppy women. Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd played throughout the club, while me Jason quickly searched for an open booth. "Please, no heavy drinking toight Jason". He smiled, "I will be drinking, but not too much".