HANA
2 months.
It's been 2 months since I last talked to Jaebum. I thought it was best to ignore and throw him away–before he does it to me. But it wasn't. I thought I would be happier. I thought the weights on my shoulder would lift and I could finally run free again.
But it hasn't.
Instead it was the complete opposite. I've started over again. Instead of having positivity, I've become my old self.
"Hana, are you okay?" Su-Min eyed me from across the table. I hummed and nodded.
I haven't told her anything, well except Mark. She understood me when I said me and Mark are on friendly terms, if only Jaebum could too.
"Are you sure? You've been kinda...quiet for awhile now? It's not like you.." She gave me a look filled with concern. I sighed.
"Su-Min...am I annoying?" I looked down at my lap, playing with the hem of my skirt. Su-Min was stunned.
"No! Why would you ever think that? Did someone say that to you?" She gasped, standing up with her hands on the table. I shushed her, pulling her to sit down.
"No one...it's just me personally thinking." I bit my lip. Su-Min wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
"What happened with you and Jaebum?" She sighed. I looked at her with wide eyes.
"W-what do you mean?" I stuttered, not knowing how to reply.
"Hana-ssi, word gets around quickly at school. I've known something was up with you two, just tell me. What happened, dongsaeng?"
"I.." I couldn't finish it. I wanted to forget the memory. Forget everything about Mark and Jaebum. Maybe I would be happier if I never met them.
"I...don't want to talk about it." I whispered, feeling bad that I'm not telling my best friend everything.
"Fine. When you're ready please know that I'm here." She gave me a wholeheartedly smile. I nodded and gave a weak smile back.
"Ah. You should go back home. I don't want your mom to get mad at you." She looked at an antique golden watch on her wrist that Jackson gifted her.
I was starting to re-think about Jackson. Is he the same as Jaebum? He couldn't be, Jackson is obviously in love with Su-Min.
"Yeah, guess so. I'll see you later. Annyeong." I waved at her before walking from the boba place we hung out at today. I stared at the ground, counting the cracks on the floor.
Walking is nice.
It helps me think about things and usually it makes me calm again. Finally. Finally everything was calm again. For just a few minutes in my life I needed it. I needed the clear thoughts without having to worry about something.
Honk. Honk.
I flinched at the sudden sound. Turning around I saw Mark, oh man. I hadn't talked to him either for a month. I should apologize, it wasn't his fault in the first place anyways. Well maybe it was but that's not the issue right now.
"Hana? What are you doing walking alone at 9 at night." He asked, he parked his car close to me. I looked away, not wanting him to see my face.
"I-I was walking back home from hanging out with Su-Min." I replied.
"Ah, I see. Do you want a ride?" He asked quietly.
I looked at him.
"No I'm fine-"
"No your not." He cut me off. I gulped.
"Hana, I've known you for a long time. I know when your sad and stuff. And I know your sad right now cause that shit face Jaebum did something. Now get in the car so I can drive you home and I'll feel bad about myself if I leave you here." He snapped. I was surprised by his sudden outbreak but agreed nonchalantly.
I got into the passenger side of his car, looking out the window. I couldn't face him right now. Everything in my head was still a jumbled mess because of him.
"What happened?" I sensed he was looking at me through the rear view mirror. I shook my head, not wanting to answer.
"Hana...I know it's about Jaebum. I've known him longer then I've known you. And I know he did something." He sighed.
I looked at my lap. He had a point.
I started feeling bad that I'm actually thinking of telling him, my ex who cheated on me. Instead of Su-Min, my best friend who knows how to bring a smile to my face.
"I don't want to go to much detail. But it's just...I didn't think he was a mean person. But he said some stuff to me and now I'm starting to think that maybe he's not different from every guy I meet. Maybe he's the same as they are." I spilled out my emotions controlling me. I saw Mark grip onto the steering wheel tighter.
I realized I just insulted him a bit.
"I see..." Mark whispered.
"Ah! I didn't mean to say that!" I quickly looked at him and apologized.
"No. It's fine. I was and still am a dick. You don't need to apologize." He smiled at me, I looked at him.
"S-so what were you doing today?" I changed the topic.
"Met with some old friends...at least I hope I can call them that still." He sighed. I nodded, giving him a small smile.
"Don't worry, Mark. I'm still your friend." I placed my hand on my his shoulder. He flinched. He probably felt perplexed with my mood change. I would've been too.
"Thanks. I feel reassured that not everyone in the world hates me, especially the one who should the most." He gave me a big grin.
"Your smile is still nice." I said, immediately becoming flustered about my sudden compliment. He froze and we both sat there for awhile, a knife could cut the tension in the air.
"T-thanks...Hana." He murmured, I nodded.
Once we arrived to my house, I was about to exit out the car but Mark grabbed my hand pulling me back.
"Uh wait. Sorry." He looked at me with sad eyes, "Can you just sit here for 5 minutes? I just want someone next to me for awhile."
I was stunned but slowly nodded sitting back down.
We sat there, he stared at something out the window. I stared at the sky.
It was dark and I tried hard to focus on it to see if I could find any stars. Weird of me too, especially during the present situation.
Maybe I should strike up a conversation. Break the ice.
I opened my mouth to say something but Mark beat me to it.
"Hana..." He looked at his steering wheel. I looked at him.
"I really am sorry. I just caused more trouble for you and Jaebum." He bowed at me, "Mianhaeyo."
"Mark it's fine. Plus you kinda just helped me see the real Jaebum. Or what I think is the real Jaebum." I murmured the last part.
I stared at him. He had his hair across his forehead today. I studied his features.
He really did grow up handsomely. I smiled. Of course it is easy of him to meet different girls.
Why am I thinking of that? It still hurts to even imagine him with another girl. Why does it though? I obviously cannot still have feelings for him. I placed my head in my hands, trying to sort this out.
"H-Hana? Are you okay?" He asked, worried.
"Mark." I sat up looking at him.
I mean there's only one way to figure this out right? It isn't the smartest way, trust me I know. But it was the most effective.
"Kiss me." I said, trying my best not to coward.
"H-huh?!" He looked at me with wide eyes.
"Just do it." I pleaded, I needed to know.
I don't want to think anymore. I don't want more things to worry about. I needed to know if I moved on from my first love. I needed to understand my feelings.
Unexpectedly I felt Mark crash his lips onto mine. I went along with it, waiting to see if it'll have an effect on me.
His lips moved in sync with mine, the kiss was laced with passion and love. But did I feel it?
I wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him closer. He placed his hand on my waist.
After awhile we separated, and I knew my answer.
And it scared me.
So much.
"You made me kiss you to see if you still had feelings right? To see if you still liked me?" He muttered, I looked at him. He was quick witted and I knew that.
"Y-yes." I nodded.
He sighed and looked at me grabbing my hands. He looked straight into my eyes.
"Park Hana. I've known you for 3 years, all of them loving you the same. One of them being your best friend, one of them being your boyfriend, and one of them being someone who you probably hated. And it's almost 4 years now. And I still love you. You might not feel the same about me, but I'll never stop loving you. Fuck I don't even know if I ever will stop. And I need you to know that." He suddenly said causing me to be a bit sad. My answer.
What was my answer?
"Mark." I started tearing up. How funny. Jaebum hasn't slipped my mind once until now.
Maybe it was Mark. Maybe it was the one who broke my heart who'll heal it again. But who knows?
"Let's try again." I gave him a toothy smile.
He gasped and nodded, giving a kiss to my forehead and hugged me.
------
"What?! You guys are back together?" Su-Min screamed from my phone. I finally explained everything to her, it was a lot to explain but I did it.
"Ugh, I have a headache." She groaned and I laughed.
"But it's worth it to finally hear you laugh again." She sighed, causing me to smile.
"But if you trust Mark so much then I'll give him a chance too. But I'm not giving him all of my trust. Maybe half." She explained.
"But me and him aren't...like officially boyfriend and girlfriend together. He decided to let it slowly happen. Because I'm not ready either." I explained.
"Ah, that makes sense. But what about you and Jaebum?" She questioned, I frowned. I don't know. I don't want to know...well at least not now.
"I don't know. Why would I care, he was just using me anyways." I sighed, plopping down on my bed.
"Do you want me to ask Jackson so talk to him? I'm sure he would talk to Jackson."
"No! Don't. Please. I really don't want to talk about him right now. Let's change the subject! How are you and Jackson?" I laughed awkwardly.
"We're good. It's been almost 3 months already and I'm surprised. He's actually not the dimwit I thought he was." She chuckled.
"So have you guys done...anything? I swear to god if you did I'm going to murder him." I exclaimed.
Silent.
"Oh my god. Su-Min seriously?!" I screamed and started panicking. I heard nothing until a lot of laughter.
"Surprise! We were joking." Jackson appeared into the call.
"W-what? Huh?!" I gasped.
"It was just a prank." Su-Min chuckled.
"Okay instead of killing Wang. I'm killing both!" I laughed, face palming.
"Oh no! We're so scared!" Jackson chuckled.
I remained silent still a bit angry.
"Don't worry, Hana. Me and Jackson both know that sex is after marriage. And oh boy is there a long way to go before that." Su-Min explained.
"But hey." Jackson chuckled, "You know what else is long? OW! Don't hit me!"
I laughed, the two of them really are a nice couple. I'm happy they both respect each other.
"So Hana! I heard you and Mark are together! That's great! Did you know Markson was a thing?" Jackson said gleefully.
"Huh? You don't hate him?" I smiled.
"Of course not! He might fuck up here and then. But I still love him with his faults and flaws. As a friend of course. But I still ship Markson." He chuckled. I smiled.
"Jackson can you do me a favor?" I asked.
"Sure!" He replied.
"Can you talk to Mark more please. He really needs a friend right now."
"Of course, I was going too anyways. Just afraid Jaebum was gonna yell at me. You know he really cares about you right?" Jackson said a bit too serious. I've never seen a serious Jackson before. I didn't know how to reply.
"Ha? Really? Ha. I'm gonna go to bed. Goodnight guys." I hung up. Putting my phone to the side I huffed.
You know he really cares about you right?
He was probably joking.
I turned around, laying onto my side.
Drawing circles on my bed I watched my television.
chime.
I froze.
Why did he text me? It has to be him, chimes my favorite text tone.
Quickly I got my phone.
Jaebooty: let's talk tomorrow. cafe @ four.