I pray you haven't forgotten about me. I rewrote last chapter a little bit. I think it's better than before and flows more but Idk. Btw this is long af. I've never written a chapter with so many words(over 5000). I hope it makes up for lost time. Anyway let's jump into it.
Gerard pov
I nonchalantly handed Mikey the phone then walked down the hall to the bathroom. I peeked into my room to briefly see that Frank was still passed out under the grey covers. I brushed my teeth and continued to stare at my completion in the mirror. It's hard not to sit there and point out your flaws, I've noticed. I don't do it as much as I used too and neither does Frank.
"Morning." Arms came from behind me and wrapped around my stomach and Frank rested his chin on my shoulder.
"Hey." I sighed, turning around to face him and felt my lips turn up into a small smile as I gazed into his droopy eyes and ran a hand through his hair that was sticking up in different directions. I could feel him drawing small circles on my back and I lifted a hand against his cheek. He closed his eyes and put his hand over mine. "You're beautiful." I heard myself speak and he exhaled a laugh, but I could see the way he blushed and leaned into my hand.
"Gerard." He groaned, his voice rough and low. I don't even care if I sound corny as hell, he's gorgeous and I honestly can't even handle it sometimes. Right now for example, my heart beat increases just by having him in the same room and being the one that makes his cheeks flush and the one that kisses him and holds him at night makes me feel...lucky. I mean, I found the boy I love and I can't imagine a life without him.
"I love you." He spoke. The sentence seemed to leave his lips so easily. I honestly don't know why its so hard for me to say sometimes. I know that he loves me and I love him, it's just it can make me so painfully anxious when I try to speak. When he says it first I get this rush of emotion and I all want to do is tell him I love him till the day I die.
"I love you too." I wonder if it hard for him to say I love you first? It's probably just a weird me thing. I rested my forehead against his and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips.
"You want breakfast? I'll make ya something."
"Naw I'm not too hungry yet. We should go out and get lunch later though." He pulled away and began stripping from his clothes. He pulled his shirt up over his head and tossed it into the laundry bin. I watched him in the mirror as he turned on the shower and it sputtered to life.
I dazed off and my thoughts went to last night and how I still needed to apologize.
All of his clothes were in the hamper and he stepped into the shower.
"Something wrong?" He asked and I realized I haven't responded to his question yet.
"Uh yeah we can go out.... by the way, I'm sorry if I like freaked you out last night. Mikey got a little upset with me."
"It's fine, I was more concerned than anything else." Frank pulled the off-white curtain closed and I listened to the consistent noise of water hitting the ground.
"It was just a nightmare. I was stupid to get so worked up." I shook my head and turned away from the mirror to lean against the sink. I know Frank would be more understanding in this situation, I mean he knows exactly what it's like. If anything, what I'm feeling his nothing compared to what he's been through. I shouldn't even be talking about it.
"Sometimes you can't help what you're afraid of."
"I guess..." How often do you dream about everyone you love dying?
"So Mikey was upset-"
"That I threw out all of his meds? Yes." I finished for him.
"So what'd you do?" His head appeared from around the curtain and I loved the way his hair clung to his forehead.
"Well I assume he figured it out because I don't hear him freaking out."
"Maybe you should go find him. Just in case."
"Yeah." I needed to leave anyway, the bathroom was beginning to fill with steam. I was about to walk back out into the kitchen wan I saw my moms bedroom door cracked open. It's usually shut and nobody really ever goes in there, not even her. I pushed on the door and peered inside, ignoring the pale blue 80's style carpet that never failed to capture your attention.
"Hey Mikey I-" Mikey was on the ground by the bed and I could see him just staring at something in his hand. I recognized the box that was placed I front of him. It's what Mom uses to store her pictures in and we used to go though them all the time when I was younger. Of course that was back when our dad was alive and we were still a family. I always assumed mom threw all that stuff away. All it does is remind you of what we could've had. "W-what are you doing with those?" I fell to my knees beside him and started picking up pictures off the ground and shoving them back into the box. I looked to see which one he was staring at and I smiled even though I could feel my heart ache. "I remember that." I hesitantly took the photo from his slender fingers and ran my pointer finger along the corners of the fading polaroid. "It was your birthday and I didn't fully understand the concept and I got jealous of you so I shoved my hands into your birthday cake." Vivid blue and white icing covered my face and hands, as well as Mikey's. Our Dad was crouched beside Mikey's highchair, smiling wide. He looked so young and happy that I almost didn't recognized him.
"What was he like? You know, before everything went wrong?"
Here we go.
I guess you could say I'm more prepared to talk about him. I'm not going to overreact or get angry.
"I'm not going to lie, there were times when he was amazing. He was like every ideal Dad. He went to work, came home, spent time with us. I knew he loved us. You could tell in the way he worked so hard every day. She would explain him to me and how their relationship used to be and it sounded almost fairytale like. Him and mom absolutely adored everything about you and growing up, I always thought we were perfect." I sat the photo on top of the others and shut the box. "Then dad lost his job and everything went spiraling out of control." It's crazy how successful parents can be at hiding things. "Dad was a recovering alcoholic. He decided to shape up after you were born. Of course, after he was fired he went back to drinking. I think he thought the only thing he could do to contribute to this family was work and once that was gone he just lost it."
It was such a fast decline. Sometimes I can't even wrap my head around it. At first, he'd just be out late drinking and I remember the sound of mom and him screaming at each other and how it bled through my bedroom walls. A month or so after that, Mom found out about his depression and suicidal thoughts. "Mom would go back and fourth day and night deciding whether to kick him out or not. She wanted to help him because she loved him, though I don't think anyone really could have saved him. Soon he stopped coming home all together and between the drugs and his alcoholism I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. Eventually, it was all too much for his body and be overdosed one night."
I looked over at Mikey and I could hear his hushed sniffles. "I hate myself for almost becoming just like him. That's why I don't like to talk about it."
"Gerard...-"
"But I had you, Mom, and Ray also Frank. I don't know what I'd be with you guys." I heard the shower cut off from next door and the walls creek as the pipes readjusted. I ran my hand down Mikey's back then stood up. "Come on, we should get out of here. Mom probably doesn't want us snooping in her stuff. I rested my hand on the oak door frame and waited for him to move.
"You're better than him, you know. I don't care what you've done in the past. I've forgiven you. I think you should forgive yourself." My attempt to change the subject failed, but what he said did make me feel better. I could've gone into more detail with this conversation, but I think it would've been unnecessary.
"I'd like to think so. Now come on, Frank and I are planning to go out for a little while, are you coming?"
"I don't know..." He trailed off, unsure.
"It'd be nice to get out a little before it gets too cold." I reason. November is flying by and Christmas will be here before we know it.
"Yeah, okay."
He quickly grabbed a key off the ground before leaving. I shut the door behind myself and decided it's none of my business. I entered my room trying to shake my bad mood off because really I had no reason to be upset.
Frank stood in front of my dresser with nothing but a towel around his waist. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his stomach like he did to me earlier. I sensually ran my fingertips up his happy trail, causing him to shiver.
"Stop it." He chuckled while leaning away, biting his lip. I smirked and collapsed backwards onto the bed.
Frank and I don't necessarily have a sexual relationship; yes, I've thought about it millions of times before, it just never seems like the time. We're either too sad or too tired.
I've felt different lately, I wouldn't quite say better is the correct word, but different for sure. There's no weight on my chest or impulses to cry the minute I hit my pillow at night.
I watched him pull on a black sweater and step into a pair of dark denim jeans. He yanked a brush through his hair a few times before sighing and mumbling, "I need a hair cut."
"Eh I think it looks fine."
"Gerard you are literally the emo version of Rapunzel."
"Why thank you." I mocked, though he was right.
"As much as I think long hair suits you, we should change it up, no?"
"Maybe." I'm not one for change, but to be fair I've had the same hair for majority of my life. Once bowl cuts were out of style I think my mom just gave up.
We met Mikey downstairs and he had a small smile on his face that seemed moderately forced, but a smile nonetheless.
"Well, are you ready?"
"Fuckin' ready."
"Alright, let's roll." I grabbed my car keys off the counter before exiting the house. I sat in the drivers seat and slid my key into the ignition. I felt a sense of déjà vu come over me as Frank sat beside me and Mikey piled into the back seat. I pushed on the radio and let it blare though my old car.
"You know I'd rather hear you sing than this crap on the radio, Gerard." Mikey complained from behind me. At least he's not a backseat driver or else I would fucking die.
"Yeah no, not today." I changed the station to an alternative rock channel and everyone was a bit more satisfied.
Over the years I realized there isn't much to do in this town. There's a whopping total of one mall and I remember mom taking me to the arcade there a lot.
God knows I haven't parallel parked in about a decade, but I managed to do it without gaining any lawsuits. I put a couple of quarters into the parking meter and left it at that.
We all eventually agreed to get lunch at this Chinese food restaurant that Frank is absolutely in love with, maybe even more than he is with me. Can't blame him though.
We exited the restaurant and I'm counting down the seconds until my stomach explodes.
Frank rolled up the sleeves of his sweater and I adjusted my jean jacket. This is probably the warmest November day ever. It was about 57 degrees, which is really odd for this time of year but I'm not complaining. Though it's probably the ever growing threat of global warming...
The side walk was busy with people who are probably starting their holiday shopping early. Christmas isn't something my family makes a big deal of, not since the 80's anyway.
"Mikey?! Mikey Way is that you?" I was thrown off at the sudden voice and glanced at Mikey to make sure I'm hearing this right, though he looked just as confused. We turned around and he was immediately wrapped in an huge embrace, more like tackle. I mean hell, they almost fell over from the force of it.
"Pete-" Was all Mikey could get out before being muffled against the kids shoulder.
I knew Pete. The scraggly unnaturally beach blonde 15 year old who wore Baseball caps almost everyday and the same pair of ripped skinny jeans. He was our neighbor for the longest time then he moved and switched elementary schools. In middle school they were reunited and became like inseparable. Mikey doesn't have very many friends and I haven't haven't heard from Pete since like August. I think we all just kinda dropped off the face of the earth once Ray died.
We didn't regularly attend school or anything.
"What the hell man? You haven't called me back or anything! I even called your Mom!" Pete was definitely Mikey's best friend. He knows Mikey just as much as Ray did, maybe even more so.
"Yeah I'm-um-" Mikey looked flustered as he tried to react.
"We need to catch up. Can you hangout for a little bit?"
"I-" Mikey looked at me for an answer, but I honestly didn't care. He needs to get his social life back.
"You owe me this much." Pete pushed and he was right.
"I know. Yeah let's talk." Mikey spoke apologetically. Pete pulled Mikey away and I watched them walk off. I couldn't hear their conversation, but I could just tell Pete was excitedly explaining something while Mikey just listened, desperately trying to keep up. That's how it always was.
"For a loner he seems to know everybody." I hear Frank speak.
I chuckled and pulled my cigarette pack out of my back pocket and lit one. I don't give a fuck if it's my second one today, we all die anyway. Frank sideways glanced at me with confusion and a slight frown. "I thought you were quitting?"
"You really surprised I couldn't keep that up?" I placed a smoke in my mouth and held it with the corner of my lips as I lit it.
"Not surprised, just," he paused, trying to find the right word. "Curious. I thought you finally softened up."
I raised my eyebrow and a smirk lifted the corner of my mouth. "I don't know, I'm pretty bad to the bone." I winked as I flicked the collar of my jacket up.
"You're an idiot." He tried to remain serious but failed as he faltered into a giggle and playfully shoved me.
"Maybe, but you love it."
"Yeah sure." He responded sarcastically.
I let out an overdramatic gasp, pretending to be offended and Frank rolled his gorgeous eyes. "So what else do you want to do today?" He shoved his hands into his pockets while we walked.
"I don't know. Anything but go back home." I'm not an outdoor person but being at home is starting to cloud my brain with cabin fever.
"I've got an idea and it's a surprise so let me drive." He lit up before dragging me back to the car.
~
"Frank, babe, where are we?" My eyebrows were furrowed and I felt a slight breeze tickle my nose and rustle the leaves around me. My eyes remained slightly shut as he guided me, making sure nothing hit me as I was temporarily disadvantaged.
"You can open your eyes." He announced from behind me.
And just like that I knew exactly where we were. My lips parted as I took everything in. The sun was already setting against a pink and purple sky and the leaves were still a vibrant orange that decorated the dying trees complimenting the sky as if they planned this. We were at the cliff overlook where we first kissed.
From here you could see the shops we were just at and the red neon sign from the Chinese food restaurant that we are probably going to order a lot of carry out from now on.
"I think about this place a lot," He began. "Whenever I think about you or kiss you, I mentally come here and it feels like a first kiss all over again. I wanted to come back before winter came and we would have to wait to see it without freezing our toes off in the process....Today made me really happy. It was nice to see Mikey and you smile. I've missed that."
"Me too. It was like everything just didn't bother me as much... probably fall from cloud 9 tomorrow though."
"We shouldn't look at it like that. It won't do us any good." Frank suddenly pressed, squinting as he looked out towards the sun.
"I know. I can't help it."
Frank sat down in the grass, not taking away his gaze from the view. He took deep breaths as if he was just trying to take it all in. The breeze, the sun, the sight. It made me realize he was right, this would be the last time before the snow hits and everything dies completely. The orange and red leaves will fall from each branch, crumpling up and decaying.
"I feel like it's been so long." He suddenly spoke up. "When really it hasn't been that long."
I knew exactly what he meant. I feel like I've know frank and been with him for so long but in reality it hasn't been. Today was such a change I wasn't ready for. I mean, I feel like our relationship has been put on pause and all the sudden we pressed play and left for is in motion again. It almost is that high I had when I first fell in giddy puppy love with Frank and after awhile of that, it died down, but now it's back and it makes my heart beat painfully in my chest.
Damn this is love.
Overwhelming love.
I sat down and without a single word I pressed my lips to Frank's. He seemed shocked at first but quickly melted into the kiss. I smiled against his lips as I tasted the hints of sweet and sour sauce on his tongue. I reached out to caress the side of his cheek and the other laced with his free hand beside him. His skin was warm against the palm of my hand and my hairs stood up as he tugged softy at the short strands of hair by my neck. He pulled away and moved my jacket to the side to give wet kisses on the side of me neck. I shivered as I felt his tongue against my skin and he let go go of my had to grab my hip and slowly lay back with me on top. He returned to my lips and we kissed slowly.
The kiss became more headed as his lips separated, letting my tongue explore his mouth. My lips tingled as they clashed with his and I could feel a titillating rush flow all the way to my fingertips and toes.
"Frank?" I spoke between kisses causing him to slow down.
"Hmm?" He pulled away and kissed down my jaw and all my thoughts jumbled up for a second.
"Have you ever thought about...us and- and where we're going?" Frank met his eyes with mine, lips swollen and pink. I nervously bit my lip and looked away. "Never mind. We should talk about this later." I breathe out and pulled away from him completely.
"Gerard." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "If were thinking about the same thing... then yes, I have." He spoke slowly. I stood up and leaned against the hood of my car.
"And? What do you think?"
Frank smiled a bit, and got back on his feet as well. "I'm ready, if that's what you mean. More than ready actually." I looked at him with surprise and he laughed that cute little laugh that made your heart stop working for a second. "I love you Gerard." He spoke like that was some kind of explanation for this apparently obvious news. "I know we've been caught up in a lot and we never necessarily had time for this- for us but I'm sure of how I feel."
I managed to nod and he came a little closer, resting his hands on my hips and kissed me briefly on the lips. I laughed then, I don't know what happened but all the sudden a rush of something came over me and I pulled his lips to mine.
I flipped us around and Frank sat up on the car and I stood between his legs with my hands running up and down his hips. I had no idea what we were doing and all I wanted was to be here with him and never stop kissing him.
We haven't talked in depth about sex, but we have talked about love and to me, when you love someone you wanna make them feel good and I think that feelings mutual.
I felt his fingers weave though my hair and tug on the locks. I suppressed a groan and began to kiss down his neck and stopped under his collarbone, sucking gently on the skin.
His legs wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer, making me heat up even more. We gently rubbed against each other as our tongues collided. Frank made soft noises of pleasure in the back of his throat and I loved the sound. I breathed heavily though my noise but all I got was the thick haze inducing scent of Frank. I pulled away gasping and Frank caught my bottom lip with his teeth and fuck was it hot.
This continues on for awhile longer before I decided that I couldn't take much more without losing it. Every sense was driving me fucking crazy. "Frankie baby, we should stop." I went to pull away but instead he interlocked his fingers behind my neck keeping me close.
His eyes searched my face, glancing down and licked his lips before muttering, "I want to keep going."
My eyebrows furrowed together slightly as I thought. "Frank I-" don't get me wrong, I want to continue. Its just that this would be another step in our perpetual relationship and I don't think I'm worthy enough to decide if it's the time or place for this. It's gotta be special for Frank. That's all I want.
"I've thought about it a lot and I've been kind of anxious, but I want to do this now... if you want to."
"Are you sure?" I asked, we were both already flushed and caught in the heat of the moment, but the sudden shyness that had come over him is screaming that this moment was real and this is what Frank wanted...
"I know we haven't talked about it much, but I'm ready and I want you. I feel like if we don't do it now then something else is going to come up and we will never be able to."
"We don't have to rush anything." I immediately assured. "The last thing I want is to rush this."
"I-I'm not." He averted his gaze and I tilted his chin up so he met my stare again.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you are one hundred percent sure you want this." I demanded, resting my hand behind his neck and pressing our foreheads together. His hazel eyes poured into mine with such sincerity that it almost took me off guard.
"I'm more than that. I want you." His voice was soft but firm and his lips were parted and slightly swollen from all the abuse. I ran my thumb under his bottom lip as his eyes turned lush with hints of lust pooling in them.
Suddenly my stomach erupted in even more butterflies as the realization sunk in a little more. He made the first move when it was obvious I wasn't going to, leaning in and kissing me, pulling me from my thoughts and that's when the blood seemed to flow to my brain and I helped him off the hood and we made it into the backseat of my car.
(This isn't quite smut but if stuff like that bothers you then skip?)
I vaguely moved my hips against his and watched his face for a type of negative reaction. I moved again and he let out a soft moan before our lips returned to each other.
Fuck he's so pretty. I can't believe he's here and mine. I kissed his neck and grabbed the hem of his sweater before pulling it over his head he did the same with mine. My eyes went everywhere as if it was the first time I've seen him and I lightly traced some of his tattoos with my finger tips. All over his upper body were different inked pictures and I made a mental note to ask him about the meaning of every single one later. His skin was so warm and I swore I could feel his erratic pulse that pounded under his skin as my palms ran down his chest.
I feverishly reconnected our lips. Our tongues pushed against each other and saliva was messily exchanged, but it felt so fucking good.
I pushed my hips harder and faster against him, determined to evoke another noise from him. I moved to suck on his earlobe while unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them off.
Just like everything else in the world Frank had flaws, but his flaws make him even more amazing. I know he hates his scars and I'm sure he's thinking about them right now but Im determine to make him think about me instead. The many things that mark his body are nothing more than a story and that's just how life can be sometimes. From the colored tattooed pigment that stained him to the faint scars that littered his arms and thighs are what make Frank human and that is beautiful.
I licked down his torso and left hickeys in various places all over and he whimpered and rested his face in my hair and massaged the back of my neck and shoulders. I kissed down his abdomen and traced my smirking lips over his stomach and his muscles jerked away from the feathering feeling.
Frank was taking deep spaced out breathes and I could tell he was desperately trying to calm himself down. I've known frank long enough to know what he's self conscious about but I wish he wasn't so tense around me.
"You're so beautiful." I whispered against his skin and he shuddered in response. I kissed his stomach and I could see his breathing increase as I got closer and closer to his crotch area. I loved hearing his breath hitch as my teeth left dark hickeys on each side of his hips and he squirmed under my touch. I pulled his boxers off and abandoned them on the car floor. I bit my lip once Frank was fully exposed and he immediately lifted his gaze up towards the roof with his eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed.
I could sense the very moment he was beginning to feel slightly self conscious so I kissed along his inner thighs whispering compliments against the soft flesh. There's so many things I wanted to say but I couldn't seem to find the words and I hated that because I want him to know that he is absolutely perfect to me.
He whined faintly as I continued to lick and bite everywhere. He began to moan as I left the purple and blue marks all over his hip bones and below.
"Gerard." He gasped, hands flying to grasp my hair and pulling. Everywhere tingled like millions of needle pricks if he tugged hard enough. I could tell Frank wanted more but I wanted to drag this out for as long as possible. I want him to feel completely comfortable with me even if it takes all night. I've only been with one other person other than Frank and we weren't too close, but we had sex. They're my only previous sexual experience and it's nothing like right now because I feel so much for love Frank with every touch. Though, I was unbelievably turned on and wanted to stay like this, I eventually went further as the desperation and lust we both felt became heavy and my erection was stiff in my jeans.
I was high off of Frank, his taste, his smell. I was drowning in it and I loved every second of it. I was snapped out of my thoughts by Frank's wrecked moans.
"Gerard you have to stop. I-I'm gonna come." He warned, voice higher and incredibly lewd. I pulled off slowly not realizing how intense it got. I watched Frank's chest rise and fall as he tried to catch his erratic breath. His eyes were squeezed shut, but they opened to meet mine. His pupils were dilated to the point where I could barely see the hazel rimming around them.
"Have you changed your mind at all?" I asked trying to hide the sexual desire that bled through.
He shook his head and swallowed. He was still trying to catch his breath and I watched the sweat that clung to his forehead glisten in the moonlight.
"Tell me if you want me to stop and I will." I spoke with all seriousness.
"Okay." He manges to speak.
~
"Gerard?" Frank's voice cut into the darkness and I opened my heavy eyelids.
"Yes?" I croaked out. Trying to stay awake as the rhythm of his stomach rising and falling with each intake and exhale breath lulled me back to sleep.
"Thank you for everything and for today. I feel the happiest I've felt in awhile...Just thank you for loving me and..." He said something else after that but I couldn't hold on the the words as everything faded into sleep.
Oh this was badish... but anyway Ayy I'm not dead. Here is the update after like four months! I actually like this one but I can't write smut so I like avoided it. I've never written smut or anything like that before so I'm sorry if that was too cringy to even handle. Also you have no idea how many times my phone autocorrected Mikey to Miley or Money😂 Anyway thank you so much for all the comments that boosted me to write! This fic has 7k which is awesome! Thanks for that.
~Kayla :)