Finn's arms came around my waist in a flash, as he yanked me back against him in a restraining hold, I struggled ineffectually, not even realizing that I was yelling profanities at him as he laid on the floor, hand over his jaw, still staring at me with that stoic expression. It pissed me off further.
"How's my brother?" I yelled, "How is he? I don't fucking know, why don't you tell me? Oh yeah, you can't because you fucking almost got him and me killed! You have no right to ask that, you bastard! Let me go! Shit I'm not going to kill him!" I said, huffing in frustration as I tried to break Finn's hold.
"Let her go," Dad told him, getting onto his feet.
Finn dropped me onto my feet without delay, and I turned on him. "Geez who's side are you on, here?"
"Don't you talk to me in that tone," He said to me, eyes serious. "I won't be takin' no sides here."
"He's a fucking piece of shit!" I gestured behind me with an incredulous tone.
"You watch your mouth, Darlin'," He ordered, and I pressed my lips into a thin line. "Now he's been my old friend for a long time now, and so have you," He gave me his fatherly squint, "I'm no saint, neither are you. Now he may'a done some stuff I ain't proud of, but neither have I."
I stared at Finn for a long time, as he challenged me to refute his claim. When opening my mouth only resulted in a held breath and a raised eyebrow from him, I crossed my arms, and let out a huff as I turned and leaned my back against the beam of the porch.
"Fine."
"I can explain why I-," I cut dad off with a glare.
"You shut up. I'm not here to talk to you. You can thank Finn that I'm not killing you right now, but I will not acknowledge your presence, do you understand me?"
He held up his hands, conceding to my raging stare, as he stepped back into the house and left us alone. I ignored the slight guilt I felt at how that hurt him.
Finn let out a long sigh, as he leaned against the porch, fingers at the bridge of his nose. Logan came up from where he stood at the bottom of the stairs, and Finn greeted him with a tired smile.
"Well hey, Fella, how's it goin'?"
Logan gave a half-hearted wave, eyes assessing the fact that I was still boiling with anger. "Alright, and yourself?"
"Oh, I've had better days...," He sighed.
He finally turned his eyes to me, as I stared ahead, and asked, "So what'cha need, Darlin'?"
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and remembering why I was here. I opened them when I'd pushed all my anger aside, and looked at Finn.
"There's been a change of plans."
He looked at me, fingers stroking his beard at my change of expression. "'That so?"
"Yeah. Ike took Victor. I'm going to get him back," I told him, "And I need your help."
He narrowed his eyes. Finn was an intimidating person, especially when he wanted to be. At that moment, though, he didn't mean to be, but I could feel Logan's uneasiness next to me. Finn's muscles tensed, and although I never looked away from his murderous gaze, it sent chills down my spine.
"What's the cabby number?" He asked, voice dark and dangerous.
Code for 'what's the location?'.
"I can't tell you that." I told him, straightening my shoulders against the protest I knew I was going to hear.
Finn growled, "Darlin', you ain't goin' in there alone."
More intimidating, was Finn's voice when he got angry. Calm, collected, a threat behind every sentence. I stood toe to toe with him, though, shaking my head.
"I have to, Finn, he wants me, and if he sees anyone else he'll kill Victor."
Logan was close enough behind me, that I could hear his breath change. He knew what I meant. I'd just given away my plans by those words. But Finn was even angrier.
"Darlin'," He pointed a finger at me, "Now, you're an old friend, and I'd trust you with my life, but what you're doin' there is a suicide mission."
My thick swallow was audible, as Finn and I locked eyes, and he saw in mine the answer he didn't expect. I knew that. It wasn't like I was going in blind. This was no fight or die mission. This was simply a sacrifice. Finn's expression went from anger to stone cold in a second.
"Logan," He said, his tone causing Logan to straighten up behind me.
He cleared his throat, but when he spoke his voice was still rough, "Yeah?"
"Go on inside, make yaself' comfy."
Logan paused for a second, but when Finn turned his stone gaze from mine onto his, he complied, and left us alone.
"Now you listen to me, Girl," He leaned close, eyes boring into mine, "There're other ways of doin' this that don't involve you bein' killed."
"No," I told him, my voice resolute. "There's not."
"Jane," He began, but I cut him off.
"You don't know Ike like I know him, Finn. You don't know who he is!" I turned away from him, running my hands through my hair.
There was a long silence from Finn, as I calmed myself down. When he spoke, he seemed calmer, too.
"Maybe not," Finn said, and as I turned to meet his gaze again it was understanding, "But I know men like him."
I stayed silent as I watched him lean against the railing next to me, eyes unfocused as he seemed to stare through the walls of his house. Remembering.
"Back when I met yer' Dad, I worked under an affiliation of Ike's." My heart skipped a beat, my eyes widening. I'd never heard anything of this. Finn gave me a sideways glance, his expression knowing. "Never met the guy, never even knew his name until yer' Dad told me 'bout him," He assured, as if fearing that I may not trust him now. "But his right hand man was just as crazy." He gave a snort, "Liked to obsess, only his wasn't a girl, it was who to kill next fer' Ike. Guy had a hard-on for the guy, gotta say.
"I was a hit man fer' the gang, took out competition, er' people that pissed 'em off. I called myself a freelancer, but...the gang figured otherwise. My last job was ta' kill a guy that had pissed off the big man upstairs - Ike," Finn looked straight at me now. "Ike'd caught his girl sleepin' around with a guy, went into a rage and promised a reward fer' his head."
He stared at me, my oblivious eyes, and looked away with a sigh.
"That guy was yer' Dad."
My world spun, as my eyes opened wide to look at him. My hands balled into fists. Finn refused to look at me, rubbing his neck with a stoic expression, as understanding filled my features, and hot white tingles shot through my body.
"How many years ago was this...?" My voice was just louder than a whisper.
There was a long, hesitating pause from him, as he debated on telling me, but by that pause, I knew how long ago it was.
"Little over nine years ago."
I turned, grabbing the railing as my vision spun, eyes stinging with bitter tears. All that time I defended him. All that time, I was made to think he did it all for us.
"That bastard," I whispered, eyes closing against the tears I wouldn't let fall. "That goddamn, cheating bastard."
And that's when I remembered mom's words from so long ago, the look in her eyes, and the way she said them, seriously, with an undertone so heartbroken it was palpable.
"Find someone you can love as deeply and as passionately as you can - and never let them go."
The force of those words just about knocked my knees out from under me, as I realized what they meant. Mom knew. She knew all along. She never said a word to Kent nor I. She loved him. She loved him more than she ever let on to us. But it wasn't enough for him.
"Oh god," I groaned, "I said so many things to her....so many awful things...," I pressed my palm to my forehead.
"Now, don't start that. Ain't nobody's fault but his own," Finn said, his gruff voice holding a hint of what I realized was anger. He liked what my dad did just as little as I.
"Anyway," He sniffed, rubbing his beard with a pinched expression, "When I found yer' Dad', he had already scraped together a deal with the gang that he'd pay, cold hard cash, for what he did. We got to talkin', and he asked me why I was in this business," Finn chuckled, his expression softening just a bit, "Man could make ya' think. I thought about that for a long time, and came up with a genius answer. 'I got no clue.' I was a retired vet of eighteen years, my life was in the shit-hole, and the gang picked me up, got me on my feet. Guess I felt I owed a debt.
"But as far as I was concerned, the debt'd been paid years ago. So I told 'em I was retirin'."
He looked at me, eyes dry. "Well, I pissed 'em off."
I snorted, shaking my head as all this new information just about overloaded my brain.
"Yer' Dad helped me escape. Gave me a good chunk'a the money he was gettin' from his day-job," He winked at me. "And suggested I hide myself well."
"So this," I gestured around, "Is how you support yourself?"
"Once a dirty bastard, always a dirty bastard," He grinned at me, "I had a few connections, though most of mine were lost, as a result of loyalty ta' the gang. So I used all I had to get my rental business started, under the alias'a Monte Carlo."
I rolled my eyes, grinning. "That stupid name. Remember when I called you all those years ago?"
"Like it was yesterday," He nodded, fingering his beard as he squinted at me, "Called me Finn over the phone like some dumb brat. Still do that. I thought I'd been found."
I shot him a wink, and although I was still reeling, it was easy to relax with Finn. "Well you had, but by a better audience."
"Well I'd say so," He gave a fond laugh, ruffing up my hair with his big hand.
His hand slipped from my head, as he studied me, smile fading. "I can't let ya do this, Darlin'."
"It's not your choice, Finn," I said, not exactly happy about it either.
"Well I'd say I had a say," He furrowed his eyebrows, "You were gonna' take over the farm fer' me."
I rolled my eyes, although his words warmed my heart. It was the only real way Finn could express that I was like a daughter to him. He was gonna give me the business if I wanted it.
"Ah Finn, you know I ain't a car person." I winked at him, smiling.
"Aah," He grunted, "It was worth a shot."
We both chuckled for a moment, but then Finn was serious again.
"There's other ways, ya' know."
"No," I looked at him in the eyes now. "There's not. Not anymore. He's taken too many of the people that I love. I won't risk more."
"That ain't yer' choice, Darlin'," He pat me hard on the shoulder as he gave me a lop-sided grin. For a moment I saw the handsome young man he used to be. "I'd be damned if I let'cha die."
"Finn-," I started, but he threw his arm over my shoulder and steered me towards the door,
"So let's go get a plan together I can agree with."
Inside, Dad and Logan sat across from each other, silent as the grave. I ignored Dad as Finn walked me in, and sat me down next to Logan.
"I'll make some tea."
He left us alone, and I played with my fingers as Logan refused to speak either. I think he was a little hurt that I planned to go on my own.
"So...," Dad trailed off, and I couldn't help but make a face when he spoke. All I could think about was the things he'd lied to me about.
Without thinking about my own words, I spoke, looking up to meet my father's eyes.
"So was it worth it?"
I was sure the resentment, rather, the hate in my eyes tipped him off, or perhaps it was my stone cold expression.
Nevertheless, he played dumb, as if hoping I didn't know as much as I did. "Was what worth it?"
"Your game with that black crow in the panty-hose."
The code wasn't exactly subtle, especially with my scathing tone, but Dad narrowed his eyes at me.
"How big of a bowl did you buy?"
'How much do you know?'
"Oh it's a grand punch bowl," I leaned forward, hands on the cushions beside me as I couldn't help my glower.
"You watch your language, young lady!" Okay, so 'grand' may have meant the f-bomb, but I was too angry to care.
He glowered right back. "You and your mom and your brother are everything to me!"
"Why don't you tell that to your motor home?" I snapped at him.
Motor home wasn't exactly a nice code word either. Pretty sure it either meant whore, or prostitute. Probably both.
"Don't you call her that, you have no idea what you're talking about," He spat, making my lips form into a thin line.
"Maybe I don't, but I do know that Mom loved you. And you threw her away like some old scrap of paper."
I suddenly felt so much vindication for the life he was living now. It was karma. He was reaping the consequences of his own actions. But the vindication turned to more anger as I realized that in doing so, he made us collateral damage.
"You are such a...a...," I pressed my lips into a thin line as I stood up, staring down at him as he pointed at me.
"Don't you say it."
"A snake!" I spat, my voice so loud that it seemed to make the whole room a little quieter.
Dad stared at me, narrowing his eyes. This word I had only used once, and it was to describe Ike. Snake in code meant a lot of scathing things, Sneaking bastard, lying, manipulative. Evil. Dad was the definition to me at the moment, but I couldn't help the guilt that I felt as his face went smooth, and he hid the hurt from his eyes too slow for me not to catch.
He stood up, hands in fists, as we both stared at each other with visibly labored breath.
"Well," He stated, voice wavering only slightly, "I won't ask you to forgive me, but at least listen to me before you jump to conclusions."
"Nothing you could say would make this sound any better," I said to him with a rough voice, "You deserve every bit of what's happened to you."
He sucked in a deep breath, and I knew I'd really hurt him. I was the only one that accepted his way of life, condoned it because I felt that he was doing it for us. I was the only one that never disowned him. I didn't realize that I was crying until I blinked and realized Dad was gone from my vision, left from the room, his footsteps retreating down the hall. My breath was labored for a different reason, as tears finally escaped and ran down my cheeks.
The clinking of ice made me turn my head, and Finn stood in the doorway, tray in hand. His stoic gaze made me realize he'd been there for a while, and I pressed my lips together, ashamed to be crying in front of him.
"Let's just get this over with," I said, sitting down as I quickly ran both hands under my eyes, wiping up the shameful tears.
Without a word, Finn stepped forward and set down the glasses on the table. He sat down across from Logan and I, offering us the glasses he made. I took a glass with trembling hands, but forced my face to remain stoic. Logan took his own glass without looking at me. He was still upset.
"Alright," Finn rubbed his hands together, "So what about the bailouts?"
"Keep them out on the board, but change their purpose," I told him.
"instead of removin' the pawns, use 'em for better," He nodded in agreement. "What are we usin' 'em for?"
"Distraction," I took a long sip of my tea, "But also to buy time."
He tilted his head in question, so I continued. "I want them to make their presences known. Ike knows I'm angry now, if word gets out that I'm heading that direction, he'll think nothing of it."
He narrowed his eyes a little, understanding where I was going. "So they head in that direction, and then you come in from the flank?"
I smiled at him, although it was small. "That's the plan."
"That's all well and good for getting in," Logan interjected, and I looked over to meet his gaze.
He wasn't just upset - he was angry, I realized. His gaze told me he wasn't happy with my decision so far at all.
"But how do you go from there? How are you going to get out?"
I stared into his eyes for a long silent moment, my face smooth, before I opened my mouth, and spoke carefully. "I'll make sure Victor gets out."
He narrowed his eyes, his voice lowering to dangerous levels as he asked, "And you?"
I looked away now, down at my glass of tea. Logan moved when he saw I wouldn't answer that, setting his glass down on the table with unneeded force.
"That will not happen!" He shouted, and I flinched.
I looked up to argue, but Finn's calm voice interjected.
"I have to agree with your friend, here."
I looked at him, desperation in my gaze. "Finn-,"
"You know what I said out there - we got other ways ta' go about this," He gestured to me, "Ya' got friends on yer' side, Darlin'."
I pressed my lips thin, blinking away the tears in my eyes as I looked at him. "And that's exactly why I can't let anyone interfere."
He leaned back, and although his eyes held an undertone of anger, his demeanor was calm, ready.
"Well now, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I saw fear'n that gaze'a yours," he told me, gaze leveled with mine.
My mouth twitched in annoyance. "Wouldn't you be afraid?"
"Mmhm, I guess that's true," He nodded, almost condescending as he agreed with me, "But I've never known ya' to let some fear drive ya' to stupid actions."
I narrowed my gaze at him, "Finn, don't you test me right now."
"Why not?" He waved his hand, "Seems to me only way I can get'cha' to see reason's to get'cha' thinkin'."
"Finn-," I warned, but his sharp and disappointed tone cut me off.
"If you're stupid enough to give up our help cause yer' scared'a some wimp-shit, you ain't the girl I thought you were."
I stared at him with a level gaze, but I was a little hurt. Mostly because I knew he was right. I was just...tired of being the catalyst to all this bullshit. I just knew that if they got involved, there was a good chance they'd be hurt, or possibly killed. Ike was going to get what he wanted, and I figured if he had it, he'd finally leave everyone alone.
"Victor," Logan's voice was grudging now, and my ears perked at the name. I looked over and met his eyes. His expression was pained. "Wouldn't let you go through with this. Think of how he'll feel."
I blinked. I hadn't taken that into account. Or perhaps I didn't want to. But seeing Logan's expression, I realized that he wasn't just talking about Victor. His begging eyes portrayed that he was simply using Victor. These were his words. His feelings. But his words did make my heart wrench. Victor....would never forgive himself. His entire goal throughout our relationship was to protect me at all costs from Ike. My eyes trailed back down to my glass, as I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Victor...will understand...," I began, my own words sounding false to my ears.
"That's bullshit and you know it!" Logan stood up, and I looked up as he stormed across the room.
"Logan-," I stood to follow him, but hesitated, as he made his way out the front door, slamming it behind him.
I bit my lip, and glanced at Finn, who was looking at me with a dry expression. "This really easier, Darlin'?"
My expression dropped into a sarcastic one, before I groaned long and loud, and said finally, "I know, I know! Fine!"
And with that, I followed Logan, ignoring Finn's satisfied smile.
Logan was leaning against the railing outside. His muscles were tense and he looked like he wanted to seriously injure the post next to him, as he gripped it with more force than necessary.
"Logan...," I trailed off, my voice gentle, but the look he gave me silenced me.
He was struggling with his own feelings, as well as his worry for his brother, I could see that now.
"Jane," He said, and his tone broke my heart. I could hear the desperate edge in his voice, the almost childlike pain and anger that he was struggling with.
I stepped forward without hesitation as he turned himself fully towards me, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I couldn't leave him like that.
I held him as tight as I could, hands gripping the back of his shirt as he responded in kind, holding me so tight against him that I could barely breathe.
"It's okay," I whispered in a soft voice, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry," I murmured, as he pressed his face into my shoulder.
What I didn't expect, though, was when he crumbled in my arms. This man who was twice my size, crumbled to pieces, knees buckling until we were both on the ground.
"Don't leave me Jane, don't leave me." He repeated, sobbing against my shoulder.
"I'm not going to. I won't," I murmured, hand rubbing his back as the other stroked his hair.
"Please," he pulled back, and as he met my eyes I knew what he was asking. "Please."
He reached for my face, pained eyes boring into mine as he measured my reaction.
But I put my hands on top his, causing him to pause, as I pressed my lips together. I couldn't. Not anymore.
He stared at me for a long time, before he let out a slow breath, and I saw it again. The turmoil, the death.... and then nothing. His face went smooth, eyes blank, as he pulled his hands from mine, and pushed away from me, clearing his throat.
I almost felt... disappointed. I wanted to smack myself that I craved attention to this extent. My disappointment was entirely of my vein side.
"I'm sorry," He murmured, voice barely over a whisper, as he pushed his hands into his pockets. "I know you love him. I know."
The tone of his voice made me want to reach out for him again. To explain that I did love him. But I knew what I would say after that.
"Just...not in the same way."
That would only make things worse. Logan was in love with me. But I was not in love with Logan. That was just how it had to be. I couldn't make it better by lying. Maybe it could have been different if we had met first. But we hadn't. Victor was my all.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, hugging my arms to myself as I looked away from him. "But I won't go alone. I won't....I won't let Ike win. So...if you still have it in you to help me...to help Victor...I won't ask anything else," I said to him.
There was a moment of silence as I didn't look at Logan, and Logan seemed to contemplate my words.
"When did you turn into this?"
His question startled me, and I looked up at him with an inquisitive expression. He was looking at me with studying eyes, his own expression contemplative.
"What do you mean?"
"You've turned....timid. You're not the girl I met. She would have gone in there guns blazing, ready to fight Ike head on. You...you're scared."
Immediately, my expression hardened, and I went on the offensive. "I'm not scared."
"Oh?" His expression turned dubious. "You seemed pretty scared to me."
I could feel my own stubborn anger rising up, and my hackles rose. "Do you need some extra bone and cartilage in your brain? Because my fist can help with that."
His hand found the back of my neck, slipping into my hair before his lips landed on mine. There was little time to react, as he kissed me hard, his other hand pressing to the middle of my back and pulling me flush against him.
And as quick as it began, he let me go, and I stumbled back a step, eyes opening to meet his striking blue gaze.
"That's the Jane I know."
And that was the Logan I knew.