Creepy, was possibly the only word in the English dictionary that could describe school at night. It was so impossibly empty even silence echoed in the dark halls. Every step I took further into the shadowed corridors reverberated endlessly, rolling off each surface, barely fading before the next took its place. It was so strange seeing it this way, usually the halls were so packed with people it was impossible to take one step without elbowing someone in the head. Imaginary laughter of students played across my mind, almost like a horror movie. I shuddered at the eerie thought, flicking my hair out of my eyes so I could see just a little better in the night.
Maybe it’s just the fact that you know this is possibly the last time you’ll ever see it.
How appropriate.
I sighed heavily, even the sound of air rasped noisily down the deserted school walls. Without the bustle of students and teachers the school seemed larger, as if it expanded in the time that people were absent. The grey walls loomed over the polished cement floor, their shadows hiding the worn scuffs marks and cracks. Blocks of lockers had been built into the walls at every few feet, the metal causing the echoes to sound creepier than humanely possible. I had no idea where to go from here; in fact it was possible to say that I had no idea what I was doing here to start with. But I knew, I knew all to well.
Accel.
Accel. I breathed in sharply, pushing away a jagged edge of pain before it could knife my heart. You had to leave him… you know you did. At the end of the large hall a door loomed, its metal frame shining in the moonlight. Scrunching my eyes closed I picked up my pace, pushing away the thought of Ace’s piercing glinting in the same light… the way he stood beneath the streetlight, furious, confused… dangerously alluring. Snapping my eyes open again my feet ate up the final stretch between me and the door, trembling hands slamming it open with more force than necessary. Cool night air rushed over me once I was outside, pushing deep into my lungs.
Leaning backwards I rested my head back against the cool glass, my skin burning where it met the frigid surface. Is it right to be doing this? Isn’t this just running away again? The one thing that you promised yourself you wouldn’t do and you’ve gone and done it anyway. Hypocrite. Sighing heavily my hands found the pockets of my grey hoodie, eyes cast downwards to the tips of my black and white converse. By the end of today it will all be over. For better or for worse right?
The school yards sprawled before me from where I stood on the worn pathway, the cheap tin roofing hiding the full moon. Pausing, I took in the still beauty. From the shelter of the pavement my eyes followed the hill that sloped gently from the railed path, before flooding into a huge open oval area. It seemed to stretch forever, but I knew it only appeared that large because of the night.
Nothing lasts forever.
On the left side lay a grandstand, stairs into whatever heaven there was left. Its shadow dominated the enormous grass space, the blackness almost made the grass appear white in the moonlight. The oval had always been my favourite part of the entire schoolyards. Although it was so big, there was always room to escape from heaving masses of people crowding the halls. Underneath it was where I was apparently headed.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in deep one last time before pushing myself away from the metal framed doorway. Away from freedom more like.
I never remember the path being this long, I thought, watching my lone shadow flow across the grass in time with my steps. Time kept passing so eternally slowly, trickling away one tiny grain at a time. Thinking about it made it worse, made the walk extend even further. Not that it t already feels as if I’m walking the green mile or anything. Deep unsettling sickness sank lower in my stomach with every unsure movement, my hands balled into fists and shoved deep into my pockets, shoulders hunched and guarding my soul from the world. I didn’t want them to see, I didn’t want the world to know. One look at me and they could tell I was hiding a deep dirty sin.
Why should it matter? I wanted to yell into the open air before me. Why should it matter who it is!? I have a right to love just as much as anyone else!? I deserve it for fucks sake. After everything that’s happened to me in my life, for god’s sake I deserve at least this.
Grinding my teeth together I pushed my fists deeper into my pocket, until I remembered that material was just that, cheap woven strands of cotton… breakable. People just don’t understand… and it’s not like I expect them to but… why can’t they just be more accepting? Suddenly I didn’t want to go to the locker room anymore, knowing that only pain would come of it. What was the point of me walking into my own death trap when it would have been waiting anyway?
This whole thing is just so wrong… despair slowly began to creep its way into my mind, tangling around every thought. Despite my silent protests my mind was slowly filled with images of Accel… well of Accel and I. Nothing in the world mattered to me more… nothing. Why do you do this to yourself Andrew? Why do you put yourself through this?
That’s easy isn’t it?
I do it for Accel.
Groaning in frustration my hands slipped out of my pockets, sliding into the mess of my hair. Soft strands ensnared my fingers, knotting tightly around the slender limbs. Ace’s hair always felt so much softer then mine…
“Aargh!” I yelled, attempting to banish the thoughts. Wrenching my hands away I stumbled to the rail of the pathway, slipping underneath it so I stood out in the open air, bathed in the moonlight. Don’t Andrew! Don’t even risk it… think about that and nothing’s going to work… stay strong…
It was a lie even to myself.
One lonely tear tracked its pitiful way down my cheek as I sunk heavily onto the surprisingly dry grass. It was impossible to forget Accel… to just merely disregard the feelings I held for him. There was no other way to describe it. To simply cast him aside like a no-body, like he had no meaning to me… it was disgraceful, hurtful and shameful, and I couldn’t do it.
Fuck this… why am I even here? I thought as I gazed up at the stars above, they were dull in comparison to the glowing orb of the moon. I let myself fall back into the soft grass, my head falling onto the gym bag I hadn’t even noticed fall behind me. Doing this without Accel… it’s impossible. What did I even think coming here alone would achieve? I frowned at the question floating across my mind. What did I think coming here would achieve? Nothing… that much was certain now. But before? When I thought I was strong enough to push myself away from Ace? More like run away you coward. You couldn’t even face him.
Because if he knew what I was doing… he’d lock me up and never let me go.
Isn’t that what you want? Secretly? For him to never let you go again…
It can’t be.
I closed my eyes, letting blackness wash over my thoughts, wiping the slate clean. Slowly it sank deeper and deeper, exhaustion suddenly crashing over my body like a tsunami. I tried to open my eyes again but they refused, my mind peeling away from consciousness.
You can’t sleep here… my mind protested weakly. It didn’t really seem to matter anymore. So instead of protesting and arguing like I should have, I let dreams claim my mind.
***
“Andrew?”
“Andy boy! Hey! Whatcha doing here man? Hey… hello…. AJ! Hugo… I think he’s asleep…”
“Ughhh….”
“What’s he doing here then?”
“I dunno! He’s waking up though… ANDY! HEY!”
The bag beneath my head was suddenly ripped from where I was resting. Luckily, something soft broke the fall of my head as it thunked heavily from its sudden lack of support.
“What the…?” I groaned, clutching my head as I sat upright.
“Morning!”
Eventually Razza and Hugo’s face swam into view, spinning slowly in the harsh morning light. A breeze danced across the school yard, ruffling their hair and gently caressing my face.
What the hell! What the…. Just… wait… why am I here… I… WHAT?
“Aah!” was all I managed to say.
Razza kneeled down so he was at the same level as me, a radiant smile beaming across his face. Does this kid EVER stop smiling? I thought as I stared at him with blank confusion. Hugo merely stared warily, trying to make sense of the situation with his shoulders hunched against the cool wind. Naturally Razza seemed to take the whole thing in his stride, laughing lightly as he helped me up from the ground, dusting grass off my shoulders.
“You’re an odd guy Andy,” he grinned.
“Uh… sure,” I muttered, slightly distracted. You’ve got to get out of here…. Like NOW.
Hugo merely frowned, nodding at me in a way of greeting when I glanced over to him. His eyes were distant… detached even. It didn’t seem as if he were judging me… more like he didn’t want to be involved.
“I have to… I have to go…” I stammered, clumsily picking up my gym bag. “Thanks and everything… um… can you just… I…” I winced, tugging uncomfortably at my shirt. “Can you like, not tell anyone about this…”
Razza laughed loudly at that, even Hugo managed a slight grin that tugged at the corner of his mouth. A small nervous sound forced its way out of my throat, almost choking me. The ground beneath my feet felt like waves, unsteady and unnerving, a heavy nausea residing low in my gut. No-one can know I’m here… Why did you fall asleep you idiot? Why! Frustration gnawed at the base of my spine. Glancing around I noted that students were arriving at the school, small groups would filter in every few moments... not that it mattered anyway, I was the new kid, unnoticeable. Except for him… shit… I have to get out of here, what if he suddenly turns up! Memories came flooding back; terrible memories, thoughts of what I had done, of what had to be done.
Thoughts of what had to be done today.
“Are you okay?” Hugo finally asked, breaking a strained silence that had somehow arisen.
“I’m fine…” I managed to blurt out, “Can I ask though? What’s the time?”
Please still be early… please, please, please, please.
Razza pulled out his phone, sliding his thumb over the touch screen.
“Oh man, cutting it fine aren’t you?” he whistled, “You better get changed; there’s about five minutes to the bell.”
I was gone before he finished the sentence.
“Thank you!” I yelled as I ran to the grandstand. The school appeared as if had shrunk in the day, eerie shadows and dark corners filled with bright sunlight. It made my eyes ache, a dull throbbing beginning deep in my head. Not what I need right now… I groaned inwardly at the headache.
Picking up my pace I began jogging faster, ignoring the annoying thudding of the bag against my side and lower back. Come on Andrew, keep it together. The deep blue of the building swam closer and closer with each step, drawing me in. Heavy breaths wrenched out of my throat as I finally leaned against it. Thank GOD… why am I so unfit? I wondered offhandedly. Glancing around at the grounds I quickly slid around the side, running to the other end of the long stairs until the opposite wall was pressed firmly against my back. No one could see me from here.
What are you going to do now Andrew? You’ve got nowhere to go exactly… until… lunch time.
A choked breath escaped as I thought about my fate. Nerves rattled inside me so much it caused my hands to shake, stomach heaving in unease. This is just like an exam… except so much worse… I leaned my head back against the cold stone, the hard surface perfect for hitting me head against. Resisting the urge to do just that, I instead focused my energy on keeping the bad thoughts at bay, trying to avoid being eaten away by them. I mean really what’s the worst that could happen? I mean.. who says they want to bash me anyway… they could just want to... talk?
I almost laughed. Almost.
“Yeah right,” I muttered under my breath, “They want to ‘talk’. Nice one Andrew, freaking genius.”
Sighing, I sank further to the ground.
“…You better show up at school tomorrow faggot, or else we’ll tear you limb from limb and rip you apart piece by piece. Meet us in the locker room. Lunch time. Or else we’ll kill you…”
Helplessly I stared at the scuffed cement before me as the words from the text drifted across my mind.
The worst that could happen?
I could die.
The morbid thought crashed through me as if a jet plane had plummeted to earth.
Hands shaking in terror I lifted them to my face, fingers clawing at my cheeks as the world began to sway sickeningly. With a lurch my stomach suddenly gave way, dry retching horrendously as I hadn’t eaten in days. Tears burned across my cheeks, stomach aching with strain and coughing against the foul blaze of bile. Why is this happening? Was the only thought I could manage as I spat out the disgusting taste. Slumping weakly back against the bricks, my hand subconsciously rummaged for gum in the bag, popping three strips into my mouth. I wiped across my mouth with the back of my hand, bands nearly snagging my hair.
What were you thinking coming here?
***
My foot crushed a cigarette butt into the pavement, the crunching sound of my converse grinding against the worn cement satisfying my ears. If only everything was that easy .I stared at the dust, watching the wind blow it onto the oval on my right. It was strange how perfect the day was, a day that every kid wishes they could be out of school, instead hanging out with their friends in some secret place. Where they were in a place where they could laugh… where they could smile or in a place where they could be happy. In other words, a place that I could never be. A harsh ringing knocked me from my thoughts, the sound of my phone strange to my ears. As I listened it seemed to ring forever before finally shutting off to the quiet silence again, the only sound my breathing and the whispering of the trees in the wind.
Eventually I reached into my bag, digging around until I found it. The screen listed forty missed calls and even more messages... I shut my eyes, clutching the phone tightly in my hand, pale skin reflected in the screen.
Why Ace? Why do you need to know? Why can’t you just forget about me, forget that I exist like everyone else? You don’t need to be involved in this… Please just let it go…
Frustration welled behind my eyelids as tears, threatening to spill over at the slightest movement. To my horror a voice called my name in my silence, drifting to my ears on the breeze.
“Andrew!” It echoed softly.
It was as if God was in direct contradiction with my thoughts, the one person I didn’t want to see, which I couldn’t bear to see, was calling my name.
Ace… no.
I whimpered, stiffening when it was called again. Tucking my legs against my chest I curled in a ball, clamping my hands firmly over my ears, pressing my lips to my knees to stop me from crying out, to stop me from hearing his voice.
You can’t go back to him. You can’t!
Still, the voice reached my ears, and like a spear piercing straight through my spine I shot upright, almost losing my balance at the abrupt change of altitude.
Mistake, my mind screamed as I was suddenly met with jade green eyes.
“Andrew…” Accel whispered, his voice carrying in the wind. We were frozen in one place, as if time stretched between us like a prison, preventing us from even blinking. He stood there like the king of world; his usual black hood pushed back off his face, instead his hair framing his beautiful face like the blackest crown. Deep bruise like shadows enhanced his captivating eyes, the green burning with the strongest love and the most unbearable fury I had seen in my life. Slender fingers lay half covered by long sleeves, hanging limply by his side. Helplessly my eyes traced his lips as they lay open in perfect shock, the piercing shining in the sunlight; the other silver bar lay obvious above his startling eyes. This was impossible. I shut my own eyes once, opening them again almost instantly. He was still there. Why is he still there… he shouldn’t be there... I shouldn’t be here… what the hell happened… Oh my God I’m going to die… run… I need to run… go… NOW!
Almost in slow motion he reached for me, eyes flickering with relief and anger. “Thank fucking God…” he breathed into the air between us.
“No…” I whimpered, flinching away from his touch. He froze again confusion etching into his features.
“What?” he said, still with his hand outstretched.
“No…” I breathed again, still wide eyed. How did he find me? How… “Why are you here?”
He pulled backwards, caught off guard by the question I had unknowingly spoken.
“What do you mean ‘why am I here’?” he said harshly, his lip rising in a slight snarl. I snapped out of my daze at his voice, my body trembling slightly. “I came, because you ran away Andrew. I want an explanation.”
I could only stare at him, still dumfounded by his miraculous appearance.
“Huh?”
He stepped forwards closer to my, catching my wrist tightly and pulling me forwards so I clashed into his chest. With a yelp I leaped backwards, wrenching my fist away from his strong grip.
“Why did you leave me Andrew? I know you saw me when you were on the bus. I know you did. You fucking looked straight at me! Do you know how it felt when I woke up and you weren’t there?! I watched you driving away on that bus and you know what? I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d fucking lost you. Do you have any fucking idea what that was like? And why won’t you answer your goddamn phone!” He stepped towards me again, chasing me further and further backwards until I had to literally leap to the side to avoid being crushed against the wall.
“You’re not meant to be here!” I yelled at him suddenly, stopping his advance. “You aren’t meant to be here, you’ve screwed everything up!”
“AJ-”
“I was meant to stop this! I was meant to come here, let them take me and leave you out of it! But now yo- you’re here and you’ve messed it all up! Why? Why couldn’t you just let it go?!” My breathing was ragged as I spoke disjointedly, not really aiming it at Accel, more like I was thinking out loud. It wasn’t right that it should turn out like this… it wasn’t right that I couldn’t make things better!
“I’ve screwed everything up? Andrew, you fucking ran away from me! What the hell was I supposed to do?” Accel asked exasperatedly.
Slowly I shook my head, staring at him with fear in my eyes. I was scared of him, scared that I was going to go back to him if he asked, if he touched me one more time. I wanted to make this better, to make this right, and the only way to do that was to not be around him. It just wasn’t possible with him near me.
“Stay away from me,” I whispered with my eyes downcast. “Please just stay away!” Pushing myself of the wall I ran away, leaving him standing in confusion and despair at my abrupt dismissal,
“Andrew! Get the fuck back here! I’m not letting you do this on your own!” I heard him yell. Swiping my hair away from my eyes I winced, pushing away the pain of leaving him again. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, twelve o’clock already.
The locker room, lunchtime.
Now.
I swallowed the fear that rose inside me, slowing once I rounded the corner of the building. Five steps later and I was at the door.
“ANDREW!” A voice sounded furiously at me in the distance, or maybe it wasn’t that far away, I could no longer tell.
It’ll all be over now. Everything will be solved.
Footsteps sounded behind me as I quickly pushed the metal door open, flying inside and slamming it closed, flicking the lock underneath my fingers.
Breathing hard, I let the darkness consume me. What’s happening? I thought frantically as I attempted to peer in.
With a loud crash something hurled through the darkness, smashing into the back of my head. Dizzying waves of pain swamped over me, again and again, a never easing flood of agony. Something warm seeped down my back slowly, wetting the material of my hoodie. My vision faded in and out, dizzying shapes of colour spinning across my eyelids as they shut against my will. As my consciousness slipped away I listened in despair, panic clawing across my body.
Faintly, deep in the dark, someone laughed.