By: phangirlinngforphan on tumblr
Word count: 2,500
Summary: Where they're at Vidcon and just want to be alone together.
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i.
Fuck, he'd forgotten about the enormity of this event.
He's stood with a suitcase grasped in one hand and his other itching to be holding the person's beside him.
But he can't do that.
At least not yet.
Dan sighs and his feet shuffle slowly toward the entrance of the hotel that he and Phil will be calling home for the next few days. There have already been sightings of groups of teenagers milling around the building and the security staff have informed them that it's probable they'll be inside the hotel, too.
"Here we go again." Dan murmurs under his breath. It's loud enough for Phil to hear him and throw him a sad, half smile in reply.
Restricted glances and half-hearted smiles - that's what the next few days will be. That's how Vidcon always goes.
"We'll be okay." Phil says quietly.
It's like a comforting hand squeeze, the way Phil says 'we.'
ii.
They've reunited with Louise, dodged about twenty different vlogging cameras in succession and already Dan's exhausted.
He would never go as far as saying he suffers with anxiety, labelling himself with a mental illness he doesn't know much about is ignorant in itself, but the way his body feels heavy and the sheer effort of having to socialise and force smiles with long-distance friends truly is taking its toll.
In an act of what he can only describe as 'best friend and boyfriend mind meld', Phil looks over at Dan just as he yawns and furrows his brows. It's then that Dan's phone vibrates in his pocket.
To Dan (from Phil): you okay? xx
The way Phil uses the a row of love-eyes emojis makes it hard for Dan to grin discreetly in the group of people he's in, but he doesn't care too much if people see. Phil's grinning equally as unabashedly, anyway.
To Phil (from Dan): just tired i'll be fine don't worry xx
To Dan (from Phil): too late, matey
He's typed out the words 'what the fuck' when Phil stretches and yawns dramatically. He has to resist an eye roll.
"So sleepy already." Phil complains. Dan can see right through him.
"Aw, poor English baby." Louise teases, poking him in the arm. "You two should get a quick power nap before the party in a couple hours. Can't have you falling asleep in your cocktails."
Dan likes the way Louise can say 'you two' and everybody will know who she's talking about.
Phil nods. "Yeah, you're right." he says and stands up, faking another yawn. Dan almost snorts.
He traipses over to Dan and extends a hand, "Come on, you."
They've been together for six years and yet Phil still manages to make him blush in front of all their friends in the easiest of ways.
Dan takes his hand and stands up. With Phil's arm loosely wrapped around his waist, they bid farewell in the form of a salute to Louise and the rest of the group with the promise that they'll be at the party later' - a sentence that makes Dan's stomach churn.
Phil's arm is still draped around his back when they walk down the hallway back to their room. One part of Dan wishes they could do this all the time. Be a normal couple. Hold hands in public and kiss each other on the cheek in front of crowds just because they want to and not give a flying fuck about what people will say.
But it's been too long and drawn out and they both know they'd never admit to what they are to their fans. Not now.
Maybe he's feeling brave, or perhaps he's got defiance spiking through him, but he takes his hand and links it with the one Phil's got clasped on his waist.
"Love you." he says.
Phil doesn't even blink. "I love you, too, Dan."
So he leans over and presses a kiss to Phil's cheek, because why the fuck shouldn't he show his boyfriend how much he adores him?
And then as they round a corner they spot them.
A small gathering of teenage girls, giggling and wearing cat-whisker emblazoned t-shirts are huddled by the end of the corridor.
Their hands unlink.
Phil's arm drops like it's been burnt and the feeling of Dan's kiss is still warm on his cheek.
"Oh my gosh, it's Dan and Phil!" squeals one of the girls.
Smile on. Head up high. Show time.
He loves their fans. He does. Of course he does. How can he not love the people who he owes everything he's achieved to?
It's not that he dislikes Vidcon or any other of these grand scale YouTube conventions, it's simply that he feels fake.
Sometimes, his smiles are forced. He's always pleased to meet fans and god, the sheer thought that his existence makes these people happy is more than he can say for himself, but it's tiring.
He'll take selfies and sign things and give them hugs and listen to each person as they tell him that they love him and Phil. It's beautiful, really.
It's the issue that he feels as if he's hiding his true self and he despises that. His relationship with fans is better than most. They talk like they're friends, as it should be. It's just that he knows. He knows that the majority of them are analysing his every movement around Phil. He's 'heart-eyes Howell', he sees the photos and the gifs and sure sometimes it really is a look of love, but sometimes it truly is just a look and they're never going to be satisfied to know that.
Not all of the fans are like that, so maybe he's cruel for his last thought, in fact lots of them are respectful and he sighs happily when he meets those ones.
It's scary. He and Phil never know what sort of fan they'll encounter and that's why he worries about these events. What will they ask him? What if they're lurking and see an intimate moment? Would they be nasty and out he and Phil if they had proof?
"I love you both so much!" one of the girls gushes. She's got sharpie black whiskers on her face and her iPhone even has them as her lockscreen - he has one of those moments where he can't believe this is his life.
"Thank you!" Phil replies, "I have a lot of love for you, too! And your phone case, very cool!"
Gosh how he envies how cool and calm Phil is. He always knows what to say and do whereas Dan stands awkwardly beside him and chokes a little.
But he signs their things. He takes about ten selfies. They hug and exchange small talk until Phil says they need to go. So they wave them off and wait until they've disappeared to enter their room.
"I'm gonna edit the Dil video, you should take a nap." Phil suggests.
He's already fishing in his suitcase for his laptop and Dan hates that what was meant to be quality time alone is turning into Dan sleeping and Phil doing work.
However, of course, Phil is right. So he settles on the bed and curls up, closes his eyes and tries to sleep his anxieties away.
Phil's earlier words lull him.
"We'll be okay."
And maybe they will.
iii.
Dan wakes up alone.
He rolls over and something crinkles under his back. Phil left a note, really?
I left you to sleep and went to the party so let me know when you're coming ^_^
- Phil (obviously. who else? nobody i hope. okay i'm done now.)
p.s. don't be mad okay you looked tired and i couldn't wake you i would feel too bad
If Phil wasn't so bloody adorable in everything he did, Dan might be the tiniest bit irritated that he left without him. As it happened, Phil was somebody he could never be mad at.
He changes his t-shirt and decides against texting Phil. He may as well just turn up, and plus he has an idea where Phil might be.
He finds Phil by the food stand, as he suspected, chatting animatedly to Louise. From a distance, he stops and admires his boyfriend, a fond smile painting his face.
Phil oozes happy vibes and it's catching. It's hard to not feel uplifted when you're around Phil.
He comes up to him from behind and pats him on the shoulder, whispering "Boo," in his ear.
Phil jolts a little but giggles nonetheless, "Hey, you're awake!" He says.
"That I am." Dan says. He opens his arms up and goes to give him a hug that he's craving badly, but Phil stiffens.
"There are fans taking photos from the windows." Phil explains sadly.
"Oh," is all Dan can say when his arms droop and flop to his sides.
Another night, another few hours where he can't even touch his boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," Phil starts to apologise but Dan waves a hand before he can finish.
"Nah, it's not your fault is it?"
Louise gives them both a sympathetic smile and envelops Dan in a hug.
"Here you go, Dan, you can hug me instead." she says.
Dan relaxes into the hug and snickers, "Thanks, Louise." he's laughing but it's sincere, and they both know it.
The night continues and the tension Dan is feeling is becoming unbearable. He just wants to be with Phil. Alone. Actually show his boyfriend some love and affection and the fact he's so fucking restricted from doing that is destroying him.
There are hundreds of other people around him. They're sipping on wine and sucking beer bottles, reuniting with long-distance friends and everybody's laughing. Music is throbbing through the speakers and he's smiling but it's not quite meeting his tired eyes. Phil's beside him and every so often their fingers will brush - it's a gesture that says 'don't worry, we'll be alone soon, it's okay.' and it's more than enough. So he keeps smiling.
iv.
Phil isn't stupid and can tell that Dan is suffering. Needless to say, Phil's hardly pleased at the situation either, so he resolves to do something about it.
Dan's in a conversation with Joey and Louise when Phil comes and whispers in his ear, "Follow me."
Dan blinks several times but follows, leaving Joey and Louise to share a knowing look.
"Phil where the fuck are we going?" Dan asks almost exasperatedly.
They've been walking for a couple of minutes now and Dan has absolutely no idea where they're headed.
"Just follow." Phil says.
Eventually, through a winding pathway of alleyways and dead-ends, they end up at a courtyard. There's a small fountain in the middle of it and benches dotted around the side.
"I thought we could use some time alone." Phil explains eventually with a shrug.
"You've got that right," Dan grumbles.
He's surprised when Phil hooks his arms around his neck and brings him in for a kiss. He pulls away quickly and, nose to nose, whispers, "What about the fans watching from their windows?"
Phil shakes his head, "They can't see us here. Louise showed me this place earlier, thought we might need it."
Dan grins into their next kiss.
It's slow and soft, but urgent. His hands at the small of Phil's back and he pushes him closer, craving to be as near to him as humanly possible.
They pull away and simply hold each other. Dan goes behind Phil and wraps his arms around his waist, his chin resting on Phil's shoulder and his lips pressing soft kisses to the underside of his jaw every now and again, just because he can.
"The sky looks pretty tonight." Phil murmurs.
He's right. It's dark blue and there are stars beginning to flicker and twinkle, but there are streaks of dark red and orange swirling together in a vivid haze.
It's nighttime but they're still holding on the time they have left in the day.
"Beautiful, yeah." Dan says absently.
Dan isn't looking at the sky though.
His eyes are fixated on the soft curve of Phil's mouth. He loves the way his eyes are shining brightly under the moonlight as he gazes in awe at Los Angeles sunset.
"I'm sorry today's been a bit rubbish." Phil says.
"It's hardly your fault." Dan mutters, kissing Phil's cheek. He marvels at the blush that appears afterwards.
"I know, but I hate that we have to hide like this." Phil says.
Dan's heart drops a little, but it's okay, because it has to be.
"It's just another one of those things, I guess."
"Hm," is all Phil says.
There's a faint sound of bass and pop music coming from the main party and Phil can't resist from doing what he does next.
He spins in Dan's arms and offers his hand.
"Dance with me."
Usually, he'd scoff, make a sarcastic comment and pretend as if the gesture hasn't made his day. But this time he knows the only answer he wants to give.
"I'm all yours, Phil Lester."
The moon shines down on them in milky spotlights as they twirl and sway to the far away music. Sure, Phil has to go on his tiptoes to get Dan to twist under his arm, and Dan's shoes are so clunky and huge that he steps on Phil's foot at least five times, but none of that matters.
"I'm not very good at dancing." Phil says.
"We're not so much dancing as we are swaying in each other's arms right now." Dan points out with a snigger.
Phil chuckles and rests his head on Dan's shoulder. It's almost like a scene from some cheesy teenage movie, but it's utterly perfect and so them.
Dan would never dance for anybody. He hated his own prom in school and he's hardly lithe - but with Phil he couldn't care less about any of that.
"A few days and we'll be back in our own apartment again." Phil says.
"True," Dan replies, "But I reckon we'll have a good few days. It's always nice to see people, and at least we're together at the end of the day."
"You've changed your tune."
Dan shrugs and kisses the top of Phil's head.
"Yeah, well," he begins, "Sometimes there are these moments where you realise how pretty fucking good you've got it."
Phil doesn't answer, but Dan feels him grin against his shoulder which is answer enough.
And they continue to dance, forehead to forehead, to the faint, thumping music until it dies down under the watchful eye of the bright moon.
- Fin.