No. NO! This can't be happening...
It's just another nightmare Gen... It's just another... Then WHY won't I WAKE UP!!!
Nothing feels real as we all stampede into that all too familiar hospital. Bridget's holding Liam in her arms and he's already crying.
I can't do this, Lord, God I can't please... If you need an angel or something take the cancer out of her and put it in me, Lord I'll work in heaven please, I can't lose Lacy, NONE of us can...
I guess the tears are still falling out of my eyes too. A mess of emotions, we all crowd the front desk and Michelle practically demands that Luke let us in Lacy's room without going through the sign in process.
He scans all of our faces and looks like he's about to break down too.
"Listen," he starts quietly. "I should... Probably take you to a separate room and.... Explain the situation..."
We all stare at him, dumbfounded until Michelle starts shaking her head saying,
"No... NO! Nothing good happens when you tell us to 'come to a separate room and chat!'
Hot tears stream down her face and Megan pulls her into an embrace and lets Michelle sob on her shoulder for a moment.
I barely heard her whisper, "Ssshhh Mich, what exactly did Mom say?"
"Tha-That she doe-doesn't have much t-ime..."
There's silence for a moment before Luke starts talking.
"You'll get some more time with her but... It's a weird situation. Your parents are talking to the doctors and making a lot of decisions that... Are impossible and shouldn't have to be made," he says angrily.
"What do you mean?" I whisper painfully.
He turns my way and we lock eyes and his tears finally spill over. It's ironic really, the fact that the two of us know more about Lacy's cancer journey than her biological family...
"She umm... The cancer has grown out of control... It's out of our hands... They have to decide if they eBay to keep giving her chemo to see if that gives her an extra month, maybe but it might end up killing her sooner as well because... Her body can't take much more of that... Poison we call medicine..."
No. No...
"How long... How... Long are the doctors saying that...?" Bridget stammers.
Luke takes in a shaky breath as we all hold our own.
"At most... Three months..." he squeaks out.
Bridget immediately lets out a painful sob and starts to shake so much that she had to put Liam down. Luke's tears start flowing faster and he comes around his desk and let's Bridget wrap his arms around him.
No. All I can think NO! I slowly sink to the floor and shake my head. The tears won't come anymore because I refuse to accept this as the truth.
Michelle starts swearing like crazy and her and Megan just rock each other back and forth.
All the sudden my vacant stare is broken by Luke getting down in front of me.
"Hey," he says gently.
I say nothing.
"You wanna... You wanna see her? Ben and his fiancée are in there."
I bite my lip.
He picks me up like a baby and stands up straight again.
"We've gotta be strong with her until the end sweet girl ok?" he whispers.
"I can't..."
"Yes, you can. And doctors are wrong sometimes. Whatever happens, you can't lose faith in God sweetie, ok? No matter what."
"Is she still hooked up to all those machines?"
"Not as any actually."
I know I can't leave her when it's hardest to keep smiling so I agree to go to her room with the rest of the family.
The scene that is before is when we open the door makes it hard to smile, while at the same time making it hard not to.
Lauren is kneeling beside Lacy who's sitting up, leaning against the back of her bed. Lauren has a wedding veil on and a simple white dress.
Lacy drops little pink flower petals on her head and says in a tiny voice, "Go may go kiss the groom. Be good to my big brother!"
Lauren smiles sadly and squeezes Lacy's hand. "I will baby. You're the best flower girl there ever was."
She stands up and walks over to Ben who had a river of tears flowing down his faces.
Lauren takes his face in her hands and wipes the tear streams off before pulling him into herself so they can share a kiss.
Lacy smiles and turns as she notices that we have entered the scene.
"Hi guys," she says with a weak smile.
That's the moment it all became real. I am flashed back to the day she was diagnosed and I was the only family she had to comfort her. Her ocean blue eyes reach my very soul and they seem to have lost the joy in them.
I have to swallow hard several times to keep from crying.
God, let it be me instead, please...
******************
Lacy was wiped out soon. We watched her eyes close and I swear my heart beat out of my chest, praying that those sweet, sweet eyes would open again...
Back home, I get the eerie feeling that the heaviness of the air is more than just sadness. Bridget and I trudge up to our room and sit on our beds.
She pulls up her knees to her chest... And starts sobbing again.
My breathing because uneven and soon I'm breaking down too. I go over to Bridge and try to comfort her however I can by placing my arms around her but her head shoots up and she sends me a rather uncharacteristic hostile glare as she demands, "Don't touch me!"
I jump, startled. We're both living the same thunderstorm of horrible emotions so I automatically forgive her for that even though I still found it strange... We could also go to each other for comfort... Why would she push me away now?
Well, I soon get my answer...
"Why is this happening?" Bridget chokes.
I glance over at her as the wretched tears keep falling from my eyes. At first I'm not completely sure she really wants me to say anything so I let the question hang in the air. But then...
"Gen. Why?" she pushes angrily.
I lick my lips and answer, "The world's messed up place-"
"Why did your God let this happen?"
My head jerks to the side to look at her, my eyes wide with fear and my heart breaking again, if that's even possible.
"Bridget? Bridget, I don't believe God gave Lacy cancer, I-"
"Ok. Ok say He didn't give it to her. Well he's certainly not stopping it from killing her now is He?"
"Bridget, stop that!!!" I demand, starting to get really scared.
"I just want to know-"
"Bridge, He could still work a miracle! The doctors could be wrong you know-"
"But Gen, what if they're NOT???" Bridget yells, pushing herself back into her feet. "What am I supposed to do then???"
"Hope!" I push.
"Hope," she scoffs. "I don't know why I ever believed in God when hundreds of kids DI-" she pauses and lets out a gasp of air. "Hundred of kids meet Lacy's same fate every day Gen. That's not ok."
"I can't make you believe, Bridget," I sob standing up to face her. "But you have to hold onto Him when you're hurting; He never promised things would be easy-"
"I DON'T GET YOU!" she screeches. "How can you still trust this GOD after He took your WHOLE family from you, and NOW-"
"BRIDGET THAT WAS A DERANGED SHOOTER'S FAULT NOT GOD'S!!!"
I don't even realize what I'd said until after the words left my mouth. Bridget stares at me, dumbfounded, looking wild as she flounders for words; loose hair strands sticking to the wet spots in her checks.
"Gen... I... I... All of them?"
I take in loud breaths that shake my whole body.
"Well... My um... my sister and my mom..."
I keep going so she doesn't try to look for any way to try and make it feel better-because I've tried for years and nothing works.
"My dad died overseas; he was in the army. And I recently found out I had a brother I never knew... My aunt... Ran into him... Drunk driving..."
"Lord have mercy..." Bridget whispers. I think it was a legitimate prayer and not just an exclamation; even after her whole blow up just now.
"Gen... I... I'm so sorry I'm just so upset I didn't mean to insult you, or God I just-" she pleads at a million miles an hour.
"I forgive you, Bridget. We're all a little out of sorts today."
"Still, that was completely out of line of me I-"
I silence her by throwing my arms around her. And this time she hugs back tight.
*hides behind pillow* I know guys, I'm so sorry, I nearly cried writing this!!! BUT I'm REALLY excited for the next chapter. I have a surprise for you guys and this one is on you are gonna LOVE!