Dedicated to @julesleah . Those lyrics were absolutely perfect and your comment made me smile!!
Song: Bring Me The Night - Sam Tsui & Kina Grannis
Quick reminder, you all are perfect. Never feel like you aren't worth it because honestly you're worth way more than you credit yourself. If the going ever gets too tough, just remember that your life affects others in ways you don't even know. I just hope if you aren't strong right now, this helps.
twelve | stability
Sophia.
It felt like I was dying. I could physically feel someone repetedly stabbing me over and over again. It felt like my life was slowly slipping away as I continued to writhe in pain.
The blood torturously slid down my body.
I pinched myself to see if this was real life, I've never felt this much pain in my life.
I clenched my jaws with my eyes tightly closed in attempt to shut out the pain running through my body. It didn't work, obviously.
A soft cry fell from my lips and I wrapped my hands around my body and muttered incoherent words of pain. I curled myself into a ball and whimpered, please make it stop. Why is this happening, haven't I gone through enough for a lifetime?
But no, the person of metaphor continued to stab down my abdomen.
I heard the door swing open and the whiff of Liam crawled to my nose. With the force that he had flung open the door, it slammed into the wall. "Shit sorry, I was trying to rush in. What's going on? Are you okay?" he asked and his feet rushed to me.
Ugh, I didn't want anyone to see me in this state.
Talk about embarrassing.
And, he sounded like he was already having a hard time from what him and Ed were talking about nearly three days ago. He doesn't know, but I had heard him crying softly yesterday when I creeped to the bathroom. His soft sobs continuously replayed in my head and I just wanted to hug him.
But I also felt like ripping his head off.
I didn't hear him turn on the light, but his weight was now on my bed.
"What's wrong?"
As if this wasn't cliche enough, the pain increased slightly and I covered my mouth. A slight groan came from me.
"Sophia, please tell me what's wrong." He said with a very worried tone. He got up and the flick the light switch made when turned on was sounded.
He gasped then a stifiled laugh came from his lips.
"Am I dying?" I asked slowly and stared out into the lonesome blackness.
"You have," he paused, "I think you're,"
My face flushed, obviously I knew what I was on.
"I think your cycle has started." He said quickly.
If there was one time I was glad for me being phsyically impared, it was now. I didn't want to see the look on his face. "Do you need, um," His voice trailed off and I nodded. He cleared his throat, "Which type do you use?"
I wasn't blushing, trust me no, but instead I was covering my face because of how awkward this was going to get.
I shrugged, "Surprise me." I said quickly and set my hands down on my lap. I secretly hoped he gave me a pad because I had never used a tampon ever in my life.
So yes, the metaphoric person was mother nature releasing my unwanted eggs.
His feed padded out of the room and I quickly felt the sheets around me for any feel of leakage. Just to my amazing luck, I felt a wet spot. No I lied, spot was me being modest.
I had leaked on the bed and it felt like the freaking ocean.
Thanks mother nature, you couldn't have come in a better time.
Sigh.
I effing hate you.
Liam.
I smiled to myself from the look on her face. She was mortified. Absolutely and inconsolably mortified.
I walked into the ensuite bedroom and looked through the cupboards for ones that Danielle had left. She practically lived here while on hers, she said that I would make her feel better when she was at her worst.
I remembered the smile on her face when I would give her my infamous massages on her lower back to ease her pain. It worked like a charm. She would smile and the pain would subside. Then I just held her to my chest and played enough her hair as she fell asleep.
I shook my head.
Stop it Liam, it's over remember? She's moved on and out if your life. She couldn't deal with you anymore, ring a bell? She said it, she couldn't handle the way people treated her. I mean she took the verbal abuse well, but when it became physical, that was her last straw. How could I even allow it to get to that level? Maybe I was a bad boyfriend.
They wouldn't have hated her if I was just another guy. If I was just another guy, I could hold her close and tell her that my love is good enough.
What am I saying, I could've done these things now. I never really cared about the hate. I just thought she could handle it like I do, by ignoring it. But you can't exactly ignore when someone starts to hit you.
My love for her is unexplainable, and I know hers for me is the same from the text messages I get from her every morning.
Danielle: Goodmorning, I hope you have a really good day. I miss you lerm, a lot, and I hope you know I think about you every second of the day. I'll call you soon enough, I just can't right now. I love you lermie.
I loved her weird nicknames for me. Lerm and Lermie were two of her infamous names that I hated yet loved.
We just can't be together anymore due to circumstances.
I shook my head again and focused on what I was doing. I looked at the two colorful boxes that stared back at me. I held both in my hand and read the directions of each, one was more explicit than the other and my eyes widened as I read.
Make sure the string is slightly out, wouldn't want to lose that sucker now would we?
Oh God, why didn't she just tell me which one she wanted? Why do girls actually use this one, wasn't it like losing your virginity to youself, more explicitly, to an item made to subdue bleeding?
Look at me, worrying about periods. I have completely lost my manliness haven't I? Well that's just great.
Focus. Which one would she want? Does she enjoy placing items where there isn't any sunlight? Is she okay with something just sitting in there like it owns her. Was it really that embarrassing for her? I have sisters so I know about these things.
After a long and undecided argument in my mind, I decided on taking both boxes to her and letting her make her own decision.
I walked to her open door and stopped before entering. I laughed silently at what was in front of me.
She was frantically patting the white sheets of the bed, that if I must add, had a huge red blotch from her visiting friend.
I know I had seen the spot on her pants, but wow, her body really liked to release.
As soon as I lifted my foot to take a step closer, her body shot rigid.
Wow, her senses were really good. "Um, Liam?" She asked timidly, "I made," She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, "I made a mess." She said softly.
I nodded before remembering she couldn't see me, "Yeah, I saw." I replied lowly and walked to the bed, "I brought you both types, you decide." I rubbed my neck and held back a quick gag, "You can stay in my bed tonight since this one has suffered enough." I stifiled a laugh and her face lit up in embarssment.
She held the boxes to her chest and tried to protest but I barely let her speak. "Trust me, my bed is a lot more comfortable than the couch, you take it."
And finally after a few minutes of her trying to tell me no, she agreed. She scratched her neck, a habit that I had as well, and spoke up, "Can you take me to the bathroom.? I would lead myself, but it'll take longer, and the sooner is better."
I chuckled and slid one hand around her and helped her up. She was being extremely careful and tried to touch me as little as possible. I chuckled when she whimpered in pain when, I'm guessing, her stomach churned.
"Ow, wait, wait, wait." She said and jumped from toe to toe and wrapped her hand around herself. The red spot in the material of her pant grew a little wider.
It was really disturbing. Like an exorcism going on in her pants. I'm just not going to look at that, let me just focus on getting her to the washroom. "Are you.okay?" I asked cautiously. Of course she isn't, stupid question.
"Seeing as world war seven is going on in my ovaries, no, I am not okay."
I grinned at her newfound blunt attitude.
"Can we speed up the process Liam, I'm kind of dying here." She said impatiently.
"But you stopped," I reminded.
"No buts, just lead me." She said harshly. Danielle was just like this when she was on her monthly cycle, although Dani was less snappy and more whiny. I didn't mind one bit, I took anything to be able to comfort her in pain, even as awkward as menstruation.
I laughed to myself while I placed my hand on her back and she squealed. She scolded me for having cold hands, which she didn't notice before, then muttered multiple curses to me. "You're taking too long!" She whisper-yelled.
I scrunched my eyebrows together when my hand opened the bathroom door. "Why are you whispering?"
Her hands were slightly outstreched and waving slightly looking for something other than me to grab onto. She shrugged, "Because I can, now can you please stop touching me. I don't like when people touch me." She bellowed, this time more childlike and afraid than her previous harsh tone.
I dropped my hands from around her and took her hand. I placed it on the tub and looked to her. She already knew how to work it, she's been here for about a week and she's showered every day. "You've got it from here right?"
She nodded and dropped the two boxes to the floor, "Thank you." She said softly and stood there until I walked out the door.
***
How she did it, I don't know.
She managed to shower and use one of the two items herself. Herself. I understand that she's been blind almost all her life, but how they managed to get around without hurting themselves has yet to not amze me.
Everything she does amazes me.
I was in the process of leading her to my bedroom. "Wait, where are you sleeping?" She asked while stopping in the middle of the hallway.
I shrugged, "I do have a living room you know. The couch." I nudged her with the hand that was slung around her and pulled her to keep walking. She walked but kept quiet.
"Do you have any pills to um.. Kill the pain?" She asked nearly inaudibly when I opened my room door. "I don't mean to be a bother, but I feel terrible. I feel like I'm dying. Like a thousand knives are stabbing me trying to prove that one is sharper and each stab gets harder every time-"
"Got it." I cut her off and chuckled.
She doesn't have chornic blush syndrome like most girls do. Thank god.
"But no, I don't have pills, I'm really sorry."
She nodded and I led her to where the back of her knees touched the bed. She sat ever so gently and passed her hands over the fabric. At an instant after, she duffled over and groaned. Every word that came out of her word was a curse.
I quickly helped, or attempted to, by lifting her legs up and making her lay on the bed. She hand her hands wrapped around her lower abdomen and rolled until she was on her stomach, Tears threatened to fall. Then I remembered something.
"Sophia lie on your back." I stated then grabbed a pair of sweat pants from my drawer.
"What, why?"
"I'm going to make you feel better."
I realized how dirty that sounded after I said it. Her eyes widened and she looked like she was about to jump off the bed and find her way out the door. "Shit, I mean I'm going to give you a massage."
"No thank you." She quickly retorted.
I shook my head and undid the zipper to my pants. She wouldn't see me, so might as well change. her head snapped up when I began tugging the denim down my legs. "What are you doing?"
I chuckled and threw the pants to the side, "Changing." I pulled up the stretch material then walked to her again, "Turn on your back or I'll turn you." I said playfully and slapped her leg.
She shook her head again.
I let out a small huff of air and sat at the edge of the bed. "Whenever Danielle had hers, I would always have her lay down and I'd rub her stomach. She said it eased her pain."
I smiled back at the memory of watching as her whimpers of pain slowly subsided. I liked to watch her wild hair surround her in the pillow when she would fall asleep mid-massage. I still remember her smiling when I'd remove myself from her then lie next to her afterwards. I would run my fingers over the features of her face. My favorite being her lips. I liked to kiss her in her sleep because she was mine. She was mine and would be forever.
Well nothing lasts forever I guess.
I loved her so much. She has a piece of me and I don't think that she realized how much that piece meant to me. It scares me how much I sound like a girl, but guys have feelings too.
"Danielle, your girlfriend?" She asked.
"Ex."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
The room stayed quiet for what felt like ever. I spoke up when I remembered my previous comments, "Now turn around, I won't hurt you, I promise."
I wouldn't, honestly.
She shook her head yet again and I did what I had told her. I placed both of my hands on her hips and flipped her over so she was on her back. She shrieked and began slapping her hands around.
"Stop it," I stated more harshly than I intended to, "I'm really sorry, I just don't like seeing people in pain and I really want to help. It'll give me a sense of stability."
"Stability?" She questioned.
I nodded, "Stability."
She didn't question what I meant. Maybe she knew what I meant. I don't even know what I meant. I want her to feel safe around me, I don't want her to think that I'll hurt her, or that anyone will hurt her in general. I want to know that she isn't afraid of me.
"I want to be your stability."
"My stability?" She said softly.
"Yes."
"Oh."
I chuckled to myself. Is this how our conversations are going to go on from now forth?
"But what about your stability?"
I furrowed my eyebrows together, "I don't need stability. I have my brothers and best mate." I said referring to the guys and Andy.
She nodded, "Oh."
"Yeah." I scratched my neck, "How about that massage?" I asked quietly and scanned her.
"Okay."
Authors Note
Thanks for the reads and votes + comments! :)
Just keep voting, reading, commenting, fanning, anything! I love you!
Kik me - elmolovesyuu
-Khorena
BTW THANK YOU @thisbemeh FOR THE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS EDIT AT THE SIDE (i can see who you ship hahha but seriously it's absofreakinlutely beautiful!) the words say "keep me safe." if you can't see it :)
Edited