Why am I still alive?
I looked at my unmade bed and sighed. I remade it and bit my lip, walking toward my bedroom. After taking a bath, I took my clothes and went to school.
As usual, I boarded the train, and sat at one of the empty seats. There is no point in life, nothing worth living for. I stared blankly at the person opposite me, with nothing running through my mind at the moment. Again, I'll have to pretend behind my mask, laughing and joking around cheerfully.
What's the point?
"Mafu-kun, are you okay?" I heard the voice of a familiar brunette and mentally counted from 10 to 1. Okay, 3, 2, 1...! "Ah, I'm okay, Ama-chan!" And my mask is up, beaming at Amatsuki, who is frowning a little.
"There is a new student!" New? There is actually nothing new to that... "Oh, really? I'm excited!!" I'm actually not. The teacher came in and we went back to our seats.
"Students, our new transfer student!" A raven-haired male walked in and I looked on boredly. "I'm Soraru." His voice is unsurprisingly deep, and his facial expression held the bored, emotionless expression, like he is used to this.
I hear the girls squealing over how handsome is he, but paid no attention. It will end soon. Soon, the girls will get bored and we will continue our bored, monotone life.
I'll be gone before anyone could blink, anyway.
They will forget about me soon.
Hopefully.
"Mafumafu-kun, can you show his around the school?" No! "Of course, sensei!" He frowned - it's like he seen past my mask and to my painful, depressed self. I wrinkled my nose; I don't like people seeing past my mask. I shoved the other self deeper and deeper into myself. No one must know this side of me, no one.
"Hey, what's wrong with you?" I bristled, listening to his voice. I willed my voice to become the normal, cheerful chirp. "What do you mean?" He scoffed. "Please. Drop the act. I'm pretty sure you think your act is so foolproof, but you didn't live in a family filled with people pretending to be who they aren't to not know."
"Shut up," I hissed, dropping the mask, the act, everything. He smirked. "Don't want to let your friends know, hmm?" He glanced down at my wrist, half-covered by my sleeve and continued, "Do they know their friend harmed himself?" It is pure curiosity, but I bit my tongue, angry. "Shut up!" By now we have an audience, watching. The angry me and the emotionless him.
"Let me come to your house."
I blinked, thrown off guard. "Huh?" He clicked his tongue in annoyance, "Your house. You live alone, right?" How he knows so much about me? He grinned, showing his teeth, "Thank you for showing me around." He waved before walking away.
I hate him.
"So this is your house?" I nodded curtly, staring at the door, and he sighed. "Nice. Don't show me that face. I'm trying to help." "Help? You can't help me, no one can!" I snapped back, glaring at him. Too late. I should have controlled my temper, and face it with a cheerful fake smile.
He crossed his arms, looking annoyed. I hate it that he seemed to have that expression as his default. Either that, or the bored looking one. I hate that he can talk so easily, without putting on a mask. I hate that he can see so easily past my facade. I hate I hate I hate......
But I don't, I can't hate him.
"Is this blood?" I looked away, nodding a little. He glanced up, concern in his eyes. When I blinked, it is gone. Am I imagining it? "You shouldn't." He grabbed my arm and examined it. "Cut yourself so deep. Soon, you'll accidentally cut yourself and never wake up." He looked back up and our eyes met. He smiled faintly. "But that's what you want, right?"
No. I wanted to lie. But I can't, because he saw the truth in my eyes and shook his head.
"I wanted to help you, Mafu." He said, staring at his own arm, his gaze distant and scary. "There isn't any way to help me, Soraru," I replied. For once I felt sadness, overwhelming me. And it isn't for myself but for him. "Promise me to not hurt yourself." It was an empty question, with nothing behind it, not even a sliver of hope.
But I replied anyway, promising with my entire heart.
"I will not."
.....2 years later.....
"Soraru!! Look at what I found!!" He looked at my hands, cupped around a cat, then to my nose, which is red from sneezing. Sighing, he took the cat away, and I felt better. "Don't be so stupid. You're allergic to cats you know." I beamed at him happily. "But I love them!" He sneezed a little bit and frowned. "I have flu?" He seemed to be asking himself.
"Nah, you don't! I think it's just a little fur gotten into your nose!" He brushed aside his bangs a little and nodded like he agree with me.
Life means everything when he is with me.
Soraru pulled me to him and kissed my forehead, like usual. "Have you hurt yourself again?" He asked, staring at some cuts on my wrist. I pulled my hand away.
But sometimes, love can't bring you back fully.
"I fell down." He wrinkled his nose and demanded to come see my house.
"This is blood. And your blade." I looked down sheepishly. "I thought you promised me to not do this anymore." It was a flat, emotionless sentence. And when I looked to to catch his eyes, I saw them. Flat. Dark. Betrayed.
It hurts way too much than I have expected.
"I love you, Soraru," the words burst from me, and he flinched. "Don't tell me that." He stated quietly, while his stare remained blank. I stared in horror as a tear slid down form his eyes. "I thought I will not lose you. I thought you can let it go. I thought you can finally set your other self free." Another tear slid down and when he turn to look at me, it was horrifyingly blank.
"But it turned out to be another illusion."
"I really love you, Soraru!" I cried and he stood there, unmoving. Why does the distance between us seem so big when it's so small? "Stay away." I hear him say. It hurts to see him push me away when he is falling apart. And me being the cause of it.
It hurts.
He grabbed the blade and placed it on his neck. "No, what are you doing?!" He smiled, a painful one with nothing behind it, saying, "If you hurt yourself, then I must see what's so great in all that." He pressed against his flesh and red blood wells out, stark against his pale skin. He winced, and tears ran down my face as I screamed for him to stop.
When my voice had became coarse when screaming too much, he stood over me, his hand pressed to the wound. "Promise me, to not hurt yourself again," he insisted. Again, I promised, again, with all my will and soul, "I will not."
10 years later, the blade remained locked behind closed doors.
A/N : Um, hi this is Aru, nice to meet you! Wtf is wrong with me saying this at the 21st part of the chapter? So today is the release of the album!! I'm so so so excited I can scream and cry and celebrate at the same time!! Unfortunately I'm following my own time, which is around 12:30 am right now, not Japan time, ehehe.
As for this story, um, I don't really know what am I thinking, really. I was listening to the short mv of I Sleep Well, then Yume no Utakata, and then the reruns of After the Rain's crossfade. I really wanna wrote something that linked to Insomnia, the instrumental-turned-song in their album, so I was partially inspired by that! And then it started to spin off, and I finished it with my own ending. I would preferred a (and so Mafu died) ending but I think that's too angsty, especially for a day like today! I bought a cake to celebrate but I cried while eating it TwT
I tried to be happy for people all around the world that get to buy the album but at the same time I feel sad for myself. Today is a bittersweet day! Okay, sorry, long author note here, but there is a long story (this one)!! So I hoped you enjoyed, and see you!!!
-----nomuraaru