TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING.
I was sitting on the couch on my phone Saturday, when I heard Lin yell the S word from my room. My eyes widened, and I quickly shoved my phone into my sweatshirt pocket.
"Abigail. Leigh. Miranda." I looked up to see him standing in the living room, holding his small black pocket knife, his voice was shaking, like he was scared. "Abigail please, tell me there's an explanation for this."
"Um." I stuttered terrified, "I, uh, I'm..." I trailed off, he opened the knife, and I heard the F word escape under his breath, as he saw small drops of blood drip onto the hardwood floor, I forgot to wash it this morning.
"Show me your wrists." He instructed, and didn't wait for me to do it, he ran over to where I sat on the couch, and flipped both of my wrists up, shoving my sleeves up, to reveal clean skin. "Where?" He asked, "I know what you've been doing, show me where."
"Dad..." I started, "I'm sorry." I reached down, and pulled my right sock off, I pulled my foot onto the couch, showing him the little slits I had made in the skin in the past week. "I really am." I admitted, as he ran his finger over the tender skin, "I... I feel awful, I..."
"Why?" He asked. "Just, please, tell me why."
"I'm not quite sure, please, Dad, please don't be mad at me." I begged, I expected him to yell at me, but instead I felt my body move to the left, into him, he rested his head on my head.
"Oh darling, sweetheart, I would never ever be mad at you for this, it just, it just kills me, how long has this been going on?" He rubbed my arm lightly
"A little more than a week. The night before we left for Philadelphia."
"Peanut no," he hugged me tighter, "oh my gosh, why? Why didn't you talk to me? Or like, tell Dr. Dubois? Why are you doing this to yourself?" He asked.
"I'm so sorry." I whimpered.
"I know, I know you're sorry." He kissed the top of my head, "oh honey, I'm sorry, this is all my fault."
"How?" I asked, my voice light.
"I'm your dad, you're my responsibility, it's up to me to make sure you're happy, and, oh my little baby girl." He lifted me up from the couch, kissing my temple, he carried me into his room, and set me down on Vanessa's side of the bed. "I'm gonna grab ice cream, be right back." He ran out of the room and I heard him rummaging in the kitchen.
I broke down crying, he should be pissed off at me, I used his knife, I thought parents got angry at their kids for this.
"Oh, oh sweetheart, don't cry, no tears." He climbed onto the bed next to me, he handed me a pint of chocolate ice cream. "I know chocolates your favorite." He said, and pulled my sobbing figure into his side, "talk to me. Please."
"I just, I don't know, I don't, life sucks." I admitted, yanking the cap off of my pint of ice cream.
"No it doesn't, you're, honey what can I do?" He asked, holding me.
"What do you mean?" I asked, my spoon in my mouth.
"What can I do? To um, to make life suck a little less."
"Nothing, you're doing everything Dad, everything." I said still crying into my ice cream.
"Obviously not, because if I wasn't doing everything, you wouldn't have scars developing on your ankle, and you wouldn't be sobbing into a pint of ice cream."
"I hate the world."
"I get it, just, my small child, the world shouldn't be harsh to my small child." He said, kissing my head. "I want to yell at the world."
"Please don't, not because of me."
"I'm doing it, if it's people on the Internet, I need to do it." He pulled out his phone.
"Dad? What could you possibly say?"
"This." He showed me his phone.
@Lin_Manuel - Whatever issues you have with my daughter stop right now. If you have a problem with my 16 year old, talk to me, not her.
"I'm not done yet." He said, typing more.
@Lin_Manuel - I understand that the Internet is a place where we harshly judge everyone, not her. You will not bring her into this.
@Lin_Manuel - She's a little girl, she's a kid, she's not a celebrity, she's not an actress or singer, she's my kid, and she didn't ask for this.
@Lin_Manuel - Sorry about that. I'm just the Slytherin head boy protecting a Hufflepuff first year. So back off.
Following the last tweet he included a little GIF of an angry snake.
"Okay honey." He lightly brushed my hair back, "what do you want to do?" He asked.
"Now I want to watch Harry Potter." I admitted.
"I'll grab my laptop." He said, and kissed my head, running out of the room. He returned with the disk, his MacBook, and a little bag of dried mango slices. I slipped underneath the blankets, and opened the bag.
"Two questions," I started, "one, how did you know this is my favorite food? Two, how did you know my Hogwarts house? And Catorce, which one are we watching?"
"Four answers," he smiled at me, wrapping his arm around me, and pulling his laptop onto his lap, "One, I bought them once a couple months ago, and the entire bag disappeared from the kitchen, and that has happened every time, I learned to hide them. Two, I guessed your Hogwarts house, I can tell. Three, Order of The Phoenix, because it was the last one you read, and four, Catorce means 14, not three."
"Okay." I gave him a weak reassuring smile, and bit off half of a mango slice.
"I love you." He whispered, "please don't hurt yourself."
"I'm sorry." I sighed, "I love you too."
•••
I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during the movie, because when I woke up, I was still in Lins bed, but he and Vanessa were talking outside the door.
"Honey," I heard Vanessa's voice, "why is Abi sleeping in our bed?"
"Um, darling, I have bad news." I heard Lin sigh, and I buried my head in the pillows, and yanked the blankets over my head, "I found my pocket knife, but, it was in Abi's room. She's been cutting."
"No, no that's not possible, she's been wearing t-shirts, I would, I, I would have noticed, there has to be another explanation for this."
"No, V, she showed me, it's on her ankle, it's been going on for a little over a week."
"What?" I heard her voice, she sounded distraught, "my, my little girl, she, she's not hurting herself, she can't, why on earth would she? I..." She trailed off, and then I heard her again this time softer, "I love you so much."
"I love you too."
"I'm gonna talk to her." Vanessa said, and slowly walked into the room, "Mija? Honey, it's your mom, you awake?" She asked, giving me a light shake to wake me up.
"Mmhm." I replied, pushing the blankets off of my head, and sitting up the best I could.
"How ya doing?" She asked, brushing my hair out of my eyes.
"I don't know." I whined, and she wrapped me in a hug.
"We love you so much Abi." She whispered, "so much." I felt her kiss my hair, then pull away. "You're gonna go into work with your dad, okay?"
"Okay." I replied, playing with my hands.
"Sweetheart I'm so so sorry." She took my hands, and gently rubbed my thumb.
"I'm fine." I said, looking at my lap.
"Okay, whatever you say." She gave me an unconvinced smile.
"I love you mom." I whispered, hugging her.
"Oh honey," she returned the hug, "I love you too. Have a good day with your dad." She gave my hand a little squeeze, then left.
•••
A little while later I was being ushered into the theater by Lin, who still seemed angry with people. He walked the two of us into the theater, me in front of him, with his hands on my shoulders.
"Okay," he said, once we were inside, "you good to spend the day in my dressing room?"
"Yeah." I sighed.
"Atta girl." He said, "I packed you mango slices." He added, slipping his backpack off, I sat down on his bed.
"I'm calling Andrew and Javi in to watch you today." He said, starting to leave the room.
"Why does someone have to watch me?" I asked, eating a dried mango slice.
"I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, and I'm sorry about that," he gave me a sad smile, "I just, I can't trust you alone right now." My heart sunk a little, "I'm sorry peanut."
"I know I know, it's fine, I understand."
"Alright, also, I won't tell them what happened, just that, you're feeling a little down, is that alright?" He asked, and I nodded. He smiled at me, then left the room.
Once the show had started, I was sitting cross-legged on his bed, and Andrew and Javi were with me.
"Okay kiddo," Andrew started, "what's going on?"
"What did Lin tell you?" I asked nervously.
"Just, just that you're a little down today." He said, gently rubbing my arm.
"I don't know, I just, the world hates me." I sighed.
"Wait, what's going on?" Javi asked, immediately concerned.
"I don't know how to say it." I admitted.
"Can I see your phone?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said, handing it to him.
"Password?" He asked.
"4357" I answered and saw him type it in, he flipped through my social media, his face hardening.
"Abi," he started, "I'm so sorry."
"What is it?" Andrew asked, taking my phone from Javi.
"I, I can deal with it, I swear."
"Sweetheart, no. We have three hours, I want to solve this." Javi said, handing me my phone back. "Have you ever periscoped?" He asked,
"No?" I was a little confused.
"Okay, we're going to, that okay? It's like, it's a live stream." He pulled his phone out of his pocket.
"I can join right?" Andrew asked, and Javi nodded. "I get to hold the kid." He announced, and scooped me into his lap.
"Hello!" Javi said into his phone camera. I looked over and saw tons of little comments popping up on the screen.
- Wait isn't the show going on??
- JAVI AND ANDREW YAY
- Why are you periscoping during the show?
- Is that Abigail?
"Hi! Uh, so, yeah, the show is going on right now, I think they're on My Shot, and yep, we have Lin's kid here, actually, um, we're in his room!" He moved the camera around to show Lin's cluttered dressing room. "You've got your laptop, notebooks, and of course, picture of Abi dressed as Alexander Hamilton."
- SCREENSHOT IT
- When?? Why?? Oh gosh...
"I'm sorry, this is actually kind of a serious periscope." He said, turning the camera back to show me, him and Andrew. "So, I know from experience what cyber-bullying is like. I'm a 40 year old man, and it sucks, so, I can only imagine what's it's like for a kid."
- Wait wait wait... Abi?????
- Are people being mean to A?
- Murder
"Abigail's being treated pretty badly on social media recently, which isn't okay. A, how old are you?"
"I'm 16." I whispered.
"You're going into your Junior year?" He clarified.
"Yeah."
"So, apparently people feel the burning need to harass teenage girls on social media. Can I explain something to you guys? It's one thing to bully a celebrity on Twitter, they understood the risks going into it, they're putting themselves out into the world through their careers. Abi? She's a teenage girl, she was in the system for years, she was abused, she's adopted. Okay? Lin adopted her. Her dad is famous yes, but are you going to punish her for that? Let the kid live. She's not hurting anyone, she's not doing anything wrong. She's a good kid, trust me I know her. Look at her." He moved the camera to me, I was leaning my head on Andrews shoulder.
"Hi." I smiled a little.
- She's so precious
- My gosh she's adorable
- I'm sorry Abi you don't deserve that.
- Shes so tiny. #protectabi2k16
- #protectabi2k16
Tons of people kept commenting that, I smiled.
"So all y'all need to back off!" Andrew yelled, and I laughed a bit. "If I catch any of you commenting mean s**t at my little cutie pie, ima bring the hammer down on you trolls." I laughed a bit more, and Andrew pulled me into his side, and tucked my head into his shoulder.
"Okay! Bye you guys!" Javi turned the periscope off, "love you Abi." He tousled my hair a little.
•••
HOLA! I love you guys so much, so so much. I really do, you guys mean so much to me.
Thank you so much
I really do love you guys
Thanks for reading!
- Abi