LEXA POV:
I regretted what I said as soon as I said them, freezing as Clarke's dorm door slammed shut behind me. My heart was racing as tears welled up in my eyes, breathing unsteady as I thought about Costia, and how she had blown it for me and Clarke, and it hurt, because I truly thought that Clarke had one of those connections people only talk about in stories. But what hurt either more, was knowing that it wasn't Costia who had blown our shot, it was me. It was my reaction to my former girlfriend, it was me because I was still haunted by what Costia and I had gone through. I ran a stressed hand through my hair, spinning around and raising my hand to knock on the blonde's door, but I stopped. Hesitating before letting my hand fall with a sigh, walking away towards the door.
As I waited for the elevator, I thought about what I had said to Clarke, knowing it would have hurt her, and the thought of her crying alone in her room made me wince. I just kept replaying the events of the morning in my head over and over, just wishing I had taken Costia's lead and been civil, but no, I had to let the anger take over me, I just had to go and let it out on Clarke. I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes.
"Lexa?" My head snapped up to see Octavia standing there, a concerned look on her face. Raven and Wells were behind her as I just stood there, frozen, the sight of them only made me feel guiltier. I gulped, breathing unsteadily and stumbling back.
"I...I should take the stairs...You should go to Clarke, she probably needs you" I croaked, feeling my voice break as I broke into a ran towards the stairs, ignoring the cries of my name after me. I just ran. I ran down the stairs. I ran across the lawns. I ran and I ran until I reached only place I felt safe, the only place where I felt as though I was in control. I ran and I didn't stop until I was there.
The familiar smell of a mixture of sweat, fragrance and a tinge of disinfectant made me relax at the familiarity of it. My eyes wandering around the gym which I had seen too many times to count. The gym I had trained in since I was eight years old. I was still in my jeans, T-shirt and leather jacket, but just being in the room made me feel better. The room was empty, which was a relief, I didnt feel like facing anyone. So I just wandered over to the punching bags, which hinge from beams, beaten and slightly stained with blood. I looked at the raised mat where I had spent a lot of my days as a kid, practicing until my hands were bloodstained, beaten and bruised.
I walked foreward, hesitating before walking up the steps onto the mat, wandering to the centre where I closed my eyes, remembering the feeling of when I was first crowned World Champion in the Senior Devision when I was just fifteen years old. The sound of the crowd cheering, the look of calm pride on Indra's face, Aden unable to hide his excitement as he screamed his congratulations until his voice was hoarse. I remembered how my eyes scanned the crowd as I looked for...looked for Costia.
"That spot right there" I heard a voice suddenly say, snapping my eyes open to see Bellamy walking towards me, wearing a dirty looking white tank top and black shorts "Is the exact place where I first saw Aden. He was in a beginners class kicking some poor kids ass, I knew right then, that he had potential. He always talks about you, you know?" He said, as he walked up the steps towards me, a slight smile playing at the corners of his lips.
"He says he wants to be like me, but he's better than I was at his age. I never thanked you....you've become a role model to him" I informed him politely, fiddling with my hands, attempting to distract myself from the pain and guilt that was building up inside of me.
"That's a duty we share" He responded softly, a few moments of silence passing before he spoke again, his brow furrowing slightly as he stared at me with a look of concern and care "What's wrong, Lexa?"
He sounded genuinely concerned, and maybe it was because I was in a place where I felt entirely safe, or because he was the first person to ask, but I didnt have the energy to lie to him. And he was going to find out from Clarke anyway. But I couldn't hold it in. I allowed my muscles to relax as I ran a shaking hand through my hair.
"My former girlfriend is in town. Former girlfriend doesn't actually feel like an adequate term, like an understatement. But when I saw her...I wasn't exactly...calm, when I saw her. Clarke was there, I snapped at her when we got back to her dorm...and I realised that I'm still not over Costia...she's the ex, by the way" I sighed, shoving my hands into my pockets. My voice was croaky, about to break the more I replayed what I had said to Clarke over and over in my head, unable to escape from my own cruel words.
"That's a tough one. But Clarke is strong, she'll be okay..if that's what you're worried about" He comforted. I wandered to the edge, sinking to the floor and let my legs hang off the sides, the caramel skinned boy taking a seat beside me, seeming hesitant.
"Clarke and I were so close to becoming something. Then Costia showed up and...I was angry. Angry at Costia. Angry at myself. Bellamy, I want to blame Costia so badly for this. I want to say 'you caused this'...but she didn't. I caused this. I said some...horrible things to Clarke. Things that aren't true and things that I...I wish I had never said" I explained, the tears burning at my eyes like hand on a searing hot flame.
"You're afraid you'll lose Clarke" He stated, a hint of questioning to it as he raised his chin slightly.
"No...No, because you can't lose something you never had" I replied weakly, he laughed beside me, which made me frown. I didn't exactly see any humour in the situation.
"That's bullshit. Don't even try to tell me you two didn't have something. I don't know what you said to Clarke, but Clarke...she's forgiving when she wants to be."
"It doesnt make sense...I miss Clarke already. I barely know her. How can I miss someone I barely even know? It doesn't make sense-"
"Then you fight until it does make sense" He interrupted, cutting off my frantic start to a rant, walking a few steps forward "The fact that you are missing her- whether it makes sense or not- shows that this is something you need to fight for her" He spoke softly but sternly. I thought over what he was saying, my hands still trembling.
"I never got to say goodbye to Costia. Maybe that's why this is so hard, I never got to find out why she did what she did. She just left, and she left me broken...and after what she did...I would never take her back. She's not the one I want, but I have to fix things some how if I want Clarke and I to work" I told him, avoiding having to explain exactly what did happen. Because honestly, if I had to ever explain it again, I knew I'd break as easily as a glass hitting a hard surface. Costia broke me, she shattered me. And I'm not easily broken.
"You need to find closure from this Costia girl, you need to let yourself get over her before you jump into anything else. I...I had a situation like this once. Not exactly, but similar. My girlfriend, Lilly...she died. I met someone else, she was great too...and we were together, but I couldn't really be with her, because I wasn't completely over Lilly. You have to give yourself time, talk to Costia. Fix things. And if you need someone to truly understand...I'm here" He placed a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. I smiled, he had a kind of calm confidence about him, which I hadn't expected from what Octavia had told me. She has used the line 'He's more immature and reckless than the kids he teaches'.
"Thanks, Bell" I managed to say, barely above a whisper, not sure how else to react, allowing the words to sink in. Because he was right. Not only was it unfair on me to jump into a new relationship, it wasn't fair on Clarke. Or Costia, for that matter. Something had to change, and since it had been my fault for turning it into something bigger than it had to be, I knew what I had to do.
"What are you doing?" Bellamy asked as I pulled out my phone, searching for the number I could never bring myself to delete, gut wrenching once I saw the name on my screen, reminding me of a time when things were simpler.
"I'm calling Costia" I stated simply, a plan forming in my head.
"Are you going to try and get her back?" He asked hesitantly, seeming worried and shocked.
"God, no. She and I are over. I may not have closure from Costia, but I wouldn't go back to her. I'm calling her to fix things, after that....I can fix things with Clarke" I explained hopefully, begging it would work. I couldn't lose Clarke, I didn't know why yet, I just knew I couldn't lose her.
We both sat there nervously as the phone dialled, Bellamy staring at me anxiously.
"Hello? Lexa?"
My breath caught at the sound of her voice on the other end of the line. But not in the same way my breath caught when I saw Clarke....but in a way of fear.
"Yeah, it's me" I started, not sure what else to say "I..I just wanted to say, I'm sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have blown up on you like that, it was unfair"
She hesitated, the crackly silence making me feel sick with nerves.
"You're forgiven, Lex...I mean, Lexa. You're forgiven. But you realise it's going to take more than a phone call to move on from what's left of our train wreck relationship, right?" She joked lightly. I laughed in return, but it was very forced.
"Yeah, I know...what do we do about it?"
"Meet me in half an hour...I might have something in mind"
"Hang on, you want us to go on a double date? Me, you, your girlfriend Claire and Clarke? To prove that we would both rather be with other people than each other?" I questioned as I sat opposite Costia in some random coffee shop, my brow raised in confusion as I clasped my steaming mug.
"Yes" She answered, her soft brown waves falling over her shoulders. She was being so kind, so understanding...so Costia. It only made me feel guiltier. I sighed, pushing my cup away and sitting back. I was longing for Clarke's comforting touch in that moment, despite knowing I didn't deserve it.
"I don't deserve your kindness, Costia. I was out of line this morning" I admitted, she just waved her hand, as if she was dismissing it. "I'm serious, Cost. I screwed up...and not just with you" I spoke a little quieter.
"The girl you were with- Clarke- you two are dating?" She questioned, sipping at her tea. I shook my head, prodding my cake with a fork.
"No, not exactly. We nearly were..but then I saw you and.." I started, but couldn't bring myself to finish as I stared at the steam rising in soft swirls from my coffee. I could feel Costia's eyes staring at me, but it was a struggle to meet them with my own. Her hazel eyes were so painfully familiar. Eyes which I had stared into a thousand times before. But they weren't the eyes I wanted to be staring at.
"It's okay, Lexa" She comforted, hesitating before slowly placing her hand over mine, making my stomach churn. But it lacked what her touch used to have, the effect it used to have on me. It had lost its spark, but that didn't mean I was over the girl sitting in front of me.
"Costia, I can't go on a double date with you because I never got over you. I never got closure" I basically whispered. Her face flashed with shock for a moment, her silence too long for my liking, causing me to pull my hand away from hers and into my lap. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not still in love with you, and no offence, but I don't want you back. But I can't be with anyone, until I stop living in the past....until we talk about what happened" I could feel my voice about to crack as I spoke.
"O-Okay" She managed a smile "Ask me anything"
"Why did you leave when I needed you most?" I cracked, barely giving her time to finish her sentence.
"You need to be more specific-"
"Don't play games, Costia. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I had just been told that Lincoln- my cousin and close friend, had been killed in action during a fire rescue and I came to your place for support, because I knew I needed you...Aden needed you. We all did. But I walked in on you with that Ontari girl you lived next to. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that I was more than willing to forgive you, because I needed you. But you didn't want me to forgive you, in fact, you left me. You cheated, and you left me. Lincoln had just died and I..I had to go it alone. I felt as though I was losing everyone important to me and you left..why, Costia?" The tears were falling fast now, my heart aching at the memory as my body trembled. I hadn't spoken about the events that unfolding a year prior since the day after it happened, to Anya, when I had vowed to never talk about it again.
"I...I had to leave. Lexa, our love was dying and we both knew it. I couldn't keep going. And I know that isn't a valid reason and it was out of character...but I did still care about you. What I did was the worst thing I have ever done, and I've spent years regretting it. I planned to end it that night, then you told me about Lincoln and said you would take me back despite cheating on you with Ontari and...and I freaked. Lexa... I came back to apologise" She explained, also crying at this point as I listened intently "I was scared. So I left. Worse than that I left with another women who ended up breaking up with me two weeks later because I was just some fling to her... and I know you'll never forgive me, and that I don't deserve it, but I just couldn't not come back and at least try" Her sobs were quiet and muffled as she covered her mouth with her hand, but I was just sitting there, frozen. Processing what she had said.
Costia was right, she didn't deserve forgiveness. But Costia didn't deserve to blame herself either. And somehow, finally talking about it with her...it felt as though a weight that had been weighing me down for years had finally been lifted, and I was ready for my walls to be slowly taken down....but there was only one person I wanted to do that. I thought I'd be angry, I thought I'd never forgive her...but I didn't feel that way. Because it felt like ancient history, and I was sick of holding a grudge, even if what she had done was horrible. But I honestly wanted Costia as a friend, because she was a genuinely good person.
"You're forgiven Costia" I said after a few minutes of silence, a look of shock came across her, which I had expected. I wasn't one to forgive, but maybe I was becoming that person "I just...I just needed to ask why. It's weird, I was so convinced I wasn't over you...that it would take months to move on again. But it's like this conversation was all I needed. I thought I'd feel empty again, like after you left. It doesn't make sense" I thought out loud, shaking my head in confusion as I let my hands fall to my sides- only becoming more baffled when she started smiling softly at me, despite her tear stained face.
"You're blind for not seeing it, Lexa" She started "You don't feel empty, because just like me, you've found someone to fill the hole I left in you. You might not see it yet, but the reason you're finally over me, is because there's someone else who you'd rather break your heart. Hell, you'd probably let her break it a thousand times if it meant you got to kiss her just once"
"Clarke" I breathed, looking up at Costia in realisation. "I have to go. I made a huge mistake...thank you, Costia" I said rather hurriedly as I stood up, throwing a few dollars on the table. It was like everything had become clear to me. Things that had been at the back of my mind, came to the front. Feelings I was unsure about, suddenly became feelings I was certain of. Maybe's became definitely's. I no longer just thought I was Clarke, I knew I wanted her. More than that, as crazy as it sounds, I felt as though I needed her.
"Where are you going?" She questioned, to which I just grinned.
"To win over Clarke, of course"
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Hi,
So here is an actual Bellamy scene, since he hasn't gotten much attention. I don't think this is as good as my other chapters maybe, I know it's definitely the chapter I've struggled with most so far. A lot of changed in what I wanted to happen. But yes, there we go, the reason why Lexa was so angry at Costia. I was going to write Costia as a not very nice person, but I've always seen her as being as someone who would have been kind. So I went with that, which I hope you liked. There was a lot of Lexa blaming herself, but she has finally realised that she feels something real for Clarke, so stay tuned for that. I really hope you liked this chapter, even if it perhaps wasn't as good as the others. If you want to comment or anything, that would be great. I read all the comments and I love hearing your thoughts on what is happening in the story and so on.
Another thing is I am going to try to have an upload schedule to make sure I'm staying ahead and that I have time for schoolwork, because this is an important year for me. But anyway considering it's you who are reading this, I would like to know if you have a preferred day for me to upload? Perhaps on a day where you have a bad school timetable and want a distraction pr whatever...or just a preferred day. Yeah, let me know.
Thank you again for reading, honestly I appreciate it so much. I am really enjoying writing this and I just love getting your feedback. So thank you. I'm so grateful.
Do you have any fears?
I have a slight fear of deep water in the ocean and waves pulling me out of my depth. Also kind of have a fear of failure and not achieving something.
Thanks again for reading :)
-Lara x
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