Taylor's POV
Another Christmas day
Will come and go away
I was sitting beside his sleeping body. For some reason, I had a gut feeling that wasn't very positive. The doctor had announced to everyone that he was stable, doing good, and slowly but surely getting better. But I've had enough experience in my life to know those words had no meaning.
But I got so far to go
It always happened during that time. It always happened when they were doing so good. Then bam. All of a sudden they're gone. Nothing left but a broken body, and the broken hearts of loved ones. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like if Josh wasn't able to make it. I just couldn't think about that. He stirred in the bed.
"Good morning," I said.
"Mmmmmgrfumblewah," he groaned. I smiled.
"Have a nice sleep?"
"It was ok I guess," he huffed.
But I wanna go home
He had been like that for a while now. He always sounded so monotone, and he was always sighing. He wasn't his usual self. Though I figured if I was in his predicament I wouldn't be happy either. I reached over and clasped his pale hand in mine.
"What's going on in your head?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"You haven't been very upbeat lately. This weighing down on you?"
"Well," he sighed.
"It's ok. It would be hard to be very upbeat in your predicament. But, you are so strong."
"I don't feel very strong. Every morning it's the exact same thing. I wake up and laze around on my bed untill I fall back asleep again. I need, something. Something to crack this numb bubble I'm stuck in."
I need to go home
"I know," I said quietly.
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I would've committed suicide by now if it wasn't for all the visits from my family and friends and you. But, I'm sorry, but it's just I don't know. It's just not enough. People can only do so much."
"I get it," I replied and instantly knew exactly how to make him feel better. "Well, I've been here a while now, I better go home and feed the pets and stuff."
He sighed. I leaned in and kissed him.
"I'll be right back," I said.
I was just about to leave the house and go back to the hospital, when I remembered what I was going to bring Josh-animals. It would be a great surprise. They could just look at you and you'd instantly feel better. I didn't know if it was their silence, or what. Animals could fix almost anything.
I pondered about bringing Bennie, but figured I'd leave that big thing for another day. Bennie could sometimes be a bit of a hassle, and I felt that it would be too much for Josh right now. I walked into our bedroom and found Anemone. Who knew where the other cats were, but for right now I had her.
"Hi baby. You wanna see Josh? Huh?" I said to her.
She meowed.
"Aww, come on. Lets go see him."
Maybe surrounded by
Strangers and Christmas lights
I scooped her up, and drove back to the hospital. I was pretty sure they allowed pets. I had seen a couple of dogs in here before. I walked down the hallway and peeked into his room. He was alone, and asleep. The pain killers were really making him drowsy, and he really didn't have anything better to do. I walked in and sat down on my usual perch. I hid the cat underneath my jacket. I brushed the hair out of Josh's face.
"Hey, Josh."
"Hey," he sighed, opening his eyes.
"I have someone here who wants to see you. She's missed you a lot."
"Who?"
I shouldn't feel so alone
I grabbed Anemone from underneath my jacket and held her up close to him. A smile instantly spread across his face.
"Anemone!" It was the first time I had heard him being enthusiastic in forever.
But I wanna go home
I dropped the cat right beside his stomach. He started scratching behind her ears. "Aw I've missed you girl."
The cat purred.
"She's missed you too, she's always at the door meowing. Wailing for you," I said.
He was silent. I could tell he was probably trying not to cry.
"I'll let you two have a moment," I laughed as I got up.
I walked outside. I sighed, seeing my breath in the air. I just hoped that this wasn't the end. I had an uneasy feeling brewing in my stomach. I tried to push it away. I decided to walk to Tim Hortons and grab a cup of hot chocolate.
I can close my eyes and see the angel on the tree
When I got back to the hospital, his family had gathered along with the band. They were standing outside of his room.
They all looked scared. His mom had tears in her eyes. I immediately knew something was wrong.
"What's wrong?" I asked. Fear rising in my voice.
"He, he was laying there, with his cat. He finally looked like he was at peace. He didn't look hopeless," Sara explained, holding the cat. "I was talking to him and he seemed fine! But then, he started to get all clammy, and he started to shiver. He got all pale. Paler than normal. I asked if he was alright, and he said that he was fine. So I asked why he was sweating and shivering violently, and he said he didn't know what I was talking about. For some reason, I truly believed that he truly didn't know what was going on, and I immediately rang for the nurse.
"She came running in, and I told her the situation. Josh said that he was fine, and argued back that I was just lying. She started to ask him questions, probably the usual procedure, and he answered back. But suddenly, his answers weren't making sense. His speech started to slur, and he wasn't speaking very clearly at all. And then, and then, oh it was so horrible!" She hid her face in her hands and cried. I wrapped my arms around her, and pulled her into a hug.
"Shh, it's ok. Everything will be alright."
Another Christmas day
Will come and go away
She cried harder, and I squeezed tightly. I blinked away my own tears that were forming. I turned my head towards the door. Through the window I could see it. It was a horrible sight.
His body was thrashing, the nurses were trying to hold him down. They weren't doing a very good job at it though. He was throwing up all over himself. But the vomit was a red colour, suggesting it was more blood than good. I couldn't hear it, but the way his face was, it looked like he was screaming. I squeezed my eyes shut. Trying to picture him well. Trying to escape from this hellish scene.
And I wont leave you alone
Josh's POV
I've got to go home
It had been a few days since my episode. The doctors had tried to explain it, but I didn't listen. I honestly couldn't care less. I was on strict bed rest, and was told to sleep, sleep, sleep.
Pretty hard request for a damn insomniac.
I'm just to far from where you are
Obviously my depression had risen back up from its deep dark depth. I was snappy towards people, and alone all I did was sulk. I was angry that I had gotten myself into this mess. All I saw was worry. Worry on my family's faces, my band; Taylor-that's what hurt me the most. After everything I did to make her happy, I go and almost get myself killed.
Why did I bother with anything? My life was just a repetitive circle of climbing to the top, then failing. Why did I ever tie myself up in Taylors life? If I hadn't gotten involved, she'd be happy, and would never have to meddle with my own ways of coping with life.
I wanted to kill myself. How could I be so stupid? So selfish and dumb? What was the point of my existence again? To bring people down including myself? Yeah good one Josh, you're so stupid you even brought yourself down. Was there anything I could do right?
Faking happiness. I was pretty damn good at that, unfortunately, Taylor was starting to catch on my ruse. It'd be only so long before I brought her back down again.
And what happened to all the belongings I had in my car during the crash? I couldn't even fucking ask a girl to marry me-I messed that up too.
Fuck, I hated myself.
And the fans. I let them down as well. The douche bag lead singer they all adored, almost killed himself because he was trying to be a cocky bad ass while driving. I wished I had hit that deer harder. Then this whole mess would go away. I didn't have to feel extreme amounts of guilt, and everyone would eventually move on. Maybe even Taylor.
Now the reasons I'm so far away ain't good enough
I knew she was trying her hardest to make me feel at home in this dreadful place. I was forever grateful for that, but it didn't help. It was only a temporary fix, to this long term mess. I ruined Christmas, and soon I was going to ruin New Years-today, which was the night where I was going to propose.
Now we were all stuck in this hole.
I closed my lids to hide my eye-roll as I heard someone walk in. I looked up and saw Taylor holding a big cardboard box.
"What's that?" I asked, mildly curious.
She came up, and dropped the box on the chair next to my bed.
"Letters," she replied.
"From who?" my eyebrows knit together.
"Fans."
"Fans?" I repeated.
"Yes fans. Josh, everyone cares about you, and everyone understands that you need to heal. So whatever you're thinking in your pretty little mind; stop. I miss happy you, and maybe these letters will help bring him back." She leaned in and kissed me. "I'll be back later."
With that, she got up and left.
So I'll do the things I got to do to get back to you
Letters? I looked at the box, and noticed just how many there were. A small smile formed on my lips. Trench fans, they were awesome.
I reached over and grabbed the first one. It was folded neatly, and was written in purple ink.
Dear Josh,
I am deeply sorry to hear about your car. That thing was a beaut.
I chuckled at the words-a real one too.
I hope you are doing okay. When the band sent the message out it terrified me; but I am so glad you are alive. You mean a lot to a whole bunch of people. Without you, I never would have understood what my friend was going through-you helped me pull her from her depression.
Thank you so much, Lauren.
I refolded and tucked the letter away. I was surprised at the sudden wave of emotions attacking me. I guess in the long run, I hadn't been appreciating the fans as much as I should've been.
Another Christmas day will come and go away
I reached into the box, and pulled another letter. This one was a heart that read "Perfect Porcelain" on the front. Inside, was the message.
To Josh.
Stay strong Sassy Pants! Don't let the muggles get you down. You are my idol and inspiration. You literally saved me. And I know that makes you uncomfortable, but without your songs, and you as a presence, I would never have escaped depression. You made me realize that things can get better. Everyday the poster of you in my wall reminds me of that. Thank you, for everything you've done.
Stay strong, Jane.
I clenched my jaw. Just my presence made her feel better? I took a deep breath, before I pulled out the next one.
It was normal stationary inside a blue envelope.
Dear Josh,
I don't know if you'll read this, but it's worth a shot. I figure I need to at least try to thank you for all your work. I've been bullied for years. I don't really understand how I deal with it-it hurts, and the loneliness is painful. And I hope you aren't sitting all alone in the hospital-loneliness sucks. I really hope that someone is there for you if you're ever feeling down-just like you were there for me when no one else was. At least, your words and songs were.
Thank you, for being the man you are when you write your songs.
Allie
And I wont leave you alone
As fast as possible, I wiped at my eye. I will never admit to it, but I did cry a little reading that.
The next letter was a blue poster board paper rolled up with an elastic. I opened it up, to reveal a scribbled on message and a drawing of a unicorn at the bottom.
Josh Ramsay, the lead singer of the sickest band ever.
My name is Jack. I'm from Utah, and we've met three times. You are my biggest inspiration; and thanks to you and your song writing, I am now going out with the hottest chick ever. Thanks man! There's not many words you can say at a time like this, besides the repetitive "get wells" and shit, so instead, below I have hand drawn a magical unicorn that will speed up your healing process.
Jack.
No I'm gonna go home
The letters went on and on. By night fall, I had finally read the last one. I carefully stacked them all back in the box. I placed three gifts I got on the table by the foot of my bed, right next to the tree with the sad little tin foil star. There was a small, wooden toy soldier. A bear that held a custom heart saying 'Perfect Porcelain', and a handmade bracelet that read 'I love Jesus'. Don't ask about that last one. I don't know either.
The hospital was an interesting place to spend the Christmas hollidays. Unfortunately, I woke up on Christmas, so that gave me no time to get anyone Christmas presents. Of course, in my gloom they all said me waking up was the best Christmas present ever. Also, in my hospital stay, no one had gotten me presents either, so we neutralized each other out.
Though I'm surrounded by
This cold December night
But the best Christmas present of all time, had to be these fan letters. They made me realize how important I am. They were nice and accepted that I needed to heal. They were there to support me. I no longer considered them as fans. They were people. They had faces, names. They were the only reason I could live my dream. That perfect dream was being lived. The only thing I needed to do to complete it, was to marry Taylor.
I'm gonna go home
"Josh!" I heard her scream.
I looked over and saw Taylor barreling into my room.
"Taylor!" I softly screamed back.
"I have great news! So I was talking to Jonathan earlier and we've officials finished planning my tour and-you're out of bed. What are you doing out of bed? You need to lay down and rest-"
I shut her up by planting my lips on hers. When I broke away, I smiled.
"You, you're smiling. What, did the fans."
I chuckled lightly. She couldn't form a sentence she was so surprised.
I've had my run baby I'm done
"Yes. They made me realize I don't need to be sad or mad or guilty, because I am living the perfect dream." I leaned in and kissed her again.
"Well, that perfect dream just got better," she announced.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Two things. One, you're officially released from this hospital-it gets better," she said before I could interrupt in celebration. "So John and I were talking, and... You're coming on your with me!"
I'm coming back home
She squealed in excitement, and I cheered along with her. I embraced her, and settled for a long kiss. In the distance, I heard bells ringing and singing. When we broke away for air, I understood why.
I rested my forehead on Taylor's and said, "happy new year babe."
"To infinity and beyond."
It'll all be alright
When I'm holding you tight
Cause this Christmas I'm home
Ok.. so the last few chapters are basically like a three chapter long epilogue.. HOLY SHIT THERE IS ONLY THREE CHAPTERS LEFT BRB CRYING EVERYWHERE Yes... so You may get another update tonight.. but i am making no promises as the next chapter isnt even written yet... ok I hope you enjoy it.. and as always.. tell me what you think!